lonelynyc Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 I'm starting to feel like the thing I want the most in the world is also the worst thing for me. I won't repeat my story, many of you know it, I'll just say I was dumped a couple months ago and have never maintained NC longer than 3 weeks (she always broke it). My ex is unstable. She has done some terrible terrible things since we broke up. Mostly because she's such a mess. The thing is, every time she called me I just wanted to make her feel better. I said stupid, unwise things that put me in a worse position just to make her feel better. I keep kicking myself every time I do that, but I can't help it. I honestly care about the psycho. Still, it's untenable. I have a feeling she'll wander back to me when she realizes just how deeply I love her. But should I subject myself to a lifetime of this nonsense? I don't think she can change the way she is without years of therapy and probably prescription drugs. I'm 23, and other parts of my life (aside from the demise of my entire family) are going well. I see myself being a very successful person moving forward, and at least I have the self-awareness to know that I need therapy and help for the things I've been through. Would taking her back be a downgrade for me?
allite Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 lonelynyc, you already know the anwser. dont live your life in regret. if she is not putting a positive light onto your own personal life, then no point. why would u want this negativeness in your life. i know you still care about her and you still love her deep down inside no matte rhow much she prob hurt you and i still love my ex that way but in the end, me and her were not compatible lifestyle wise. why put yourself through all those years when you can find someone else or maybe upgrade yourself.
Author lonelynyc Posted September 29, 2011 Author Posted September 29, 2011 I'm afraid I will not be able to love someone totally while I still have love for my ex. And what scares me is that she has done all sorts of terrible things to me in the last few months, and it still hasn't erase or transformed my love. It's ****ed up.
Lucio Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 Hey lonelynyc, U should know by now I'm not the type to say harsh advices and slap ppl awake. This time I might sound a little cruel, because I have to tell u what u r doing now is no good for u and possibly her too. U know she's hurting u. But immediately u help her out and say that's because she's a mess. It's natural to come up w excuses for ppl we had loved so much, because we don't want to believe that we had actually given our heart to a bad person. I don't call it downgrade, but u can't take her back now the way she currently is. Maybe some time later u can after she had changed. Provided that she wants to change for the better. Remember, u cannot make her get therapy. One must want to be saved first. We can hope, but don't bend urself so much that u close both eyes to whatever she's doing now n take her back unconditionally. U will not be happy. This is my advice, though I will try to support every decision u make cos I treat u as my friend here. Well, at most u will start another thread n I will give comments there again. Take care bro!
allite Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 dude, im not even going to say i understand what your going through because i am only 18, i dont have the experience. but i know nc is hard and ignoring her calls is hard but you gotta man. out of sight out of mind. for the past couple weeks i can say my ex has been on my mind 24/7. in class, at work, when i go to gym, when im with friends but i can say compared to before, by staying nc, i start focusing on myself more and more. just gotta be strong and also have a buddy there for you but you know all this =D your more experienced then me on loveshack haha
antz2411 Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 bro i think you already know the answer. run and run fast
ken_25 Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 Look man, we're all looking out for your best interest and what have all of us pretty much said? You should NOT take this girl back, you WILL find someone else that you love, care for and will make you very happy. Don't let that worry you, I know how it is, been there, and a lot of us have. But ultimately you may need to go through it and learn this for yourself, do what your gut tells you and use whatever ends up happening as experienced gained.
TheDovic Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 Only you can answer that. You know her so answer these questions: 1) What would life be like with her in 5 years time? 2) In 10 years time? 3) In 20 years time?
