olderwiser Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 I know your all going to say booo hooo poor me but before you do I want you all to know I'm really hurting. 8 months ago I meet a 25 yr old and I fell head over heels for her. I'm 40's. I gave her anything and everything she wanted and was hell bent on helping her aspiring career. I pay for all her expenses and we see each other several times a week. We have an open relationship so we are allowed to see others but we agreed to tell each other if we did. A few nights ago I was suspicious and I did something so stupid I cant even believe it myself. I snuck into the house and caught her drinking with a guy at 5 in the morning. She caught me and we argued it was just a friend and im sure it was because the guy didnt even get involved at all and stayed out of it. Yesterday she decided that she need time to think about our relationship and she has disappeared for 24 hrs with no trace. I sincerely love her more then I have ever loved anyone else in my life and I feel like a total jerk and loser. Go ahead give it to me I can take it
Chi townD Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 okay...here we go! open relationship= no relationship. She was using you to get what she needed to start up in life. You helped her with everything to get started and she gave you what exactly? A little time...a little affection? I have a feeling that you're more emotionally invested in her than she is of you. I also speculate that YOU'RE the one that suggested an open relationship, just to keep her around. You need to let her go and you need to find a strong and independant woman. A woman that doesn't NEED to be with you be rather WANTS to be with you. Big difference. Don't be a cuckolded doormat. Time to heal and move on.
Mack05 Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 The redflags for me... 1) I gave her anything and everything she wanted and was hell bent on helping her aspiring career. I pay for all her expenses and we see each other several times a week. 2) We have an open relationship so we are allowed to see others but we agreed to tell each other if we did. This girl had the best of both worlds. She was getting all her expenses paid for and could sleep with anyone she wanted. It's sad to say, but she was using you. Drip Bleeding you dry until she had no more need or use for you. I don't think she ever viewed this as a long term thing. You bent over backwards to accomodate her and she took full advantage. There are plently of girls out there like her. You were a golden ticket buddy and you can be sure she told her friends about it the cushy relationship she was involved in. You got played. Look on it as a learning experience. In my eyes a true fullfilling relationship does not involve the words "open relationship" and it doesnt involve the man paying for everything..How about Compassion, Empathy, Trust, Honesty, Loyalty, Class, etc etc? Live and learn mate, live and learn
Lucio Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 What do u have to fight about if both of u agreed on the open relationship agreement? U can only be angry that she didn't inform u, but to her they r possibly just starting n not in the "seeing each other" state yet. So there u go, no case at all. This happens when u play with word games.
geegirl Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 I bet she suggested "open relationship" and you went along, against your better judgment and against your feelings because you thought that you could shower her with plenty enough that in time she would say "exclusive relationship". You're in your 40s. Excuse me but I am right where you are. She's at an age where her goals and wants in life are completely different from where you are. She up drinking at 5AM and can you seriously tell me you are up for that type of lifestyle or were you just so enamoured by the fact that you have yourself a young 25 year old? I can't imagine the two of you having much in common except for surface level needs and wants. You're a man in his 40s snooping and breaking in to check up on a girlfriend? You should be with a woman. A woman who has the same goals and life aspirations as you do. A woman who has the same values and principles as you do. She is still out to party and have fun. I believe you got caught up with an image rather than the reality. Yes, you love her but love is just not enough. You can't build a foundation from just love alone. Having an open relationship and drinking at 5AM with some random guy is hardly enough salt to get you past the honeymoon period.
Author olderwiser Posted September 29, 2011 Author Posted September 29, 2011 (edited) Well I knew this was coming and these are all very good responses thanks for the honesty. The crumby part is now I'm hurting badly for her and the truth is I love her for who she is and she is truly amazing woman even if she's only 25 I am still blown away by her personality and who she is as a person. I'm totally screwed Edited September 29, 2011 by olderwiser
Chi townD Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 Look, No one here is gonna tell you that what you felt for that girl wasn't real. We understand that you do have feelings for her and no one is gonna fault you for that. We just kinda have an outside perspective on what MIGHT be going on here. But, judging by your last post...you kinda had that feeling too.
