Major family issue

[Frustrated father]

Here we go!!

 

My wife has an Opiate addiction that she is trying to overcome. She has been in treatment and has relapsed just lately. We have 4 children which are 25,23,22 & 19. My wife loves my kids so much that she wants to look for ways to agree with them on everything. When my kids do not handle their responsiblities she defends them to me and when I try to correct them and teach them how to look after themselves. This has hurt our kids and has driven my wife to medicate herself to cope with our family issues.

 

My wife had been in rehab in January and seemed to have been going well until lately and here is where the story starts. This current relapse has been triggered by these two events. I am just looking at what other people's opinions are as I am trying to maintain my sanity and do the best for my family.

 

Issue #1

 

Daugther #3 is 22 years old and has a 1 1/2 year old child. She has recently split up with the childs father and has been recently laid off. She is currently living in Maine and has recently moved into our summer home while she is trying to get a job. She called my wife about 4 weeks ago and told her that the front 2 tires on her car were bald and she needed to replace them. My wife came to me and said she wanted to buy my daughter 2 new tires for her car. I told my wife that our company has some apartments in Indiana that are needing to be cleaned up. We pay a contractor $100 per apartment to clean the units. I told my wife that I could arrange it so our daughter could clean about 15 of these units and that it would take her about 8 - 10 days to complete and she could make about $1500.00. This would be enough to purchase the tires and have a few bucks extra for her child. I approached my daughter by calling her on a Friday night and she told me she would think about it, But she was busy at the moment helping one of her friends do a fundraiser because her uncle didn't have any money and had fallen on hard times. I told my daughter that I needed to know by Sunday night so I could get it set up for her. Me and my wife called her on Sunday night and she was going with her new boyfriend to Foxwoods Casino for his birthday and she said she would call back, But she didn't and I ended up letting our contractor do the work. I had offered her a plane ticket for free as well so she would have been able to make the whole $1500.00.

 

Question!! Was my thinking okay?? I have a hard time just giving my kids money. I feel that the real issue here is that my daughter needs to do whatever she can to take care of her son and be responsible. Her not dealing with her tires makes me believe that she is not to concerned. My comment to my wife was she needs to be as concerned as us about the tires and until she is we can't help her. I made an opportinty for her to be able to buy her tires, But she elected not to do it. My wife and me are argueing about this as she feels that if my daughter has a wreck and her or my grandchild are injured it would be our fault because we didn't get her tires. I do not feel this way I feel it is her responsibilty. What do you think I should do about this situation.

 

 

Situation #2

 

Since situation #1 started my wife has started sneaking Opiates as she is having a tough time dealing with my children again. I was not aware that the opiates had resurfaced until this monday so things are getting serious again. So now we move on to Situaton #2. Daughter #2 is getting married in June. About 2 weeks ago she told me and her mother that she wanted to start getting the reception and wedding together. My wife and her got with a wedding planner and came up with the following ideas about who was suppose to pay for what. Here is what they determined.

 

Bride pays for: Wedding, Reception food and reception facilty rental and flowers at the church.

 

Groom pays for: Rehearsal dinner, Liquir at the reception and flowers for the tables at the reception.

 

Is was okay with this until my daughter told me that the facility was charging $250.00 a plate for the reception. I liked to fell over as she was inviting 80 people and this was going to cost 20k. I told her she needed to wait for her mother and I would convince my wife to fly up to Maine and help her with the negotiations for the reception costs. Well my wife went up there last week and together they got the cost down to $100 per person. I was still was shaking my head, But it was better than $250. Anyway the liquir portion of the reception was $40 per person. Here is where the drama starts!! Her future inlaws told her that they were not going to pay for anything. They told her they would pay for a rehearsal dinner at their house and that was it. Needless to say things started to detiorate from here. My wife told my daughter that she should go talk to them and that we should not have to pay for everything as they have the resources to pay for these things as well. Well don't forget that my wife has been sneaking opiates and she is not thinking clearly as people on opiates can act insane at times. Well the new inlaws held there position and things started going down hill from here on.

