Christ1st Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 Let me first say thank you for taking time out to read my post. I've never been one to seek out the internet for my problems. I've always been a very private woman and never had an issue like this come up. Every problem I have dealt with I've always taken it before the Lord Jesus Christ. I will try to make this a short as possible, there are some details I need to add from our previous dealings with marriage counseling. I have not been intimate with my husband for some time now. There are several reason for me wanting to withdraw, one of them being his interest in things that I do not consider to be "normal" sex acts. I know he is cheating because I found a bill statement for Victoria's Secret. I've never owned anything from this store. There is a vehicle that he keeps at his father's house and in the trunk is a bag full of "toys" and another bag full of only panties. I found this out after he got into an accident and he needed his wallet and it was left in the other car. I ran out of gas getting to his dad's house so I drove the other vehicle. When I stopped by the house to grab an overnite bag and put it in the trunk I found the 2 secret bags. He won't confess and is refusing to talk to me about the bags. The bags have been tossed in the trash and I had that card cancelled. I've read some of his phone text messages and can't make out what is going on. This woman keeps addressing my husband as "stupid panty boy" or "white boy" or "stupid white boy" Every sentence he writes ends in ma'am, yes ma'am. None of the messages are sexual in nature. I am unsure if he is just role playing with someone or if he is participating in some form of sex game with another woman. When I confronted him he said he was just role playing. He knows this has upset me and is agreeing to go back to counseling. Divorce is not an option.
ShatteredReality Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 What are you looking for here? If divorce isn't an option and you cannot get him to confess - you don't have any real proof of what's going on. Instead you're going to drive yourself insane with wonder, endanger your health if you do become intimate with him again, and continue in a loveless marriage where he's continually unfaithful. Even in the bible there are exceptions to the rule. The ONLY allowance for divorce is infidelity. God says that he hates a divorcing, but he allows it in the circumstances of irreconcilable adultery. It's a defilement of the marriage bed. The things he has asked you to do that pushed you away from him in the bedroom - have you communicated openly with him about these things? For example, with your religious stance I imagine you're completely against anal - since that's sodomy. If he's asking you to do that, you can explain to him, surely, that you would damage your conscience if you did it. Would he be understanding of this and willing to try other things instead? Also, if he wasn't going to accept the scriptural reasoning for why you refuse, then how about the health reasons? That there is tearing each time, thus causing open wounds which can potentially become infected over time and reopening...damage to the muscular structure, causing leakage and the like? These are things not all people maybe experience to the full, but it's a danger many aren't willing to chance. Will he be honest in MC about his actions?
CarrieT Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 I've read some of his phone text messages and can't make out what is going on. This woman keeps addressing my husband as "stupid panty boy" or "white boy" or "stupid white boy" Every sentence he writes ends in ma'am, yes ma'am. None of the messages are sexual in nature. I am unsure if he is just role playing with someone or if he is participating in some form of sex game with another woman. When I confronted him he said he was just role playing. He knows this has upset me and is agreeing to go back to counseling. Divorce is not an option. Your husband is under the influence of an online Domme and despite what you think those messages ARE sexual in nature. You said as much by indicating that one of the bags in the trunk were filled with toys (we assume sex toys?). And being a "panty boy" is a submissive term used to subjugate another. It is obvious that he derives sexual pleasure from having a strong, dominant woman control him (this is why he is calling her "ma'am"). The fact that he is involved with these extensive sex games is probably why he can't confess it to you; he is ashamed of his desires in this realm and assumes you won't or can't understand it.
Author Christ1st Posted September 30, 2011 Author Posted September 30, 2011 (edited) Your husband is under the influence of an online Domme and despite what you think those messages ARE sexual in nature. You said as much by indicating that one of the bags in the trunk were filled with toys (we assume sex toys?). And being a "panty boy" is a submissive term used to subjugate another. It is obvious that he derives sexual pleasure from having a strong, dominant woman control him (this is why he is calling her "ma'am"). The fact that he is involved with these extensive sex games is probably why he can't confess it to you; he is ashamed of his desires in this realm and assumes you won't or can't understand it. Thank you for this information. I did a search on "online Domme" and this appears to be matching up with what is going on. I don't know how to take this information. I will not confront him with these findings till we attend counseling. The divorce is not an option statement I made is because of financial considerations. Me and my husband are broke. We have been totally dependent on his father for almost 9 yrs now (Healthsouth scandal). He has jobs on an off but because of the economy and his prior work history it is difficult to find and maintain steady employment. We have no assets. I have never worked. I have no college education and have a special needs child. Living in a loveless marriage is the least of my worries. I am more concerned with my children maintaining their level of comfort. But I can not deal with this level of disrespect. I also am not perfect. The lack of intimacy is due to both of our parts. I have demons I have dealt with all my life (drug addiction and ED) and he was down for a period after his accident. In all I believe we have not had relations since our last child was born in 2006. I had post partum depression and I was hospitalized in 2008 for my ED. This is when we first started counseling. Before 2006 he started taking interest in thinks such as urine, male penetration, and rape. I was ok with anal. The other things I was not! The bag of toys and panties was an issue I had in January when he had his accident. I found these text messages this month though. I do still desire my husband but these actions are unacceptable. He said he will not leave me because he does not believe in divorce and he does not want to be away from his children. Again I thank you for taking time out to hear me. I feel alot better getting this off of my chest. I'm not even sure about counseling anymore. I feel tired of talking to professionals. I've had to deal with them all my life (sickness, drugs, marriage, ED). I really just need some normal people to talk to. Edited September 30, 2011 by Christ1st
nyrias2 Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 Divorce is not an option. In that case he has all the power and there is nothing you can do but accept it. Particularly if he knows it ... if you at least threaten to leave, may be there is a chance. Dealing with infidelity is really about power. Who has the least desire to stay .. wins.
