tjd Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 I'm extremely embarrassed by this entire situation and have been trying to look around and get as much information as possible to help me with the position that I'm in, but some feedback from others would be greatly appreciated. My new wife and I were together for 4 and a half years when we got married in mid August of this summer. When we started dating the sex was exciting and frequent and we had great chemistry together. As time passed things slowed down gradually, which was understandable as we were no longer in the honeymoon phase of our relationship. 2 years ago I moved into a new house with my brother and a few of my friends. The situation was as such that our sexual activity was extremely limited because of the location of my room and the size of the house, so while I didn't really have an issue with it, she felt (understandably so) extremely uncomfortable at the thought of having sex in that house. So much so that, and frustrating and as hard as it was, we agreed that we would hold off on having sex until we got married and moved into our own place. This was extremely hard for me as I personally have a very high sex drive, but I understood her feelings and because of the love that I have for her and the fact that I knew we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, I decided that it was worth the stress that I knew this would cause me, because I knew that it was important to her and I figured that if anything it would be worth the wait and the sex once we did get married could only be that much better. Well, I struggled and got through those 2 years as hard as it was, and we got married in mid August this summer. The honeymoon started off amazingly, and for the first few days we had sex a minimum of once or twice a day. As we were vacationing in Mexico, she unfortunately got sick 5 days into the trip which basically put sex on hold until she started feeling better. This lasted longer than we both thought it would and she really didn't start feeling better until a week after we returned home. The first time we had sex after we got home from our honeymoon was on the 6th of September and the second on the 10th of September, when I was quite forward with her because I knew that she would be getting her period soon and I wanted to take advantage before it kicked in. That was the last time we had sex. I've been doing my best to be as patient with her as possible, but every time I try to approach her about it she brushes me off, tells me she's not in the mood, and says that I need to give her more space. I mean, she barely let's me touch her... For the last couple weeks it's turned into almost a nightly argument, me trying to understand why she doesn't want to have anything to do with me, and her telling me how it's just not that important to her and how I need to just let it happen and stop putting so much pressure on her. I don't feel like I'm being overly demanding or unreasonable, but the longer this goes on the more sexually frustrated I'm becoming. I figured going into this that since I had the patience to wait 2 years for her that after the wedding things would be fine and that we could find a balance that worked for both of us. Unfortunately I seem to have been completely wrong and as much as I hate it, find myself questioning the situation I've put myself in. I love her with every ounce of my being but the fact that she seems to not understand or care what this is putting me through makes me really question myself as a male and is causing me to become extremely depressed... She's told me that she feels bad about what she's doing to me, however she has yet to show me any affection whatsoever or put any effort into trying to figure this out. It all blew up earlier this week and got to the point where she said that if i didn't leave her alone and give her her space she was going to leave me and I could go find someone else who would be willing to deal with my needs. Fearing for the worst, I told her that I would do the best I could to give her her space and leave it up to her to tell/show me the next time she wanted to make love. That was 4 days ago now and still not a hint of her having any interest in me. I feel like I'm rotting inside and go to bed next to her every night praying that maybe this will be the night. Although sex is amazing and it obviously feels amazing, this means so much more to me than that. It's about the bond between us as husband and wife and the fact that I now question whether or not she has any physical attraction towards me whatsoever. She's told me a couple times that she doesn't know what her issue is or why she feels such a lack of need for sex, and that she thinks that the birth control she's on may be effecting her libido. I'm now trying to get her to go see a doctor with me to discuss other birth control methods and see if we can find a better medication that will not effect her as much emotionally, which she is willing to do, but I still don't understand why she's not willing to put any effort into figuring this out at all... Is it really possible that I'm being that unreasonable and putting that much pressure on her to the point where she just wants to get away from me? After waiting for 2 years the pain this is putting me through is excruciating and I find myself on the verge of tears every night going to bed realizing that there goes one more day without any signs of things changing. Could anyone recommend any ways for me to discuss this with her without making her feel uncomfortable again? Are there any books or information we could look at together to try and work through this? For the females out there, are there any birth control pills that you would recommend that you don't find effecting your sex drive or that could even help improve it? Even vitamins or anything else that you've had experience with that could help us try and get through this. I don't feel overly comfortable putting this online, but I've gotten to the point that I just dont know what to do. I don't feel like I have very many options, but something needs to be done because every day that goes by I'm becoming more and more depressed and questioning how I've gotten myself in this situation and how I can fix it or get myself out of it... Any help or recommendations would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
norajane Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 Honestly, it really seems she doesn't want to have sex with you. I'd look into getting an annullment if I were you.
