mv6458 Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 Ok so for an entire year now my H has been spending alot of time and energy with a coworker. I still refer to it as an EA (only because I cannot prove a PA.) However I am not 100% sure it hasn't been a PA. Either way it has caused alot of problems between us. Mainly because after I discovered this relationship he has not done much to try and reconcile. So I have finally come to terms with the fact our marriage is over (after 15 years.) I tried to talk to him calmly the other day about the situation and he became very angry and told me that he will not be controlled by me. He doesn't want to allow transparency and he doesn't want to be questionned about what he does or where he goes, etc. And I replied with ok well then we can't ever work things out. After I said that he tells me he hates me and wants a divorce. (I filed that day!) But I really believe he has fallen in love with his A partner and that is why he can't commit to saving our marriage. Now the biggest issue I have is why he couldn't just be a man and tell me his feelings for her so I could move on. Why keep stringing me along for a year?
beyondsad Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 Sorry your going thru this. He doesn"t seem like a very nice guy to not recognize how bad he hurt you. Seperating and or divorce will be an eye-opener for him. Hope things get better soon.
Frank13 Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 Now the biggest issue I have is why he couldn't just be a man and tell me his feelings for her so I could move on. Why keep stringing me along for a year? You might be his backup plan. If she doesn't work out, he will have you to fall back on.
stillafool Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 I agree 100% with Older and Wiser. If he had wanted to reconcile he would have done everything possible to get back together. He more than likely is spending time with the OW. I think you did the right thing to file on him.
carhill Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 If it's been a year, it's entirely possible he's 'in love' with her. For most men, 'in love' is a function of sharing emotions through sex so, in this case, if he is indeed 'in love', it's overwhelmingly likely they've had a sexual relationship. Here's something to watch for....if he's very amicable about the D process and just wants to get it done, he's likely emotionally detached from you and his attentions are elsewhere. If so, don't get greedy but definitely use this to your advantage. Sell a good deal for yourself in a business-like manner. Time will reveal all truths. Filing for divorce is a long way from being divorced. If H isn't normally a manipulator, his expressions of 'hate' for you indicate to me that he's still emotionally engaged on some level. His response to your divorce filing will indicate the tone and depth of that engagement. There is work in separating his 'hate' for the process of divorce and his hate for you. They're different. It's a different kind of anger and hurt. Time should bring those answers. For now, you've chosen a path. Stick with it. Good luck
bigmomma1974 Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 my heart goes out to you what an ass he seems to be. Take this time to heal and make sure you go to counsling so you can have some closure and be ok with everything that is going on. When I left my first husband, i was an emotional wreck, i had to seek theraphy. THere wasnt an affair or anything we just couldnt get along all we did was fight. We are so much better off now being divorved and are good friends which is good for the kids. YOu didn't say whether you had kids or not and if you do. just remember to not bad mouth him in front of them and try to come to an agreement with him where they are concerned. Don't blame yourself what he did is on him, if he didn't love you he should have man upped and told you then left. instead he took the easy way out for him, cheating, and lying and treating you like dirt. Take your life back, live life for you, and try to keep your head up. it will be hard but your heart will heal.
jnj express Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 What's the problem, you've known the right answer for months Time to D. him---he does what he wants cuz there are absolutely no consequences for his actions,--- He will change his tune real fast when faced with the loss of half of everything Go to the bank tomorrow, and put all marital finances in your name, cancel all his, and joint credit cards, tell him he is still responsible for half of all debts, and tell him you are filing for D----you will see a change real quick Whatever you do, do not argue, yell, scream, discuss,---just tell him and walk away---you must be icy cold about this If he comes anywhere near to touching you offensively, tell him you will call the police---once again--he will change real quick 1
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