 

The next thig was my wife and my daughter went to finalize the wedding dress and also to get the dresses ordered for my other two daughters as they are in the wedding as well. My wife and my daughter keep bickering back and forth as my wife kept complaining about the inlaws not helping. There also is a couple of other things that the inlaws had interjected that were also causing issues. First was they had thought about getting married in Indiana where my family is located. The inlaws refused to come here so they were going to have the wedding in Maine so they could keep everyone happy. Me and my wife had told my daughter and son in law to be that it didn't matter to us as we were not the ones getting married and we would go wherever they chose. So then my daughter had thoughts about having the reception in Indiana after the wedding in Maine. Again they refused to come. My daughter had ask me if she could have 2 receptions. One in Maine and one in Indiana. I told her that we could only pay for one. I suggested they maybe have the wedding in Maine and then maybe a dinner after the wedding with the wedding party. Then they could travel to Indiana and have a nice reception here and they would be able to have all the family covered. So this idea was working and I though that everything was going to be okay.

 

Well I guess the in laws again were complaining about the amount of people at the dinner after the wedding and wanted to increase the amount to 44 people. I told my daughter that this was looking more like another reception and if she wanted to have the reception in Maine that it would be to expensive to have two receptions. I told her that I didn't understand why the inlaws were having an issue as they didn't want to contribute to the cost of the reception for basically their family, But they wanted to keep growing the number of people who were going to attend. Well My daughter was growing stressed and now looking at what the future would hold I may have handled this a little different.

 

Well my wife called me Sunday night in tears as she said my daughter was being unbearable because she seemed upset that the inlaws were not going to help. She said she was not going to ask them anymore to help with paying for anything as they had made it clear that they were not going to pay for anything. So I told my wife to come on home and that I would book here an airline ticket to leave Monday morning and that the only thing left for my daughter to order was flowers and that daughter #2 could do that with no issues by herself. So my other daughter #1 which has not been involved with any of the situations was driving my wife to the airport on monday morning. When they arrived in Portland my daughter called me and told me that my wife was having chest pains. I talked to my wife and she had explained to me that she had taken a large amount of opiates over the weekend as she was trying to cope with everything and she turned to opiated to help her cope. Needless to say I had my daughter rush her to the hospital and then we had her admitted to a short term 3 day detox program which ends in the morning. Well just when you think nothing can get any worse Tuesday morning my daughter that had drove my wife to the hospital called my daughter that was getting married and blasted her for putting so much stress on their mom. After she got done argueing with the daughter that is getting married she called the dress store and cancelled her bridesmaid dress and said she was not going to be in the wedding. Fifiteen minutes later my daughter that is getting married calls me and tells me all of this. I told her that she needed to take a deep breath and relax as her mother was in the hospital and that everything would work out.

 

Here comes the bombshell!!

 

My daughter told me that she was going to get married that evening at the beach and that she was cancelling her wedding. I told her not to over react and that everything would work out. She refused and told me she was getting married that day. About an hour lated Daughter #3 called and said " Hey dad my sister just cancelled all of her dresses and was going to pick up her wedding rings". I called my daugher and told her she was making a bad decision and that she should wait for her family. I very calmy tried to talk some reasoning into her. She replied that it was her day and she was getting married and she didn't care what anyone thought. I explained to her that this would crush her mother and that she should hold off a couple days as I couldn't even get there in time as there were no flights available in time. She told me she didn't care that this was to much stress on her and it didn't matter she was getting married !! Well I tried to talk to her fiance and he agreed, But told me she was persistant and that he would have a tough time changing her mind. Well needless to say they did it and they were married on the beach Tuesday night.

 

So here I am !! My wife is in a detox, My daughter just got married in the dress that her and her mother just bought 2 days earlier and all of her inlaws were at the wedding on the beach. Me and my wife missed the marriage of our first child to get married.