Toodamnpragmatic Posted October 1, 2011 Posted October 1, 2011 And you didn't think that was unusual or weird? Never a vacation, a night alone (brothers out at a movie or a bar), outdoors, in a car..... You were duped.... One of the saddest (or funniest depending how you read it) I've read in a while.....
giotto Posted October 1, 2011 Posted October 1, 2011 why would she change now? There is only one solution, and you know what it is... being treated like a leper is bad enough, threatening to leave you because you would occasionally like to have sex with her - your wife - is a joke...
Osiris1234 Posted October 1, 2011 Posted October 1, 2011 If you wont give it to me, ill find someone else who will Told every one of my ex's that and it works like a charm.
Art_Critic Posted October 1, 2011 Posted October 1, 2011 Wait.. you haven't had sex for 2 weeks right after having tons of sex during your honeymoon, she gets sick and stops and you are worried... then 4 DAYS go by.. Holy Cow... I'd hazard a guess and say you shouldn't be married if this is how you deal with things... People can just not feel like having sex and for you to guilt her into it isn't right.. but then you guys seem like the pattern of no sex was already written before you got married. You both could use some counseling on handling things like this in a marriage.. Did you not get and pre-marriage counseling ?
giotto Posted October 1, 2011 Posted October 1, 2011 Wait.. you haven't had sex for 2 weeks right after having tons of sex during your honeymoon, she gets sick and stops and you are worried... then 4 DAYS go by.. Holy Cow... I'd hazard a guess and say you shouldn't be married if this is how you deal with things... People can just not feel like having sex and for you to guilt her into it isn't right.. but then you guys seem like the pattern of no sex was already written before you got married. You both could use some counseling on handling things like this in a marriage.. Did you not get and pre-marriage counseling ? he posted yesterday that the last time they had sex was on the 10th of September... I make it 20 days... for newly married seems a bit long... but maybe I shouldn't be married either
lordWilhelm Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 I'm concerned about the fact that she doesn't seem to be in the mood for any kind of affection... so she's not interested in cuddling, or a massage, or anything that is non-sexual?
Art_Critic Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 Putting your sex life on hold for 2 years due to your living situation was a bit of a red flag for me. Something tells me that 2 years without sex is a bit of exaggeration as the OP is only on week 3 now and he is up in arms.. I would think if he really went 2 years without sex they would have never made it to the alter.
stillafool Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 You'd better address this problem soon. She shouldn't be able to keep her hands off of you. Maybe she loves you but is not that sexually attracted to you. If your marriage is starting off this way it's just going to get worst.
Richard Friedman Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 Pulled the bait and switch has she. Divorce her. stop wasting your life bro. chances are she's boning someone else anyway.
Richard Friedman Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 She's told me that she feels bad about what she's doing to me, however she has yet to show me any affection whatsoever or put any effort into trying to figure this out. It all blew up earlier this week and got to the point where she said that if i didn't leave her alone and give her her space she was going to leave me and I could go find someone else who would be willing to deal with my needs. Fearing for the worst, I told her that I would do the best I could to give her her space and leave it up to her to tell/show me the next time she wanted to make love. That was 4 days ago now and still not a hint of her having any interest in me. LOl. Only an American would put up with this nonsense. Stuck between two pillars of shame. Ashamed that if he demands sex from his wife he's a chauvinist, misogynist pig who wants women barefoot and pregnant. Also too ashamed to get his needs met elsewhere with a mistress because of that puritan streak about forbidden sex youve got going on. Bro, in most places in the world it's accepted that man has a right to sex with his wife. I'm from israel. We are an advanced country, although more traditional. Let me tell you, even an israeli woman would think you're a wimp for tolerating this.
