H of 16 yrs cheated for the first time

[Wandaland]

When I first found out, he said he thought he cheated because our life had become routine and this was exciting and made him feel younger. Two weeks later in our first MC session, he said he thought it was because I didn't seem enthusiastic about sex as I had been earlier in our relationship and that the fact this woman was inferior to him made him feel important. He also suggested he didn't have an independent life with friends, so he didn't really have any outlets when I had to work after my son fell asleep. The latest reason he gave was a few weeks ago when he said he thinks it's because I wasn't as into him since our son was born. He missed, as he put it, being everything to me.

And why didn't he tell you all this before when you asked him if there were any problems in the marriage? See, it just doesn't make any sense to me. Why can't a person be completely honest and open to the person he is married to? It's a shame when some people (mostly men) don't want to share their feelings to their wives. For some odd reason, they decide to think it's a smart, sensible idea to screw around with another woman, instead of actually fixing their marriage.

 

And the fact that he wanted to introduce you to the woman he was secretly having an affair with is sick, disturbing and disgusting.

[yessy21]

There are so many ways of dealing with this situation but only one way to fix it.

Ask yourself these questions.

What does your heart tell you to do?

What does your Mind tell you to do?

Why did he deny it?

Why did he lie over and over?

Is trust going to be an issue always after this?

Would you be able to sleep next to this man for the rest of your life knowing that he made a mistake by being with another woman this way?

Is he going through a midlife crisis?

 

Make a pro and con list. take some time apart. go to a few counseling sessions to see if you can communicate in another level.

Maybe after a few sessions and some time apart you will know whats best. At the end you will feel either... people make mistakes and im not threatened that this will happen again. OR I cant deal with that disrespect because My son and I should be respected.

 

Respect is just an subconcious way of putting yourself first.

[Snowflower]

When I first found out, he said he thought he cheated because our life had become routine and this was exciting and made him feel younger. Two weeks later in our first MC session, he said he thought it was because I didn't seem enthusiastic about sex as I had been earlier in our relationship and that the fact this woman was inferior to him made him feel important. He also suggested he didn't have an independent life with friends, so he didn't really have any outlets when I had to work after my son fell asleep. The latest reason he gave was a few weeks ago when he said he thinks it's because I wasn't as into him since our son was born. He missed, as he put it, being everything to me.

 

aloninnyc...(((hugs))) to you!

 

Look, I've been in your shoes and I understand exactly what you are feeling. I blamed myself for my H having an affair...it's normal because as a BS you feel so out of control. Your life just made an abrupt change and you didn't ask for it.

Honestly, I don't know what to make of any of these reasons. It seems like he should be probing deeper into himself to figure out why any of this stuff was enough to have him risk his marriage and his job. (She worked for him, so he's in violation of company policy and likely to be fired over this. That's one reason why I don't think I can contact her -- there could be litigation, so I don't think I'm allowed to contact her given that I work there, too. I don't want to get in trouble with my employer. But I think he's basically telling the truth given the emails I've read.)

 

I don't know what more he wanted out of life. I got him his job -- staked my reputation on it -- I made time for a date night for us every week, even when I was exhausted. I cooked dinner most nights for us and did the laundry. And I'm the primary breadwinner in our household (I make almost three time what he does.) I always told him how much I loved him and never said no when he wanted sex. I admit I didn't initiate it as much since my son was born because I was so tired -- I was always the one up early with my son when he woke up at 5am for two years. But I never said no, and I would have done anything if my H had asked me.

 

None of our friends or his family can figure it out at all. It really is like he just snapped. But he's so rational in every way -- a totally responsible guy until this.

 

You're getting some really excellent advice on this thread (other than the dump his a** responses).

 

I think some men are very threatened by their wife being more professionally successful. This might be the case for your husband...the fact that he risked his job for a relationship with a subordinate. The job you helped him get.

 

Something tells me that he somehow felt inferior because his wife helped him get the job and this younger co-worker adored him which made him feel better. I know, it sucks. And before his affair, he might not have been able to even articulate his feelings about his job and your job to you. It was likely something he buried deep until the adoration of this co-worker made him feel something he didn't before.

 

Please know I'm not excusing his actions. They are completely lousy and disrespectful to you.

 

I'm also inclined to agree with the poster who said mid-life crisis. Before my husband had his affair, I scoffed at the idea of a mid-life crisis. It seemed cliche but I got my education in affairs and now I think differently. I'm wiser now. Your husband is the same age (41) as mine was when he went off the deep-end. I still don't understand what triggered something in him to risk everything and become someone he had never been before.

