elisheva Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 So my LDR has been on the rocks lately. There is a 9 hour time difference and my guy has been busy with a lot of non-LDR personal and work related stress. He is a stoic European and I am a manic American girl so of course that doesn't help us . I misinterpreted his distance as a loss of interest when in actuality he was just really tired/stress, and my behavior hurt him pretty badly . We are in the process of making up and moving on, but he's even more distant now. I assume it is still because of work stress, but I worry that he's still upset with me. I don't know how to make this right, I've said sorry a thousand times and I am trying to be supportive but I don't want to be annoying either (I worry sometimes that's what happens when I send him emails and texts that he doesn't respond to for 4-5 days, like I am making him feel guilty for not chatting with me). And I fear if I bring up his being distant we're going to get into an argument again Any ideas on what I could or should do? Should I just leave him alone for a while? I feel like he's hurting and I am not there to help him and it makes me feel so bad, especially because I confronted him when he was going through a lot that he just wasn't telling me. For added perspective, if it matters, we haven't met IRL yet so we aren't officially a couple but we used to skype everyday and email each other multiple times a day, whereas now things are no longer like that. I just want things to get better for us because i really care about this guy!! :(
LittleTiger Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 Elisheva, I was going to offer you some words of wisdom based on my own experience of an LDR partner who, if I'm brutally honest, turns into a pain in the proverbial backside when he's stressed. Unfortunately, when I got to the end of your post and realised you haven't actually met your 'partner', it put a rather different slant on things. I do know how it feels to have strong feelings for someone you've connected with online so I can appreciate your frustration with the situation, however, you don't know him well enough to have any real idea of what's going on his life. You even say you 'assume' he's being distant because of work stress, but you don't actually know for sure. Therefore, it's impossible to say if he's just stressed and behaving badly because of that, or if he's actually losing interest in your friendship. I think, in your situation, I would give him some space. Stop emailing him and stop apologising - what you're doing does sound a little OTT to me. I would just leave him be and wait for him to contact you when he's ready. He will notice the difference in you and you may find it has the desired results. If it doesn't, then he was probably backing off anyway and you need to move on.
Whipple Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 I agree with LittleTiger 100%. At the very beginning of my relationship with my boyfriend, I went over a week without hearing from him because he was so busy and stressed out, but he gave me the heads up beforehand that he was going into his school-cave and promised to contact me afterwards. So...it wasn't like he was completely ignoring me. But your story is different. I'm really concerned that he's backing away even with your attempts to contact him. It's difficult to determine why he's doing this based on the evidence that we have. He could be slowly trying to cut ties with you or this may be how he reacts to stressors. If the latter is true, are you okay with that? Regardless of his motives, you should definitely stop apologizing. One or two sorries is enough in any relationship, long distance or not. After a while the word becomes devalued. You should also back away from the situation and give him his space. Stop contacting him. If he truly cares about you, he will contact you when he's ready. If he doesn't care about you and never contacts you, well sh*t, I'm sorry but at least you'll have a clear answer that he wasn't the right guy for you. How long have you been communicating with him online?
FitChick Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 He could be asking himself why he is doing an LDR when he needs someone close by in times of trouble or just for companionship. This happened to me. You also have to slow down a guy in the beginning because the relationship might burn out before you even meet. Also happened to me. It's difficult when you finally feel you've met someone you can relate to. I'm going through that now and I've got to stall the new guy for a bit until I know more about him. He is a successful, intelligent man used to getting his own way, so that is tricky. We will probably meet sooner rather than later because he can easily afford the overseas travel. If I were you, I'd totally back off. The silence might jolt him back to reality if he misses you. If he contacts you, you need to plan a trip soon.
Author elisheva Posted September 30, 2011 Author Posted September 30, 2011 Hi Everyone, thank you so much for the advice!! Whipple: We've been talking online for the past five months and up until earlier this month it was constant, non-stop talk. I think you're right about me apologizing though, it's something I have to work on (that, and the mania that LittleTiger picked up on). You've brought up some good points though. To be succinct, I thought that we were moving a bit fast for not having met IRL, it isn't too easy for us to meet up (hectic work/school schedules), and I sort of freaked out and didn't know if I could handle the way our friendship was going without having met up and really deciding what we wanted to do. This has happened twice, both times rather recently. He seems fine with the notion of an LDR and after the first discussion, he told me not to think so hard about it and just wait to see what happens, that if he's been distant lately it's because of the reasons I laid out in the OP. But I think that after our second discussion, he's more annoyed with me than anything else and might just want to sever all ties, even though when I asked him if that is what he wants he said no. But I will leave him alone for a while and see what happens...
Author elisheva Posted October 1, 2011 Author Posted October 1, 2011 Just a quick update, my guy contacted me today and I think everything is okay. The past month was pretty tough for him at work and this week was apparently really busy but he was able to take yesterday and today off to get some rest. I hadn't talked to him in about a week and in my last email to him a week ago I sort of jokingly said that I hope I wasn't sending him texts too late at night (like at 11pm, not some crazy early hour in the morning ), to which he said that I can sms him whenever because my messages make him very happy :love:. I think you all are right though, I just need to calm down, slow down and let nature take its course. We are planning to meet in March but I really don't think I can wait that long, problem again is that both of our schedules are crazy... but if there is a will, i am sure there is a way.
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