Do people break up with those they still like/have feelings for?

September 30, 2011

I was just wondering if this was even a real thing or not. Everyone always says "If he really liked you he'd be in a relationship with you" but now I'm not sure it's that simple...

I mean I know if osmeone really loves you they probably stick around, but maybe even then they don't? I don't know but that's a scary thought.

(This guy claimed to have feelings for me but still didn't wanna get with me, details aren't necessary. He acted like he really did have feelings but if he did, how could he let me go?)

September 30, 2011

Yes, I think they do, because my ex dumped me but is constantly texting me, trying to see me, showing up at my house and cries EVERY time she sees me. So there must be some feelings there, but she still dumped me!

I honestly believe in a lot of cases the love isn't the problem, it's the attraction. Very often I read posts on this forum (where men especially) have been acting really unattractive in their relationships i.e. by being possessive, not being a challenge etc... and there ex leaves them but still wants to be their "friend."

So I think a relationship has a great chance of succeeding if both people remain attracted to each other. Problem is when we get too comfortable we often get lazy!!!

September 30, 2011

Thank you, your answer makes a lot of sense. In my case it wasn't a problem with how attracted he was to me. He's still obviously attracted to me at least physically--caught him staring at my butt when I went over to his place to get my stuff.

It's more that he didn't want a relationship, even from the beginning. It was one of those "everything but the title"-type of deals. He broke it off because he "can't be my boyfriend" right now and "that's basically what he was."

This is also coming from a guy who once said quote "Relationships are nothing but a bunch of mind games," so I guess if it is possible to really like someone and not want to be in a relationship with them, this has a strong chance of being that situation... haha.

September 30, 2011

Yes! I still have feelings for the last person I dated and I was the one that called it off because I felt he didnt want a commitment. i still like him very very much and sometimes i wonder if i made the right choice.

September 30, 2011

Exactly Dovic. This is how I totally felt with my ex. He became too comfortable and he stopped taking care of himself. I even told him to dress up the way he did when we were still dating so I could feel the excitement. I'm kind of fashionable and I used to like how he dressed up and all. This may sound really shallow but maintaining the attraction is really important. Then he told me, he doesn't care anymore if he's in the relationship already. I told him that he shouldn't stop making himself attractive. Even then, he became too comfy that I felt so ignored all the time. Though this isn't the major reason I broke it off yet it was the starting point where you start to lose interest with the person. His lack of cares in the relationship. For me, relationship is like a plant. You have to nurture it everyday. I do love him but the relationship became the source of stress and pain already that I have to detach myself to breathe while I'm still strong enough to walk away.

September 30, 2011

Absolutely.

I beat myself up for six months before finally breaking up with my last boyfriend, an abusive, irresponsible alcoholic. I loved him dearly (and still do in some way), but his love and desire for the bottle were stronger than his love and desire for a strong relationship.

I dreamt about him for almost two solid years after I ended the relationship, his family called a year later and asked if I would reconsider if he went through rehab (they were going to pay for it), and I heard he still laments me.

I will always regret that we couldn't make it work...

September 30, 2011

Absolutely.

I beat myself up for six months before finally breaking up with my last boyfriend, an abusive, irresponsible alcoholic. I loved him dearly (and still do in some way), but his love and desire for the bottle were stronger than his love and desire for a strong relationship.

I dreamt about him for almost two solid years after I ended the relationship, his family called a year later and asked if I would reconsider if he went through rehab (they were going to pay for it), and I heard he still laments me.

I will always regret that we couldn't make it work...

This. I also had to call things off with my ex-fiancee because of factors x,y, and z. I still think about her every day and I called off the engagement in January of this year. It sucks. People always use the saying, "if he/she loved you, they would be with you." People need to realize that that's not true, and it's a pretty black and white way of looking at things.

September 30, 2011

Definitely! I was the dumper in most of my relationships, including the two most serious relationships, including one where I was engaged. I still love them both, but because of problems that got to the point where the negatives in the relationships outweighed the positives, I decided I couldn't keep trying and struggling in a relationship that was so hard.

If you read my thread about my latest ex, you can see, I desperately wanted it to work with him, I even regretted breaking up with him pretty much the instant I did it. I spent a year trying to be "friends" with him when that's not what I wanted at all. Part of the major issue is he wouldn't make a commitment to me, so obviously "just being friends" didn't work too well. Sometimes circumstances and different personalities just don't work together even if you care a lot for the other person. Relationships do take work, but there is a certain point where it's just a struggle.

September 30, 2011

Ladies, if a man changed his ways and was willing to work towards a NEW relationship... would you do it? I wasn't that bad to my ex-gf but she seems to be moving on so fast (she dumped me)...

September 30, 2011

Ladies, if a man changed his ways and was willing to work towards a NEW relationship... would you do it? I wasn't that bad to my ex-gf but she seems to be moving on so fast (she dumped me)...

