Follow up question: Do people really back out of relationships because they're scared

[RatsAreCool]

Brief version--guy claims to really like me, acts like he really likes me, spends all his time with me, and still doesn't want to get into a relationship. "Relationships are all just a bunch of mind games" he says. "I wish I'd met you a few years from now when I was ready to settle down" he says. "Do you think we could wait for a few years?" he says.

 

We keep hanging out in spite of our obvious lack of connection in terms of what we want. He finally breaks it off because he "can't be my boyfriend right now" and he's "sure I'll make someone else very happy." But if he "had his life together better right now" he "wouldn't have broken it off." As I started to say something I thought I'd done wrong, he interrupted me and said "No, you didn't do anything wrong."

 

This guy does have some serious issues. He can't commit to a job or a plan on what he wants to do with his life, he still lives in the town where he graduated from college and hangs out with all the people going to the college (including me), he has no direction, and no really close relationships, not even friendships. He hates expressing his feelings for people and he hates talking about serious subjects. He doesn't even like listening to sad songs on the radio--he'll change them.

 

So should I believe what he said, or do you think he jsut stopped liking me? Granted we fought a lot and I know I annoyed him sometimes... but of course he also once referred to me as "the most perfect girl" he could ever imagine...

 

...but how do you break up with the most perfect girl you can imagine, you know?

[Rorschach64]

Yes it is a possibility, most evident with the GIGs issue.

 

I am assume you are posting multiple questions because of your situation, obviously scoff scoff , I am assume also you tried communicating with this person.

 

Look, best thing I can say is be like look bub! what the frick are you doing (in a nice way of course) you are confusing me and I would greatly appreciate straight up answers and not loopy logic.

 

Other than that I would NC and wait for a straight up non bread crumb answer.

[RatsAreCool]

Sorry, I've also recently been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, so I can't stop looking for confirmation about my feelings on the subject. It's part of the disorder, I constantly need reassurance, and it'll make me feel better for awhile, but then I'll get all weird again. I'm trying to get a handle on it. I've been doing better.

 

As of a week ago I'm no contact. Deleted him from my phone and everything. We had one last text conversation where I was getting mixed signals AGAIN. First he talks to me, then ignores me, then promises to call, then ignores my call and deletes my voicemail without listening to it, then the next day when I text and say "look you either want to talk to me or you don't" he says he's at work and keeps texting me, but won't call me and won't say he does or doesn't want to talk to me anymore.

 

I decided I didn't need that bullsh** and didn't really want to talk to him anymore anyway, so no contact is now no PROBLEM. (that's the secret--find that thing about your ex that drives you crazy and think only of that, and you won't miss them anymore! Haha).

 

I'm still just trying to understand it all. Hence the multiple posts. Sorry.

[Rorschach64]

Rat don't be sorry, I wasn't lashing out at you or anything, I was merely curious.

[RatsAreCool]

Haha, I've got a bit of a complex about it, I've been annoying my friends with my obsessing, which is why I turn here. At least you all can choose not to read my posts... lol.

[Rorschach64]

Sorry, I've also recently been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, so I can't stop looking for confirmation about my feelings on the subject. It's part of the disorder, I constantly need reassurance, and it'll make me feel better for awhile, but then I'll get all weird again. I'm trying to get a handle on it. I've been doing better.

 

As of a week ago I'm no contact. Deleted him from my phone and everything. We had one last text conversation where I was getting mixed signals AGAIN. First he talks to me, then ignores me, then promises to call, then ignores my call and deletes my voicemail without listening to it, then the next day when I text and say "look you either want to talk to me or you don't" he says he's at work and keeps texting me, but won't call me and won't say he does or doesn't want to talk to me anymore.

 

I decided I didn't need that bullsh** and didn't really want to talk to him anymore anyway, so no contact is now no PROBLEM. (that's the secret--find that thing about your ex that drives you crazy and think only of that, and you won't miss them anymore! Haha).

 

I'm still just trying to understand it all. Hence the multiple posts. Sorry.

 

 

Anyway, yes I am trying to the best of my crazy ability to help you

 

Good for you with the NC and demanding he just man up and tell you what his is all about right now but who broke up with who? Why?

 

Anyway, I am sure you are looking for why he is doing this so I will tell you I do not know because he sounds very wish washy and just annoying. I think if you NC after you tell him, hey you can contact me when you figure out what exactly you are doing and what you want, other wise I am not interested in talking to you. Simple

[carhill]

IME, people back away from intimacy if/when they're scared. Relationships, not so much. In fact, they're more likely to jump from relationship to relationship, perpetuating the honeymoon period and attendant feelings (in themselves) and leaving spent carcasses in their wake.

 

I gave a pretty concise opinion in your first thread on LS. It's not uncommon for people who have intimacy issues to have finely honed social skills which give the illusion on intimacy, to a point. Toss in easy on the eyes, nice smell and a little sex and there ya go.

[RatsAreCool]

He broke up with me. In a few of my old posts when I was still lovesick over him I went through all the boring details. It's extremely complicated, but I think this is the outline.

