aloneinnyc Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 I'm new here, so sorry if this is too long, But here's my story: Found out three months ago that my H of 16 yrs cheated with someone who worked for him. I got suspicious after having a dream of him with this woman that was just crazy vivid. I decided to ask him if we were having any problems because I wanted him to come to me if we were. He denied anything was wrong. Said we were great. Said she was just a flirt but nothing was going on and that I'd like her if I got to know her. A few days later, I still felt uneasy so went into his email and saw a note to himself about how he had a "plan" and it said things like he wanted to but that they couldn't do it in a satisfactory way because of detection. (We work at the same place.) I confronted him with the note, and at that point, he said they had only talked about cheating but nothing physical happened. I kicked him out of the house that day. Two days later, after I said I still didn't believe I had the truth -- because who goes from nothing to talking about a plan to end it -- he admitted they had made out 4 times over three months. First time they had been drinking, but the others he was sober. Said he never touched her beneath her clothes but he admitted he had an orgasm grinding up against her. She knows he is married, knows me, even knows we have a 4-yr-old whom she met. She's left the office and he broke off all contact. He is genuinely remorseful. Is also generally a good guy. Our marriage was wonderful in all ways; we were best friends, did everything together. So here's my problem. I think we're finished because I don't see how I'll ever trust him or respect him again. We've been separated from the day I found this out. And because things with us were so good before this happened, I can't understand it at all. I never said no when he asked for sex, even when I was tired. We had a date night once a week. I've gained maybe 4 pounds from the day we were married and look basically the same. We are in great shape financially. Our life was really good. But clearly not to him. I'm thinking he was bored (his job is not that challenging), she clearly made herself available and he was attracted to her (she's 28; he and I are 41); and he just let his physical desires override his morals. I feel guilty because he wants desperately to work through this, but my head and my heart both tell me it won't work because I'll always be haunted by this. Am I wrong to feel this way? I am not going to decide anything for a year (we're in marriage counseling, and that's what she suggested), but I just can't imagine my views changing given how I feel. I don't need him for money (I earn more), our son is actually handling the separation really well, so I don't think we need to stay together just for him. So the question is whether I'd be happy ever again with him, and I just don't see it. I'd love any advice/perspectives. Everything about this is new to me (except that my father cheated on my mother when I was a baby, left us on welfare, and I told my husband this and explained I had trust issues when we met; told him cheating would be a dealbreaker for me if it ever happened). Anyhow, if you've made it through this long post, I'm grateful. I'm sure I've gone on too long. I'm just lonely, and our wedding anniversary is Sunday so I'm particularly sad tonight.
y2k Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 So here's my problem. I think we're finished because I don't see how I'll ever trust him or respect him again. We've been separated from the day I found this out. You're best option is to leave him and try to find someone better. It's not worth to stay with a man that cheats. Cheating is grounds for ending a marriage/relationship. Get your self-esteem in order and forget him!!!! Better yourself, re-organize yourself, and get back on your feet!!!! Maybe you'll find prince charming along the road and he could make you forget you even had a husband. Just don't stay with this lying/cheating fool. I'm thinking he was bored (his job is not that challenging), she clearly made herself available and he was attracted to her (she's 28; he and I are 41); and he just let his physical desires override his morals. I'm one that says, in the game of attraction/love/etc there are almost no morals. He was no longer was in love with you (regardless of what he says) and either he's falling for this woman, or he's out to "get some". Either way, he no longer loves you. Don't fall for his trick of "honey I still love you, I only did it for 'x,y,z' reasons" etc in case he tries it on you. Don't feel too bad about it. Re-start your life. You're 41. That's NOT old. Humans live about 75-76 years AVERAGE. You got plenty of life ahead of you. Don't waste those years with this man. I wish you a ton of luck. My words are direct, but they're the truth.
Author aloneinnyc Posted September 30, 2011 Author Posted September 30, 2011 I appreciate the advice and the directness. I need a gut check to make sure I'm not crazy for thinking this is over. I do think he loves me, but not enough if he could do something like this.
fltc Posted October 1, 2011 Posted October 1, 2011 This is all you needed to post: "I think we're finished because I don't see how I'll ever trust him or respect him again." No marriage can survive w/o trust so my question is can you ever learn to trust him again and you've already answered that one so...... Move on.
