mrspeak Posted October 1, 2011 Posted October 1, 2011 (edited) Hoping some men will be honest in reply to this question -- Can a married man have a platonic female friend at work who he talks to daily and communicates with about marriage issues without developing feelings or wanting to be intimate ? My husband claims he can and he talks to this friend every day. He says he needs another's opinion on things besides mine and doesn't see a problem. They have lunch but I know for a fact he doesn't see her after work because he's always home. He swears it's platonic but I've heard most men would try to get with their friends. And she isn't his "type" I have seen her but haven't met her personally. I have seen a few texts that are mostly innocent but I try to not pry too much because he closes up when I do. Edited October 1, 2011 by mrspeak
ffw Posted October 1, 2011 Posted October 1, 2011 From my personal experience, its possible for a man & a women to be just friends. But the catch is they can be as long as one do not crosses the line.
StoneCold Posted October 1, 2011 Posted October 1, 2011 Hoping some men will be honest in reply to this question -- Can a married man have a platonic female friend at work who he talks to daily and communicates with about marriage issues without developing feelings or wanting to be intimate ? My husband claims he can and he talks to this friend every day. He says he needs another's opinion on things besides mine and doesn't see a problem. They have lunch but I know for a fact he doesn't see her after work because he's always home. He swears it's platonic but I've heard most men would try to get with their friends. And she isn't his "type" I have seen her but haven't met her personally. I have seen a few texts that are mostly innocent but I try to not pry too much because he closes up when I do. Sure.......
Circular Posted October 1, 2011 Posted October 1, 2011 Hoping some men will be honest in reply to this question -- Can a married man have a platonic female friend at work who he talks to daily and communicates with about marriage issues without developing feelings or wanting to be intimate ? My husband claims he can and he talks to this friend every day. He says he needs another's opinion on things besides mine and doesn't see a problem. They have lunch but I know for a fact he doesn't see her after work because he's always home. He swears it's platonic but I've heard most men would try to get with their friends. And she isn't his "type" I have seen her but haven't met her personally. I have seen a few texts that are mostly innocent but I try to not pry too much because he closes up when I do. It's a matter of boundaries for BOTH people. My concern with what you posted is 'marriage issues', why is he discussing marriage issues? He's not her therapist nor is she his. When two people start discussing marriage issues it starts turning into muddy water as it is a discussion the requires divulging intimate details and feelings about your or hers relationship. Maybe your husband is good at compartmentalizing, and that's all good but what if she's not? What if she grows attached to your husband because of the conversations she has with him; starts feeling safe with him, like she can entrust deeper secrets, and then starts telling him things that boost his ego. I'm not saying these things to scare you but to really dig a bit deeper and understand the dynamic. I once had a good friend, and we became closer friends and then we crossed the line, one can fool themselves into believing they can handle and void getting attached.
norajane Posted October 1, 2011 Posted October 1, 2011 If you have to ask the question, then you don't trust his answer. THAT is a marital problem you two should be discussing. Have you asked him to talk about your marriage with you? What is he sharing with his work friend? Have you told him that many affairs start of as work friends who become better and better friends over time, and you're scared that he is letting another woman into your marriage? Did he try to reassure you because he doesn't want you to be scared, or did he just deny your concerns?
Author mrspeak Posted October 1, 2011 Author Posted October 1, 2011 Yes, we have discussed it at length and at first he was reassuring but the more I pressed him to discuss it the more he closed up. He says if I have to ask, then I don't trust him. He believes I should trust him implicitly and he shouldn't have to explain anything since he's just friends with her. And the more questions I ask the more he closes up. So lately I've not bothered him and it has kind of cooled down a little. I feel I do deserve to know every detail about his life, he feels that's not necessary to have trust. This is the first true test of our relationship so that's why it's important we pass this test.
Feelin Frisky Posted October 1, 2011 Posted October 1, 2011 Yes. It helps if she's not a fox. But certainly a woman can be an excellent friend to a married man if he's faithfull and not into her sexually. Women are often brilliant and in ways males friends aren't.
Author mrspeak Posted October 1, 2011 Author Posted October 1, 2011 I think he chose her as a friend for that reason -- she's not his type and when I saw her I wasn't too concerned. I guess the bigger issue is the trust factor in our relationship. My guy isn't exactly a stud but he's the type to be friendly and women seem to like that. So I need to learn to trust because I don't want to not allow him to have any friends.
