anywho Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 Here's the deal.... I have been dating a divorced man 35, with 3 children for 3 months. I hesitated on going out with him but he was very persistent and I finally gave in. We connected and I really started to like him. We have a lot of differences consisting of him having children, I do not, I make double what he does in salary. He has an ex-wife that makes his life miserable, my ex is not in the picture at all, he's basically an alcoholic and smoker, I'm not. He told me that I was the prettiest woman he ever went out with and that I was out of his league. Anyway, I was accepting of all his baggage because he made me happy. He started telling me he loved me very early on and hoped this would end in a long term relationship. He always called me and texted every day, all day. I met his kids early on and did several things with them. Trying to make this story shorter......I hung up on him last week telling him I'm done because he said something that really hurt me. He never called back. Sooooo 3 days later I called him to talk. He came over and I thought it ended up good. He said that he did need to talk to his kids because they didn't understand why I broke it off and he is not going to put them through the hell like he and his ex did, but that everything would probably be good. IT WASN'T!! The next night he texted he was sorry and could only be friends. I said to not give up on us if his feelings were as real as he said and he said they never changed and he would talk to the kids. Soooo, I assumed by the way he was talking that everything was going to be good....2 days later he said again all he could offer me is friendship. I'M CRUSHED!!! I feel as though I've been mislead and gave my all to this. During the conversation, I told him I thought that would be his answer and I'll have peace with that. I wished the best for him and his kids. He said he still didn't know if he was making the correct decision, but since I was forcing him to tell me know, he had to say that. SO, WILL HE REGRET THIS? I will never call him or beg him but WILL HE EVENTUALLY CALL ME? I'm a really strong and confident woman normally but I'm just soooo confused!!!!
Nexus One Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 There could be several things going on here. a) He wants to shield his children from drama. He has drama enough with his ex and I imagine he thought that had a bad effect on his children. Hence he made a choice and chose for his children. However deep down he would want a relationship with you, but the wellbeing of his children has priority, i.e. no drama. b) He's wishy washy and acts irrational and unpredictable, because he's an alcoholic. c) Or a combination of the above. d) There's another reason that is a factor.
Imajerk17 Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 (edited) He's an alcoholic with 3 kids. What, you can't find yourself a better man? To answer your question, I don't know. Probably when you start dating someone else. People who come on really strong really fast tend to fall out of their feelings just as fast. Especially if alcohol is in the picture. Edited September 30, 2011 by Imajerk17
Feelsgoodman Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 I like how you started your post basically saying how much better you are than him (non-smoker, non-drinker, bigger salary, no baggage) and that you only started dating him because he was showering you with compliments, which made you feel happy (on a side note, I would suggest this shows that you are not quite as "strong" and "confident" as you claim to be). None of this is relevant to the question you posed, but you just had to put it out there to portray yourself as a victim, didn't you? Yet, the one detail that does matter, you chose to omit. What exactly did he say to make you break up with him initially? If it was something fairly trivial, he has a right to be concerned, as breaking up over a triviality is a sign of an emotionally unstable (and possibly bi-polar) person and I can't blame him for not wanting to expose his kids to someone like that. If it was something serious, however, it could be a different story.
Imajerk17 Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 I like how you started your post basically saying how much better you are than him (non-smoker, non-drinker, bigger salary, no baggage) and that you only started dating him because he was showering you with compliments, which made you feel happy (on a side note, I would suggest this shows that you are not quite as "strong" and "confident" as you claim to be). None of this is relevant to the question you posed, but you just had to put it out there to portray yourself as a victim, didn't you? Yet, the one detail that does matter, you chose to omit. What exactly did he say to make you break up with him initially? If it was something fairly trivial, he has a right to be concerned, as breaking up over a triviality is a sign of an emotionally unstable (and possibly bi-polar) person and I can't blame him for not wanting to expose his kids to someone like that. If it was something serious, however, it could be a different story. Yeah that's right. Very good points man!
Author anywho Posted September 30, 2011 Author Posted September 30, 2011 I like how you started your post basically saying how much better you are than him (non-smoker, non-drinker, bigger salary, no baggage) and that you only started dating him because he was showering you with compliments, which made you feel happy (on a side note, I would suggest this shows that you are not quite as "strong" and "confident" as you claim to be). None of this is relevant to the question you posed, but you just had to put it out there to portray yourself as a victim, didn't you? Yet, the one detail that does matter, you chose to omit. What exactly did he say to make you break up with him initially? If it was something fairly trivial, he has a right to be concerned, as breaking up over a triviality is a sign of an emotionally unstable (and possibly bi-polar) person and I can't blame him for not wanting to expose his kids to someone like that. If it was something serious, however, it could be a different story. Thanks for your opinion. I guess I do feel like a victim because I accepted him in my life knowing I would have to give up a lot to be with him. I don't think I'm better than him or anyone else. Trust me that I am not bi-polar, just a woman who has gotten her heart broken last night. We have both hung up on each other once. I got upset over a comment that was misleading about an ex-girlfriend. Impulsive...yes. Regret that I did it...yes. Called him back to apologize...yes. We all make mistakes.