Moanin Posted October 1, 2011 Posted October 1, 2011 (edited) aloneinnyc, please do not listen to the awful advice that was given to you here..... there is another infidelity website that will be more supportive and helpful to you…..it's called “surviving infidelity”. They will offer you the tools that you need to work through this…. At this point, you need to do what's best for you and your daughter. Nothing in life can be so cut and dry and people make mistakes....... Edited October 1, 2011 by Moanin
y2k Posted October 1, 2011 Posted October 1, 2011 aloneinnyc, please do not listen to the awful advice that was given to you here..... there is another infidelity website that will be more supportive and helpful to you…..it's called “surviving infidelity”. They will offer you the tools that you need to work through this…. At this point, you need to do what's best for you and your daughter. Nothing in life can be so cut and dry and people make mistakes....... What!?!?!?!?!! The man is a cheater. There is nothing to "work through". She should get her life back on track and start over. A person (man or woman) with real self-esteem leaves a cheating spouse and starts life all over again. Those who stay are low on self-esteem. And the issue of her daughter.....the OP AND the husband are parents to the daughter whether they're married to each other or not. Marriages/relationships/love matters shouldn't be mixed in with children. Those are separate issues. Being a good mother DOESN'T mean staying in a bad or un-happy or abusive marriage. It means being there for the child. If the OP divorces, I would assume she'd always be there for her daughter. Even if she was to fall in love again and marry a new man (who I hope is better than her scumbag husband), it doesn't mean she's a bad mother. In fact I'd argue that if women are happy legitimately in their love life, they'll be happier overall, and they'll end up being better parents.
SoleMate Posted October 1, 2011 Posted October 1, 2011 Just don't be hasty. "Dump the cheater" is not thoughtful advice.
keepsmilin74 Posted October 1, 2011 Posted October 1, 2011 I feel guilty because he wants desperately to work through this, but my head and my heart both tell me it won't work because I'll always be haunted by this. Am I wrong to feel this way? I am not going to decide anything for a year (we're in marriage counseling, and that's what she suggested), but I just can't imagine my views changing given how I feel. Don't feel guilty for not being open to reconciliation. Seems like you're doing all the right things now... focus your energy on rebuilding your own life, self esteem and taking care of your son. Keep going to MC and see how you feel in a year or so. You don't seem in a rush to find someone else to help get over your H, as a lot of people tend to go. You're doing better than most.
JayL88 Posted October 1, 2011 Posted October 1, 2011 Yea I agree with your MC, not these ppl saying hastily dump the cheater. I'm not condoning the cheating at all, but some marriages have in the past have successfully come back from it. You owe it to yourself and your child to at least give it a shot to find out. Divorce is a big decision, especially after 16 years it shouldnt be made so hastily. If within one year you still don't see a future with him, then by all means get your divorce.
Afishwithabike Posted October 1, 2011 Posted October 1, 2011 aloneinnyc, please do not listen to the awful advice that was given to you here..... there is another infidelity website that will be more supportive and helpful to you…..it's called “surviving infidelity”. They will offer you the tools that you need to work through this…. At this point, you need to do what's best for you and your daughter. Nothing in life can be so cut and dry and people make mistakes....... survivinginfidelity.com seems to coddle the cheaters and there's no actual plan to rebuild the marriage. It's a lot of tsk, tsk and empathy. Try http://www.marriagebuilders.com instead. In my opinion, it's a better site for advice on reconciliation. There's a concrete plan of action you can ask him to follow IF you decide to take him back. I can fully understand why you wouldn't take him back. I can also understand why you would take him back.
