Wife cheated over a year ago, I can't forget about it. *LONG*

[alwaysangry]

There has been tension every since she cheated, but over the last 3 weeks I've really been dwelling on it and it has made me noticeably more angry. I don't know why I've been thinking about it so much lately. We've had plenty of good sex, good times, laughs, kisses, professions of love since she cheated. But I guess I feel like many of the other guys here who just can't forget about it. I picture them together doing things and it just drives me CRAZY!

 

So here's my story...

 

Dated for 6 years, married for 5+. She comes from a 3 time divorced family. (Yeah maybe I should of known better then to get involved... 20/20) But she ALWAYS told me how devoted she was to me, to marriage, to family. She stressed how she would never cheat, never even thought about it, only wanted me. So I always thought we had the ultra-armored affair proof marriage no matter what happened. We have 2 children ages 5 and 3. (Yes we had a rushed wedding when we found out we were pregnant but we had already been dating for 6 years!)

 

When the kids came I left my job as a "low end" IT Contractor for more money as an OTR Truck Driver. (Yeah it sounds strange but that is the truth, lots of money in hauling freight if you know what your doing and can stand being away from home.) We both agreed that I would do this for a couple of years to get us a head start financially and then I would go back for training in something for computers.

 

After 3.5 years on the road we had had enough and it was starting to drain on us emotionally.

 

During a rough patch in January 2010 I told my wife that I didn't love her and was only staying with her because of our kids.

 

We both decided after that argument that I needed to get off the truck right away and get back home because we were growing apart. Before I could do this she needed to get a job so we could have income before I quit. With my help she found a great salaried job paying 35k/yr and all kinds of benefits.

 

Two months into her job she cheats on me. I was still on the truck at the time because we BOTH wanted to reap the rewards of a few more dual paychecks before I quit and went for some long-term IT Training.

 

I had called her that morning and she said she was just at the mall shopping and would be going home soon. I was totally oblivious to anything going on. Apparently she had been carrying on a flirtatious relationship with a guy from her work. They had made plans and met that day at the theater in the mall. According to her story he arrived an hour late. They sat next to each other. He initiated contact by touching her leg, rubbing her arm and holding her hand. She allowed all this and eventually his hand moved to between her legs, she was wearing jeans and he never went inside them she says. But he did put his arm around her and slide his hand into her shirt. She says then he moved her hand to the top of his pants. She rubbed him. Then she unzipped him and actually started jerking him off in the theater. (She's never even done that to me!) She says that at that point he said: "Let's get out of here..." and suddenly she grew a conscience and told him they should stop. They watched the rest of the movie (maybe 15-30 mins) then left separately.

 

When I found out I called the OM's wife. He denied EVERYTHING. (Later, his wife called me and said he finally admitted that he had indeed gone to the movie theater with her but still maintained that they had not even touched. Oh yeah, did I mention that his wife was 6-8 months pregnant at the time? Talk about two low-lifes!)

 

Sorry, I do realize that this isn't as bad as some people have been betrayed. But the thing is I can't really believe she's told me the whole story. She says she paid in cash for the tickets so I can't even verify she was really at the theater. She says they never kissed. I find this SO hard to believe... I mean he is sitting there with his arm around her one had in her shirt, the other rubbing her crotch and they aren't making out? She's giving him a hand job in the theater and their lips never touch? I'm calling BULL****. On top of this, if the tables were reversed and I had been carrying on a relationship for weeks, then met and got to third base in a theater there is a 99% chance I would be scoring. There is a 1% chance I would suddenly call the whole thing off. But she insists they separated at the theater, neither of them ever got off, they never kissed and that was it. WHAT THE **** AM I SUPPOSED TO MAKE OF THIS?? Here I am a year later and I still give her Hell from time to time because her story does not add up to me. How do two full grown adults do all that stuff and never kiss or have sex?

 

She eventually confessed this all to me one morning. It took a week to get the entire side of her story out, in bits and pieces. But it's been pretty much the same story since then.

 

Claims she is sorry, remorseful, wants me to stay, wants our family, loves me, loves our kids, would never do it again, etc etc blah blah. She cries and goes into breathing fits whenever I talk about separation or divorce. She is super attentive, does more then her share, constantly trying to prove she loves me.

 

BUT she is still working the same job. I did called her work and made sure everyone knew about it at her office. The office manager put them on completely different shifts... she works nights, he works days and they never overlap. At first I wanted her to quit right away, but she cried and said she didn't want to lose her good job. When they gave her a different shift I dropped it. But isn't that bull crap? If you cheated, and were remorseful, wouldn't your first step be to quit your job where the OM works?? I mean WTF.

 

Her main excuse is that one time when I said I didn't love her, that is why she cheated. That was 6 months before she cheated on me! And we had been doing GREAT since then. She also claims she THOUGHT I might be cheating on her.

 

I have NEVER cheated on my wife!! I don't even Facebook my old girlfriends!

