Daremo_06 Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 Some of the things I have been advised to do is go low contact and be minimally available to my ex for a while and I am trying to do this. Ideally, I want to go low contact for the next 6 weeks because we are suppose to be going on a trip together for a few days. During the next 6 weeks I hope to achive some clarity and balance for myself so that *I* am well on my way to becoming that healthy whole person I was before everything collapsed. I also hope (and this is probably the more unhealthy part) that it will generate some interest on her part. Saw ex on Monday, we went running together. She had reminded me earlier in the day via email that there was a wine tasting we were going to go to on Sat. She also reached out to a couple that is mutual friends and said her and I were friends currently and if they wanted to do something either Friday or Sat night. The couple hasn't responded yet as to plans, but I did talk to one of them last night and I know the only night they might do something is Sat night. I am trying to put some space between us and I already have made plans with a friend for Friday night, so I am safe there. Sat night I don't have plans yet with anyone so I am going to try to put some plans together with someone other than the ex and tell her that I can't do anything if she ends up telling me the couple responded back. My dilemma is the wine tasting itself. I am considering telling her I can't make it and try to have something else planned to do. Or I could do the wine tasting and have plans afterwards with other people. Thoughts?
TheDovic Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 Hey Daremo I personally agree with LC, then acting attractive the odd time when you see her. As for the wine tasting, make an excuse to get out of it. She is starting to see you as a friend, and once your in the friend zone it's almost impossible to get out. Go to the wine tasting if you want but prepare yourself for her being gone forever! Remember, one evening of pain for yourself could kickstart some attraction for you again
BeenHereBefore Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 Get out of the wine tasting. Don't try to make anything up, or give her a reason, just say something else came up. Let her miss you. I am going through the same "Give her space" thing, and I know it drives you crazy, and all you really want IS to spend time with her. I hope (for you and I) this is short term pain for long term gain.
Author Daremo_06 Posted September 29, 2011 Author Posted September 29, 2011 I was kinda expecting that advice. Was thinking of waiting till tomorrow and then telling her I can't make it.... or should I just do it now?
Author Daremo_06 Posted September 29, 2011 Author Posted September 29, 2011 To further complicate things, the ex texted me a little while ago asking how I was doing. I said i was doing great! She then asked me if i wanted to come over for a glass of wine tonight on the patio. I thought about it and then texted back "not sure, I have spin from 630 to 730." figuring that that would be too late as she goes to bed pretty early. Instead she says "I wont be home till 830. Have fun at spin." Sigh. So I said "thanks! text me when you get in." and I figured I could bail then. While thinking about this, she then texts me about tomorrow night and us going out with a couple we are mutual friends with. I want to change the dynamic from me chasing her to her chasing me. Not sure if I should go by tonight and then skip tomorrow night and sat or a different combo or all three. I am off to the gym but I'll be back and love to see what you all suggest Thanks everyone in advance!
BeenHereBefore Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 Well, it sounds a little like she is pursuing you...just don't be so easy in your responses I am dealing with an ex still in contact, and I would have not replied past "I won't be home til 8:30, have fun at spin." Then when you don't reply she is thinking you met some cute girl at spin class and went for a coffee after!? Who cares that you're sitting at home thinking about her! Even Al Turtle suggests being minimally available. Get out of the plans this weekend. Worst case you're still single come Monday, right?
TheDovic Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 I don't think she is pursuing you! My definition of pursuing is having to chase, but all she's doing is clicking her fingers and you come running. I promise you she's not attracted to this! You don't have to be nasty btw, just when she asks you to call round always have an excuse not to, but say "maybe some other time." Then it's on your terms! You're busy, you don't NEED her and you're having fun. This is so much more attractive dude. Honestly you can keep going with your gut or you can put down firm boundaries. If you keep going with your gut this will end bad. I've only been on the site two and a half months but I've seen this same story 100 times and am yet to see a happy ending!
Author Daremo_06 Posted September 29, 2011 Author Posted September 29, 2011 I agree with Dovic about her not pursuing. Though, she did text me again before spin was over saying she blew off her class cause it was raining and she had a headache and I was welcome to come over. I do have to work on my tendency to give too much information. I do that a lot and I need to learn to be more mysterious. I have been friends with her between our two previous relationships, so its not like we haven't been here before and she isn't close to many people. I think I am going to head down there tonight, be casual and then be busy for the weekend.
TheDovic Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 I agree with Dovic about her not pursuing. Though, she did text me again before spin was over saying she blew off her class cause it was raining and she had a headache and I was welcome to come over. I do have to work on my tendency to give too much information. I do that a lot and I need to learn to be more mysterious. I have been friends with her between our two previous relationships, so its not like we haven't been here before and she isn't close to many people. I think I am going to head down there tonight, be casual and then be busy for the weekend. See that's cool, just don't be available ALL of the time. AND always have something going on... even if you don't, the odd white lie never hurt anyone. Good luck tonight buddy. Let us know how you get on
Author Daremo_06 Posted September 30, 2011 Author Posted September 30, 2011 I'll update when I get home in a little while.... Thanks for the support and hang in there yourself! I'm taking tomorrow off so I'll be keeping a close eye on the forums if you need to check in at all.
TheDovic Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 I'll update when I get home in a little while.... Thanks for the support and hang in there yourself! I'm taking tomorrow off so I'll be keeping a close eye on the forums if you need to check in at all. Cheers buddy, have fun!