ShatteredReality Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 The divorce is not an option statement I made is because of financial considerations. Me and my husband are broke. We have been totally dependent on his father for almost 9 yrs now (Healthsouth scandal). He has jobs on an off but because of the economy and his prior work history it is difficult to find and maintain steady employment. We have no assets. I have never worked. I have no college education and have a special needs child. Living in a loveless marriage is the least of my worries. I am more concerned with my children maintaining their level of comfort. But I can not deal with this level of disrespect. I completely understand the financial situation you're in right now. Divorce is expensive - financially and emotionally. However, you might find you need to do SOMEthing to show you're not willing to be disrespected in this fashion. I also am not perfect. The lack of intimacy is due to both of our parts. I have demons I have dealt with all my life (drug addiction and ED) and he was down for a period after his accident. In all I believe we have not had relations since our last child was born in 2006. I had post partum depression and I was hospitalized in 2008 for my ED. This is when we first started counseling. Before 2006 he started taking interest in thinks such as urine, male penetration, and rape. I was ok with anal. The other things I was not! Nobody is perfect, C. I'm not, and plenty of others on here aren't. If you ever read my backstory you'll find I was the WS in my marriage. My husband was verbally and mentally abusive. We each have our vices. He fights depression, anxiety, and ADD. I have anxiety - Ok so the lists can go on and on. Part of working through these things together is accepting eachothers faults and working through them - together when we can, or supporting the other person through their journey when need be. However. Accepting abuse of any kind - and allowing a spouse to be continually unfaithful is allowing them to abuse you - that's not something we would be wise to let continue. I used anal as an example just because I know both sides of that argument fairly well - whatever it is you're not comfortable with - he should be able to accept that you have lines you have to draw. He would expect you not to cross certain lines with him if he needed you not to. The bag of toys and panties was an issue I had in January when he had his accident. I found these text messages this month though. I do still desire my husband but these actions are unacceptable. He said he will not leave me because he does not believe in divorce and he does not want to be away from his children. Again I thank you for taking time out to hear me. I feel alot better getting this off of my chest. I'm not even sure about counseling anymore. I feel tired of talking to professionals. I've had to deal with them all my life (sickness, drugs, marriage, ED). I really just need some normal people to talk to. Sometimes talking, getting it all out...helps more than nearly anything else. It's toxic to hold it all in and keep it hidden. You're in an incredibly difficult situation here - I hope for the best for you and I hope some of the folks on here are able to help you to at least feel better about yourself. One thing you have to strive to do is keep your self respect and love yourself - we cannot always control what others around us do, but if we can hold on to those things it can help us to be able to cope with it.
KathyM Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 Do the marriage counseling. He is obviously cheating in some form or another. Normally, I would suggest that you leave the marriage if there has been infidelity, but since you say divorce is not an option, then your only other option is MC. It looks like he is trying to get his needs met elsewhere, in part, because you are not willing to provide the type of sex he is interested in. You should reconsider that position you are taking about sex. If it's not something that involves other people or degradation, you should try to fulfill your husband's fantasies. Role playing is a fun type of sexual activity if it involves your spouse acting out a role that turns you on. Domination can be fun. If that's what turns your husband on, you should consider it. You should try to work out with a counselor what compromises you both can make to build a satisfying sex life together that will fulfill each of your needs. Of course, you'll have to set boundaries that sexual behavior with others outside the marriage cannot happen. Call the counselor, and then work on your marriage and sex life together. If divorce is not an option, then your choice is to rebuild and improve your marriage. A counselor will help you do that.
stillafool Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 I He won't confess and is refusing to talk to me about the bags. The bags have been tossed in the trash and I had that card cancelled. I've read some of his phone text messages and can't make out what is going on. This woman keeps addressing my husband as "stupid panty boy" or "white boy" or "stupid white boy" Every sentence he writes ends in ma'am, yes ma'am. None of the messages are sexual in nature. I am unsure if he is just role playing with someone or if he is participating in some form of sex game with another woman. When I confronted him he said he was just role playing. He knows this has upset me and is agreeing to go back to counseling. Divorce is not an option. Your husband is seeing a prostitute and he is more than likely a cross dresser. This is why you found a bag full of panties and toys. He probably wears them with the prostitute and she dominates him. Sorry but I guarantee this is what is going on.
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