BLuvv Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 Ever since I broke up with my ex 1 year ago (I explained in another post the breakup), Fridays are the days I dread. We still hung out and still slept together and was used to always making plans on Friday. Then every Friday i'd wait and hope he'd ask to do something. Occasionally I made plans but I didn't want to appear clingy. If he made plans I was all abuzz and excited, if not I was deeply depressed. Sometimes i'd just go home and do nothing really. How pathetic of me. Ever since he cancelled plans on Monday and we argued over text I haven't heard from him. I know he's busy, I'm sure he's fine. I'm just numb. I hit a high early this week when I made the decision, was even a bit manic, blew a bunch of money on Amazon. Work was crazy busy and kept me occupied I felt productive. I even felt appreciative of my job that I normally hate, but things at work are looking up. There are some good things in the works for me. Today is slow and I have too much time to think. I hate that he used me and I hate that I let him. I clearly told him "friends with benefits" made me feel worse, and once he swore it would never happen again. But I can't say no to him. Actually I couldn't say no to him, because I've decided I'm done with it. I asked him occasionally if he could ever see us working out, he said he didn't want to give me hope. I should've taken. That answer and left. But better late than never. It's like giving up an addiction and all you want is a hit, but it keeps you strung out and leaves you feeling lower than before. I wish I had stronger will power and had valued myself enough to walk away. Sometimes I feel he is cruel to have done this to me, almost sadistic. He knew how I felt. Its not like we never talked about it. Most times I avoided it, but then I would break down and tell him everything. He would reassure me and I would drop it for a time. I didn't want him to think spending time with me meant crying and tears. He never seemed upset about the way things were though. How could he have a heart and watch me suffer for this long? My friend who told me from the start he was so cruel was right. Even my emotionally abusive ex-fiance had more heart than that. I knew he fought with me because he cared, but insecurities of his own made him bitter and untrusting. I can empathize with my old fiance, we both were products of parents who were cruel. This ex was spoiled and put on a pedestal especially by his mom. I feel like it made him so selfish. He even said with his mom, no girl could ever be good enough for him. And it hurts because I think he believed too that I fell under that category. Wow, okay I intended to make a quick post and got carried away. Just waiting for work to end so I can go home. B
lonelynyc Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 I agree. It's incredibly cold when they use us for comfort after the breakup, all the while hatching their move to the next person. I let myself become a male whore essentially. "Oh baby, you want a backrub, sure thing. Oh baby, you want to **** me? No problem. Oh baby you want me to walk your dog while you're visiting with family (but really on a date with some new guy)? I can do that." It's pathetic and infantile, but dependence leads us down that unsavory path. They prey on our weakness to show themselves that whatever they're going through, someone else has it worse (namely us) for being so hopelessly in love. We're the fail-safe option. It sucks. That's great that you've been able to get yourself out of that impossible situation. Things will only improve from here.
Author BLuvv Posted September 30, 2011 Author Posted September 30, 2011 I agree. It's incredibly cold when they use us for comfort after the breakup, all the while hatching their move to the next person. I let myself become a male whore essentially. "Oh baby, you want a backrub, sure thing. Oh baby, you want to **** me? No problem. Oh baby you want me to walk your dog while you're visiting with family (but really on a date with some new guy)? I can do that." It's pathetic and infantile, but dependence leads us down that unsavory path. They prey on our weakness to show themselves that whatever they're going through, someone else has it worse (namely us) for being so hopelessly in love. We're the fail-safe option. It sucks. That's great that you've been able to get yourself out of that impossible situation. Things will only improve from here. Yeah it's been quite literally a rollercoaster, and I'm getting off now. I'm pretty good if I'm determined, somehwhere deep inside me is a very stubborn person. Well, I guess I was being stubborn all along to hold on. But yeah I agree its so crappy knowing they probably are looking for the next person while they're laying next to you. And yeah he still asked me to come housesit and watch his dog when he was vactioning. Meanwhile, I had to put one of my dogs to sleep, and he wasn't there for me. How can they live with themselves knowing they are advantage of someone who is at their lowest? I will never understand that. Guess it doesn't matter what he thinks/does though. I just gotta keep walking. B
jfLip Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 Hang in there BLuvv. Don't worry you're not the only one feeling alone on Friday's. Sucks because most of my friends are busy/out of town.
coltsfan1 Posted October 1, 2011 Posted October 1, 2011 Bluvv- Saturday nights and Sundays are my hardest days. I try to stay busy with friends or family and keep myself occupied. It will take some time getting adjusted to being single and solo but it will get better.
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