 

Hang in there. Like I said to you before, you sound smart and strong. You're going to be fine no matter what happens.

[2sure]

I do believe there is a good possibility of a marriage reconciling and even improving after the crisis of infidelity.

 

The MC, the separation, the sincere remorse will all help because BOTH partners have to do the work. The WS has to do the heavy lifting of telling the truth and the BS has to overcome the obstacles of real forgiveness to find trust again.

 

Thing is...you saw an email that said he was making PLANS, basically to end the marriage, to avoid detection, etc. You got from your husband dribs and drabs of truth. Started with just flirting, went to just kissing, then dry grinding. Really? He was thinking of making life changing PLANS based on those actions?

 

Having been in your shoes, and ultimately divorcing because of it...I may be a little jaded. But I still DO believe in recovery ...but unless you have the truth and are able to verify it...I wouldnt jump to the conclusion that you have it yet.

[2sure]

Thought I would add, for whats it worth...a response I made on another thread awhile ago addrssing the question ...why do people cheat (when the marriage seems healthy and good).

 

As a previous OW several times over...all of the MM I was involved with had what they described as a basically happy marriages, wonderful wives, an active sex life with them etc etc etc.

 

They wanted an affair because they wanted MORE. More attention, more sex, more ego stroking, more time for just themselves. whatever. Just MORE.

 

OP - I am a long time, a lot of lessons , and a failed marriage away from when I was OW...but I think it may be important for you to know that sometimes...it has nothing to do with you.

[MarriedTex]

Thanks to all for the replies. We've been living separately since I found out -- the thought of him being physically near me repulses me -- so I'm not sure that it's fair to say I'm working on anything. I've agreed to go to MC, and we're both in IC. And I've agreed not to decide anything for a year. But I don't want to be alone with him (we have to see each other because of my son and for work, and we're civil to each other). I can't stand the thought of him ever touching me again. I just don't trust him anymore, and I've lost so much respect for him. (He cheated with someone who worked for him, so he might still be fired for it.) We've been together so long, but those all seem like distant memories to me now. I just see a future with him of me never letting down my guard again and feeling like I settled for someone beneath me. Even if it means being alone for the rest of my life, I think I'd be happier because I'd have my self respect.

 

Sorry for the rant. Tomorrow is our wedding anniversary, and I'm particularly sad this weekend that it's all come to this. I just don't understand cheating when the marriage is strong and the cheater has everything to lose (his marriage, his job). We had a decent sex life -- I never said no -- and what I thought was great communication. It just doesn't make any sense. It's like he just snapped and became a different person who needed to try someone new and couldn't pass on an opportunity even if it meant losing everything in his life.

 

OK, so here's the deal. Hubby feels emasculated. You're the bread winner. You got him his job. You're showering attention on son. He knows you can move on without him and just be fine. He needs you. You don't need him.

 

I'm not saying it's the most mature outlook on life on his part. But it is what it is. He went out and had an affair with a young thing to prove he was still a "man." Life is great for you. You dominate everything. Maybe not so much for him.

 

So, instead of all these people throwing a pity party for you, saying it's not your fault, take a good hard look at the relationship and figure out if it was one where he could still fell like a man. Or, did you take that job for him?

[aloneinnyc]

.

 

They wanted an affair because they wanted MORE. More attention, more sex, more ego stroking, more time for just themselves. whatever. Just MORE.

 

 

Thanks for this reply (and to all the others who wrote as well). I'm curious -- did you find that men who cheated for these reasons ever changed? One of my dilemmas is that I can't figure out whether it's hopeless given that he seemed to do this because he wanted more or, like other posters have said, he was doubting his manhood. There's not much I can do about these things. I gave him all I had, and I can't make him more of a man. (I earn more than him and I'm not going to quit my job. I love my son and am not going to stop paying attention to him.) It seems like these causes all point to my husband fixing what's wrong with himself and leave me little to do. So I just can't figure out how I'll know if he has successfully fixed himself. I'm very skeptical that people can change, so I would love to hear stories of those who have.

[2sure]

I know that people can & do change, because Ive changed.

 

I think your situation sounds similar to mine in that it turned out there wasnt much I could work on because his cheating was based solely on his own feelings not on me or the marriage. BUT. My ex was a serial cheater, so thats different.

 

I do think that it is important that the WS be the main victim of his own actions, not the BS, for any real and sincere change to happen.

[mzdolphin]

This is so important. How much work are they doing to save the marriage ? I've been BS and OW.