Author olderwiser Posted September 29, 2011 Author Posted September 29, 2011 Look, No one here is gonna tell you that what you felt for that girl wasn't real. We understand that you do have feelings for her and no one is gonna fault you for that. We just kinda have an outside perspective on what MIGHT be going on here. But, judging by your last post...you kinda had that feeling too. Yes of course I did but it just sucks to face the reality of it ! I really came here to look for some advise and some help on how to move on and leave the pain behind.
geegirl Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 (edited) Well I knew this was coming and these are all very good responses thanks for the honesty. The crumby part is now I'm hurting badly for her and the truth is I love her for who she is and she is truly amazing woman even if she's only 25 I am still blown away by her personality and who she is as a person. I'm totally screwed I'm sure it hurts. Love is a risk. She maybe all these things to you but you have to also realize that she also has to give you the things you want in life and a partnership. She maybe a great person, with a great personality but other than that, will she be able to give you what you need, and that is security, emotional availability, trust, loyalty, unconditional love, etc. An open relationship is empty. It's meaningless. If she should come back, ask yourself what you really do want from her, aside from being blinded by your love. Express those needs and if she can't give you what you want, then as much as she is a cool girl, it doesn't make for a fulfilling and healthy relationship. As I said again, love is just not enough. It's difficult to face the reality but what are your choices? When you make bad choices based on emotions, there are repercussions. Breaking away is hard but to get past it you have to go through it. Edited September 29, 2011 by geegirl
Mack05 Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 Well I knew this was coming and these are all very good responses thanks for the honesty. The crumby part is now I'm hurting badly for her and it's so hard to move on with older women because I guess I'm just to superficial or something. The truth is I love her for who she is and she is truly amazing woman even if she's only 25 I am still blown away by her personality and who she is as a person. I'm totally screwed Dude you are blown away by the image of the woman, not the actual woman herself. What 'amazing woman' wants an open relationship and let's you pay for everything?Snap out of it man! These women are game players and they are VERY VERY good at what they do. She is a brilliant actress. If I was like you, low self esteem and bored with life in general. I'd fall for the act to. They have an amazing ability to make a man feel so special, while in the background getting everything they want. She is literally a wolf in sheeps clothing. The Ironic thing here is, your irrartional behaviour has probably saved you months/years of heartbreak and thousands and thousands of dollars. Although, I am actually expecting her to come back in a few weeks/months and you to lap it up like the doormat you are. Because you 'messed up' she will use this fact against you to probably extort you for more money/gifts and move the playing field even more in her favour. She will probably let you stew for awhile and come back with something like "You really hurt me, this can't happen again"..She will use the guilt card against you. Before you know it you are paying for an all expenses paid trip to Aruba (without her even asking for it), promising to never behave like you have again. Anything to have a bit of glam hanging off your arm. You are a classic middle age man. Going through some sort of mid life crisis. You are looking for a bit of glam to hang off the arm. Walk down the street, "hey everybody, she's with me". Instead you should be looking for a woman with a beautiful heart and a beautiful soul, not a woman with a nice rack who 'seemingly' wants to be with you, as long as you pay for everything and let her sleep with anyone she likes (she really is amazing ). You need to look for someone that you can share a REAL genuine relationship with. As Geegirl said, you should be looking for a woman you have ALOT more in common with. I'm sure you think you are different (the special one, the man that bucks all the trends), that we don't know her or who she is. The truth is, I know her better then you do. As the great Calibabe said.."If she's amazing, she won't be easy. If she's easy, she won't be amazing"..She aint amazing, she's just playing a middle age man that refuses to except reality like a violin..Those are the cold hard facts. Your just in denial in soooo many ways, you can't see the forest for the trees... Do me a favour when this 'cold bitch' (that is what she is) seriously screws you over in a few months/years come back and post here and tell us all we were right. Good man..