Woman In Blue Posted October 1, 2011 Posted October 1, 2011 Mrspeak, do you know HOW many times I've read over the years on relationship boards (as WELL as seen it lived out in real life) a wife or husband completely shocked at the appearance of the person their spouse was cheating with? I've lost count of how many times a betrayed wife has claimed, "his OW looked NOTHING like I'd thought she would! She was totally NOT his type at all! She was overweight/unattractive/tall/skinny/tattooed, etc. etc." Sometimes it's just NOT about the OW's looks, Mrspeak. It's about how that other person makes your spouse FEEL. And if she's building up his ego and telling him what a wonderful husband he is or what a great man he is, it wouldn't matter if she had 3 eyes. The fact that he's refusing to even CONSIDER giving up this so-called "friend" that is supposedly his theraputic 'sounding board' (jeez, is your marriage THAT loaded with problems that he needs to have an ongoing correspondence with this woman on a daily basis????) is a huge red flag. Sorry, but it is. He's intensely protective of this so called friendship and defends it to crazy limits. Another red flag. And lastly, while I really don't believe their 'friendship' is solely based on offering each other marital advice, one would have to ask where the hell he gets off sharing your intensely personal and private marital problems with someone right under your nose every day? You're LIVING it, so why doesn't he come to YOU with his supposed 'issues?' Honestly? I don't believe him and you have a right to want to know what's really going on. Her appearance is SECONDARY - she's already got him attached enough to where he refuses to consider parting ways with her.
woinlove Posted October 1, 2011 Posted October 1, 2011 Yes, we have discussed it at length and at first he was reassuring but the more I pressed him to discuss it the more he closed up. He says if I have to ask, then I don't trust him. He believes I should trust him implicitly and he shouldn't have to explain anything since he's just friends with her. And the more questions I ask the more he closes up. So lately I've not bothered him and it has kind of cooled down a little. I feel I do deserve to know every detail about his life, he feels that's not necessary to have trust. This is the first true test of our relationship so that's why it's important we pass this test. Different people do have different comfort levels with intimacy, couple-share versus individual and things they keep to themselves. My H and I share everything. We have an open M so that may be part of the reason, but still, I think it is my personality, wanting that openness and intimacy and not needing privacy from my H. For us, this sharing everything has been a big plus, as we understand each other so well, can sense tiny changes, are a huge support for each other. Maybe you can think of some way to approach opening up about things like this with your H in a positive way - so he doesn't feel you are acting out of suspicion. It is not just a matter of trust, it is also a matter of really knowing the person and also of building the kind of intimacy that sustains the M over the decades. Personally, I would not give much ground on the "don't ask" front, because that is not the kind of M I would want. I would think of some way to approach it where he can also see the positive benefit of sharing.
reboot Posted October 1, 2011 Posted October 1, 2011 It's possible, but that isn't the point. It's causing problems in his marriage, and that makes it inappropriate. His marriage should be his first priority, not his friendship with some person at work, male or female.
xxoo Posted October 1, 2011 Posted October 1, 2011 His marriage should be his first priority, not his friendship with some person at work, male or female. I agree. It doesn't bother me that my H has female friends, or that he has lunch with female coworkers. It would bother me VERY much if he was speaking poorly about me, and our marriage, to any friend--and especially a female friends. I don't do that to him, either. Discussing the marriage can be ok, I think, if he is genuinely looking for and getting a better understanding of your point of view. What is never ok, imo, is to get snippy and shut down communication about a concern you have. The communication breakdown is a huge issue, imo.
Quiet Storm Posted October 1, 2011 Posted October 1, 2011 Do you know if he has been unfaithful before? Not just with you, but in past relationships? How did your relationship with him start? Is he talking/texting to her about the stuff he talked to you about in the beginning of your relationship? Even if innocent sounding, that would make me worry...because men "in pursuit" will re-use the same lines and take the same approach with other women. I personally would not feel comfortable with my husband texting another woman. Even if it starts innocent, the communication will lead to them being comfortable with each other. This familiarity can lead to problems. Say you and him get in a fight...do you want him having an "understanding" female on speed dial? I can see how it would play out. He texts her about your argument, she takes his side, he feels vindicated, like she is only one that understands him, she doesn't nag him or ask too many questions, it's so easy with her, he starts being flirty, she flirts back, she's lonely and tipsy one night and sends him a naked pic.....you see where I'm going with this. It's a very slippery slope. When you are married, your spouse should be your top priority. If you have an issue with this, he should stop out of respect for your feelings. His need for a friendship with her should not trump his desire for harmony in his marriage.
Feelin Frisky Posted October 1, 2011 Posted October 1, 2011 ...So I need to learn to trust because I don't want to not allow him to have any friends. Case closed. Issue solved. There is no controlling things. You have to do some "earning" of affections and not demand them. Perhaps he confides in this women because you cause problems by giving him no trust and no freedom without a fight. The more confident you are in trust and love, the more worthy and appealing you become. You said it, you'll have to learn to change (and give him less reason to look outside for understanding). Don't expect that to be easy or over in a week. It's a perment commitment that will pay off.