woinlove Posted October 1, 2011 Posted October 1, 2011 I'm new here, so sorry if this is too long, But here's my story: Found out three months ago that my H of 16 yrs cheated with someone who worked for him. I got suspicious after having a dream of him with this woman that was just crazy vivid. I decided to ask him if we were having any problems because I wanted him to come to me if we were. He denied anything was wrong. Said we were great. Said she was just a flirt but nothing was going on and that I'd like her if I got to know her. A few days later, I still felt uneasy so went into his email and saw a note to himself about how he had a "plan" and it said things like he wanted to but that they couldn't do it in a satisfactory way because of detection. (We work at the same place.) I confronted him with the note, and at that point, he said they had only talked about cheating but nothing physical happened. I kicked him out of the house that day. Two days later, after I said I still didn't believe I had the truth -- because who goes from nothing to talking about a plan to end it -- he admitted they had made out 4 times over three months. First time they had been drinking, but the others he was sober. Said he never touched her beneath her clothes but he admitted he had an orgasm grinding up against her. She knows he is married, knows me, even knows we have a 4-yr-old whom she met. She's left the office and he broke off all contact. He is genuinely remorseful. Is also generally a good guy. Our marriage was wonderful in all ways; we were best friends, did everything together. So here's my problem. I think we're finished because I don't see how I'll ever trust him or respect him again. We've been separated from the day I found this out. And because things with us were so good before this happened, I can't understand it at all. I never said no when he asked for sex, even when I was tired. We had a date night once a week. I've gained maybe 4 pounds from the day we were married and look basically the same. We are in great shape financially. Our life was really good. But clearly not to him. I'm thinking he was bored (his job is not that challenging), she clearly made herself available and he was attracted to her (she's 28; he and I are 41); and he just let his physical desires override his morals. I feel guilty because he wants desperately to work through this, but my head and my heart both tell me it won't work because I'll always be haunted by this. Am I wrong to feel this way? I am not going to decide anything for a year (we're in marriage counseling, and that's what she suggested), but I just can't imagine my views changing given how I feel. I don't need him for money (I earn more), our son is actually handling the separation really well, so I don't think we need to stay together just for him. So the question is whether I'd be happy ever again with him, and I just don't see it. I'd love any advice/perspectives. Everything about this is new to me (except that my father cheated on my mother when I was a baby, left us on welfare, and I told my husband this and explained I had trust issues when we met; told him cheating would be a dealbreaker for me if it ever happened). Anyhow, if you've made it through this long post, I'm grateful. I'm sure I've gone on too long. I'm just lonely, and our wedding anniversary is Sunday so I'm particularly sad tonight. Your feelings are definitely not wrong and you should absolutely not feel guilty for having them. It may be as you say, your H is a good man, he may love you and value your M, but he acted selfishly and somehow convinced himself that you wouldn't know and he wouldn't jeopardize his M. But he did jeopardize it, and he may even do it again sometime in the future unless he learns why he behaved that way and what he needs to do to be more honest and trustworthy. Some people change and some people don't. Is he in IC (in addition to MC) to help him understand why he behaved the way he did? I think giving yourself and your M more time before making a final decision is good - provided staying M isn't too painful or agonizing for you. Do you believe his explanation about not touching beneath her clothes? Sounds very unusual. Could he still be lying about what he did? Maybe that is part of why you feel the way you do - his story sounds strange and you really have no way of knowing except by what he tells you and he has already lied. If he won't be completely honest about this situation, how can you trust him again? Sorry, I hope my asking this doesn't make you feel worse - but his explanation sounds strange to me.
Snowflower Posted October 1, 2011 Posted October 1, 2011 Just a quick hi to you. I have little time time right now but I did just want to tell you that under some circumstances, you can save a marriage after infidelity. Some here will tell you that you cannot--and to "dump the cheater" because that is so easy to do when it isn't their life. I will tell you that you can (if you and your H are 1000%) willing because I have done it myself. It's not easy. You are taking the right steps with waiting and not being hasty. Working on what you want is the perfect thing to be doing at this time. Best of luck to you in whatever you decide. You sound smart and grounded. You will know what is best for you and your son.
RainDown Posted October 1, 2011 Posted October 1, 2011 I understand how you feel, aloneinnyc. Sometimes a person can do something that completely changes how we view them and how we feel about them. Sometimes forever, sometimes temporarily. You've had this knowledge about your husband for 3 months. That is not a great deal of time. It doesn't sound like there is any reason for you to rush a permanent decision, so maybe for right now you can just decide not to decide. See how your feelings change (or not) over time. The picture will become clearer as the days pass and one day you will know what to do. Until then, it's fine to do nothing. Good luck to you and I'm sorry your husband has brought this situation into your life and your marriage.
reboot Posted October 1, 2011 Posted October 1, 2011 I love the typical mindless drivel posted here "just divorce him and find someone else". As if there's any guarantee you'll find someone else worth being with, much less finding someone else you'll actually fall in love with. I'm not saying you should stay or leave, that's up to you and what you can live with, but it isn't a decision that should be made lightly.
Author aloneinnyc Posted October 2, 2011 Author Posted October 2, 2011 Thanks to all for the replies. We've been living separately since I found out -- the thought of him being physically near me repulses me -- so I'm not sure that it's fair to say I'm working on anything. I've agreed to go to MC, and we're both in IC. And I've agreed not to decide anything for a year. But I don't want to be alone with him (we have to see each other because of my son and for work, and we're civil to each other). I can't stand the thought of him ever touching me again. I just don't trust him anymore, and I've lost so much respect for him. (He cheated with someone who worked for him, so he might still be fired for it.) We've been together so long, but those all seem like distant memories to me now. I just see a future with him of me never letting down my guard again and feeling like I settled for someone beneath me. Even if it means being alone for the rest of my life, I think I'd be happier because I'd have my self respect. Sorry for the rant. Tomorrow is our wedding anniversary, and I'm particularly sad this weekend that it's all come to this. I just don't understand cheating when the marriage is strong and the cheater has everything to lose (his marriage, his job). We had a decent sex life -- I never said no -- and what I thought was great communication. It just doesn't make any sense. It's like he just snapped and became a different person who needed to try someone new and couldn't pass on an opportunity even if it meant losing everything in his life.