Yes, I would.

September 30, 2011

Ladies, if a man changed his ways and was willing to work towards a NEW relationship... would you do it?

I've been single 3 1/2 years so, at this point, probably not. I have heard that my Ex *did* go through rehab and it stuck exactly four months before he started drinking again.

So I made the right decision.

September 30, 2011

Ladies, if a man changed his ways and was willing to work towards a NEW relationship... would you do it? I wasn't that bad to my ex-gf but she seems to be moving on so fast (she dumped me)...

Anything is possible. I also believe mostly it comes down to the fact that people don't seem to have the intestinal fortitude to try to fix a relationship when issues arises, they just get up and leave.

This is mostly because of with exception of cheating and abuse, most of the time there is some one else in the picture affecting the dumper. Which directly casues them to just get up and leave, they blame everything on the other person and try walk away clean.

September 30, 2011

Thank you all very much for your responses, you've all been really helpful. This person has a lot of problems and fears of his own. He's only been in one previous relationship and it was so awful that three years later, he's STILL scared to get into a new relationship, haha.

I don't see any reason to think he was ever lying to me, but somewhere in the back of my mind I guess I really thought "if he liked you he'd be with you."

Then I started getting all psychological and thinking, OK, there's two motivators here. The first is wanting something that he likes. THe second is being afraid of getting hurt. It's just a struggle to see which overcomes which and in the end, fear won.

This is what everyone who knows the guy says happened, but I over-analyze. Haha.

September 30, 2011

Anything is possible. I also believe mostly it comes down to the fact that people don't seem to have the intestinal fortitude to try to fix a relationship when issues arises, they just get up and leave.

This is mostly because of with exception of cheating and abuse, most of the time there is some one else in the picture affecting the dumper. Which directly casues them to just get up and leave, they blame everything on the other person and try walk away clean.

I dated my now ex for almost a year and I know she still has feelings for me without a doubt.

I did'nt let myself go, wasn't a drunk, wanted a commitment, didn't cheat etc. and she left me for her ex. but didn't blame me for anything to walk away clean.

As above said there was "someone else " in the picture.

September 30, 2011

Anything is possible. I also believe mostly it comes down to the fact that people don't seem to have the intestinal fortitude to try to fix a relationship when issues arises, they just get up and leave.

This is mostly because of with exception of cheating and abuse, most of the time there is some one else in the picture affecting the dumper. Which directly causes them to just get up and leave, they blame everything on the other person and try walk away clean.

That is so true. I'm not sure what hurts most about my ex dumping me. Her quitting on me instead of trying to at least talk to me. Living a lie for almost a year, or the fact that she had her eye on someone else for who knows how long. But hey, at least I still have my dignity.

September 30, 2011

I dated my now ex for almost a year and I know she still has feelings for me without a doubt.

I did'nt let myself go, wasn't a drunk, wanted a commitment, didn't cheat etc. and she left me for her ex. but didn't blame me for anything to walk away clean.

As above said there was "someone else " in the picture.

There is no "someone else" when I decided to break it off. I just felt like the relationship is dying, going downhill. Before I'm going to fall into the dark pit of misery, I decided to pull myself up and walk away. I've been traumatized with breakups before where it took me more than two years to move on. I would locked myself up in my bedroom and refused to be seen for almost two years. Then, suddenly decided to travel yet everytime I came home, I found myself crying and wanting to die. Nevertheless, those experiences made me stronger now.

September 30, 2011

I believe im my ex-fiancee case, I extremely doubt she will come back 'cause of GIGs, she is narcissistic, and she is ego centric. It is better to just give up on the person that gave up believing in you.

September 30, 2011

I believe im my ex-fiancee case, I extremely doubt she will come back 'cause of GIGs, she is narcissistic, and she is ego centric. It is better to just give up on the person that gave up believing in you.

Indeed. Let them heal themselves first. They can never have a healthy relationship that way. A relationship suppose to bring us happiness, excitement and contentment in life, not a source of mental distress.

September 30, 2011

Yes, no matter what happens, who said x y z, etc. it is the only wise thing to do at that point is part ways, but if my ex returned she owes me an apology still for everything.

Edited September 30, 2011 by Rorschach64

September 30, 2011

Ladies, if a man changed his ways and was willing to work towards a NEW relationship... would you do it? I wasn't that bad to my ex-gf but she seems to be moving on so fast (she dumped me)...

It really depends..there are some obvious bad dealbreakers, cheating, abuse, etc. Lying would be one too where I'm not sure I could ever trust someone again.

If it was more of just small issues like communication, efforts, etc..then of course I would, I've been in that situation and gave it a chance. It didn't work out though (then again things were much more problematic than that but I still gave it a chance). You'd have to be serious about making a change and prove it with actions and not words.