 

As OW the exMM continued to pursue and cheat after I I told his wife. He said he does not have a bad marriage.

 

I'm thinking, well why cheat? I don't think anything she changed would stop him from cheating.

[Leegh]

Was he in love with this other woman? It sounds as if he wasn't. It has taken me many, many years to realize that a man can be with another woman, and that it may mean nothing to him. It sounds as if it was started a lot by drinking, and then the alcohol "broke the ice" and it got easier for them to fool around again. He sounds like a basically good guy, as I believe it would be far different if he had been having affairs throughout your marriage. I would give yourself some time to think, and after a year or so, if you can't forgive him, you may be happier moving on. An old boyfriend of mine was unfaithful to me, and I used to analyze the whole situation over and over, and he and I had many arguments about it, and he would just make light of the whole thing saying "he couldn't even remember her name", etc. Hopefully, with time you and he can get back on track.

[aloneinnyc]

He definitely wasn't in love with her. It was meaningless -- but in some ways, that makes me feel worse. He betrayed me for nothing, just a cheap physical thrill and the rush he got from doing this behind my back. But I agree I probably just need to see how I feel as time goes on. It's been 4 months since D-Day, though, and the thought of being with him again still makes me sick. He's been fired for it (and it was a great job), and he just seems so pathetic and weak and selfish to me now that I can't even remember what it felt like to be attracted to him. I used to think he was funny and charming, and now when he tries to be that way, I just think of him trying to be that way with her and I want him as far away from me as possible. If I didn't have a child with him, I know I'd already be done.

[Afishwithabike]

He definitely wasn't in love with her. It was meaningless -- but in some ways, that makes me feel worse. He betrayed me for nothing, just a cheap physical thrill and the rush he got from doing this behind my back. But I agree I probably just need to see how I feel as time goes on. It's been 4 months since D-Day, though, and the thought of being with him again still makes me sick. He's been fired for it (and it was a great job), and he just seems so pathetic and weak and selfish to me now that I can't even remember what it felt like to be attracted to him. I used to think he was funny and charming, and now when he tries to be that way, I just think of him trying to be that way with her and I want him as far away from me as possible. If I didn't have a child with him, I know I'd already be done.

 

What you said makes a lot of sense to me. If he developed strong feelings for her it would hurt like hell, but it would make his actions more understandable. He cheated when there weren't any marital problems and your lives were good. What happens when you get sick or you have financial problems?

 

Those who can cheat without an emotional connection seem more dangerous to me than those who cheat when there is an emotional connection. At least with the latter you can take steps together as a couple to prevent emotional attachment to another woman.

 

Have you snooped around to see if this is truly his first affair? Cheaters rarely tell the truth.

 

Reconciliation is hard work. Really hard. I've seen one close family friend do it and it took a LONG time and a long time of mistrust and worry.

[aloneinnyc]

He claims it's the first time he cheated, but I will never really know. I think it's probably true given how he's reacting now. He's truly remorseful. The problem is that doesn't seem to be enough for me. I can't stop thinking of the past and what he did -- and that he did it when everything was fine. It just seems so pathological.

[lordWilhelm]

Maybe you were doing too many things for him and he had it too easy. You got him his job. You're earning more than him. You're taking care of the kid. You're always willing to have sex with him. Not having to work hard on the marriage probably got him to take it for granted and he felt disengaged.

 

I guess there must have been some communication problems in the marriage even though you might not realize it. That doesn't make what he did right by any measure, and if he wasn't happy with these things the onus was on him to come talk to you about it instead of going around behind your back.

 

As for what to do now, give it some time and if you still feel there is no way back then there is no way back.

[aloneinnyc]

Maybe you were doing too many things for him and he had it too easy. You got him his job. You're earning more than him. You're taking care of the kid. You're always willing to have sex with him. Not having to work hard on the marriage probably got him to take it for granted and he felt disengaged.

 

Sometimes I feel like a W can't win -- if you do too little, an H will cheat. If you do too much, an H will cheat. Our MC seems to think this is part of the dynamic because she thought we had to separate for a year so the co-dependency dynamic would end. I guess I just have to wait it out and see how I feel. I can say this much: I sure as hell won't ever do too many things in the future! I have done the last load of that man's laundry, whatever happens.

[lordWilhelm]

Sometimes I feel like a W can't win -- if you do too little, an H will cheat. If you do too much, an H will cheat.

 

I think you'll find on these threads there's husbands who say the same thing I guess there's no universal answer, and to "calibrate" the relationship you need good communication to see what each one needs. Just to make it more complicated, these needs change over time.

