ektar Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 (edited) I have a question. I met a girl last week and we have been on a few dates. I really like her and I can tell she likes me, too. My problem is that I am waiting for a divorce to be finalized and I haven't told her yet. How do I do it? It's such an inherently awkward conversation to have, but I need it to happen because I see long-term potential with her. For what it's worth, I have the most benign divorce story imaginable. My ex and I split up almost two years ago after being married for a few months. We just weren't right for each other, it was completely amicable, and we maintain a strong, healthy friendship. However, the romantic aspect of our relationship has been over for years and we are not getting back together. (My ex has had multiple relationships since we broke up.) There is no drama, no bitterness, and no raw emotions. We dragged our feet about getting divorced, in large part for financial reasons (both in school and couldn't afford attorney's fees). I recently relocated for a good-paying job and can finally afford to get it finished. However, I have to live in-state for six months first, so I'm just running out the clock until about the end of the year. I don't want to ruin what feels like a good thing just because the timing was off by a few months. How do I tell her this without scaring her away? Edited September 30, 2011 by ektar spelling
january2011 Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 (edited) Tell her that you are separated but not divorced yet. Also tell her when you expect the divorce to be finalised. Offer the link to the public court records so that she can verify the information. Be open and honest to her questions and try not to come across as guarded. If you met her online and/or told her that you were single, you might need to be prepared for her to walk because she feels that you misled her. Unfortunately, a chance you'll have to take because presumably it's all going to come out at some point. Probably better out at an early stage when not a lot of emotional investment has been made and therefore recovery is likely to be much quicker and less painful. Edited September 30, 2011 by january2011
oaks Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 You can't really sugar-coat it. Just tell her you're separated and you're waiting for the divorce to be finalised and if she wants to know more tell her you're happy to explain it.
carhill Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 Welcome to LS 'My estranged wife and I have been separated for xxx and our divorce is expected to be final on xxx' In your case, you would have to add 'due to the residency requirement, I'll be filing on xxx', since, at least in Cali, IIRC, you can't *file* for divorce until the residency requirement is met. Then, it's a year 'cooling off' period. Your jurisdiction will vary in this regard. How did you list your marital status in your dating profile? What questions have you answered in regards to your marital status and how did you answer them? I put 'separated' in my dating profile to disclose my marital status up front. I'm now divorced.
Author ektar Posted September 30, 2011 Author Posted September 30, 2011 Thanks for the welcome! The site I met her on didn't have 'separated" as an option -- only "married" and "single". I chose "single" feeling it be a more accurate representation of where I'm at in life, which I'm sure plenty of people would beat me up about. The fact is, I go for weeks at a time without thinking about my "marriage". Apart from the friendship I have with my ex, it's not an important part of my life. I guess I know a lot of what I have to say. Part of what I'm looking for is just a little reassurance that she won't *necessarily* bolt for the door immediately.
january2011 Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 I guess I know a lot of what I have to say. Part of what I'm looking for is just a little reassurance that she won't *necessarily* bolt for the door immediately. That depends on her. If she feels strongly about you then that might outweigh her instincts to run. All you can really do is be honest and open from now on. I think she's also likely to want reassurances from you that the divorce will be finalised without delay. She might think that six months+ is too long to wait, she might not. But you won't find out until you talk to her.
carhill Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 We have no way of knowing or predicting what she will do. I asked such a question *prior* to dating as a separated man in a similar situation and the overwhelming response from the women here was that they would *not* date me, specifically because of that separated status, and they know my backstory a lot more than we know yours. You can't unring the bell so it's only moving forward now. I personally would resent someone who withheld important information like that, and women have done so in the past, so take my opinion for what it's worth. Better to get it out now and deal with it. Oh, and don't go into the details about being 'friendly' with your ex, who's not really your ex yet. Women don't particularly like that either. Too many 'scenarios'. I'll assume your estranged wife is an enthusiastic supporter of any relationships you engage in, as any friend would be. Good luck.
oaks Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 The site I met her on didn't have 'separated" as an option -- only "married" and "single". I chose "single" feeling it be a more accurate representation of where I'm at in life, which I'm sure plenty of people would beat me up about. If things don't work out with this woman then you could consider writing in your summary that you are separated. That's what I do (although I've discovered that not everyone reads it).
Star Gazer Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 You obviously have to tell her, she'll find out the timing of your divorce eventually. Does she even know you were once married?
