Trying to deal with wive's EA that turned into a ONS...*very long

[Mace Fremonti]

I'm not overlooking my wife's part in this. From the time she told me she has done everything she could have to make this right and continues to do so. I don't believe she intended to **** him that night and she continues to work her ass off to make this right. I know why things went the way they did. My wife is not innocent in this but she is truly remorseful, 100% transparent and has had no contact with him since April 2010. She absolutely hates this man and what happened.

 

The bottom line is another man f u c k e d my wife and I have done nothing.

[Space Ritual]

Please understand, Mace, is that the advice we all give here is based entirely on our own experiences. Once again, you know your wife and we don't. So since you have not given me any real specifics as to what form the transparency has taken I will take that as a sign that you are satisfied in her efforts and if that is the case, then none of us, myself included can fault you for wanting to Reconcile.

 

And that is ok, for admittedly I am nothing more than an armchair shrink, as are 99 percent of the people here.

 

I just based my reply on my experience. I cannot however stress enough that any confrontation with the OM will do little good. I mean do you really think he would tell you the truth? I assure you he will get a bigger rush knowing you are allowing him to put you through this hell without so much as lifting a finger. I also know that being that the revelations were fairly recent that as far as you are concerned you will probably not be able to rest unless this goes down.

 

Just be very careful....to say I am concerned is an understatement. So best of Luck and let us know how things turn out

[RobD70]

Look at it like this:

The bottom line is my wife f u c k e d another man and I have done nothing.

[nofool4u]

I don't believe she intended to **** him that night

 

and what difference does it make if she intended to or not?

 

bottom line is, she DID.

 

 

I know why things went the way they did. My wife is not innocent in this but she is truly remorseful, 100% transparent and has had no contact with him since April 2010. She absolutely hates this man and what happened.

 

Why would she f*** a man she hates?

 

I read also that your wife says she made a "mistake". really, with two different guys? as if just having an affair with one guy is NOT a mistake, she did this with 2

[Mace Fremonti]

She hates him NOW. She sees how he took advantage of the situation. Im not defending her but you have to understand what happened. When all this went down my wife was not happy with our relationship. I was working all the time, money was tight, kids stressing her out - she was looking for someone to talk to and confide in. Unfortunately with the help of Facebook she came into contact with probably the worst person she could have.

 

This man was obsessed with her 20 years ago. He was the first guy my wife ever performed oral sex on......when she was 12(!) and he was 16. My wife believed she was in love at the time and it would be forever (again all of 12 years old). They never had intercourse then and she moved away soon after.

 

He knew what he wanted the minute they connected in 2010. He listened to her and told her what she wanted to hear. My wife believed she had regained an old friend. He used his knowledge of her childhood issues and their past history to get into her head. It was selfish, underhanded, and deceitful on his part. It was all about having sex with her from day one.

 

As I said before I don't believe she stepped into his truck that night intending to

have sex with him. She believed he was just a friend. Someone to talk to and confide in. He had her right where he wanted her and took advantage of her.

 

I'm not defending her - she put herself in that position but she was in his vehicle, in the middle of nowhere, unhappy with her marriage, with prior feelings/psychological issues with this man and it happened.

 

But HE created the situation. He manipulated her. He took advantage of her. He humiliated her. He degraded her. He was mainly responsible for what happened. He made her do something which was completely out of character for her.

 

I appreciate all of the support and suggestions from people and I realize many of you think I'm not seeing things for what they are but I know the kind of person my wife is and what her values are and it just eats me up inside that he was able to get in her head and have her do this. My feelings have hatred and disgust for this man are indescribable.

 

I hope that people can understand how I feel here. He took advantage of my wife, f u c k e d her, and got away with it. He hasn't paid for his crimes. He hasnt suffered because of what he did. He got away with it.

 

.....and I have done nothing.

[Mace Fremonti]

Destroying his life would be a good start.

 

He's not even man enough to at some point offer me (or my wife) an apology. At least my wife apologized to his wife and made an effort to make things right.

 

To see him suffer and lose his current gravey train (his wife is a doctor and makes all the money) would feel sooooo gratifying....

[SincereOnlineGuy]

OP,

 

The only reason she 'fessed-up' to having done the deed with the guy, was to inspire YOU to initiate a break-up of your marriage (because she is too gutless to be the one to do so).

 

 

Q: Why haven't you responded appropriately?

[Mace Fremonti]

I'm fairly certain she told me because our relationship over the past year has been as close to perfect as possible. It was eating away at her and she felt that it was the right thing to do.

 

The whole point of starting this thread was for support/suggestions/opinions on the situation without getting a divorce.....

Edited October 31, 2011 by Mace Fremonti
iPhone auto correcting

[Space Ritual]

Well Mace,

 

I will stop posting on this thread, for it is of no use for me to do so after this.

 

I just want you to remember something though.