 

Maybe there were warning signs along the way that you could have heeded better... but what can you do when the H breaks your trust in such a fundamental way? It's not your fault, it's him who didn't step up to the plate here.

[aloneinnyc]

I think you'll find on these threads there's husbands who say the same thing

 

I won't disagree with that! It stinks no matter who is doing the betraying.

 

I wish there were signs along the way. I really was blindsided, and I don't think I'm a particularly clueless person. I think he just got bored -- mainly at work but also at home -- and the OW was aggressive and he liked the attention, was attracted to her, and just didn't think about what he might lose. He definitely took for granted how great his life was -- and maybe you're right it's because he didn't really have to work for any of it.It all came to him too easily so he didn't treasure it the way he should have.

[OnyxSnowfall]

I'm sorry............. your story actually kind of enrages me.

 

He was physical with this OW multiple times (that you're aware of) AND he didn't divulge any of this initially to you on his own... right? Those ARE certainly grounds for leaving. Honestly, I think it's awesome you separated from him once you found out about his "planning" heh... I call that having self-respect.

 

If you have the luxury of not even longing for him, but are instead repulsed --- that is a blessing in my opinion. You should NOT feel obligated to remain with him............... or even to attempt to work things out with him.

 

You've already listed several big red flags towards working things out as well --- you've lost respect for him (rightfully so) and he appalls you (rightfully so). I really do not think you should waste any more of *your* precious time with trying to work this out.

 

That doesn't mean you have to *go find someone better*... but this is likely sapping your reserves and energy --- which could both be put towards YOU and your son. You've mentioned being tired, even when things between your husband and you *seemed* good --- I can't imagine how much more work it is, trying to repair damages from being betrayed and dealing with all the hurt from it.

 

It does take a lot of effort and time to rebuild trust, even when people believe there's a chance that they can and truly truly want to --- you're not wrong for not wanting to/doubting the possibility though and the fact your husband didn't confess his betrayals to you on his own makes that process more difficult as well...

 

I do think you should follow your instincts... whatever they are.

 

If you need to *try* everything first just so that you can tell yourself you gave it your all before giving up first --- that is something I can completely understand. But if you already know in your heart that you can't come back from this and that it's over, it may be wiser to save your efforts and time for primarily you and your son right now. Your husband is a grown man and he can deal with the consequences of HIS poor actions --- his remorse likely does not stem from his "love" for you but rather for his love for himself.

 

Good luck with whatever you choose --- I hope better times come upon you soon.

Edited October 16, 2011 by OnyxSnowfall

[PinkInTheLimo]

told him cheating would be a dealbreaker for me if it ever happened.

 

Then let it be a dealbreaker!!!

 

Kick him out of the house and don't let him come back unless he does IC and learns to live by himself (no doing his laundry or having him come over for dinner). Don't let him back in the house for at least 6 months.

 

He cheated, let him feel that this has serious consequences. That's the only way you have a guarantee he won't do it again.

 

If you are too lenient, he knows he will get away with murder.

 

Also, when you let him back in the house, let him know that it is his last chance.

[aloneinnyc]

Thanks for all the replies. This board is really helpful to me. I don't see myself moving beyond this but I am going to give this year-long separation a try and see how I feel at the end of it. And during that time, I'm going to try to understand what he did, but it's hard. He doesn't understand it, which is the biggest obstacle. There really was nothing wrong in our life -- we had it so good. But he clearly wanted more, whether it was variety or some forbidden excitement or a taste of youth, I don't know. It's already cost him his job, tons of time with his son (that only his job allowed), and I think it will be the end of our marriage, too, so I just can't really come to terms with risking all that because of some boredom and the desire to touch someone else physically who you feel no real emotional connection to. I think this might be the difference between men and women, or at least some men and some women, because none of this makes any sense to me.

 

And my big problem now is that I feel superior to my H. I never did before, but I do now. I feel morally superior and just better than him because I know I'm more responsible and stronger (I'm handling the aftermath of this so much better than he is, and really I should be doing worse given that I had no idea). It doesn't seem like a M can work if one spouse thinks the other isn't worthy of her. I've always thought a faithful partner was the one thing I needed for my M to work, and i still feel that way. So taking him back would be compromising the one thing I needed to marry in the first place.

 

I like solitude, so it wasn't like I was desperate to get married. And when I think of what pulls I feel to go back now, they're really minor things, like wanting to take a family vacation with my son or knowing I have someone I can count on at the end of the day to listen if I've had a bad one. But then I think how I'd feel if that person were my H, and I don't even want to confide in him anymore.