I think it also depends on the other person, I'm one who will struggle and try my best to make things work, even when the other isn't make an effort. Some people will stay and fight forever and then there are those who are more prone to walk away when things get tough. I think most people fall on one end of the spectrum or the other, but ideally you would be kind of balanced between the two and really know your values and what you want.

Anyways, just some of my thoughts.

B

September 30, 2011

It really depends..there are some obvious bad dealbreakers, cheating, abuse, etc. Lying would be one too where I'm not sure I could ever trust someone again.

If it was more of just small issues like communication, efforts, etc..then of course I would, I've been in that situation and gave it a chance. It didn't work out though (then again things were much more problematic than that but I still gave it a chance). You'd have to be serious about making a change and prove it with actions and not words.

I think it also depends on the other person, I'm one who will struggle and try my best to make things work, even when the other isn't make an effort. Some people will stay and fight forever and then there are those who are more prone to walk away when things get tough. I think most people fall on one end of the spectrum or the other, but ideally you would be kind of balanced between the two and really know your values and what you want.

Anyways, just some of my thoughts.

B

Thanks for your words BLuvv. Our breakup was a buildup of small issues like the ones you mentioned. I did nothing horrible like cheat or anything... and she seems to be moving on like I did. All I ask for is for a second chance. I'm aware of where I went wrong and how I can be a better person. It just sucks knowing it's up to her... :\

September 30, 2011

Thanks for your words BLuvv. Our breakup was a buildup of small issues like the ones you mentioned. I did nothing horrible like cheat or anything... and she seems to be moving on like I did. All I ask for is for a second chance. I'm aware of where I went wrong and how I can be a better person. It just sucks knowing it's up to her... :\

Yes, I broke up with two people I still had feelings for because I realised the relationship had gotten to a state where it was not healthy for us to be romantically involved and I wasn't happy anymore. You can love someone and still know they aren't right for you and make the right decision, which is to end things.

September 30, 2011

I was just wondering if this was even a real thing or not. Everyone always says "If he really liked you he'd be in a relationship with you" but now I'm not sure it's that simple...

I mean I know if osmeone really loves you they probably stick around, but maybe even then they don't? I don't know but that's a scary thought.

(This guy claimed to have feelings for me but still didn't wanna get with me, details aren't necessary. He acted like he really did have feelings but if he did, how could he let me go?)

I think some people do realize that, even though they have feelings for someone, it won't work to be with them in the long term, so they let it go. My sister still loved her 2nd husband when they divorced. She realized the marriage was not going to work out for various reasons, so they divorced. They still loved each other very much though. I had strong feelings for boyfriends before I met my husband, but I realized they were not long term material, so I left them. Sometimes there's a deal breaker that arises during a relationship, but it doesn't prevent someone from having feelings for them, so when you realize it's time to break it off, you do it, but the feelings still linger.

September 30, 2011

Thanks for your words BLuvv. Our breakup was a buildup of small issues like the ones you mentioned. I did nothing horrible like cheat or anything... and she seems to be moving on like I did. All I ask for is for a second chance. I'm aware of where I went wrong and how I can be a better person. It just sucks knowing it's up to her... :\

Yeah, I've definitely been there where things start to get taken for granted and people get very comfortable. I've felt it and I'm sure I've done it. I think those things are fixable and not dealbreakers, as long as it hasn't gone on too long. It sounds like you really care and want to make things right. But it does take both people who are willing to try. Just make sure you're not trying your hardest for someone who has one foot out the door. I've been there, done that. In that case you would be better off with someone who is equally involved and wants to make it work as much as you do (I'm sitting here thinking how much I need to follow that advice too!

Best of luck to you.

B

September 30, 2011

Yes.

Like Carrie, I went through hell (3+ years) with an alcoholic. Finally broke away but still had feelings for a long while after.

Broke up with another guy because we were never going to be in the same place at the same time due to our age difference. That hurt.

I left one guy after 2 years that I had lost attraction to. I still cared, but not in a way that can sustain a relationship. He was my first real relationship and he was awesome... I just wasn't ready for marriage and he was (he is 7 years older than me). To this day he is the nicest man I have ever met. He got married and I am 100% happy for him.

Most recently I am the dumpee, and I believe the ex still had feelings when he left because it was so abrupt. He was angry at me for being honest with him and telling him he had to get a grip on his anger and treat me better (criticism is something his pride and ego cannot take). He said that I hurt him and he could not be in a relationship like that. I heard he was upset for a couple weeks, then I told mutual friends to stop telling me about him. It's been 3.5 months and he has a new woman... seems superficial and all for show, but I have no way of knowing that. All I know is that I am still here hurting and missing him

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Do people break up with those they still like/have feelings for?

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