 

You keep saying this guy F.U.$.K.E.D. Your wife. You fail to also realize that she went OUT OF HER WAY to F.U.G.K him too.

 

You think the OM owes you anything, like an apology? Come on man, that is the crap for Lifetime Movies. manipulator or not, the last thing he will ever give you is any type of explanation or apology. The only reason she told you when she did was because SINCE you two were getting along so well she figured it would "soften the blow". she didn't tell you to clear her soul. she was waiting time out to spill when she thought it would do the least damage to her marriage to you. for some reason you don't get this. I think you still are so obsessed with this guy that you will continue to absolve your wife of her part and her CHOICES.

 

She cheated of her own free will.....unless this guy held a gun to her head you need to realize that. You also need to realize you are not letting the OM get away with it if it wasn't your wife it would have been somebody else...you are letting your wife get away with it it. Probably the reason she chose the time she did...she had gaslighted you before, so it was probable she was comfortable with doing it again and again...because this was the reaction she knew she would get....you trying to Nice this along. and no one ever has succeeded for very long "Nicing" their spouse back into the marraige.

 

I am sad for you because I know you will never get the answers you seek and you will most likely take the same path I did. Hopefully you will be luckier than I and only get County Time instead of State Time. I'd just wish you would stop excusing your wife...she is going to do it again when she feels she needs some attention because she sees no real consequence coming from you.

 

Who will respect you Mace, if you don't respect yourself?

[road]

You are hoing through what is known as the anger phase.

This phase takes about 6 months to go through.

Beating up the OM?

Is it worth getting sued?

Is it worth going to jail?

After you are broke and in jail what do you think the OM is going to try and do with your money?

Your WW?

 

Thing is the law protects the OM from revenge, usually.

 

True story man comes how catches his WW in the OM's pickup truck parked on his driveway going at it. Details have faded.

 

WW hopes out of the truck telling BH OM was raping her.

 

At the same time the OM starts to drive down the road to make his escape. However the BH carries, and I don't mean a baloney sandwich. BH dumps off some rounds at least one was fatal.

 

Point of the story BH got off due to the way texas courts think about OM, his WW screaming rape at the time, however WW got jail time for lying about rape.

 

There is nothing you can do to get even. A marriage can be built better then before the affair. Or you can divorce. Or marriage can limp along till you or WW pass on when you are old.

[Mace Fremonti]

Thanks Space. I understand where you are coming from. I really do. I just can't get past the anger and pure hatred I have for this guy. It really feels as though I let him just walk right on in, have his way, and walk on out.

 

I actually have been in individual counseling for almost 2 weeks now. It doesn't help. I just don't see any end to the hatred...

[jnj express]

Hey Mace---what is it that you don't understand about, that your beef is with one person, and one person only---YOUR WIFE

 

You did not take any vows, with the scum who your wife had sex with----he did not take any vows with you----

 

Yes he is a POS, but he owes you nothing!!!!!!!

 

So your mge., was having some problems, but you working to provide for your family, IS NOT A REASON FOR YOUR WIFE TO SEEK OUT OTHER MEN

 

The guy called, and said to your wife---come across the street, and go with me------Your wife KNEW SHE WAS MARRIED, AND HAD KIDS, AND WENT ANYWAY-----she thought so little of you, that she climbed in his truck, and went off with him----AND YOU BETTER BELIEVE SHE KNEW WHAT WAS GONNA HAPPEN

 

Stop your obsession with the other guy----again he is scum---but it is YOUR OWN WIFE WHO CHEATED ON YOU-----she didn't have to go with the other guy, when he offered---it was your wife WHO TOOK VOWS WITH YOU, who climbed into the truck with the other guy---it was YOUR WIFE, WHO TOOK VOWS WITH YOU, WHO ALLOWED THE OTHER GUY TO "TAKE HER"

 

There is one person, and one person ONLY in this whole world that was responsible for that AFFAIR----YOUR WIFE!!!!!!!!

[D87]

You said she saw this guy on multiple occasions, so why do you believe it was a one night stand? More than likely, she had sex with him multiple times and would probably do it again since you'll take her back regardless.

[rowell2024]

Hey Mace---what is it that you don't understand about, that your beef is with one person, and one person only---YOUR WIFE

 

You did not take any vows, with the scum who your wife had sex with----he did not take any vows with you----

 

Yes he is a POS, but he owes you nothing!!!!!!!