 

Here are the issues, The bride to be was having stress because the inlaws wouldn't pay for anything and would not travel if they did anything in Indiana. We were payng for everything and offered to travel wherever they got married. I don't get it !! We were the ones trying to help her have the wedding she wanted and we were the ones that got left out. The inlaws which refused to do anything got to make it to the wedding as they all live close by. Man, What a mess!!!

 

Well tuesday night I broke it to my wife while she was in the detox as I knew that there were counselors that could help her. As I had no answer for this behavior kid I didn't have any idea what to tell my wife. I just didn't get it. I felt like she was punishing us because we didn't pay for everything and didn't agree to the original $250 a plate reception. I know that is not the real reason, But I sure feel that way. I believe my daughter got frustrated with the inlaws and got to the point where she just wanted it over. I just wish she had waited for me and her mother. Well needless to say her mother was devistated !!!!

 

Now the hard part!! What should I do?? My wife has relapsed from her addiction problem because of this mess. My wife and me and our son were left out and me and my son basically weren't even there. How do I handle this?? I feel I need to do something as I can't have my daughter treating the rest of my family like this. She showed no compasion for her mother at all. I don't want to stop communcation with her for a while, But think that maybe the answer as I have to get the point across that she can't just treat us bad because she is upset with them, Especially on such an occasion like this. I am in shock and I have no answers!!!

 

Both of my daughters that I am having issues with seem like they are being real selfish or that is the way I am looking at it. Anyway how do you handle both issues?? Remember I also have a wife now dealing with an Opiate issue so I am trying not to get that problem any worse.

 

If anyone out there could share their ideas I would love to have a sounding board as I want to try to think rationally, But I am filled with emotoins over getting my feelings hurt and missing my daughters wedding. I have avoided talking to her since Tuesday as I have got the word to her that I need to focus on her mother right now because of the opiate issue. It is not only the opiate issue I am trying to get my arms around how to handle such a hurtful situation. I am scared that these two issues are going to throw my wife back into a full blown opiate addiction issue again.

 

Any input would be highly appreciated!!!

 

 

Thanks,

 

Frustrated father* *

[turnera]

Man, you should sell that to Hollywood!

 

What I see is 3 daughters who grew up to be drama queens just like their mother.

 

You aren't going to change that. You aren't going to teach Daughter #3 to stop being a spoiled brat; too late for that. That said, do NOT pay for her stuff. She may stay selfish the rest of her life, but if you make sure you don't pay for anything, she'll at least learn that she has to start being self-sufficient. If you don't take a hard stand on this, she'll be living in your house by year end and expecting you to support her AND her baby.

 

What you did - offering the job - was VERY admirable. I wish more parents would do this. So don't beat yourself up. Also don't let your wife guilt you into giving any of them any money, except for weddings and grandkids' college funds. You aren't helping them become self-respecting proud adults by giving them money. It's only accomplishments that helps us love ourselves.

 

As for the rest, just step back. Do NOT coddle your wife any more - hold her to as hard a line as any spouse of an addict should. SHE created this mess, and SHE has to find the resolve to fix it. Read up on tough love and be prepared to practice it - yes, even on your own wife.

 

Time to disengage from the daughters; they're charting their own paths, for good or bad, and you need to segue into your role as a distant parent who lets them make their own decisions. Again, given their histrionics tendencies, it's best just to stay out of them. Write Daughter #1 a letter letting her know how much she has hurt you, and mail it to her. She needs to hear it. Maybe it will help her learn to stop being so reactive. Mind you, I kind of understand, she was stuck in the middle of a BUNCH of arguing, crazy people she couldn't please and she just wanted it to end. BTDT. Personally, I have a feeling the marriage will be rocky, because her husband is going to be just like his parents, and probably bullies his way to get what he wants in bad times. But she's got to learn that on her own. I WOULD recommend that you send her a gift though, with the letter: the book His Needs Her Needs. Invaluable information for newlyweds.

 

So maybe take some time off to cool off, see how things are around Thanksgiving. Focus on getting your wife consistent real help, focus on your son and your own life. Disengage. You're doing fine.