mittk Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 So I met this girl on a dating site a few weeks ago, we've been on a few dates and told each other we're exclusive. For the past few days it's been a little quiet but she promised me everything was still ok. I have not logged onto the dating site where we met since we promised each other exclusivity, but today, out of curiosity, I quickly logged in and bam! there she is, with her icon saying online. Would you bring it up to her? Or should I just be quiet? I am sure she saw me online too, although I was tree for only perhaps 30 seconds. I dont want to appear too anal or clingy but I want to know whats going on. Should I bring it up or not?
oaks Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 In another thread you say you're not in a relationship. I don't think you can really dictate whether someone you're merely dating is logging in to a dating site. Do you want things to progress to a relationship, or keep the status quo?
Author mittk Posted September 29, 2011 Author Posted September 29, 2011 I do want it to progress to a relationship but she clearly stated she doesn't want it yet. So I take it I should keep quiet about it? Though we did promise each other exclusivity.
oaks Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 I do want it to progress to a relationship but she clearly stated she doesn't want it yet. So I take it I should keep quiet about it? Though we did promise each other exclusivity. I'm not sure. I don't think I understand this form of not-relationship. I thought I did, but you've confused me with the promise thing. I thought you had merely indicated that you weren't seeing anyone else, but you've promised not to see anyone else, so how is that not a relationship?
laotzu Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 I'm not sure. I don't think I understand this form of not-relationship. I thought I did, but you've confused me with the promise thing. I thought you had merely indicated that you weren't seeing anyone else, but you've promised not to see anyone else, so how is that not a relationship? I'm trying to do this right now, myself - but I'm not sure about it either. I think it basically means sexual exclusivity, but the ability to go on a date without it being cheating. I guess it's a pseudo relationship? Some of us are commitment-phobes, whether by nature or by conditioning. I don't want to have the moniker of "Relationship" hanging over me, currently, but I understand if someone wants sexual exclusivity, and I'm willing to give it out fairly quickly. In my case, I also don't care if they decide to leave me or sleep with someone else, as long as it's communicated. And I do like the other person, I just don't like them more than I don't want to be in a relationship.
carhill Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 1. In this dynamic, how is 'exclusivity' defined? 2. Was this clearly communicated and agreed to? 3. Did it cover dating profiles and/or logging into dating sites? In the past, I handled this area by stating how I felt, e.g. 'I only want to date you. How do you feel about that?' and went from there.
snug.bunny Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 I do want it to progress to a relationship but she clearly stated she doesn't want it yet. So I take it I should keep quiet about it? Though we did promise each other exclusivity. What reason did she relay to you for not wanting a relationship..."yet"? A relationship develops over time through shared experiences, communication, learning about each other and growing as a couple. But to throw a barrier out there by not being open to it, and stating as such, kind of puts a road block up. How do you see two people progressing beyond that? I guess just go with the flow and enjoy each other's company , spend time with one another, and see where it goes. But, if she is actively open to and pursuing other options after saying she wants to be exclusive and agreeing to it being what she wants (you), then she's full of it. It's up to you whether or not you want to call her out on it.
oaks Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 I'm trying to do this right now, myself - but I'm not sure about it either. I think it basically means sexual exclusivity, but the ability to go on a date without it being cheating. I guess it's a pseudo relationship? In mittk's case it probably doesn't mean sexual exclusivity because in another post he describes this non-relationship as being something in which they are "taking it slow". (So I'm still confused about what the relationship is.) Anyway, mittk, if it bothers you then bring it up with her. Of course, you were also on the site, so you'll have to explain that in a way that doesn't make you sound like a hypocrite when you talk to her.
