Time to Quit?

[waterinpeace]

4 weeks ago I found out my partner has been cheating on me in the past 2 years. We had our problem about 2 years ago which was why he started an internet relationship. They were intimate and chatted day and night. 2 months later, we were back together and I got pregnant 8 months ago. He said they just chatted on the internet and never met and during the past 2 years, he has been chatting with her whenever we have a little arguement or when he found he couldn't talk to me, he then turned to her. He said they don't have any intimate relationship anymore but she has been a emotional support for him.

 

When I found out about this, I was angry and hurt. I couldn't think of him making me pregnant and at the same time having another "soulmate" behind my back. At one point, I thought of working on it for the sake of our baby but it's just so hard to really come over the thoughts of it. Somehow, it feels even worse than if he just went out and had a one night stand.

 

He actually had his knees down on the floor and said he did it wrong. I felt sad at that moment, extremely sad. I thought maybe we can work on it. But a few days after, the thoughts of him being both physically (internet sex type) and emotionally involved with this girl for 2 years behind my back just wouldn't go away I find myself being tortured of even looking at him or hearing his voice. I turned silent because I really don't know what to do, and how to behave in front of him. I simply can not smile at him or even talk to him without having something in the back of my head of what he chatted with that girl on the internet (including comments about me). Silence is my only coping strategy now that I live with him.

 

I don't know how he interprates this silence but he reacted by going away. He disappeared. Left a note that he is at his folks house and never show up at home anymore. So far I haven't seen him for a week. I am 8 months pregnant now, with a heavy belly and placenta previa bleeding risk, have to do all the household chores, at least to do the heavy lift shopping for myself, cooking, cleaning and setting up baby nursery. He is gone, with no signs of caring about his baby, if not me.

 

If finding out about his cheating made me loose trust and feelings for him, his no-show behaviour will be just the final stroke telling me that I should leave him. How could he be so irresponsible? How could I even believe that he feels even remotely guilty for what he did? Does he even care about the baby at all?

 

Maybe 4 weeks is too quick to decide, but it is the critial 4 weeks when I am in desparate need of help, emotionally and physically. Obviously I can not move out now since I am 8 months high risk pregnant. I don't want to put my baby at risk. Besides, I can not just fix a place to move to like that. I have a C-section booked in 6 weeks. I am thinking after the recovery from C section, I will have to start looking for new place.

 

My friend told me maybe he withdraws because he wants to give me space to calm down. But still how could he just totally disapear when there are so many practical things need to be done now that need his help? How could he be a father?

 

He is not an agreesive person but rather passive. Who knows what he is doing now? Maybe he is on the internet again to chat with someone who can fulfill his emational needs? I just feel so disheartened and ready to go.

[knitwit]

Hi Waterinpeace,

 

This is such a sad tale. Do you have friends or family who can help you out right now? You are in a very intense time right now. As much as you can, try to focus on taking care of yourself and your soon-to-be here baby.

 

As for the guy? I would say that you don't need to make a permanent decision at this time if it is causing you stress. The fact is, he is gone at this time. As craptacular as that is, it is the reality. Work with what you have (hopefully friends and family nearby). When and if he ever comes back around, you can make some decisions at that time.

 

That said- I think you are very, very smart to ask what kind of man abandons his girl and unborn child. In my eyes this is a colossal failure of character. He has shown you that he is not someone of strength or depenability. He might get down and beg forgiveness and have loads of pretty words but he has no appropriate action.

 

Furthermore- this is one of the most critical times in your life. You are in the end stages of a high-risk pregnancy. If he cannot handle being there for you and HIS OWN child, I don't think you can count on him to be there for much of anything, really.

 

So, I really think you are very smart and are asking the right questions. My recommendation is to move forward right now without him- ask for help from your loved ones for this time and also a month or so after your child is born. He is not here, and even if he comes back for a short time, I think you would be wise to make plans as if he was not back. He is not reliable and you are going to need some reliable support. There are so many men who are much, much better than that!

 

You don't need more stress or arguments or him trying to lay guilt trips etc right now, which is why I don't recommend making a permanent decision right now. It is one thing to say, "Have your space, I have so-and-so to help me out". This "lets" him off the hook, so to speak, so you have peace and quiet from him and you can focus on your baby. It is another to say "We are DONE!!' which will cause fights, arguments, whose name is on the birth certificate, etc. Take the quiet route now if you can! Don't do anything that will put your child at risk.

 

You are wise and you're not sticking your head in the sand- you are going to be OK!

 

Soon you will have your beautiful baby! No matter what is going on now, you are about to get the most wonderful gift in that child! Take care and please update us when you can!