 

So your mge., was having some problems, but you working to provide for your family, IS NOT A REASON FOR YOUR WIFE TO SEEK OUT OTHER MEN

 

The guy called, and said to your wife---come across the street, and go with me------Your wife KNEW SHE WAS MARRIED, AND HAD KIDS, AND WENT ANYWAY-----she thought so little of you, that she climbed in his truck, and went off with him----AND YOU BETTER BELIEVE SHE KNEW WHAT WAS GONNA HAPPEN

 

Stop your obsession with the other guy----again he is scum---but it is YOUR OWN WIFE WHO CHEATED ON YOU-----she didn't have to go with the other guy, when he offered---it was your wife WHO TOOK VOWS WITH YOU, who climbed into the truck with the other guy---it was YOUR WIFE, WHO TOOK VOWS WITH YOU, WHO ALLOWED THE OTHER GUY TO "TAKE HER"

 

There is one person, and one person ONLY in this whole world that was responsible for that AFFAIR----YOUR WIFE!!!!!!!!

 

Agreed.

 

Stop making your WW out to be the victim here Mace. Unless she was forcibly raped, she was a willing participant in this, past relationship or not. She was NOT victimized, she's even more responsible for this than the OM. OM would not be able to take advantage of her unless she wanted it. Why couldn't she just shoot down his advances? You know why, because she wanted it.

 

And now she knows that you will take her side. She just has to play the victim, that OM took adantage of her. She didn't admit to anything until you busted her. But since you have decided to simply sweep this under the rug, just like you did the first time, now you ask when will this stop hurting? The answer is that it won't. You see, this is unresolved and your hurt will build to resentment and hate over time. You WILL BE TRIPPING OVER THAT HUGE LUMP IN THE RUG. Since you have shown her no consequences, whats to stop her from reconnecting with OM, or starting a new one with a different man? And you will always be suspicious and not trust her. At this time, you think you can just forgive her and bury it and everything will be back to normal? It doesn't work that way. She has to own up to the affair and take responsibility for it. She needs to be completely transparent. She has to be the one to rebuild the trust that she broke. She cannot play victim and say OM took advantage of her, that's not owning up to it.

 

Yes, she saw him multiple times. Looks to me she's doing what almost every cheater does, engage in trickle truth. If they had multiple opportunities, you can bet this is just the tip of the iceberg. But I see the denial is strong in you, so go ahead and sweep it under the rug, just know that it wont help you and you will not be able to heal.

Edited November 7, 2011 by rowell2024

[Sark]

This all sounds too familiar.

 

She cheated on you because she has no boundaries. Being sexually abused as a kid taught her that sex is something guys can have whenever they want. Abused women usually give sex in exchange for attention; and abuse victims need a WHOLE LOT of it, if they haven't worked through their issues. I doubt your wife loved either of these guys, but she craved the attention. It validated her as a woman. Attention is like a drug to a sex abuse victim with crap self-esteem; you get a little, and eventually you need it all the time and will do almost anything to get it. The sex wasn't something she probably so much willingly did, but did more out of an obligation. Look at it like her way of saying 'thanks' for the attention. She probably even felt like she owed it to him.

 

Yea, pretty f****** hard to wrap your brain around that one. I've been doing the same thing for the past two years. The guy my wife screwed was in and out of her life in three weeks. It was a guy she knew in high school. She met up with him one time, and she immediately went to work on him. Do you know many women that will immediately have sex with a guy, and initiate it? I don't (other than my sexually f***** up wife). The funny thing too is, my wife was not only talking to him, but she had three or four other guys going at the same time. She ditched him and went right to meeting other guys to feed that need for attention. The bad part was we'd gone through this cycle before two years earlier. It wasn't about the guy she met up with, it was about the attention. That just happened to be the one guy she felt comfortable enough to meet up with, and the one POS that was pushy enough to get her to meet with him. He's a total coward. How f***** up is he to try and hook up with a married woman? That's pathetic. Not only is he so scared of me that he has to make sure she doesn't tell me, but then that's clearly the only type of women he can get sex from, the broken women with serious emotional and psychological issues. He moved on, knocked up some girl who already had two kids from two different dads, and guess what? He was using that broken chick for sex too, and he didn't even like her. He's got 18 years with that one now. If I ever see the guy, he knows I'll destroy him, but I don't think about him much anymore. He occupied my mind for far too long, and I don't have time to waste on his meaningless, pathetic life. It's obvious he isn't living the high life.

 

Be glad your wife told you. It sucks. It really sucks, but you would have had that feeling in the back of your mind that something wasn't right. It would have come up eventually, trust me. My wife lied and lied, and that is tough to get past. She was scared to death I would leave her, and she was completely ashamed and embarrassed over what she did. Think about it, do you think your wife is proud of screwing some random guy in an alley in the front seat of his truck? Real classy, huh? Probably no worse than my wife blowing some guy in the parking lot of a movie theater before moving on to a super 8. She described it all to me. She said she really didn't want to do it, but she felt like if she didn't go through with it, or do something, the attention would stop. She didn't care about him at all. Two days after the encounter she never spoke to him again. It wasn't until a year later that I got the truth on it. I didn't know at the time, but for almost every day for a year when she was around six years old, she was raped and/or molested by a much older cousin. She tried telling her parents about it, and they told her to drop it. During our marriage, she was suicidal, and spent most of it depressed. I never knew any of that, because she never told me about the abuse.