 

Sorry for rambling. Sometimes I start typing and don't know how to stop!

[PinkInTheLimo]

Thanks for all the replies. This board is really helpful to me. I don't see myself moving beyond this but I am going to give this year-long separation a try and see how I feel at the end of it. And during that time, I'm going to try to understand what he did, but it's hard. He doesn't understand it, which is the biggest obstacle. There really was nothing wrong in our life -- we had it so good. But he clearly wanted more, whether it was variety or some forbidden excitement or a taste of youth, I don't know. It's already cost him his job, tons of time with his son (that only his job allowed), and I think it will be the end of our marriage, too, so I just can't really come to terms with risking all that because of some boredom and the desire to touch someone else physically who you feel no real emotional connection to. I think this might be the difference between men and women, or at least some men and some women, because none of this makes any sense to me.

 

And my big problem now is that I feel superior to my H. I never did before, but I do now. I feel morally superior and just better than him because I know I'm more responsible and stronger (I'm handling the aftermath of this so much better than he is, and really I should be doing worse given that I had no idea). It doesn't seem like a M can work if one spouse thinks the other isn't worthy of her. I've always thought a faithful partner was the one thing I needed for my M to work, and i still feel that way. So taking him back would be compromising the one thing I needed to marry in the first place.

 

I like solitude, so it wasn't like I was desperate to get married. And when I think of what pulls I feel to go back now, they're really minor things, like wanting to take a family vacation with my son or knowing I have someone I can count on at the end of the day to listen if I've had a bad one. But then I think how I'd feel if that person were my H, and I don't even want to confide in him anymore.

 

Sorry for rambling. Sometimes I start typing and don't know how to stop!

 

You ARE the better person.

 

I totally understand how you feel and I would feel the same if this would happen to me.

You had a good thing and he threw it away. I once heard someone say about infidelity that it is like a scratch on a valuable painting. You will always know it is there. The cheating partner does not value the relationship enough to let it without scratches.

 

I would not be able to continue the relationship.

[Steen719]

I stayed after a PA when son was almost 7 and 14 years later and way too much crap to put here (read my threads if you are interested), I was rewarded with an EA (at least one...maybe more) and I am finally leaving. One question I have asked myself that has a fluid answer is do I wish I had stayed or left after the PA so long ago? Some days, I think I should have left; I would have been younger, more financially stable, been following my best instincts and been way over this and other days, I am grateful for the time my son had with his Dad and for the good times.

 

I know that I absolutely will never put up with infidelity again. I have always valued fidelity and honesty and I do feel that I deserve that. I would rather know that someone is unhappy with me right up front than to have the deceit and dishonesty of another person put me in the position to try to figure out why they are acting like they are. AND, my STBXH knew that is how I felt after the PA so many years ago and still did it again.

 

I hope you can find some peace with your decision. I have struggled with the same thing you are now. {{HUGS}}

[Afishwithabike]

Thanks for all the replies. This board is really helpful to me. I don't see myself moving beyond this but I am going to give this year-long separation a try and see how I feel at the end of it. And during that time, I'm going to try to understand what he did, but it's hard. He doesn't understand it, which is the biggest obstacle. There really was nothing wrong in our life -- we had it so good. But he clearly wanted more, whether it was variety or some forbidden excitement or a taste of youth, I don't know. It's already cost him his job, tons of time with his son (that only his job allowed), and I think it will be the end of our marriage, too, so I just can't really come to terms with risking all that because of some boredom and the desire to touch someone else physically who you feel no real emotional connection to. I think this might be the difference between men and women, or at least some men and some women, because none of this makes any sense to me.

 

And my big problem now is that I feel superior to my H. I never did before, but I do now. I feel morally superior and just better than him because I know I'm more responsible and stronger (I'm handling the aftermath of this so much better than he is, and really I should be doing worse given that I had no idea). It doesn't seem like a M can work if one spouse thinks the other isn't worthy of her. I've always thought a faithful partner was the one thing I needed for my M to work, and i still feel that way. So taking him back would be compromising the one thing I needed to marry in the first place.

 

I like solitude, so it wasn't like I was desperate to get married. And when I think of what pulls I feel to go back now, they're really minor things, like wanting to take a family vacation with my son or knowing I have someone I can count on at the end of the day to listen if I've had a bad one. But then I think how I'd feel if that person were my H, and I don't even want to confide in him anymore.

