Luckless Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 (edited) I broke things off w/ my BF the other day over one issue, many have said I should throw him a second chance, so that's been on my mind. Now, here's the problem if I do take him back: We've been together for two years, in the beginning he told me he could not have another child (he has one) because a few years prior he got snipped snipped. That really didn't bother me since then I wasn't too sure if I wanted kids anyway. Fast forward to the past 6 months. Now I find myself thinking about it more and more. What if one day I will want a child? I would have wasted away my childbearing years. Say I'm still with him in 5 years, I'll be nearly 40. If I decide I want a family. I'd then have to go find another relationship and play that game all over again, and most likely have a difficult time conceiving. Or without being 100% sure what I want, do I just end it completely with him now? My family (mother/sister) know he's fixed. They probably just assume he'd get it reversed for me. I've never told them he doesn't want more. I know he does NOT want another child, he's made that clear. This includes adoption. Now if I decide to end it for good, how in the world do you go about this without a major fight. I really do love the guy, but I'm afraid of regrets later in life. Thanks a lot! ** I'm just thinking about this now because I was the first of my friends to get married (that didn't work out). Since they've all been married for the past 9yrs or so, ALL with at least two kids. I kinda feel like a failure. Edited September 29, 2011 by Luckless
Cee Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 I say break up with him right away. If you were totally in love with this man after 2 years, you could picture a happy, child-free future together. It sounds like there's not a future for the two of you. I want to point out that you have described your boyfriend in an insulting way - "fixed" "snipped." It's not a nice way to talk about someone you are supposed to love. You make it sound like he is inferior to you, rather than you being equals. I have a friend who has had a vasectomy and has a girlfriend who constantly vacillates with him. She wants children so she won't commit fully to him. It's stupid if you ask me. I'd take love over hypothetical children any day. But I don't have a maternal instinct so I don't really understand this topic well. But yeah, end it. He'll be hurt, but he'll know that it's for the best.
Author Luckless Posted September 29, 2011 Author Posted September 29, 2011 I use the term snipped not in an insulting way, it's just my sense of humor. He's used that term himself. When I met him he really didn't want a relationship, a month later he asked for a commitment. He never thought he'd want to remarry again, now he does want a marriage (eventually). I just don't want to possibly regret not having a family of my own. He's even said that if he originally met and married me instead of his ex (she's a $$ hungry b*tch) that we'd probably have 3-4 kids. Fact of the matter, the ex drug him through the courts for years over everything. He's an excellent father, never a deadbeat, has full custody now. He didn't want to have to do that again so he decided to get it done. His family told him that was a bad idea, but he never saw himself in another relationship so he jumped.
wolfess Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 I don't think it will work, he does;t want kids, don't add more people into an unstable relationship. Find someone who wants what you want 100% otherwise you'r potential child won't have a good home environment and that's not fair.
Lauriebell82 Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 He's even said that if he originally met and married me instead of his ex (she's a $$ hungry b*tch) that we'd probably have 3-4 kids. Fact of the matter, the ex drug him through the courts for years over everything. He's an excellent father, never a deadbeat, has full custody now. He didn't want to have to do that again so he decided to get it done. His family told him that was a bad idea, but he never saw himself in another relationship so he jumped. This is understandable. It appears that he isn't going to change his mind however, props to him though for being up front with you and not leading you on. Since you are the one who has changed your mind, I would agree that you need to break up with him for good if you want to have kids. There isn't a future for your relationship, as you want different things.
worlybear Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 Why do you want what your friends have? Are you not your own person? Sounds to me that you're scared of not having what they have achieved. Kids are a HUGE commitment and you need to consider very carefully the jmplications of family life on your partner, any existing children, previous family before making such a life changing decision and before looking at what you want. or get a dog.......
wolfess Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 Why do you want what your friends have? Are you not your own person? Sounds to me that you're scared of not having what they have achieved. Kids are a HUGE commitment and you need to consider very carefully the jmplications of family life on your partner, any existing children, previous family before making such a life changing decision and before looking at what you want. or get a dog....... I'll second this. We live in tough times, the economy is crap, cancer rates are soaring as water and air quality declines. It's not a world I personally would want to be brought into. There are 7 billion people here with us already competing for scarce resources, sure it seems ok now, but let's face it food is expensive, gas is expensive and with neither of the prices declining in the near future, who's to say in 20 years we won't have a food or water crisis? Is that really a life you want for your child? And even let's say magically everything gets better and you are 100% sure you can provide healthy food, water, and shelter for you child. Are you absolutely sure with every once of your body that you want a child? Pregnancy is dangerous women die every day from pregnancy and birth related causes, and no not just in the third world. There's a chance of developing diabetes and hypertension from pregnancy, would you resent your child for that? Are you willing to put your career goals on the back burner? Chances are you will want to stay home and raise your child and hubby won't, are you ok with doing all the housework, child care and hubby coming home telling you he's too tired from work to help. Is your relationship stable enough to provide a healthy environment? I don't want to seem like I'm criticizing you, but I know SO MANY people who just don't seem to grasp that they are adding another human to the world. Babies grow up, and pretty fast, they aren't cute and fun and magical, they're hard work and a lifetime of commitment, they will never go away and will always be a HUGE part of your life, and a huge part of your life is their's. Can you make that sacrifice happily? I don't think this relationship is going to work if you decide you're really committed to the idea of bearing children or better yet adopting (I'm adopting so I'm always going to plug in how amazing and wonderful it can be, I feel like my parents love me more than they would have loved a unchosen child). You know you. You know what's best for you, and you know who's best for you, but who's best for your hypothetical child?
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