Kageytn Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 It's been illuminating. I feel like this break up has morphed into a journey of self-discovery. I am learning to love myself and to fill my own emotional needs. I joined the Self Confidence Challenge and it has helped immensely. I was writing I will be and I changed it to I am becoming. That small change has helped me feel like I am making worthwhile changes and moving in the right direction. In therapy, I have learned this break up has been so hard because I am letting go of family patterns and the way my father treats me even now. It is incredibly difficult and I struggle every day. I want out of the cesspool but I am so used to the cesspool that it is a daily challenge. I see the grass and the flowers lining the pool and I struggle with reaching for them. On the relationship side, I am trying to maintain NC. The Ex realizes he is losing control of me. He realizes I am moving away from him and he is pursuing hard. I maintained NC for 24 hours then we text last night. He asked if he could call me today. He has never done that before. It was respectful to my boundaries. I would love to take it as a hopeful change but I think it is probably more of a "I have to do something to talk to her, so I'll do this until she goes back to the way she used to be and then I can tread all over her again." He has commented on my new attitude and the change in myself. I said he could call. I notice I am quite angry with him and I keep pressing those feelings down. I have wanted to just rage at him but I keep telling myself not to expand the energy on him. Use it on myself. I wonder, though, if it is a healthy move. Maybe I should release the anger. Anyway, I am two months out and I feel I am on the right track. I am changing and moving and trying really hard.
Bruised Not Broken Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 I'm so happy you are growing from the experience. That is what we have to do through all the things that challenge us in life. BUT..with that said...the anger...you have to let go of it. The anger isn't hurting him and it will hurt you. One of your challenges should be to practice saying "I forgive him and I release my anger" and hopefully it will work...I'm still working on it...and it's not always easy. But the anger only hurts me. Keep up the good work. I'm proud of you
Author Kageytn Posted September 30, 2011 Author Posted September 30, 2011 The anger thing is hard. I was taught never to express anger. If I got angry as a child, my mother would always say she would talk to me when I calmed down. Anger was unacceptable. It is not even that I am angry at him, per se. He is who he is. I think I struggle with anger that I let him control me, manipulate me, beat me down and take my independence away from me. I am not even sure I want to forgive him. He did those things because they are who he is. He didn't do it to hurt me-that was a side effect. And see-I am rationalizing his behavior and excusing it instead of letting myself get angry with him. I am going to mull it over some more. I am still working on forgiving myself, too.
Bruised Not Broken Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 And see-I am rationalizing his behavior and excusing it instead of letting myself get angry with him. See, no, I think you're wrong...I don't think you have to accept his behavior...but being angry is counter productive. who does that hurt? YOU....not him. Acknowledge his behavior was wrong...learn from it...don't let someone else treat you that way....BUT being angry at him will only cause you pain. My mother used to say "being angry with someone is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die" Anger is a normal human emotion...but it's not a healthy one. I have anger issues...I know of what I speak. You are allowed to be angry, but learn to process it and let it go. It serves no long term purpose. I use mine to avoid hurting. If I feel sad, you can be sure I'll get angry. I feel like I'm in control when I'm angry...when I'm sad I feel helpless. BUT, when I'm angry...I only serve to cause more damage to me. So, learning acceptance and learning to use the wrongs I endure to make me stronger is the goal.
Author Kageytn Posted September 30, 2011 Author Posted September 30, 2011 Here's something interesting: We were just lightly texting and I wrote "No, I didn't talk to him. I try not to engage the batsh#t crazy." Then I thought about making a self deprecating joke about not talking to myself but decided not to go there. Next text from him: Oh, so you don't talk to yourself. Ha. Ha? How about not being a passive-aggressive ass slamming me? The ha at the end does not make it a joke. I decided to stop texting. He just keeps trying to knock me down.
Bruised Not Broken Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 One of the reasons I ended upon here was to help find the strength to end contact. And I think you need to do the same. NC...it's the only way to heal. No "light texting" No jokes...No "how are you"...nothing. You (and I and all us broken hearted dumpees) need to let go and move on. We will always hold hope, however slim, that something will change...we will say the right thing to give them some "ah ha" moment....and things will be better. 95% chance they won't. and all the contact will do is prolong our heartache. Try to go NC....Try reading this thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56954/ It's amusing and eye opening. You need to stop contact for your own good...it's the only way to move forward.
littleme Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 I've got to agree, I was getting angry with my ex, I was starting to dislike him & then he text me to find out how I was feeling after a car accident I'd had over the weekend and to let him know if there was anything he could do. Immediately my mindset went back to how lovely he could be and how awful i feel that I've now lost him to someone else. It felt like an innocent text but boy did it drag me back down!
Author Kageytn Posted September 30, 2011 Author Posted September 30, 2011 I have been responding to his texts. I need to stop. He's trying to lure me back in and I have to resist.
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