 

1) This guy likes to party, likes to make out with random people, doesn't like to be serious, graduated from a major university a year ago and still doesn't have a real job (even though he's a computer programmer and could easily get one) and doesn't know where he wants to go or what he wants to do. He's had one serious gf, in college. They were together for two years and had a crappy relationship, in which each tried to out-manipulate the other. She dumped him for another guy. He admitted to me once it tore him apart. Hence the reason he hates relationships so much and is so vocal about it.

 

2) Enter me. I'm a second year in college. I do not like to party. I do not like to hook up. I am extremely serious. I am graduating a year early from college.

 

3) He and I start hanging out. We were spending all our time together. It took him awhile to even make a move on me physically, although this is usually not a problem for him. We finally get around to having "the talk," and it comes down to this--he says he really likes me, has feelings for me, that I'm the most perfect girl he could ever imagine and he wishes he'd met me when he was ready to settle down, but he isn't. He asked if I'd be interested in an open relationship and I said NO. He wants to wait a few years to get together and I say it doesn't work like that.

 

4) We're still hanging out, although we continue to fight about the issue and almost break up once over it.

 

5) Again, he makes me angry and I'm this close to breaking it off, but decide to give him a second chance. He invites me over every night for a week and I think things are finally getting better. Then suddenly one day he comes home from work and breaks up with me, because he isn't getting enough sleep, can't be my boyfriend and keep his job, but we can still be friends and hang out and stuff (and I'm like NO it doesn't work that way). I ask if he still likes me and he says of course he does. When I push to keep the relationship, he takes it back. At one point I was looking up into his face and there were tears in his eyes, and he NEVER cries--like I said, he hates showing emotion.

 

6) A few days later I call and ask if he remembers saying he wished he'd met me a few years from now. At this point he's on this whole "I have to be a jerk so you won't think I want the relationship back" trip. He says he does remember. I ask if he still feels that way and he says "kind of." I ask if we might have a hcnace in the future and he says "maybe." He then says that if things were different he wouldn't have broken up with me without me asking about it.

 

I should add that it's not his style to lie to make people feel better. As you can see his usual method is to be blunt to the point of rudeness. So I don't think he would have said "maybe" if he didn't mean it and I think he may have meant more than "kind of" when he said it.

 

But it's just so weird. How do you dump the most perfect girl you could ever ask for?

 

Now of course I'm not arguing this was a healthy situation and I see the benefits to getting out of it. I'm just trying to understand is all. And of course he said a lot of other things but I'm at least making an effort to keep it short. haha.

 

No contact = no problem. :-)

[RatsAreCool]

Carhill--thanks. I think you're right. If anyone in the history of the universe had a fear of intimacy it's this guy, but I think he's so scared of it, he'll back away from anything even resembeling a relationship.

 

Sorry again for being obsessive. I really can't help it. I'm on meds! (Little joke. I mean it's true but I'm kidding. If that makes sense.)

[Rorschach64]

I am going to get mad at you Rat if you keep apologizing for not doing anything wrong Kidding of course

 

I honestly think you did everything right, so kudos to you!

 

Not to down play what he said about you being perfect and you being someone he could marry and all that fairy tale stuff, but I heard the same thing as my ex fiancee so casually broke up with me for no good reason.

 

Personally if someone says anything like that to me ever again I don't believe it unless proven through actions. Words are trival, forgettable, and meaningless.

 

Stay NC since you clearly already told him what the hell tell me what you are doing already.

[RatsAreCool]

Thank you for your help and for being patient. :-)

 

Does it sound crazy in this situation for me to believe that he did really like me and probably still does, but is just so messed up and scared of intimacy that he panicked?

[Rorschach64]

Thank you for your help and for being patient. :-)

 

Does it sound crazy in this situation for me to believe that he did really like me and probably still does, but is just so messed up and scared of intimacy that he panicked?

 

 

No problem Rat, I am just trying my bestest best to help from what I have learned here.

 

He maybe be exactly what you just described above, but what matters is this is NOT what you want is it? You want a relationship from him and I do not believe it is such a far fetched request from someone that thinks so highly of you, supposedly.

 

You cannot sit here and think "Oh maybe in time he will come around! He is just scared, I'll wait it out."

 

I did that with my ex-fiancee initially with the break up and it has been 4 months NC, never came around to saying anything me worth while except a second request for my address to send my stuff back to me, despite her being told to initally where she can send it.

[RatsAreCool]

Yeah, you're right. Initially I was in the whole wanting to wait around stage, but now I see that it wouldn't be worth it. Like I said, that last conversation broke a lot of the feelings I still had for this guy. I just wanted to make sure I had an accurate view of the situation. I feel like I do now.

 

Of course in a few weeks my anxiety might kick back in but for now I'm good.

 

Thank you very much for your help. You have been really great. If you need anything, advice or whatever, let me know. I'm not too experienced with relationships but I can still throw in my two cents!