Author olderwiser Posted September 29, 2011 Author Posted September 29, 2011 (edited) Mak, I respect what your saying and I appreciate the tough love man but she is different I'm not some stupid 40 yr old that hasn't been around the block to a game player BUT there is some truth in your words about the fact we will never have that true love that I am really in need of unless of course she wants it to and by all her actions so far she doesn't. That's the reality that I am in denial about and have to somehow come to deal with. She is different and she is amazing on so many levels. My real question to you guys is whats my next move about moving on and stopping this torture and suffering. Edited September 29, 2011 by olderwiser
geegirl Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 My real question to you guys is whats my next move about moving on and stopping this torture and suffering. There is no shortcut to get over the torture and suffering, unfortunately. Like I said, the only way past it is through it. Losing someone you love is like a death in your life. You had hopes and dreams and now it's all for naught. It's a devastating blow. It's pain we've all gone through at some point but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It's not the end, but a beginning. You just don't see it right now. Grieve and purge it all out. Talk to your friends and family. Find support and comfort in their words. Come here and vent. Keep busy and try emerse yourself in activities. If you don't have a big circle of friends, go out and make some www.meetup.com. Get to the gym and start a workout plan. Find a cause that you love and find a new perspective in life by volunteering. Get some self help books and try to keep yourself motivated and feeling positive. The pain won't just go away. She's left a void in your life. You now have to fill that void with other things that fulfill you. No other way around it.
Chi townD Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 . Grieve and purge it all out. Talk to your friends and family. Find support and comfort in their words. Come here and vent. Keep busy and try emerse yourself in activities. If you don't have a big circle of friends, go out and make some www.meetup.com. Get to the gym and start a workout plan. Find a cause that you love and find a new perspective in life by volunteering. Get some self help books and try to keep yourself motivated and feeling positive. The pain won't just go away. She's left a void in your life. You now have to fill that void with other things that fulfill you. No other way around it. Totally agree....I would also include traveling. Take a mini vacation. Go out and get yourself in different surroundings. Take a friend with you. Visit somewhere you've always wanted to visit.
Chi townD Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 Also, she will contact you again....when the money starts running out and the bills need paying. THIS IS WHERE YOU NEED TO BE STRONG!!!! Ignore her.
geegirl Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 Also, she will contact you again....when the money starts running out and the bills need paying. THIS IS WHERE YOU NEED TO BE STRONG!!!! Ignore her. Yes, she will contact you again. Agree with Chi. Love is not enough, remember. There has to be more. If you jump in blindly again, you will get the same results. Go through temporary pain, or hang on to indefinite pain. Her reason to come back will not be the same as your reasons for wanting her back.
leoc1973 Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 My ex who is that age broke up with me a while back. I posted on here many times about how devistated cause she left me for a guy with money. We have talked a few times and she tells me that her and I will be back together some day bla bla bla but right now she is taking care of herself and carreer. She tells me about this older guy that takes care of her and he is really a great guy but she just doesn't feel it with him. My ex is very educated very beautiful very very charming. She says she feels bad but ya only live once and if some hearts have to be broken along the way then oh well the ends justifies the means. You sound like the other guy in my relationship or old relationship I should say. I don't blame the other guy in my relationship cause I know how devious my ex can be and trust me she had me fooled into thinking that we had a deep connection too. Please tell me this... do you live in NYC? cause that would be her!
Author olderwiser Posted September 29, 2011 Author Posted September 29, 2011 My ex who is that age broke up with me a while back. I posted on here many times about how devistated cause she left me for a guy with money. We have talked a few times and she tells me that her and I will be back together some day bla bla bla but right now she is taking care of herself and carreer. She tells me about this older guy that takes care of her and he is really a great guy but she just doesn't feel it with him. My ex is very educated very beautiful very very charming. She says she feels bad but ya only live once and if some hearts have to be broken along the way then oh well the ends justifies the means. You sound like the other guy in my relationship or old relationship I should say. I don't blame the other guy in my relationship cause I know how devious my ex can be and trust me she had me fooled into thinking that we had a deep connection too. Please tell me this... do you live in NYC? cause that would be her! Hahaha that's too funny ! I mean not really but if I was that guy that would be crazy. No I live in Canada.