Author ektar Posted September 30, 2011 Author Posted September 30, 2011 Thanks carhill. Yes, certainly no one has any way of knowing how this particular scenario will play out. I'm just looking for some hope that it's not already a foregone conclusion. But as you say, there's no way to go but forward. And yes, my (soon-to-be-)ex is supportive of this. There are really no issues here except for some trivial clerical work. I am single in every *meaningful* sense of the word. My marriage exists solely as a piece of paper filed in a courthouse somewhere.
oaks Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 And yes, my (soon-to-be-)ex is supportive of this. There are really no issues here except for some trivial clerical work. I am single in every *meaningful* sense of the word. My marriage exists solely as a piece of paper filed in a courthouse somewhere. Hopefully she'll be understanding and not judgemental. Some people have strong feelings about this so don't leave it too long before you tell her.
KathyM Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 I have a question. I met a girl last week and we have been on a few dates. I really like her and I can tell she likes me, too. My problem is that I am waiting for a divorce to be finalized and I haven't told her yet. How do I do it? It's such an inherently awkward conversation to have, but I need it to happen because I see long-term potential with her. For what it's worth, I have the most benign divorce story imaginable. My ex and I split up almost two years ago after being married for a few months. We just weren't right for each other, it was completely amicable, and we maintain a strong, healthy friendship. However, the romantic aspect of our relationship has been over for years and we are not getting back together. (My ex has had multiple relationships since we broke up.) There is no drama, no bitterness, and no raw emotions. We dragged our feet about getting divorced, in large part for financial reasons (both in school and couldn't afford attorney's fees). I recently relocated for a good-paying job and can finally afford to get it finished. However, I have to live in-state for six months first, so I'm just running out the clock until about the end of the year. I don't want to ruin what feels like a good thing just because the timing was off by a few months. How do I tell her this without scaring her away? I would suggest telling her that you want to be honest with her. You are currently separated, but your divorce will be final in approximately _____ months. You hope that doesn't change anything between you, because you feel there is a lot of potential for a great relationship with her.
Pierre Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 I have a question. I met a girl last week and we have been on a few dates. I really like her and I can tell she likes me, too. My problem is that I am waiting for a divorce to be finalized and I haven't told her yet. How do I do it? It's such an inherently awkward conversation to have, but I need it to happen because I see long-term potential with her. For what it's worth, I have the most benign divorce story imaginable. My ex and I split up almost two years ago after being married for a few months. We just weren't right for each other, it was completely amicable, and we maintain a strong, healthy friendship. However, the romantic aspect of our relationship has been over for years and we are not getting back together. (My ex has had multiple relationships since we broke up.) There is no drama, no bitterness, and no raw emotions. We dragged our feet about getting divorced, in large part for financial reasons (both in school and couldn't afford attorney's fees). I recently relocated for a good-paying job and can finally afford to get it finished. However, I have to live in-state for six months first, so I'm just running out the clock until about the end of the year. I don't want to ruin what feels like a good thing just because the timing was off by a few months. How do I tell her this without scaring her away? You need to be clear and very open about this. If you check the OW forum there are hundreds of women there that ended up having an affair with married man that said they were waiting for a divorce. Many believed the line even though these men had no intentions to get a divorce. So you need to be very clear and open about this. Some women view divorced men as men that have failed marriage and if these women are looking for a husband that could be a strike against you.
Author ektar Posted September 30, 2011 Author Posted September 30, 2011 Thanks for the advice and support, everyone. Having recently moved, I don't yet have anyone close by with whom I feel comfortable discussing this. I really appreciate the input. I live a very honest life and this has been weighing on me terribly.
Star Gazer Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 Does she even know you were once married? Can you answer this question?
Author ektar Posted September 30, 2011 Author Posted September 30, 2011 Can you answer this question? Sorry, missed you earlier. No, she doesn't. We haven't discussed "past relationships," and if it had come up at all, she would have the full story by now anyway. I wouldn't lie. As I said, I'm a very honest person. Some might say that checking the "single" box suggests otherwise, but I would counter that my situation doesn't fit into either of the neat categories assumed by that dichotomy. I picked the one that was, in my opinion, much closer to the truth.
Star Gazer Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 But it's factually inaaccurate. What site wouldn't let you choose divorced?
ThsAmericanLife Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 I don't want to ruin what feels like a good thing just because the timing was off by a few months. How do I tell her this without scaring her away? Well, if it is so wonderful, then she shouldn't mind waiting until your divorce is final, right? These are things you can't take back. Setting the stage for a respectful and honest relationship up front is the best way. If all you care about is delaying the truth as long as possible so you can reel her in emotionally, she is right for running... not walking away from you.
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