Author mrspeak Posted October 1, 2011 Author Posted October 1, 2011 **UPDATE*** Ok so I went through his phone and now there's questionable text messages in there. I can't confront him though because last time I did he accused me of snooping and being overly nosy in his life (he wants privacy). I can't really accuse him of much because he's not going anywhere except during work hours, I have nothing to question him about. I'm beyond hurt. I have been VERY supportive of him and our relationship. He says he's unhappy because I meddle too much and bother him too much. The other day I purposely didn't tell him where I was and he immediately called this friend and told her I was busy (it's in his phone). He won't talk, he inisists this woman is a platonic friend, yet it seems she's teasing and flirting and he's open to it. I'm so worried. I have told him I'd do my part to build trust, but he's just doing everything to break trust. One thing he claimed he was doing was getting her to text stuff and having me read it to "teach me a lesson." He's kinda doing this on purpose ! I am beyond sad.... I love this man dearly.... and I've never once thought about cheating on him. I'm going to attempt to talk ONE MORE TIME and see what happens..... Mrspeak, do you know HOW many times I've read over the years on relationship boards (as WELL as seen it lived out in real life) a wife or husband completely shocked at the appearance of the person their spouse was cheating with? I've lost count of how many times a betrayed wife has claimed, "his OW looked NOTHING like I'd thought she would! She was totally NOT his type at all! She was overweight/unattractive/tall/skinny/tattooed, etc. etc." Sometimes it's just NOT about the OW's looks, Mrspeak. It's about how that other person makes your spouse FEEL. And if she's building up his ego and telling him what a wonderful husband he is or what a great man he is, it wouldn't matter if she had 3 eyes. The fact that he's refusing to even CONSIDER giving up this so-called "friend" that is supposedly his theraputic 'sounding board' (jeez, is your marriage THAT loaded with problems that he needs to have an ongoing correspondence with this woman on a daily basis????) is a huge red flag. Sorry, but it is. He's intensely protective of this so called friendship and defends it to crazy limits. Another red flag. And lastly, while I really don't believe their 'friendship' is solely based on offering each other marital advice, one would have to ask where the hell he gets off sharing your intensely personal and private marital problems with someone right under your nose every day? You're LIVING it, so why doesn't he come to YOU with his supposed 'issues?' Honestly? I don't believe him and you have a right to want to know what's really going on. Her appearance is SECONDARY - she's already got him attached enough to where he refuses to consider parting ways with her.
Big Cat Posted October 1, 2011 Posted October 1, 2011 mrspeak, I'm no expert myself but I find it strange that he would be defensive when pushed to talk about it... I can understand someone wanting to have 'some' secrets, but this is too important. He has something to hide and that's a manifestation of some something he is not satisfied with in your relationship. That's the only thing that needs to be talked about but it's up to him if he's going to talk about it... something will push him to decide if he wants or doesn't want to do it, and that could be you giving him ultimatums or him finally realising that he needs to do the right thing. Good luck
Big Cat Posted October 1, 2011 Posted October 1, 2011 **UPDATE*** Ok so I went through his phone and now there's questionable text messages in there. I can't confront him though because last time I did he accused me of snooping and being overly nosy in his life (he wants privacy). I can't really accuse him of much because he's not going anywhere except during work hours, I have nothing to question him about. = I'm sorry to hear this. He seems to be in the process of developing an emotional affair and betraying you in the process. It looks like a massive red flag and you will need to treat this seriously. Even if you feel your relationship is good, he certainly doesn't - he has some problem with it and is looking for solutions in the wrong way. You need to get him talking and he has to admit he's got a problem wiht you or the relationship, then start talking to YOU and explaining what it is. If you can get to that first step it's probably half the battle. One thing I'll add is that you are over-considerate in impinging on his privacy. Don't let him push you away. You have a right to hear what's honestly going on in his mind and I think he won't do it voluntarily until he understands that this is a very serious issue for you, your relationship and also for him. I dont know how you make him understand but stand firm and dont be afraid to insist he comes clean.