Nexus One Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 (edited) She doesn't like you enough to stop dating others. I'd be through with her. If she's multi-dating and not telling you, then she's obscuring things too and that means she has "red flag" written all over her. She then doesn't even respect you enough to be transparent with you and that's not a good basis for a relationship. Edited September 30, 2011 by Nexus One
Author mittk Posted September 30, 2011 Author Posted September 30, 2011 I agree with some of these responses. It's hard to define our situation. "Exclusivity" was something we asked from one another after 3 or 4 dates, meaning we don't date other people and we did bring up not wanting the other to go on the dating site although we laughed about it as though it's "understood" we wouldn't go. Three or four dates later she brings up still us wanting to see each other but that's she's not ready for a relationship, preferring instead to "take it slow". I respected that and it works for me too. Since then we've cooled off a bit, but we've still been talking. I assumed, though, that the "exclusivity" thing was still on the cards although since the "taking it slow" discussion we haven't mentioned it. Now I saw her on the dating site earlier today. I logged out, and logged back in just now (a few hours later), and she is on there again. Meaning she is either clearly using it still, or is on just to spit me because she saw me online the first time. We haven't spoken since this morning, way before I saw her online. I really want to be relaxed and not put pressure on her by calling her out about the dating site (I respect the not wanting a relationship), but I also don't think it's fair that she is being quiet about cooling off without communicating any of this to me. I have no idea how to act while still being polite and not desperate.
Nexus One Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 (edited) I agree with some of these responses. It's hard to define our situation. "Exclusivity" was something we asked from one another after 3 or 4 dates, meaning we don't date other people and we did bring up not wanting the other to go on the dating site although we laughed about it as though it's "understood" we wouldn't go. Three or four dates later she brings up still us wanting to see each other but that's she's not ready for a relationship, preferring instead to "take it slow". I respected that and it works for me too. Since then we've cooled off a bit, but we've still been talking. I assumed, though, that the "exclusivity" thing was still on the cards although since the "taking it slow" discussion we haven't mentioned it. Now I saw her on the dating site earlier today. I logged out, and logged back in just now (a few hours later), and she is on there again. Meaning she is either clearly using it still, or is on just to spit me because she saw me online the first time. We haven't spoken since this morning, way before I saw her online. I really want to be relaxed and not put pressure on her by calling her out about the dating site (I respect the not wanting a relationship), but I also don't think it's fair that she is being quiet about cooling off without communicating any of this to me. I have no idea how to act while still being polite and not desperate. Act like a man, assert yourself and lay all the cards on the table. There's no other way. You have the right to clarity and transparency. You're not a toy that can simply be strung along. You could ask her if she's still looking on the dating website for someone better to come around. Perhaps she feels she might be settling with you and is still looking for better meat. Sounds harsh, but sometimes reality is harsh. You know what YOU want, you don't have to be dependent on her to tell you how it's going to be, you can set out your own path. Because if you're looking for an exclusive committed relationship, then a wishy washy girl girl is not good enough. Edited September 30, 2011 by Nexus One
Author mittk Posted September 30, 2011 Author Posted September 30, 2011 Yes, I feel that's what I should do. The only thing holding me back is appearing like a paranoid a**hole. Meaning, I feel that if I stay quiet I might still hold a chance of actually seeing her and trying to work whatever is going on out, but it I put her off by coming on like someone anal and paranoid, this might turn her off completely. I am positive she saw me, and that alone is not a good thing in and of itself. We usually text each other late at night (one text only), so I will wait and see what goes on tonight. If she's quiet, I will act tomorrow.
phineas Posted October 1, 2011 Posted October 1, 2011 I do want it to progress to a relationship but she clearly stated she doesn't want it yet. So I take it I should keep quiet about it? Though we did promise each other exclusivity. She's backburnering you. essentially she doesn't know if she wants to officially date you or not or someone else but she wants you to wait around while she figures it out (and dates other people) NEVER tell a woman you won't see other people if she isn't asking for a relationship on the spot. Especially if their online dating. It's a waste of time. They either want you or they don't. Trust me on this. Every woman I meet seems to be online dating these days / has half a dozen guys vying for their attention, but they act like their sitting at home alone at night with nothing to do 7 days a week. Yeah, I straight up tell them their full of crap. I tell them up front we can hang out but if they want more & want to be exclusive it's gonna take sex then I let them decide what they want while I still consider myself available & free to do what I want with whomever I want.
