safetyv Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 so long story short i spoke to my ex for the first time today (through txt) after a month of nc. (nc really does do a good job at reducing emotional attatchment btw) i am at a crossroad as i am the one who broke up with her. i dont want to have put her and myself through all of this and get back together only to break more hearts... but i definately want her to be a part of my life. so settling for friendship in the short term may be the best option, however i feel that i would get incredibly jealous if she were to find somebody else or start sleeping around. on top of that i dont know how things would be if i were the one to move onto something new. i do still have feelings for her but they are dying... slowly... what do i do?! i am so lost and confused. i want her in my life but i dont know what role i want her to play?
carhill Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 IMO, a friendship is possible when: a. Your emotions have reached a neutral state and normal activities in her life would elicit the same emotions as if she were a stranger. b. She (and you) act as real friends, sharing interests and mutual care and concern for health in each others lives. You don't 'settle' for friendship; friendship is the highest and best relationship you will ever have with her, if you truly wish to be friends. Anything else is lying to yourself, and to her, and is unhealthy.
Anna84 Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 Sorry for the irrelevance and short post, but may I ask how long you guys were together for?
carhill Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 That question is answered in the OP's backstory "i broke up with my girlfriend of 1.5years about 3 months ago. for the first month and a half of the breakup we kept having sex but then she said we had to stop because it was hurting her. i asked her if she wanted to get back together and she said no."
Author safetyv Posted October 1, 2011 Author Posted October 1, 2011 This is the hard part for me. On one hand I feel like I'm closer to being able to move on than ever before... But on the other I feel like I'm closer to being able to get her back... My head says move on but my heart says fight. What do I do?
TheDovic Posted October 1, 2011 Posted October 1, 2011 Only if you don't want your ex back! Otherwise you're going to experience a lot of intense emotions i.e. getting your hopes up, then crushed, then you have to see them with someone else etc...
EgoJoe Posted October 1, 2011 Posted October 1, 2011 You could be her friend and make it out of the friend-zone back to a relationship but that is a hard road and easy to ****up, filled with alot of pain etc. Go no contact to get your mind right. She'll miss you given enough time or both of you will move on. Either way you will feel better than being a sycophantic friend desperate for crumbs.
Nsweet Posted October 1, 2011 Posted October 1, 2011 Stop mysticising the "friend zone" as some strange stage you are locked into. All the "friend zone" or "let's just be friends zone" really means that she has lost attraction for you and quite possible comfort, and does not see herself having sex with you because you are beneith her, get it now? You can get out of this stage by reinventing yourself but don't expect to pick things up where you left off before. That classic rookie mistake will get you absolutely nowhere fast. Instead you must leave, as in a time of NC and reinvent yourself working on among other things your personality flaws and bad habits, and some physical things like losing weight but only if those will increase your self esteem. When you do contact her again you will be first working to erase the negative image of you in her mind. This is not a good time to come onto her activily for any reason. Instead I suggest beginning slowly with absolutely no pressure to take you back. You make sure each time you talk to her that she feels better about you which often requires that you wait to talk to her until after you've had a few good laughs and can infect her with your winning personality. Later on after you have built up the comfort of a few weekly high value convorsations or meetings you can build trust by telling her a secret about her. Something like, "you know my sister is jealous of you". People love finding secrets out especially when it's about them and this can even be a lie because it's just an example. You can find plenty of other ways to do this on your own or you may find this comes with time. Once you have both attraction and comfort you will know when she starts confining in you information she would only tell a close friend. Bingo! But where to start. Most crappy ebooks online advise you that women need to be actively chased in order to win them over. This is simply not true. At the same time you do not want to try to pull her in by buying her off or being too overly romantic. No, this poster has a better idea. Think of any general romantic comedy where the female realizes her current bf is all wrong for her and comes running back to her best friend or ex. Don't they always play a lot of flashbacks where they two laugh and share food, drinks, and good times. That's basically it! Once you remove all pressure to kiss her or win her over, You'll succeed by avoiding her hot buttons and instead build up attraction again by teasing her just a little and pulling back when you could go in for a sexual compliment or physical touch. Simply brushing her hair from her lips and smiling with a little eye contact can be all it takes so long as you push back by changing the convorsation or action. When you can kiss her all depends on how much attraction and comfort you have built up. Back when I was in my playboy days I used to spend a few extra seconds just keeping eye contact when talking to her. Then once I got to the point whe she would linger waiting for me to make or break I would telll her how she was different or special. Basically tell her something from the heart she wanted me to say when she would let me closer into her comfort zone. Even something so simple as the act of grooming where you help wipe away a crumb off of her lip would be a good green light to go so long as you didnt pressure her to kiss you or else. This is just a few helpful tips to het her thinking about you and more attracted to the new calmer you. This isn't a get laid guid by any means and shouldn't be used as such. In fact I would advise against sleeping together for a few dates or even months until she decides to in the first place. You absolutely do not want to erase months work of progress by trying to bed her.
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