TigerCub Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 Putting your sex life on hold for 2 years due to your living situation was a bit of a red flag for me. A woman with a sex drive wouldn't have suggested that. There are many creative ways to get alone time and have sex. If sex was important to her, she would have demanded that a way be found, because 2 years is a really long time to go without, esp in a commited relationship! Exactly!!! I'm sorry OP, but really? you never thought it was odd that she didn't want sex for 2 years and now you're expecting it. Divorce her - She's not going to make you happy or make any effort to give you what you need - hey! she got what she wanted, so who cares about you now??? Don't put yourself through the bull****.
stillafool Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 I'm concerned about the fact that she doesn't seem to be in the mood for any kind of affection... so she's not interested in cuddling, or a massage, or anything that is non-sexual? She isn't interested in affection with him because she knows closeness will arouse him and then he will pester her for sex.
StoneCold Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 (edited) Only an American would put up with this nonsense. Stuck between two pillars of shame. Ashamed that if he demands sex from his wife he's a chauvinist, misogynist pig who wants women barefoot and pregnant. Also too ashamed to get his needs met elsewhere with a mistress because of that puritan streak about forbidden sex youve got going on.. Yeah... we are quite plagued with that Let me tell you, even an israeli woman would think you're a wimp for tolerating this. Unless you are like The Zohan....just about anybody would be a wimp to an Israeli Edited October 3, 2011 by StoneCold
Outdoorbum Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 I know of couples who, for religious reasons only, elected to not have sex until marriage. Not having it because of your living situation doesn't add up. As an earlier post mentioned, you never had a weekend at Motel 8, the car, or a tent??? Assuming everything in your relationship is fine (which is a stretch based on the facts you've given) not pestering her for 4 days isn't going to do jack squat. I do know one thing....going to bed and "praying this is the night" or almost coming to tears over it is only pushing her further away. So is discussing it, worrying about it, thinking about it. I've got to tell you, the harder you try now the worse its gonna get
BrokenSoul4Me Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 I'm extremely embarrassed by this entire situation and have been trying to look around and get as much information as possible to help me with the position that I'm in, but some feedback from others would be greatly appreciated. Any help or recommendations would be greatly appreciated. Thanks. I've been married 10 years (click on my username and read my new post about my wife having an affair). My wife's lacking desire to have sex was because she was in love with someone else. Could this situation possilbly be the same you are facing? I'm scorned now, so I would check emails, phone records, etc. Better to know now than years from now. Sorry this is such a 'debbie downer' reply.
Breezie Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 Hello tjD, While I don't have any suggestions for you, I am here to just say I understand where you are coming from and your frustrations. I was dating a man for 3 years, and at the beginning it was great as well. We got married, and for less than a 2 year marriage, we had sex 3 times total (once including the first night of marriage). Lets just say that I was married on October 5th, 2008, and we separated July 16th 2010. I am now divorced and MUCH happier. Sex is very important in relationships, especially when you're not having it. I did everything from try to talk to him about it, to suggesting counseling, to him goign to the doctors to get checked out. He claims it was depression. In any case, I'm thrilled to be out, and am now in a wonderful relationship where it is not an issue. The only thing I wonder when looking back is "how did I tolerate this for so long".