fooled once Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 Hon, the cheating wasn't because of you. It was because of HIM. Please try to focus on that - you did nothing wrong. He made the decision to act on lust. He was selfish and loved having this younger woman stroke his ego. I don't believe that all they did was make out. And I am not sure if you will ever get the truth out of him. Does she still work there? I can't remember if you said she was. Do you have access to his email/cell phone? He should be offering those up to you so you can see if he is emailing her or texting her. Of course, he could just be erasing or deleting things Only YOU can decide if you can rebuild. Take it one day at a time. Don't think about 6 months from now or 6 weeks from now. One day at a time. I am glad you are open to MC; I am glad you are wary of the future. Focus on you. Remind yourself he did not cheat because of you. That will be one of the hardest things for you to truly accept. I wish you well.
keepsmilin74 Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 You are absolutely being fair in my book for going to MC at all. I wish you don't feel the guilt for not wanting him anymore. If you do decide (in a year or later) to try to get back together, I've read that those mental images of him with another person probably will linger for years, unfortunately. Realistically, what you'll be working for is the images fade and no longer hurt as you focus on increasing joy from a rebuilt and stronger marriage. I understand the idea may be repulsive now... It does seem like you're having to settle for less if reconciliation happens. Damage has been done and we can't turn back time . Just see how you go, feel it out... Vent here as needed lol. Work on yourself and your son in the meantime
Author aloneinnyc Posted October 3, 2011 Author Posted October 3, 2011 There are steps to take that will make it easier for you to start the healing and trusting process. Hope you hang in there and let me know if I can help you further. Lisa I'm curious what those steps are, if you have time and wouldn't mind sharing. I can't imagine anything that would help regain my trust. (I've done some things that are helping me to heal, but they are really about improving my self-esteem and confidence in myself -- running, reaching out to friends, praying, etc.) I have no idea how to trust him ever again because he did this when our marriage was strong. (I know some say that's not possible, but even H admits it here. We had no problems. And nothing big changed in his life, either. So I feel like this was an affair of opportunity and boredom -- things that obviously will happen again and again in life.)
Snowflower Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 I'm curious what those steps are, if you have time and wouldn't mind sharing. I can't imagine anything that would help regain my trust. (I've done some things that are helping me to heal, but they are really about improving my self-esteem and confidence in myself -- running, reaching out to friends, praying, etc.) I have no idea how to trust him ever again because he did this when our marriage was strong. (I know some say that's not possible, but even H admits it here. We had no problems. And nothing big changed in his life, either. So I feel like this was an affair of opportunity and boredom -- things that obviously will happen again and again in life.) IMO, one of the biggest steps in regaining trust is for your spouse to be able to explain to you and to himself exactly why he chose to cheat. He absolutely needs to be able to understand what led him to do this--and be able to share this understanding with you--if there is even a chance for you to regain trust in him. Has he told you why he cheated? There is never any good reason to cheat--boredom, etc. But if he can figure out what made him do this then it will help both of you heal--whether you stay married or not. MC for both of you and IC for him will help him with this process.
mzdolphin Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 I was a BS and OW so I don't condone cheating. However I think you need more info before ending your marriage. First I would get answers from the OW. Find out if he is telling the truth about the length of relationship, the nature of it, and if she has any knowledge that there were other women. This is so important. Because usually cheaters who truly only did this once and will never do it again or remorseful and come clean, really come clean. If after confronting him you find out he continued to lie, then you need to end it. You have to decide what you can live with. I've heard married men say that their wife could be a 10 and a six could walk by in just the right way and they would cheat just because it's something different. Women don't like to hear this. But some guys cheat just because they want something different. And they wouldn't dream of leaving their wives over it.