Mack05 Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 (edited) You're addicted Lonelynyc. She is like a bad drug. Everyone outside the addict, can tell the addict this drug is bad for them. The addict himself even knows the drug is bad for them, but can't help going back for a 'shot'..You need to go to Therapy in my opinion (if you are in Therapy, change your Therapist). The fact you can see this girl is messed up. The fact you can't comprehend that she will never make you happy. The fact the you still want to be her doormat, after everything she has done to you. The fact the you post thread after thread obsessing about your ex. I truly believe there is no one on this site that can help you. You want to settle for someone who is not all that. You have set your standards so low. The problem is you (lack of self respect, self esteem, self confidence etc etc). Not your ex. Here is my addicts thread. Read it carefully -> http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t281521/ Focus on your father..Your ex will never make you happy. In one ear out the next right lonelynyc? You know what I have learnt over the years? You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped and you don't want to be helpled..Don't bother replying to my post lonelynyc. I've heard it all before.. Edited September 29, 2011 by Mack05
geegirl Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 (edited) So, you recognize that she has a long journey ahead of her, that is if she is even willing to make changes for herself. Big IF. And even if she does want to make those changes, chances are, by the time she actually starts shifting in her patterns, your feelings for one another may not even be the same. The reality is, 1) She has to want to make those changes so will she? 2) You have to disconnect from her, if she wants to make those changes because, in time, if she falters and derails, you are again stuck with a broken individual 3) She has to make changes for herself and not for YOU. The truth is, even if she makes the effort, you're not even guaranteed that it's going to work. You're 23. You haven't even lived half your life. This is what you want most in the world? Realistically. If I asked you, without any emotion, what is it that you look for in a partner, someone you want to spend your life with in the long term, loving and healthy partnership, what would you tell me? Turn that around. You would never say, well, I seek a woman who treats me disrespectfully, someone who is unstable, someone who is a psycho....really? Get my drift. You're settling because you are so afraid to be alone. You're so afraid of the thought that she is it and there is no other woman that is going to enter your life. You're addicted. You confuse toxicity for passionate love. When it is not. You are co-dependent. You make her feel better first without even thinking about what it's doing to you. Get a book and read about what co-dependency is. You're thinking emotionally, in a state of romanticizing her rather than using your brain and thinking about...WHAT ARE YOU ACTUALLY GETTING BACK? You see a successful life ahead of you. Let me tell you something. At the rate you are going, the success of your future will never be smooth sailing if you are unable to make smart and wise choices for yourself. And that includes, picking a healthy and loving partner to support you while you strive to achieve all that you want for yourself. You realize she is bad for you. She will most likely be who she is for a long, long time. There is no guarantee that she will ever gain self-awareness or find introspection. You can bank on maybes and what ifs but that's too much time wasted on a lifetime that is just too short. Think with your brain. Not with your heart. Love is great but it's just not enough. Edited September 29, 2011 by geegirl
Author lonelynyc Posted September 29, 2011 Author Posted September 29, 2011 I am addicted to her. That's why I decided to put myself into therapy (first session next week). Like most addicts, I guess general unhappiness made me vulnerable to my drug of choice. My parents were hooked on heroin--AIDS killed my mother, now it's killing my father. It's something that brings me great sadness every single day and I feel horrible admitting it, shame. My life hasn't been easy so far, but I made myself bear everything, worked hard in college, at my post-grad job... It's just I didn't give any attention to the mental toll all the stuff I had seen and experienced had on me. My ex was the exception to the dysfunction in my personal life until she became another source of it. I think I put up with the craziness for so long (and am still putting up with it) because that's what I feel used to. It's a horrible thing to perpetuate though, really succeeding would be finding stability. A girl I knew from college has been texting me for a few months now, I think she's trying to get back in touch. She's very pretty and generally cool/down to earth. I think I will ask her out (like for coffee or something, nothing too serious) just to demonstrate to myself that there are better people out there, people better for my sanity.
Kageytn Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 Lonely- There are two books on Amazon: How to Break your Addiction to a Person and Obsessive Love. I read Obsessive Love thinking it would not describe me. I am not a stalker. I don't have posters of the person hidden in my closet. Um, I was wrong. It did describe me in some of the chapters. My love for my ex was obsessive. It was unhealthy. I found it helpful. I think either would be good. I have an addictive personality. My ex is an addiction. If I see him, my anxiety will lessen. I will be OK. I can survive. The truth is, though, I feel worse afterwards. Therapy has been very helpful. I hope it helps you. I'm so sorry you are going through all this-break up, father's illness, facing your demons all at the same time. I am sending you surviving and you are awesome vibes.
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