Daremo_06 Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 So a little background here. I'm 41. When I was 22 and in the military, I got married to a girl for all the wrong reasons. We only were together about 18months, but she ended up pregnant as we started to divorce. I was stationed in California and she lived on the east coast, over 3000 miles away. I came back for the baby to be born, but there wasn't any way to reconcile things. (Though if i knew 1/10th of what i know now about relationships.. but thats another topic) I started paying support. I initially tried to visit when I came back a year later on leave, but we had not finished divorcing yet and things were hostile, so I didn't push the issue. A few years later, I got a letter from her (well actually from her mom...) about how she was self sufficient and didn't want my support anymore. The gist of it is, I have not seen my son since he was born. I got busy with life out there, and when I came back to the east coast myself, I had ment to get around to fixing that, and well I just never have. He is almost 17 now. I got married again in 96 and then divorced in 2007. When I started dating I didn't want to go through the whole explanation and I had zero contact with ex one, so I figured why advertise extra baggage. My problem... My ex and I never had the "girlfriend/boyfriend" conversation where you talk about all the relationships you had and what happened to them in all the time we have known each other. (3 years) It just didn't come up and we had not really started talking intimately until the breakup in Aug. She has abuse issues stemming from a very abusive father and from a controlling mother. One of my oldest and closest friends who has been my other source of support these past 2 months, told me I have to have this conversation with her and I should do this soon. I have NO idea how she is going to react to this, AND I have a tendency to share too much sometimes. So I wanted to get some feedback on this before I act on it.
TheDovic Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 I'm confused! What exactly are you hoping to gain from having this conversation with your ex?
Author Daremo_06 Posted September 30, 2011 Author Posted September 30, 2011 not having that secret from her? hmmm perhaps its better to wait on this one till things are much more defined and definite....
TheDovic Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 not having that secret from her? hmmm perhaps its better to wait on this one till things are much more defined and definite.... I'd say so dude. Not really something you need to be talking to her about at this stage!!!
ShatteredReality Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 Unless you're getting back together with her it doesn't matter anymore. If you're going to reconcile then you do need to tell her...and be open and honest - just say that you have something you're ashamed of from your past and you just don't want to carry it alone anymore.
january2011 Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 Unless you're getting back together with her it doesn't matter anymore. If you're going to reconcile then you do need to tell her...and be open and honest - just say that you have something you're ashamed of from your past and you just don't want to carry it alone anymore. Seconded. If she's not in your life anymore, then she doesn't need to know.
Author Daremo_06 Posted October 1, 2011 Author Posted October 1, 2011 we are getting back together...
january2011 Posted October 1, 2011 Posted October 1, 2011 Then tell her. We don't know how she's going to react either. I agree with your friend, the sooner the better.
Lis007 Posted October 1, 2011 Posted October 1, 2011 How are you expecting her to react? I have to say (and I am not meaning to judge you) but I would question your honesty, values, and morals because I simply can't understand how someone can not have any involvement in their child's life no matter what the situation. I also don't understand how you could be with someone for so long and not tell them that you have child? You seem so concerned about what your ex may think and I have to wonder if you ever think about what your son may think of you?
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