Author anywho Posted September 30, 2011 Author Posted September 30, 2011 There could be several things going on here. a) He wants to shield his children from drama. He has drama enough with his ex and I imagine he thought that had a bad effect on his children. Hence he made a choice and chose for his children. However deep down he would want a relationship with you, but the wellbeing of his children has priority, i.e. no drama. b) He's wishy washy and acts irrational and unpredictable, because he's an alcoholic. c) Or a combination of the above. d) There's another reason that is a factor. Thank you for responding. Actually, he has said he wants to shield his children from drama. I totally understand that. Unfortunately, I made one bad move and hung up on him with his children there. I never knew it could have gone this far. I try to be drama free. It was an impulsive move I regret. Being a woman, you just think if a man says he sooo in love with you, he would be able to overlook one mistake.
Author anywho Posted September 30, 2011 Author Posted September 30, 2011 He's an alcoholic with 3 kids. What, you can't find yourself a better man? To answer your question, I don't know. Probably when you start dating someone else. People who come on really strong really fast tend to fall out of their feelings just as fast. Especially if alcohol is in the picture. I like your answer. When your emotions are strong, your heart seems to overrule your mind.
january2011 Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 It sounds like there's too much drama in this relationship and not enough room for the both of you. I'm not a man nor am I a mindreader but here's my tuppenceworth. I don't know whether he will regret his decision or not. And I don't understand why that should concern you other than for ego boost reasons, which seems to be a very superficial way to go about things in this kind of situation. You're done and he's done. Best to try to act like grownups and move on. Given all his problems and the mentioned differences between the two of you, you are probably better off apart than together. He can find a more stable partnership that doesn't add more drama to his life. And you can find someone who doesn't have as much baggage.
Pierre Posted October 1, 2011 Posted October 1, 2011 You are an insecure woman with low self esteem that fell for a man that showered you with attention. Attention is like a very addictive drug for women like you. I hope he dumps you! He is a divorced man with three children that is an alcoholic, a smoker, and makes much less than you. Most secure women with good self esteem would not pay any attention to this man, but you did because you need external validation very badly. You are weak and will not be able to dump this man, therefore, I hope he dumps you. that would be the best thing that could happen to you.
Author anywho Posted October 1, 2011 Author Posted October 1, 2011 You are an insecure woman with low self esteem that fell for a man that showered you with attention. Attention is like a very addictive drug for women like you. I hope he dumps you! He is a divorced man with three children that is an alcoholic, a smoker, and makes much less than you. Most secure women with good self esteem would not pay any attention to this man, but you did because you need external validation very badly. You are weak and will not be able to dump this man, therefore, I hope he dumps you. that would be the best thing that could happen to you. Thanks for your opinion. I still think I have good self esteem, but I just had a very strong connection with him and fell fast. I probably just got played hard and was not realizing it. No worries, I did get dumped last night.
Author anywho Posted October 1, 2011 Author Posted October 1, 2011 Can you please elaborate? Sure.... He hung up on me one night after getting drunk from being stressed due to his ex-wife and her tactics using his kids to get back with her. He apoligized, I accepted. It started putting a stress level on me. As we were having a conversation last Thurs., I asked him if what he was feeling for me was more than what he felt for his past girlfriend at this point in their relationship....He said "No." It blew me away because he had told me that after the 3 month mark with her it just became sexual and he knew it was never going anywhere. Sooooo, I had that thought in my head about us, told him that he probably needed to go back to her and hung up on him. I learned a lesson though..... Don't ask a question if you really don't want to know!!!! Monday he said he misunderstood what I was trying to ask him and it was all bad communication. It was a very bad, impulsive move on my part, I know. My emotions got the best of me!
phineas Posted October 1, 2011 Posted October 1, 2011 when I tell a woman to take a hike it is deliberate & not regretted. to be honest, if a woman had asked me what you asked him I probably would of dumped you. Total turn-off. You wouldn't of had the chance to play your push/pull game on me.