 

Sorry for rambling. Sometimes I start typing and don't know how to stop!

 

No need to apologize.

You're articulate and I understand your point. I feel the same way about a husband/wife relationship. We want partners who are our equals. We don't want to have a hierarchical relationship in a marriage. I wouldn't want to feel superior to my husband. I want to respect him as my equal with shared values and an equal commmitment to the marriage. I think if he cheated I *might* in time be able to rebuild the trust, but I don't know if I could regain my respect for him.

[aloneinnyc]

I stayed after a PA when son was almost 7 and 14 years later and way too much crap to put here (read my threads if you are interested), I was rewarded with an EA (at least one...maybe more) and I am finally leaving. One question I have asked myself that has a fluid answer is do I wish I had stayed or left after the PA so long ago? Some days, I think I should have left; I would have been younger, more financially stable, been following my best instincts and been way over this and other days, I am grateful for the time my son had with his Dad and for the good times.

 

I know that I absolutely will never put up with infidelity again. I have always valued fidelity and honesty and I do feel that I deserve that. I would rather know that someone is unhappy with me right up front than to have the deceit and dishonesty of another person put me in the position to try to figure out why they are acting like they are. AND, my STBXH knew that is how I felt after the PA so many years ago and still did it again.

 

I hope you can find some peace with your decision. I have struggled with the same thing you are now. {{HUGS}}

 

Thanks for sharing your story -- I'm so sorry to hear you have had to go through the pain of infidelity twice. The fear of facing this again is paralyzing. I don't think I would have the strength to come back from this kind of shock again, and I really admire what you are doing. {{HUGS}} right back to you!

[Snowflower]

Thanks for all the replies. This board is really helpful to me. I don't see myself moving beyond this but I am going to give this year-long separation a try and see how I feel at the end of it. And during that time, I'm going to try to understand what he did, but it's hard. He doesn't understand it, which is the biggest obstacle. There really was nothing wrong in our life -- we had it so good. But he clearly wanted more, whether it was variety or some forbidden excitement or a taste of youth, I don't know. It's already cost him his job, tons of time with his son (that only his job allowed), and I think it will be the end of our marriage, too, so I just can't really come to terms with risking all that because of some boredom and the desire to touch someone else physically who you feel no real emotional connection to. I think this might be the difference between men and women, or at least some men and some women, because none of this makes any sense to me.

 

FWIW, I'm glad you're giving this a year to see how you feel. Believe it or not, your perspective about what has happened will change as time goes on. That soul-crushing pain of betrayal will fade (although it won't go away completely) and as it diminishes, you will begin to feel other things and that is where the new perspective lies. Hope that makes sense!

 

In any event, when you achieve that clearer perception, you will know you are making the right choice (whatever that is) and can feel confident about it.

 

As for your H not understanding why he did what he did, he might not know...yet. Is he in IC? I am assuming that he wants to remain married to you? He might not have figured himself out yet but if he wants to remain with you, that might be the incentive he needs to work through his issues. (yes, he has issues!)

 

 

And my big problem now is that I feel superior to my H. I never did before, but I do now. I feel morally superior and just better than him because I know I'm more responsible and stronger (I'm handling the aftermath of this so much better than he is, and really I should be doing worse given that I had no idea). It doesn't seem like a M can work if one spouse thinks the other isn't worthy of her. I've always thought a faithful partner was the one thing I needed for my M to work, and i still feel that way. So taking him back would be compromising the one thing I needed to marry in the first place.

 

This is all completely normal for you to feel. I remember feeling this way for a long time...that I was somehow superior to my H and it made me even angrier at him for what he did. I didn't want to feel that way.

 

Eventually though, I was proud of myself for being that strong. I knew I could go on without my H if I needed to.

 

As for you handling the aftermath better, take comfort in that! It's good your H is a real mess now that he has seen the fallout from what he has done. He lost his marriage, lost his job...many BS feel like their WS doesn't get enough "punishment" for the affair. In your case, I think your H has almost immediately reaped what he sowed. That is good. Sometimes, the BS never sees what ultimately happens to the WS. Do they get their punishment for their misdeeds?

 

IMO, I don't believe that someone can do something as horrific as cheat on their spouse and NOT have some type of adverse retribution occur to them. In your H's case, he lost his job and you for now. As part of the terms for possibly returning to the marriage with you (if you do decide that at some later point), I would make him find another job.

 

 

Sorry for rambling. Sometimes I start typing and don't know how to stop!

 

Ramble all you wish! This board is good for that! (((hugs)))