grkBoy Posted October 1, 2011 Posted October 1, 2011 mittk, I would agree with the ideas of "she's shopping around", but I also thought "she might be checking to make sure YOU are not shopping around". I'd CALMLY bring it up. Just tell her you saw her online a few times and you simply wonder if she really wants to be exclusive or not. If she says yes, or even brings up that she logged on to see you're on, then do it together...both of you go on and delete your accounts in front of one another, then move forward.
thatone Posted October 1, 2011 Posted October 1, 2011 I really want to be relaxed and not put pressure on her by calling her out about the dating site (I respect the not wanting a relationship), but I also don't think it's fair that she is being quiet about cooling off without communicating any of this to me. I have no idea how to act while still being polite and not desperate. this is what you have to get over. you let selfish people run over you, that's what they'll do. successful relationships are equal. equal is not her telling you "take it slow" while she dates 4 or 5 other people or whoever else comes along in the meantime. that's bullsh*t. "take it slow" is her terms, so YOUR terms along with that is there are no dates with anyone else in that time. and if she disagrees you turn your back and walk.
FitChick Posted October 1, 2011 Posted October 1, 2011 If you haven't agreed to be exclusive and not date others, you should be dating others as well. Do things on your own and let her wonder if you were alone or with someone. Sound like you are having fun without her and she'll want to join you.
january2011 Posted October 1, 2011 Posted October 1, 2011 Casually ask her if she still logs into the site. Mention that you are thinking about deleting your profile and ask her if she is going to keep her profile on there. Then gauge her response. She might say that she still logs in because there are some friends on there that she wants to keep in touch with. In which case, it's up to you to figure out if that explanation sits well with you or if you think these friends are really other romantic prospects. You can always just ask her directly if she's seeing other people and take it from there.
thatone Posted October 1, 2011 Posted October 1, 2011 If you haven't agreed to be exclusive and not date others, you should be dating others as well. Do things on your own and let her wonder if you were alone or with someone. Sound like you are having fun without her and she'll want to join you. try reading threads before replying. then your replies won't seem so generic, and be so wrong.
Author mittk Posted October 3, 2011 Author Posted October 3, 2011 We haven't met yet though we've been texting, very timidly. And she hasn't acted differently since I supposedly saw her online. I haven't brought it up but I also don't want to do it over text. It might very well be a matter of her talking to friends (as naive as believing in that possibility can be). We'll see.
Author mittk Posted October 3, 2011 Author Posted October 3, 2011 For anybody that cares, I got dumped. And it sucks.
oaks Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 Sorry to hear that. I guess now you know what she was doing online.
Author mittk Posted October 4, 2011 Author Posted October 4, 2011 I am still shocked by the way she handled it. A few days ago all was rosy - she was all into us ("can't wait to meet", "let's do this and that" kind of attitude), then, overnight, an unceremonius, out of the blue dump, of the kind "i have no interest in anything between us anymore, zero". WTF. She wouldn't even communicate this to me had I not brought it up. Sh*tty, and completely unexpectedly wtf.
CarrieT Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 Didn't you say that you two never actually met? You were doing this all via texting? That isn't a relationship; that is vetting and reconnaissance; you can't get that emotionally wrapped up in folks that you are connecting with via that process because you are instilling more in the words you are reading than the actual person. I'm sorry for your pain, but push to for a coffee date much earlier on to avoid these types of situations.
carhill Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 How does the OP 'been on a few dates' without pressing flesh? Is there some new technology I'm unaware of? Perhaps I presumed too much from the reading of the OP. If this was all virtual, fuggetabout it. Move on. Press flesh next time.
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