He's freaked b-cuz he thinks I said I loved him when we were in bed. I didn't, HELP!

[KK'sLove]

I posted the beginning part of the story on another post but he's where I'm at now...

 

I've been dating a guy for a little over a month, well the last week and a half he's been blowing me off but I didn't know why. He's called during that time but only once and I haven't seen him since the Sunday before last (we been getting together like every 2 to 3 days). Well, anyway, I called yesterday and we talked and oh boy this is what he said....

 

He said the last time we were in bed together that I told him I love him...WHAT! I don't know where he got that from...I would of never said that to him. That's why he's been not calling as much and hanging out. I was like "What the hell are you talking about, I would have never said that to you, you had to of misunderstood me or something, but I can swear to you that I wouldn't have said that." There is no way that I said that, I take those words very seriously and I wouldn't have said them to a man I just met 3 weeks ago. It takes a lot for me to fall in love with someone and usually months so that's not even possible. But he doesn't believe me, because he sure that he heard it. We were having sex so maybe I said "I love that" to something he was doing but definitely not the other. I think he's as freaked out or even more then I am and no matter what I said yesterday it didn't make it better. I think he thinks I'm lying. Hello, I don't lie and second even my friends are laughing their butts off because they know me well enough to know that wouldn't have came out of my mouth. (By the way, he's a commitment phobic)

 

When we were talking his cousin came over and he had to leave so I asked him to call me back and he said okay and said he would call back but it would be late. He didn't call so I called him. what do you think, I know it is long but I don't know if I'll ever get to talk to him again. So this is what I said...

 

"Hey, it's me, I know that I'm suppose to wait for you to call but I'm really bothered by the our earlier conversation and I have no patience left. I know that I shouldn't be leaving this on a phone message but since I'm not sure if you're avoiding me or if I will ever hear from you again, I'm going to. Eric, I'm not sure what you heard, I know you wouldn't lie or make it up, but I also know that I wouldn't of said that to you. So all I can come up with is that you must of did something I really liked in bed and I said I loved that. I'm not ready to tell you that I love you and I take those words seriously. Maybe in a month or few months, I might feel that way and say it but I know I didn't say it like that then and I definitely wouldn't say it in bed for the first time. And if I said it, trust me, I would of remembered. This has freaked me out and I'm sure that it freaked you out even more and I don't want you to not like me or stop hanging out with me because of something that you thought you heard because it's just not true. What I'm saying is that I don't want us to stop hanging out because of a misunderstanding. I thought we were just hanging out and have a fun time together, that's all that I want. Well hopefully you will call me, Bye!"

 

Do you think he'll ever call again? I think he's too freaked out but I didn't say it and I don't know how to convince him that I didn't. I really like him and it's probably over and I didn't even do anything. What can I do?

[uriel]

Two thoughts for you:

 

1) You've shown this guy you're emotional about him and the situation through your phone message. The best way to deal with a commitmentphobe is to act cold and put distance between you. When he told you he thought you said you love him, you should have gone, "Yeah, right. I've known you three weeks and I love you. Don't flatter yourself. You'd be lucky if you made a good move on me, and I said 'I love that.'" End of story.

 

Now that you've freaked out on him and shown how much you do care, you're in trouble. Commitmentphobic men have a sixth sense for these things. The last thing they want to deal with is feelings -- their own or anyone elses. Likely he'll run. There's nothing you can do to stop it. The only thing you can do now that will work is a) IGNORE him -- no calls, no talking about him to mutual friends, nothing b) act casual if he contacts you (not like you've been waiting for him to call and are pissed that he hasn't) c) never mention LOVE again -- not even in continued defense that you didn't say it. You know, he'll just think you're protesting too much.

 

2) It's interesting that we (women especially, and I'm one) tend to view sex these days as much less of a commitment than love. After all, love has many less potential physical, real consequences than sex. Even consistent condom use can't be guaranteed to prevent STDs or even pregnancy. You'd think it'd matter a lot to us who got a shot at transmitting either, especially when men tend to be such dogs.

 

You've known this guy 3 weeks; you're just his bed buddy, and likely not an exclusive one either. What if something goes wrong? He won't be there for you -- no way. And, he's commitmentphobic to boot -- and most real commitmentphobes cheat.

 

Is there anything special about you to him or are you just a conveniently attracted female body to screw? Apparently it's the latter, or he wouldn't have bolted. He would've been flattered, even if he thought it was way too much to soon. I mean, if you were attracted to a guy both physically AND mentally, wouldn't you have that reaction instead of -- gross, help me, he's a clinging parasite, I've got to get the hell away from him, like hell you didn't say it, I know you did and I'm not coming anywhere near that again!

 

Shouldn't you think more of yourself than to give your body to a guy who feels that way about you? Sorry to be so blunt, but sometimes the easiest way to spell commitmentphobe is in the good old Anglo-Saxon: P-I-G.

 

-- uriel

[tiki]

First off, I'd keep a close eye on who I slept with that I didn't "love" or at least feel deeply committed to. That may be part of the respect issue. Unless you guys are just f*ck buddies, there's been no time to let the relationship build any respect. Then he thinks he hears you say that you love him...#1) I'd freak out if a man let me have sex with him after only a few short weeks #2) If I heard him say I love you. I'd run too. That's only my opinion and my conscience talking though. I guess we're all different.

 

But the fact of the matter is that you *didn't* say it. You've told him that you didnt say it, that's all you can do. Don't give him the time of day by continuing to carry this on and on.

 

I will say, from personal experience, I thought I heard my boyfriend say it during sex a time or two. Just kinda whispering it. I was wrong =) BUT (shortly after) when I was prepared to say it, it wasn't a big thing to him. To me, no love = no sex. It's a given. And he knew that from the beginning. I told him no sex without a relationship. I don't think it caught him off guard at all. We had been dating for several months at that time.

 

I say lay off and if he comes back around, cool...but I'd definitely lay off the continuous reassuring of you not saying those words. If he doesn't give you the time of day, he doesn't deserve your time of day.