Linda9999 Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 When I found out what my husband was up to I kicked him out because I also couldn't stand to be near him. It was through IC that I realized I did want to be with him. I decided not to make any decisions for a year or so and we have gotten back together and are going strong. As for the trust this - I don't know that I will ever trust him again either. But, I don't know if I would trust ANY man I was with. I have had two husbands, very different from each other, and both have cheated. My brother cheated, my sisters husband cheated, my boss is a cheater, I don't know any male with the possible exception of my father who hasn't cheated. So I am pretty jaded in that regard. I am Ok with not trusting him 100% because I don't think it's in me. Besides, now that he has cheated and been caught, there's none of this "Don't you TRUST me?" stuff that I have to answer when I act like I don't trust him. He knows I don't and acts accordingly. If I was with someone new, I'd have to start all over again with that
Author aloneinnyc Posted October 4, 2011 Author Posted October 4, 2011 Has he told you why he cheated? When I first found out, he said he thought he cheated because our life had become routine and this was exciting and made him feel younger. Two weeks later in our first MC session, he said he thought it was because I didn't seem enthusiastic about sex as I had been earlier in our relationship and that the fact this woman was inferior to him made him feel important. He also suggested he didn't have an independent life with friends, so he didn't really have any outlets when I had to work after my son fell asleep. The latest reason he gave was a few weeks ago when he said he thinks it's because I wasn't as into him since our son was born. He missed, as he put it, being everything to me. Honestly, I don't know what to make of any of these reasons. It seems like he should be probing deeper into himself to figure out why any of this stuff was enough to have him risk his marriage and his job. (She worked for him, so he's in violation of company policy and likely to be fired over this. That's one reason why I don't think I can contact her -- there could be litigation, so I don't think I'm allowed to contact her given that I work there, too. I don't want to get in trouble with my employer. But I think he's basically telling the truth given the emails I've read.) I don't know what more he wanted out of life. I got him his job -- staked my reputation on it -- I made time for a date night for us every week, even when I was exhausted. I cooked dinner most nights for us and did the laundry. And I'm the primary breadwinner in our household (I make almost three time what he does.) I always told him how much I loved him and never said no when he wanted sex. I admit I didn't initiate it as much since my son was born because I was so tired -- I was always the one up early with my son when he woke up at 5am for two years. But I never said no, and I would have done anything if my H had asked me. None of our friends or his family can figure it out at all. It really is like he just snapped. But he's so rational in every way -- a totally responsible guy until this.
Goldenspoon Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 None of our friends or his family can figure it out at all. It really is like he just snapped. But he's so rational in every way -- a totally responsible guy until this. First, I think he is still lying and not disclosing all the details. They had sex! There is no way, they made out four times and not go further. He is laying trying to do damage control by playing it down. Second, how do you know for sure that since you're kind of out of sight that he is not at it with her again? Third, look into marriagebuilder IF you really want to work this out. Good luck to you.
nyrias2 Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 I don't know what more he wanted out of life. I got him his job -- staked my reputation on it -- I made time for a date night for us every week, even when I was exhausted. I cooked dinner most nights for us and did the laundry. And I'm the primary breadwinner in our household (I make almost three time what he does.) I always told him how much I loved him and never said no when he wanted sex. I admit I didn't initiate it as much since my son was born because I was so tired -- I was always the one up early with my son when he woke up at 5am for two years. But I never said no, and I would have done anything if my H had asked me. That may be the issue .. you stakes YOUR reputation for him. You got him his job. You contribute. He may be feeling unimportant, inferior and inadequate in front of you. Guys don't just want things, they want to feed their egos. Plus, many people engage in high risks activity: gambling, rock climbing, parachuting .... saying that this is risking everything .. is not always a deterrent. In fact, even very rational people are known to seek the thrill of risks from time to time.
mv6458 Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 Aloneinnyc, I'm sorry you have experienced this first of all. But this is so similar to my story I felt like I had to share. My husband and I were married 14 years, have two children, were financially stable, own a home, have good careers and had a strong marriage. I found out 7 months ago he was involved with a coworker. She too is younger than him. Just like you I did everything at home and never told him no to anything he wanted or asked for, no matter how exhausted I was. However I have never gotten the whole story from him. All he does is deny everything (even though I have proof of long conversations, multiple texts and gifts he has purchased for her.) He has alot of anger about the situation and it has certainly hindered our reconciliation. The kids and I have moved out and have our own place and I am concentrating on us. I have started exercising regularly and doing things that make me feel good. The one piece of advice I can give is don't make a decision too soon. Time does help you heal, I know. In the beginning I felt the same way you do now. But my feelings have changed over the months because I can analyze things from a different perspective now after going to IC and praying about it. There will always be things that concern you because of his deceit and that will not go away even if you find someone else. But with time you will find that your feelings change about the situation. Personally I have a sense of gratification knowing I have given it my all and didn't just give up and walk away like I initially wanted to do. My outcome is not exactly what I hoped for, but I know that is because of his lack of trying and not a reflection of me and my actions. I don't regret anything I have done throughout this whole thing and that is a good feeling. Best of luck to you!
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