zmark13 Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 My girlfriend and I have been dating for almost two years now. We talk about wanting to be together forever...our someday is what we call it. She is the most important thing in the world to me. I am playing baseball at Lake Michigan College while she attends school at MSU.The plan was for me to play baseball for two years than transfer to wahtever college wanted me so I can continue to play. It's almost a 2 hour drive and being apart from her I think is what is causing all of our problems, I think if we were together we would be as happy as ever. I'll be up front in saying that I'm a jealous person, well we both are but I am far worse. Going out to parties bothers the both of us but it definitely bothers me more. She likes to dress up and it bothers me that she will be out drinking looking amazing like she always does because I don't trust situations like that. I don't want other guys all over my girlfriend even thought I am 100 percent certain she would never cheat on me. I get angry about little stuff as well such as seeing a post on Facebook from a guy or an innocent picture on FB. I know that this is wrong of me and I want to change and not be that way but I have no idea how to go about doing that and I know if I don't change I will keep pushing her away and eventually lose her. Another thing that has come up recently is that she has kind of put other things first. Our someday is the most important thing to me and it used to be to her too but lately I get the feeling that that has changed for her. I will do whatever it takes to make her happy and get to our someday. She has things she wants to do before that such as go on Spring Break trips and she has new guy friends that she says she might want to keep and stay in touch with and that bothers me. That's not healthy for either of us and again I just don't know how to change the way I feel. I know these trips and what not would bother me because she will be staying over night with other guys but I can't tell her that I don't want her to go, that is not fair to her at all. But at the same time I know it would really bother her if I were to stay over night with other girls or be hanging out with other girls so I don't because I want her to be happy and when she does those things it makes me feel like she doesn't care how I feel and that it will make me mad and we will fight which hurts our relationship. Someday is not the most important thing to her anymore and when she told me that it killed me. I know I need to change or else this relationship will not work. I just feel like I am the only one willing to do anything. I told her I would go to MSU next year to be closer to her and stop playing baseball and everything but she said she wouldn't want me to because I love baseball and she wouldn't give up those things because it will hurt our relationship in the long run and we will end up regretting the things we gave up for eachother and end up resenting each other. I don't know what to do because I feel like I am the one making this so much worse but at the same time it kills me that this isn't the most important thing to her anymore and that she wouldn't do anything to make us work. If you have any tips for me as far as the jealousy thing goes and for our relationship please get back to me as soon as you can. I want to change and make this better as soon as I can before I lose the love of my life forever....
Viking Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 How old are you? How old is your GF? Your girlfriend should empathize with your position and put herself into your shoes when considering what she is doing and what it might do to your relationship. Before my GF and I got back I didn't really express much of my opinion as far as what she did and who she did it with. She treated me as though I was temporary-someone to pass the time with-perhaps to trade me in on a different model, rather than someone to look to the future with. We broke up and I said "good riddance!", but she came back. When she came back to me (I didn't pursue her AT ALL), I set some ground rules as far as how things were going to go. I told her that I was not comfortable with her hanging out with guys one-on-one. Tell your GF this. Tell her that it makes you uncomfortable because it is "telling" the guys she is hanging out with, that she is more or less "available". Especially the spring break trip. That is a HUGE no! She doesn't need to go on trips with other dudes, especially if she is the only girl. Don't stop her from making new friends, just set parameters for how they should hang out based on what makes you feel comfortable. To me, it sounds like your GF is the one who is changing and needs to change to keep you! You are doing (from the sounds of it) pretty much everything you can (short of showing up at her doorstep, enrolled at her school) to preserve what you have. She seems to be distancing herself, whether or not this is true remains to be seen though. The thing that would bother me would be all of the male attention she is getting, and that she is planning on spring break with a bunch of dudes (and she isn't even done with fall semester/quarter!!!!!!). Do you know if your spring breaks line up? What are your schedules like? Can you meet up every now and then for a date night, weekend or something? Surely there must be a way in which you could close the distance at least twice a month. You're only 3 hours from each other (if you travel the speed limit... ). Maybe trade who goes to which location every other time?
Author zmark13 Posted September 30, 2011 Author Posted September 30, 2011 My girlfriend and I are both 18. She doesn't have a car on campus so I drive there and she takes a bus down to see me whenever we have a free weekend. We made up a schedule to work around my baseball games and her goin to football games so we have that worked out. And I should clear up the spring break thing, it's not just a spring break trip with a bunch of guys, she is taking an alternative spring break so we can spend time together because our spring breaks are at the same time and I will be spending mine in Georgia with the baseball team (required). So alternative spring breaks consist of going on a trip with other people who did the same thing and some will be guys and some will be girls. Also it's not that she hangs out with guys a lot, she never used to but now she does even if it's a once in a while thing it still bugs the **** outta me. And there hasn't even been a one-on-one instance yet but I'm afraid there will be and I will not take to that kindly at all... I do feel like she has changed because like I said this used to be the thing she wanted most and now that's just not the case...or that's how it seems anyway. I just wish it was the way it was before when all she wanted and needed was to be together and have our someday...
tradewinds Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 Zmark13, My heart goes out to you. You are both young and will do a lot of changing. You want to remain her "everything." That's a great feeling. Jealousy can be a relationship killer (whether it warranted or not) . I would tell her how you feel and your concerns. Tell her that she's the most amazing thing in your life and you're just freaked out because you don't want to lose her. Ask her to help you feel better about it. If she can't or won't, there's not much else to do.
Viking Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 Wow, I would have guessed you were older based on how well you write... Like TradeWinds said, you both will do a LOT of changing. This is actually a good thing, as you both will mature, however, it might also make you grow apart. When I met my GF for the first time, she was 18 and I was 21...I've known her for 5 years. I was dating someone else and I didn't want to even think about dating my current GF because I felt that she was annoying and immature. However, over the three years of us knowing each other, dating other people, she matured and now is actually someone I don't want to live without. What I'm saying is, you both will grow up-a lot. Your GF is probably realizing that there are lots of things to do now that she is in college that don't really pertain/have much to do with marriage. I would (and don't freak out or worry too much), put marriage on the back burner for a bit. It is OK to want that some day, but she is not necessarily moving away from you per se, but not wanting to put an end to her new found freedom. There is still plenty of time to get married later. My ex-gf wanted to move back to her parent's town and get settled down when I was 22-23. I'm 26 now and I still feel unready to do that. Just explain to her why you might be worried, tell her that you trust her completely, and that sometimes what you worry about doesn't make sense, but you just do sometimes because you love her and value what you have more than anything else in the world. I hope things work out for you. This is a tough time, not only academically, but personally for you. Best of luck. What position do you play?
IntenseLover Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 zmark13 The advice here is incredible and I want to add to what Viking and tradewinds are saying. I was in a similar situation when I was 17 and my GF was 15. I joined the Army and kept in touch with her constantly... I saw her on leave 5 months later and everything was still in tact (She had just turned 16 and I turned 18, as our birthdays are only a day apart). However, when she turned 18 things changed as you have been told they will by the two people who have replied to you. I just want to give you something to think about. First go with your gut, then take the advice of Viking and tradewinds, but always leave a flexible thought in the back of your mind that there might come a point where you two will have to "take some time off" and reconnect later with a little more relationship maturity under your belts. A girl as young as your girlfriend is, even as she may behave beyond her years at times in the maturity department, feeds off of attention from multiple guy at the same time, so just keep in mind that things may change. That way you can have some sort of emotional cushion should anything change to the less desired. My two cents.
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