Hot Chick Posted October 1, 2011 Posted October 1, 2011 He is not a good dad if he is an alcoholic and a smoker. I feel sorry for his kids. Anyway, you dodged a bullet. Walk away and don't look back. In fact - run!
daphne Posted October 1, 2011 Posted October 1, 2011 I'm not a guy, but here's my take. 1) You shouldn't have asked the question about the ex gf. That was a fishing expedition gone awry. 2) You shouldn't have gotten so emotional when you hear an answer you don't like. That sets a manipulative precedence, and it's totally reactionary and drama. 3) You shouldn't have told him you were done, then when he didn't chase after you call him back in desperation hoping he'll understand you made a mistake. 4) You shouldn't have immediately accepted his apology when he pulled the same crap on you in the beginning. The two of you are establishing a pattern of reactionary and emotional behavior. It sounds like he started it, and you're trying to see how much power you have over him. It's not a good game to play. If you had heard something you didn't like, it would have been better to simply acknowledge that it hurt or bothered you and not overreact and just think about it on your own. Get perspective. People respond better to the truth without manipulation. People that care about you generally do want to make you happy. But when you go in heavy handed, it tends to backfire, especially early on. And especially with someone who just went through drama with an ex wife. Figure out what you could have done better, and remember that for next time. I don't think you were in this for the right reasons, as several posters have suggested. I think you thought he would do whatever he had to do to keep you, and the feeling was probably intoxicating until he didn't respond the way you thought he would. Move on. The only thing you can salvage is your pride at this point, in my opinion.
Jynxx Posted October 1, 2011 Posted October 1, 2011 ...I hung up on him last week telling him I'm done because he said something that really hurt me. [...] I feel as though I've been mislead and gave my all to this Like other people have said, you are not the victim in this, so stop acting like one. Dumping someone is not something you can take back with an apology days later after you realise he's not calling you. I'm pretty sure he won't contact you again. Maybe if you bump into him a couple years from now you guys might have a shot, but I doubt it. He made a decission and he's not changing his mind.
Pierre Posted October 1, 2011 Posted October 1, 2011 Thanks for your opinion. I still think I have good self esteem, but I just had a very strong connection with him and fell fast. I probably just got played hard and was not realizing it. No worries, I did get dumped last night. The best thing that could happen to you is that this man ended with you. Years from now you will be thankful he left you. An alcoholic is not a good match for any woman in the planet and that includes you. Furthermore, he HAS THREE CHILDREN and a ton of baggage. You said in your 1st post: He told me that I was the prettiest woman he ever went out with and that I was out of his league. Those words are like magic for an insecure woman with low self esteem that badly needs external validation. A secure woman with good self esteem would generally run away from those words because she is intrinsically happy. The fact that he is WAY BELOW your league is another sign of your insecurity. Picking a loser is less threatening to your insecurity, because you are way above his league/ A man similar or above you would make you feel very insecure. Truthfully, you need to be 100% happy on your own and then when you date you will find you don't need that external validation to be happy. Furthermore, you will not fall for words such as: He told me that I was the prettiest woman he ever went out with and that I was out of his league. In fact, those words will turn your stomach. You will go for a man that complements your happiness. Not someone that will make you happy.
Author anywho Posted October 1, 2011 Author Posted October 1, 2011 (edited) Like other people have said, you are not the victim in this, so stop acting like one. Dumping someone is not something you can take back with an apology days later after you realise he's not calling you. I'm pretty sure he won't contact you again. Maybe if you bump into him a couple years from now you guys might have a shot, but I doubt it. He made a decission and he's not changing his mind. There is more to it than I've posted why I feel like a victim. I did call him back the next day to apologize, not days after..... I just always thought that when someone tells you everyday how much they love you, it would be hard for them not to forgive. That's where I was confused because I know I would. Thanks. Edited October 1, 2011 by anywho
Author anywho Posted October 1, 2011 Author Posted October 1, 2011 The best thing that could happen to you is that this man ended with you. Years from now you will be thankful he left you. An alcoholic is not a good match for any woman in the planet and that includes you. Furthermore, he HAS THREE CHILDREN and a ton of baggage. You said in your 1st post: Those words are like magic for an insecure woman with low self esteem that badly needs external validation. A secure woman with good self esteem would generally run away from those words because she is intrinsically happy. The fact that he is WAY BELOW your league is another sign of your insecurity. Picking a loser is less threatening to your insecurity, because you are way above his league/ A man similar or above you would make you feel very insecure. Truthfully, you need to be 100% happy on your own and then when you date you will find you don't need that external validation to be happy. Furthermore, you will not fall for words such as: He told me that I was the prettiest woman he ever went out with and that I was out of his league. In fact, those words will turn your stomach. You will go for a man that complements your happiness. Not someone that will make you happy. What you said makes a lot of sense. All of my friends (men and women), have told me that I'm not being my normal self and it's so unlike me to be acting like this and dating a man like this. I just need to pull myself together and move on. Thanks so much for your advice!!
Recommended Posts