Buttercup84 Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 When I met my ex's friends , while I thought they were nice , they were really different from the people I hung out with. Kinda rough looking and talking , and well just not really educated ( emotionally etc ) I didn't want to be snob or judge too fast but now I wonder if they were a bad influence on my ex. When they were on the phone they swore a lot , talked badly about people they worked with and from texts I saw how bad his friends spoke about women. My ex was friends with this 40 year old single guy ( my ex is 31 ) called Andrew , and Andrew was looking for a woman , he is divorced with kids. Yeah I snooped my ex's phone , because I just felt like something was going on. I saw how Andrew liked this lady and when nothing happened between them , he called her messed up , and said if other women reject him they can **** off basically. His other friend was involved with shifty stuff , and when we bumped into some friends of his on the street , I just thought they look like the kind of people who would cause trouble. Our friends are so different. Mine are friendly , non racist and well spoken - as in , not every second word is **** . My ex and his friends would just bitch about people on the phone , that kind of the world is against them mentallity. When my ex ended things ( over email , after I emailed him trying to save our relationship ) while it was done " nicely " it of course was bloody painful. I had to move out that day. I went into his email account because I just didn't trust him.I found an email between him and Andrew titled " the plan " where my ex said he signed up to this dating site Andrew was on , and already sent 6 " kisses " to girls and he said he should have done this sooner and will give me the break up speech. Andrew said " She has no respect , show her the exit door , you are a good catch " I called my ex after I read it , he said Andrew only said that to cheer him up after our break up , and Andrew does not know me. Well my ex lived are together for two years and were engaged at one point.We met maybe once , but if you are close friends , wouldn't your friends know about your partner at least from hearing things about them ? so I can asume my ex just talked **** about me. My ex could be romantic and polite , nice to my parents and wanted children with me. I won't get into his story now it is too long. But do you believe a persons friends can say a lot about them ? Now when I see these things written down I can't believe I was so naive and stupid for being with him.
Mack05 Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 (edited) Butter you are continually doing it. Focusing/obsessing on him and not yourself. While you continue to do this you will never heal. Some people heal after 3 months, some take years. The people that heal in 3 months, do it because they refuse to longer beat the dead horse. They focus on the important thing -> THEMSELVES. These answers you seek are simply not important to you. It doesn't matter who his friends are, their education/jobs, or what they do together. It doesn't matter he is living in the appartment you shared and you are not. It doesn't matter where he goes every weekend, who his new girlfriend is, why he treats her better etc etc etc. None of this matters... Until you stop this kind of thought process, you will never be rid of him...Focus on you and the future. Look forward, not back. Try get back to the old positive you..When you do things will start to happen, but without hard work and self belief nothing changes.. Edited September 29, 2011 by Mack05
Author Buttercup84 Posted September 29, 2011 Author Posted September 29, 2011 I know , I hate it. I just feel like a no one without him , and I hate who I've become . I gave no respect for myself . Ugh .
oldguy Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 "love is blind" as they say. After my ex walked out the neighbors became noticeably friendlier. I was convinced it was because they felt sorry for me until I overheard two of them talking, they where saying things like; "he's better off without that snooty bitch", "I never understood what he saw in her", & things like that. Yes I listened because it did my heart good But we had been married for more than 20 years & she was, and still is a snooty bitch but I never saw it, or maybe I did & just excused it.
headsashed Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 i do believe friends have some sort of influence over your partner,my ex changed when she got a new job and met these new people,she was brilliant before she started to hang around with them. but none of that matters,they are ex's now,so they can do as they please,i dont lay blame on these friends as my ex has her own mind but yes,i do believe they can have some sort of influence.
geegirl Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 I know , I hate it. I just feel like a no one without him , and I hate who I've become . I gave no respect for myself . Ugh . So, you need validation from a scumbag to make you feel like someone? That should be an eye opener for you. Your self-esteem is in the tank. You need him to tell you are worthy, when rationally, if you look at who this man is, he is nothing. That's how low you have sunk. If someone like that can make you feel like nothing, your sense of value has been completely stripped. You want to give yourself respect. Then start respecting yourself by focusing on loving yourself, nurturing yourself and rebuilding your self-esteem. What happened to your journal? Tell us what goals you have that you want to start working on. What are you doing with your time? Take the focus and power back and place it on you. Share with us, something positve that is going in your life based on actions you are taking to work on yourself. Share. Stop focusing on him and trying to analyze him, trying to connect dots. He is who he is. You know the reality of him. Accept it and realize that you are someone Buttercup, not no one. You've given this scumbag so much of power that you don't even know who you are without him. And you are still doing it. Wake up.
shayla Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 I guess everybody grieves differently. It took me 8 months of doing exactly what you are doing for me to get over my ex. I got over him in spite of myself. I obsessed, I bargained, I raged to my friennds, my therapist, and here until I caught myself getting excited over seeing my best friend frm grade school on facebook. It was such a good feeling, but it took that long.
dreamcity Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 My mom liked to quote this parenting book when my sister was being difficult. "If you say your kid hangs out with the wrong crowd, they are the wrong crowd." Do you think this might be the case? (I think my mom was being a bit unfair to my sister thought )
radiodarcy Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 my ex wrote me a really nasty email when he ditched me. looking back i'm almost sure his friends egged him on to do it and even told him what to say (mind you he is 36 years old ) but as far as i'm concerned i could care less if they were involved or not. it was ultimately his decision to say those things to me. sure friends can influence a relationship but it's up to the person in that relationship if they allow them to . and if they do, then as far as i'm concerned that says more abt them that it does abt their friends.
Author Buttercup84 Posted September 30, 2011 Author Posted September 30, 2011 So, you need validation from a scumbag to make you feel like someone? That should be an eye opener for you. Your self-esteem is in the tank. You need him to tell you are worthy, when rationally, if you look at who this man is, he is nothing. That's how low you have sunk. If someone like that can make you feel like nothing, your sense of value has been completely stripped. You want to give yourself respect. Then start respecting yourself by focusing on loving yourself, nurturing yourself and rebuilding your self-esteem. What happened to your journal? Tell us what goals you have that you want to start working on. What are you doing with your time? Take the focus and power back and place it on you. Share with us, something positve that is going in your life based on actions you are taking to work on yourself. Share. Stop focusing on him and trying to analyze him, trying to connect dots. He is who he is. You know the reality of him. Accept it and realize that you are someone Buttercup, not no one. You've given this scumbag so much of power that you don't even know who you are without him. And you are still doing it. Wake up. Thanks Geegirl I really needed that. I do still seek is approval .Even when I choose my outfit for the day , I wonder if he would critisize it.It is so ****ed up and I need professional help.
Author Buttercup84 Posted September 30, 2011 Author Posted September 30, 2011 i do believe friends have some sort of influence over your partner,my ex changed when she got a new job and met these new people,she was brilliant before she started to hang around with them. but none of that matters,they are ex's now,so they can do as they please,i dont lay blame on these friends as my ex has her own mind but yes,i do believe they can have some sort of influence. I am sorry about that. When my ex started work in a all male office he became so macho and mean. It is sad that they are so weak.
Woggle Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 I know ex wife's man hating friends encouraged her to cheat and encouraged other things but she chose on her own to do it.
Recommended Posts