 

Wow, I feel a lot better saying all this. I'm usually a loner and don't share feelings well. I also don't have ANY local friends I can talk to on a daily basis. I used to move around a lot and my friend making skills just sort of got lost along the way. This is a blessing and curse... I'm the kind of guy who works his job and comes straight home to his family. Not saying I'm the best father/husband in the world, but you can't say I don't spend quality time with my family. Don't have any guy friends to hang with at all so I can devote all my time to wife/kids. On the other hand, when this happened I had nobody to turn to at all. I keep these feelings inside and it's really good to get it all out sometimes.

 

I guess I still struggle every day with being angry at her. Every couple of months we argue about it... mostly me arguing, her crying and apologizing. Can't get the images out of my head of her wrapped up with this guy in a theater (where she's never even touched me sexually) and touching him and letting him touch her. Also can't come to grips with her story. I feel like she's leaving pieces out because she feels I can't handle them or would leave her if I knew the truth. Although she is adamant that she has told everything in full detail.

 

What a rant! Sorry for the length.

 

I guess I'm just dealing with anger here... wishing there was a magic forgiveness and memory erase button. Today I was listening to some music on my iPod and suddenly got sick to my stomach at several songs that were talking about breakups, heartache, sleeping-around... It doesn't matter if I'm listening to Dr Dre or The Eagles, a piece of me doesn't like music anymore. I found that very sad.

 

I just want to be a cloud sometimes... float on for awhile and dissolve.

[sadcalifornian]

A married woman does not suddenly jump into the intimacy level where she feels comfortable enough to jerk another guy in a theatre. There seems alot missing there. This must have been much more involved gradual dating and makeout sessions in between to get to that stage. I even suspect full intercourse occurred either before or after such event. Did you find out right after the theatre hookup?

 

If your telling her you do not love her anymore in a fight is what indeed instigated the whole event, then the possibility is that this guy had been hitting on her before that without her really responding to it. But, after the fight, she decided WTH to reciprocate his advance and start dating him time to time, had a series of makeouts and kisses, and had that theatre date, which you found out. So, she decided to make that theatre hookup as one time event and stick to the story. And, I suspect that she told him to admit to only the theatre incident.

 

For situation like this, I always advocate trying polygraph, but more often than not I get lukewarm response to it. I don't know why people have such aversion to this method. In a situation like yours where there are so many questions unanswered and the wife seems very willing to save the marriage, demanding polygraph may be the best approach to get the whole truth out of her.

[jnj express]

Its your sub-conscious your dealing with----and the thoughts as you are alone---at various times, thru the day and night

 

She is the trigger, so as long as you stay with her, it may never go away---its just goes with the territory

 

Maybe you can see an IC, to deal with the problem

 

Sounds like she is doing all the heavy lifting---you just have to decide if you want to stay in this new mge., for your old mge., is surely dead

 

Trust may or may not come back, You probably do not have the whole story---if you really want answers make her take a POLY

[nofool4u]

Her main excuse is that one time when I said I didn't love her, that is why she cheated.

 

although that was highly dumb of you to say that to her if you in fact didn't mean it, thats not WHY she cheated.

 

she cheated because she had the desire to already. she is just using your words as an excuse. and therefore trying to tell you, "hey, your fault I did what I did"

 

 

That was 6 months before she cheated on me! And we had been doing GREAT since then. She also claims she THOUGHT I might be cheating on her.

 

well now that she knows you didn't, or thinks now you didn't, I hope she feels like total crap.

 

 

I'm the kind of guy who works his job and comes straight home to his family.

 

and sadly, those are the guys that get cheated on. being a family man and making sure your family is taken care of isn't exciting enough. being an irresponsible cheating jerk IS exciting to women like your wife.

 

your wife deserves to be with a guy that will cheat and isn't always there for his family.

 

 

I guess I still struggle every day with being angry at her.

 

unfortunately, yes, you will. unless of course you get rid of her and get someone who won't make you angry.

 

 

I guess I'm just dealing with anger here... wishing there was a magic forgiveness and memory erase button.

 

well, there is never a magic erase button as you will NEVER forget.

 

there is a pain relief button, and its called a good divorce lawyer. (not that pain will be relieved immediately, but I guarantee you over time the pain will go away after divorce)

 

now it seems that you probably want to stay with her, so will the pain subside? a little. I think over time you simply won't think about it all the time. but when triggers happen, and they will happen, it will hurt as long as you are still with her.

 

the only thing you can do is let it out, or bottle it up when it happens.

 

 

Today I was listening to some music on my iPod and suddenly got sick to my stomach at several songs that were talking about breakups, heartache, sleeping-around... It doesn't matter if I'm listening to Dr Dre or The Eagles, a piece of me doesn't like music anymore. I found that very sad.

 

Listen to In My Darkest Hour by Megadeth:cool:

 

if she ever pisses you off, this will rile you up.

 

I just want to be a cloud sometimes... float on for awhile and dissolve.

 

you just need to work on YOU. do things that you enjoy, go work out or something. find a hobby that you like to do.

 

oh, and whatever happens, when your wife isn't at work, her rear needs to be home.

[drifter777]

She eventually confessed this all to me one morning. It took a week to get the entire side of her story out, in bits and pieces. But it's been pretty much the same story since then.