woinlove Posted October 1, 2011 Posted October 1, 2011 **UPDATE*** Ok so I went through his phone and now there's questionable text messages in there. I can't confront him though because last time I did he accused me of snooping and being overly nosy in his life (he wants privacy). I can't really accuse him of much because he's not going anywhere except during work hours, I have nothing to question him about. I'm beyond hurt. I have been VERY supportive of him and our relationship. He says he's unhappy because I meddle too much and bother him too much. The other day I purposely didn't tell him where I was and he immediately called this friend and told her I was busy (it's in his phone). He won't talk, he inisists this woman is a platonic friend, yet it seems she's teasing and flirting and he's open to it. I'm so worried. I have told him I'd do my part to build trust, but he's just doing everything to break trust. One thing he claimed he was doing was getting her to text stuff and having me read it to "teach me a lesson." He's kinda doing this on purpose ! I am beyond sad.... I love this man dearly.... and I've never once thought about cheating on him. I'm going to attempt to talk ONE MORE TIME and see what happens..... So sorry to hear this. Re the bolded - this sounds like he is either cheating and working hard to deceive you or he is incredibly immature and selfish - perhaps both. I think when someone is behaving like this (trying to make you think it is a devious game to teach you a lesson) just talking to them isn't likely to do any good, because they have so rationalized their behavior they are not fully connected to reality. If you haven't been married very long, this is a really bad sign, and suggests to me that this man may not be capable of sustaining a committed R. Again, so sorry. No real advice, but I hope you hear from others who have seen this type of behavior.
Osiris1234 Posted October 1, 2011 Posted October 1, 2011 As long as a guy is thinking with his brain and not his d*ck then its no issue. Same goes for women.
RainDown Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 **UPDATE*** Ok so I went through his phone and now there's questionable text messages in there. I can't confront him though because last time I did he accused me of snooping and being overly nosy in his life (he wants privacy). I can't really accuse him of much because he's not going anywhere except during work hours, I have nothing to question him about. I'm beyond hurt. I have been VERY supportive of him and our relationship. He says he's unhappy because I meddle too much and bother him too much. The other day I purposely didn't tell him where I was and he immediately called this friend and told her I was busy (it's in his phone). He won't talk, he inisists this woman is a platonic friend, yet it seems she's teasing and flirting and he's open to it. I'm so worried. I have told him I'd do my part to build trust, but he's just doing everything to break trust. One thing he claimed he was doing was getting her to text stuff and having me read it to "teach me a lesson." He's kinda doing this on purpose ! I am beyond sad.... I love this man dearly.... and I've never once thought about cheating on him. I'm going to attempt to talk ONE MORE TIME and see what happens..... This is classic gaslighting. He is having an inappropriate relationship with a woman in which he is sharing intimate details of his marriage via daily lunches, texts, and phone calls. Yet he has managed to twist the whole thing around on YOU. You are untrusting. You are meddling. You need to be "taught a lesson". That is some pretty ugly behavior coming from one's own spouse. The one person who is supposed to have your back. I don't trust him and honestly, you shouldn't either. Not right now anyway. He is doing absolutely nothing to help or protect you or your marriage. He IS having an emotional affair with this woman, and he IS inappropriately emotionally attached to her. Why else would he refuse to cut her loose and start behaving like a decent spouse? No mere "work friend" is important enough to risk damage to your marriage. Don't fall for it. He is gaslighting you all the way and his EMR is likely much more entrenched than you realize now.
xxoo Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 One thing he claimed he was doing was getting her to text stuff and having me read it to "teach me a lesson." He's kinda doing this on purpose ! . This is probably bull...just a story he spun to get out of immediate trouble. But even if this IS true, it is twisted and so wrong His defense is that he enlisted another woman to teach you a lesson? How insulting. That would be enough to for to insist that he stop texting this woman altogether.
carhill Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 Can a married man have a platonic female friend at work who he talks to daily and communicates with about marriage issues without developing feelings or wanting to be intimate ? Pretty unlikely, IME as a past MM. The 'communicates about marriage issues' is generally considered to be inappropriate, unless condoned by the spouse.
RainDown Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 This is probably bull...just a story he spun to get out of immediate trouble. But even if this IS true, it is twisted and so wrong His defense is that he enlisted another woman to teach you a lesson? How insulting. That would be enough to for to insist that he stop texting this woman altogether. Yes, that insulted me, too. And he demands that she trust him....? What? Maybe I'm hypersensitive or something, but I'd kick him to the curb just for THAT.
keepsmilin74 Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 This has gone too far, he has hurt you, disrespected your marriage and now gaslighting as mentioned above. This is not "just friends" anymore, as OFTEN happens... You can have opposite sex friendships, but need to be extra careful to keep clear boundaries. He didn't know how to keep out of trouble in the first place, he had boundary issues. Now you have to put your foot down. Kick him out. Seriously. Apply Consequences or he will NOT change. Marital therapy/counseling when or if he's ready to come back. Read this article and best of luck!!! http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8119_friends.html
Frank13 Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 (edited) In my case, no. It was platonic for two years. Never thought I could fall for her. Not my type etc. Then out of nowhere I caught feelings and fell hard. We have kept boundaries and have not crossed lines but there are feelings in both directions. Edited October 2, 2011 by Frank13
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