LSChic Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 I hope you're still reading this because I have some really good advice (IMHO). Honestly, some women just don't have much of a sex drive. That's why it's better that we're the ****ees instead of the ****ers. It makes evolutionary sense, too, although I won't go into that since evolutionary psychology is a really controversial field. So, yeah, your wife may just have a low sex drive. Some women are happy with having sex 2 times a year. Some feel violated whenever they have sex. For some, it just doesn't feel very good. The fact that you went 2 years without having sex is kind of a warning sign. When I was with my last boyfriend, if we couldn't have sex in the house, we'd just go at it wherever. We had sex in libraries, random hallways, rooftops, and cars. Oh, and we didn't worry if there were parents or friends or cousins in the next room. It's not like they don't know what it is. However, you know your wife better than anyone else. If you think that deep down she actually has a healthy sex drive, you might be right. A lot of women get depressed after their weddings. You planned for this great thing for a year and it's over in 5 hours?! WTF?! There's sort of a period of shock. Also, she's right that birth control can kill your sex drive. I highly doubt it's the birth control (because then she'd be wondering why she doesn't want to have sex), but if it is you should ask about either non-hormonal forms of birth control or local birth control. Non-hormonal is like a copper IUD or a diaphragm. Having an IUD implanted can be painful and they can have some annoying issues but usually after you get it put in, you're fine. This shouldn't mess with her moods at all because there are no drugs to do that. Local hormonal birth control is like the NuvaRing or Mirena (also an IUD). These methods do contain hormones that can affect her moods but they're less likely to do so. Because they're worn in the vagina or uterus, the amount of hormone needed is significantly less and generally negligible as far as moods. You could also try the Today Sponge. I love the sponge. No hormones and it can be worn for 24 hours and for multiple "sessions." It's comfortable for the woman and the man can't feel it. It was my main birth control until I went on a medication that could really hurt a fetus and my doctor suggested I get on a backup birth control as well (the sponge is reliable, but you have to remember to put it in). Stay away from the following methods if she's sensitive to hormones: the pill, the implant (implanon), the shots (depo-provera), and the patch (Ortho Evera). All of these methods send hormones through the blood stream and can have significant emotional side effects. However, like I said, I really don't think it's the pill. If it was the pill, she wouldn't be apathetic about getting help, she'd want to know what was wrong with her body. Her apathy, if it isn't just a low sex drive, suggests depression. I know a lot of women who got depressed and their sex drives took a big hit. It's not uncommon. This is ESPECIALLY true if she is already on an antidepressant because they can kill your sex drive. I have a crazy-teenage-boy sex drive (and I'm a 24 year old woman!). When I was living with my ex-bf I would initiate 5 times or more a week. Then I got severely depressed, but my sex drive survived the depression. I was put on a SNRI called Effexor and once I was up to a pretty large dose, my sex drive was killed. It wasn't like I went from 5 times a week to 2 times. No. I was completely asexual. Depression can make you apathetic and make you lose track of what's really important. My boyfriend also had to drag me to the doctor. Then, my doctor put me on THE MAGIC DRUG... Men have Viagra and there is some evidence that it helps women, though not much. Because a woman's sex drive is more mental, you have to get to the root of the problem...the brain. Having more blood flow to the vagina (what Viagra does) is nice, but it's not going to make me want to have sex. My doctor put me on Wellbutrin. It's an atypical anti-depressant, but it's also known to heighten the sex drive. For 1 in 10 people it will actually lower interest in sex, but for about 8 out of 10 people it will increase the sex drive. The remaining 10% said the drug didn't have an impact on their sex drive. The reason no one knows about this drug is because it got bad press when a study showed that it can cause seizures in people prone to seizures. If your wife has ever had a seizure, her doctor will probably want to run some tests before he puts her on it. If she's never had a seizure, no problem. It completely restored my sex drive! I'm back to normal even though I'm still on the Effexor. Unfortunately, the FDA hasn't approved Wellbutrin for treatment of sexual dysfunction, but your wife's lack of interest may be a sign of a little depression so you might be able to talk your doctor into it. Also, if your wife is depressed, this drug will kill two birds with one stone (it's very effective on depression). I haven't had any severe side effects, but they are possible. You and your wife should do some research before you go to the doctor. The one side effect I do have is excessive sweating (weird, I know), but this isn't a common side effect. Hope this helped!
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