Author Daremo_06 Posted September 30, 2011 Author Posted September 30, 2011 OMG! *pinches self* yep I'm awake. This stuff works! So gist of the story is, I got over there and she was having some wine. She asked how I had been and I said good. Been really busy working on things around the house, working on myself. Then she asked if I was going to go with her tomorrow night and I said I didnt know just yet as I was suppose to go out with this girl that I had known for a while (she is like a little sister to me and she has done alot of this kind of program work so she is well aware of what is going) out to some club dancing for a party for her sister. Now this friend of mine has a boyfriend, but my ex got this really sad look in her eyes and asked me if I was ready to move on. I looked at her and thought about my options. I considered saying yes, but I decided to be honest and told her no. She clearly was upset though, so i walked around the table and gave her a hug, and we sat back down and talked more. Then moved to the couch and talked even more. Gist of the story.. I told her about some of the stuff I had read said that in situations like this, you had to let the old relationship die because you dont want the old relationship back, it imploded. You want a new relationship. She said she didn't think she was ready yet and I told her I would wait. ( I know your all yelling at your computer saying NO NO NO, but I KNOW this girl and this was safe for me to say). I then asked if I could take her out to dinner on Sat and she said yes, and I then said as a date and she said yes. We talked a bunch more..about the things I had learned, about the work I have been doing on me and the reading I have been doing. I told her about the book "Why cant you read my mind" and how I want to go through the exercises with her. She agreed. She talked about how she had seen how hard I had been working on myself. The night ended her asking me to tuck her into bed, so I spent 20 minutes laying with her, kissed her goodbye and went home. What worked for me was going in confident about myself. I wasn't moping, I wasn't looking to fix anything when I went over there at first. I was just hanging out having a glass of wine with a friend. I never would have been able to go over without moping if it had not been for all the things I read here. Does this mean I am all set, home free? No, her and I still have a ton of work to do, but I know that we can work on things together, take our time and figure it out. Hang in there guys and girls, miracles do happen...
TheDovic Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 You're a good guy Daremo and I hope this works out for you. Let us know sure cos it's nice to see the odd success story
Author Daremo_06 Posted October 3, 2011 Author Posted October 3, 2011 So here is the update on things since Thursday night. I took the day off from work and did things around the house till around 4 when she got home from work. Met her at her place and we went running together, then showered and changed and went out to dinner. Dinner was fun, kept it light and fun and casual, just like when we were 1st dating. She looked so good too, had put on some 5" heels that just blew my mind. We had the same routine at the end of the nigh, me tucking her into bed and laying with her for a little while and giving her a kiss good night. During dinner we talked about spin class and she teaches, so I wanted to come try her class (last time I did that, i ended up in PT for 3 months heh but that was 3 years ago). I went to her class and then I figured I wouldn't see her till the afternoon because she was going to go get a dress for a wedding she is going to next week. We had talked about it the night before and she was just going to run out alone and get a dress. Well, after running she said go get showered and ill change here and then we can go shopping. I was like.. ok! And we spent 3-4 hours shopping. Mostly for her, but it was a lot of fun as I don't mind doing that stuff with her and most of the stuff she gets looks damn good on her and I certainly don't mind that! We then went to the wine tasting and finally to dinner to a restaurant we had not been to since we had gotten back together in 2010. During dinner she told me she wanted to date me exclusively, but did not want to jump full bore into everything. She just wanted things to be fun, enjoyable, like it had been during the day and the night before. She also said she isn't ready yet to work on her issues about her father and also isn't ready to work hardcore on the relationship stuff. I said that's fine, when she is ready and I also said I will not bring up the couples work I have been reading up on, I will leave that up to her to do first. She was fine with that. The rest of the night was great. Today, we went running again in the morning, then had breakfast. Went back to our separate places to do some chores around our houses, but got back together around 4. We made dinner for her aunt and her aunt's boyfriend, which turned out great. Saying goodnight to me, she initiated contact, she is starting to feel things again that I can plainly see. Spending this much time with her talking about lots of things, I am noticing things I did not notice before about her. If I bring up a subject and she doesn't have anything to say about it right then, she will think about it, and then bring it up a day or few days later. She has done this a couple times over the past few days. It feels like we re-wound everything back to when we first fell for each other which is awesome. I am letting things go at their own pace and not worrying about it. I wont see her tomorrow, but I will probably see her tues or wed night briefly. She said she would text me in the morning and I am fine with that. So those of you advising hard core NC, its not always the right move. Sometimes low contact works as well. The one thing I definitely think worked was being fearless when I went to see her Thursday night. I had made up my mind I was not going to be scared of things not working out and that I was going to go out and have fun this weekend. That is what changed the dynamic of things.
ChelleBelle Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 Hello Rob, I am pleased that she is chasing you and making some of the moves but I am going to be honest here, and you are still initiating most of the moves and she is not chasing you enough. She maybe using you as a security blanket. I fully agree with keeping things low contact but you still have to play the game and not be there for her all the time. Remember that 'Actions speak louder than Words'. Don't end up in a BTN relationship with her. Be cool, be dynamic, be friendly but aloof. We don't have this 'exclusivity situation' here in the UK. I think it is hilarious how you have to a discussion about being 'exclusive'. Especially if you have been living with the person. You are either in a relationship with a chap or not. You are either generally dating or not. If you are sleeping with someone or emotionally involved then you should be in an exclusive relationship. If my X had told me he wanted to think about going 'exclusive' with me, I would have had my feet out of his appartment and down the street faster than the road runner. It implies that he would consider dating someone else, other than me when we are trying to work things out during the process. What an insult. She is still pushing your buttons Rob, keep up the good work and be super cool and keep control of the situation. the result will be worth it in the end.
Recommended Posts