Just to clear this up, she confessed to the handjob in the theater or did she confess additional sexual encounters?

 

At any rate it is a very difficult story to believe, although I don't know your wife so it's tough for me to make the that call. That's your job.

 

I agree that IC could help you see your options more clearly and get to the bottom of the feelings this is triggering in you. For instance, you say you are angry but you never say that you are hurt or feel betrayed. Something else to consider as you search your feelings is whether you feel shame that you are staying with a women who could do this, and also ashamed of your wife for acting like a cheap slut.

 

You also say that you don't think this is as "bad" as other cases of cheating, but I would point out to you that the feelings her cheating has generated in you are likely the same as if you had undeniable proof that she was screwing the OM for months. It's just that you might feel more justified in your anger and hurt if it was a long term, sexual affair rather than (possibly) a groping session in a movie theater. I'm saying that cheating is cheating and whatever the amount of sexual contact can bring the same awful feelings for the BS (betrayed spouse).

 

You need to decide what will help you recover from her betrayal. Some examples I can think of would include simply kicking her out and filing for divorce or telling her you don't believe her story and you are leaving until she tells you the whole truth. These may sound extreme, but may be necessary to get the truth out of her. You really can't begin to heal and start reconciliation until you are satisfied she has told you everything. Women will go to their grave lying about their sexual activities unless they feel it is in their best interest to tell the truth. Threatening to leave and then following through should be the jolt she needs to finally come clean. Mind you, she will never reveal the whole truth but she will be scared enough to admit more of it.

 

At a minimum you really should demand that she quit her job IMMEDIATELY and have ZERO contact with the OM. Tell her you are leaving if she does not comply. It may take a few weeks, but she will find another job. Tell her if she is not willing to do this you see it as proof positive she is still messing around with this guy and walk out the door.

just want to be a cloud sometimes... float on for awhile and dissolve.

This is a red flag and I urge you to see a counselor as soon as possible. Suicide can seem like a solution when you feel as bad and helpless as you seem to feel right now. Remember that you are in a damaged state of mind and may not be thinking clearly. A counselor will help you get started on the action you need to take in order to begin to heal from this incident. As soon as you take control and start moving in the direction you believe is the right one you will feel better almost immediately. Taking action to help yourself is the key.

[SadDazedConfused]

While I don't believe you have heard the full, true story, I don't agree with the previous post that says they had to have had an ongoing courtship to get to the incident in the theater. In my situation, my H had two one night stands with different women. Given they didn't do it in a theater or at the ballpark, but they hooked up the first night that they met. There was no elaborate dating ritual or working up to it. It just happened.

 

With my situation as a married woman, I didn't have the elongated work up to sex either. I was drunk, the guy paid attention to me (I knew him from HS), and things got out of control. I finally came to my senses (somewhat like she did) and put a stop to it as well.

 

My point is that stuff happens, people make spur of the moment bad decisions. It doesn't have to be a long process. If your mind is in a bad place, it's realistic to believe that she would cross the line like that.

 

I know when I first confessed to my husband, I tried to minimize things to him to avoid making it worse. I lessened my participation (made myself seem more passive), minimized my enjoyment of it all (if I hadn't enjoyed it at the time, I wouldn't have been doing it), and just plain left out details to frost it over. I would guess she is doing the same. My husband was also very concerned with how intimate it was, wanting to know the more intimate details and concerned that I was leaving things out. I can't imagine she didn't kiss him in the theater, that sounds pretty unbelievable to me. I'd feel like a prostitute if some guy just wanted a handjob and to grope me.

[drifter777]

I know when I first confessed to my husband, I tried to minimize things to him to avoid making it worse. I lessened my participation (made myself seem more passive), minimized my enjoyment of it all (if I hadn't enjoyed it at the time, I wouldn't have been doing it), and just plain left out details to frost it over. I would guess she is doing the same. My husband was also very concerned with how intimate it was, wanting to know the more intimate details and concerned that I was leaving things out. I can't imagine she didn't kiss him in the theater, that sounds pretty unbelievable to me. I'd feel like a prostitute if some guy just wanted a handjob and to grope me.

 

alwaysangry: is this getting through to you? The visual images in your mind may be uglier and more disgusting than what actually happened, but you'll never know without getting her to open up.

[jnj express]

Hey Always---it doesn't really matter what they actually did---she went way beyond the bounds of what a married woman would do---she violated her vows, she destroyed your mge., she destroyed your family----and she sure as he*l, has poor judgement---to go into a movie theatre and do these things with another man in PUBLIC-----even if they did nothing but go to the movies, she is being seen out in public with her lover---she doesn't even care enuff to be DISCREET---she just let it happen, she said bring it on, who gives a crap about my H., and mge.

 

I promise you people around them saw what was going down, and if any of them knew her----your family reputation is shot---but then again they arn't gonna tell you---they will just look at you with pity in their eyes

 

You do need to do something about this---if it continues to eat at you--

 

-your wife knew what she was doing, and she needs to be accountable----and you need to take care of yourself, before you begin to have serious mental problems