Author olderwiser Posted September 29, 2011 Author Posted September 29, 2011 Also, she will contact you again....when the money starts running out and the bills need paying. THIS IS WHERE YOU NEED TO BE STRONG!!!! Ignore her. I texted her today that I know shes low on $$ and I can give her a loan but what she did by just disappearing for 24 hrs with no contact was very hurtful and I don't deserve to be treated like this and I need her to tell me when she can move out of the house I'm paying for. That was 10 hrs ago and she still has not responded !
Chi townD Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 I texted her today that I know shes low on $$ and I can give her a loan but what she did by just disappearing for 24 hrs with no contact was very hurtful and I don't deserve to be treated like this and I need her to tell me when she can move out of the house I'm paying for. That was 10 hrs ago and she still has not responded ! There ya go!!! Way to take back your life! She probably hasn't responded because she's out prowling for her next victim!
geegirl Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 I texted her today that I know shes low on $$ and I can give her a loan but what she did by just disappearing for 24 hrs with no contact was very hurtful and I don't deserve to be treated like this and I need her to tell me when she can move out of the house I'm paying for. That was 10 hrs ago and she still has not responded ! Why do I have this feeling that she's going to come running back knowing that she is going to be out of a free place to live? She had it made with you and by taking it all back, she may just charm her way back in. I hope you stick to your guns. You don't deserve to be treated this way after all you are doing for her, and even if she comes back, I would seriously question her intent as to whether it is genuine.
antz2411 Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 dood you got played! if you keep on going with this chick you will keep getting played. my suggestion is - cut your losses move on and instead of putting all your money on this chick start investing on a retirement fund. you are not getting any younger bro
leoc1973 Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 I think she will come back and turn on the tears and put something out there to turn it around on him she is gonna say we have an open relationship and you didn't trust me and I care for you so much on so many levels bla bla bla. the same way a lot of guys tell women anything they wanna hear to get in their pants some women tell a lot of guys what they wanna hear for the money! And the funny thing is we are all so convinced, I almost think they believe it themselves. I got a cousin(good looking guy) keeps telling all these girls how much he likes them they are the one and all that stuff. He even tells me yeah I found the one. then he gets some and on to the next. I think she probably even tells herself that she cares about you and gives you companionship so doesn't feel like she is using you. Cut her loose she will never have that "feeling" for you. If so she wouldn't want an open relationship cause even tho I am a guy I think when a woman loves a man truely she doesn't think about other men cause women are more emotional whereas a guy is more visual and can't help it that they look. lol yeah thats my escuse and I am sticking to it! My advice to you is that there are lots of gold diggers out there go bang them all if thats what they are gonna be all about!
Author olderwiser Posted October 1, 2011 Author Posted October 1, 2011 She finally texted me back yesterday. She is at a friends place sick and doesn't want to leave till she's feeling better. This situation is messed up on so many levels because the truth is I have never really caught her doing anything wrong to me that we haven't discussed and agreed to. I should have never allowed myself to fall so deeply in love with her and it's totally unlike me to do that, even when I have been in serious long term relationships in the past I never allowed myself to go this far. Love is a strange drug and I don't like it at all
Buttercup84 Posted October 1, 2011 Posted October 1, 2011 Mak, I respect what your saying and I appreciate the tough love man but she is different I'm not some stupid 40 yr old that hasn't been around the block to a game player BUT there is some truth in your words about the fact we will never have that true love that I am really in need of unless of course she wants it to and by all her actions so far she doesn't. That's the reality that I am in denial about and have to somehow come to deal with. She is different and she is amazing on so many levels. My real question to you guys is whats my next move about moving on and stopping this torture and suffering. No she is not amazing and different sorry . I thought that too of my emotionally abusive ex . I'm 27 and at 25 I did not behave like her . She sounds like a inmature brat . An amazing woman would never use someone like that , she would be independent and never take advantage of someone . Ignore her , don't contact her anymore . She thinks you are waiting around for her and she can just call you up when she needs something . She can go to hell .
Frank13 Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 She used you for the cash. You gave her anything and everything. Woman are like that. They will suck you dry for material things without any emotion behind it. You've been used, but you already knew that.
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