 

Make your wife fix herself as a condition of staying with her. Her need for attention is not healthy, her boundaries are not healthy, and she will continue to ruin things for all of you if she doesn't do something about it. I don't have all the answers, but I'm right there with you.

Edited November 9, 2011 by Sark

[Mace Fremonti]

Sarks, Frozen...thanks for the words of understanding and enlightenment. I was kind of becoming jaded with all the DIVORCE HER, SHE'S a WHORE posts etc in this forum/thread......

 

It is so difficult to get this SOB out of my head but I believe your above "diagnosis" is spot on. I talked to my wife a little about this today and she was actually 11 when she first performed oral sex on this a**hole. I knew about NONE of her childhood issues until sometime in 2008 or so. It definitely puts things in a different light.

 

Thanks Again!

[Sark]

Sarks, Frozen...thanks for the words of understanding and enlightenment. I was kind of becoming jaded with all the DIVORCE HER, SHE'S a WHORE posts etc in this forum/thread......

 

I always said that was a deal breaker for me, but until you get that piano dropped on your head, I guess it's easy to say what you would or wouldn't do. Trust is hard to get back once it's gone, and she's going to have to put on her big girl panties now and earn it back with you. Abused or not, she made her own choices. Now she has two messes to clean up; understandably, one she didn't ask for, but the other is all on her.

 

It is so difficult to get this SOB out of my head but I believe your above "diagnosis" is spot on. I talked to my wife a little about this today and she was actually 11 when she first performed oral sex on this a**hole. I knew about NONE of her childhood issues until sometime in 2008 or so. It definitely puts things in a different light.

 

Thanks Again!

 

My wife hid all her stuff from me too. She'll probably have a lot of things come up once she starts getting into it. My wife had essentially repressed all of her memories of it, and once it came out, she started remembering it again. It has been a major SOB trying to get through that AND the crap she added into it. Not only is she f***** up, but now I am too. I'm not going to lie to you, it's a daily stab in the heart, but is she worth it? You are the only one that can answer that. There is no one here that can. If you spend 50 years married together, sure, you'll have a stain on your marriage, but what's a few extremely sh***y years if the rest are great? Once you've experienced the worst together, you won't take the good for granted.

 

ummm...how old was this guy when that happened, and if he was old enough, why wasn't he charged with rape?

( i have t young daughters, and if i fo out an older guy got her to do that with him i would want to kill him:sick: . is the way he treated her in the past part of why you are so angry with him?)

 

Most of us would, but my wife told her dad for the first time last year. He cried and threatened to kill the guy...whatever. I mentioned it to him last week about how she's still dealing with it, and he said she just needed to get over it. Yea, to her dad I give him a big f*** you! I would save the government a lot of time and money if anyone did that to one of my daughters, but most of us actually care about our kids.

 

You know the crap part about it with us? The criminal statute of limitations ran out a few months before my wife cheated on me.

[Sark]

One other thing...as much as you and I would love to make these guys disappear, take solace in the fact that this POS is married and went out having sex with other women. If you and your wife make it through this, he and his wife will likely get divorced, he'll continue to do his same cheating stuff on the next, and he'll live a pretty sad life, while all his ex-wives take him for every dollar he's worth. What a miserable way to spend what little time you have here. What would people say about him when he's gone?

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Sarks, Frozen...thanks for the words of understanding and enlightenment. I was kind of becoming jaded with all the DIVORCE HER, SHE'S a WHORE posts etc in this forum/thread......

 

 

 

The divorcing her has nothing to do with her being a "whore".

 

 

...she said she had been struggling with something for a while now and needed to tell me something.

 

 

Your greatest concern at this moment lies within her own twisted logic/outlook with regard to her having "needed" to tell you (that) something.

 

In no way did she "need" to tell you that. It was no more than a mark of her own selfishness. The fact that she did so is most assuredly indicative of her having wanted you to man-up and dump her in order so that she wouldn't have to try to find her way down the path of initiating the break-up of your marriage.

 

Did she somehow "need" to cause you all of the hurt you imply here? If so, just what was the root of that "need" of hers??

 

When you in your own mind can offer some other legitimate cause for that "need" she had, then and only then can you justify remaining with her.

[Sark]

The divorcing her has nothing to do with her being a "whore".

 

 

 

 

 

Your greatest concern at this moment lies within her own twisted logic/outlook with regard to her having "needed" to tell you (that) something.

 

In no way did she "need" to tell you that. It was no more than a mark of her own selfishness. The fact that she did so is most assuredly indicative of her having wanted you to man-up and dump her in order so that she wouldn't have to try to find her way down the path of initiating the break-up of your marriage.

 

Did she somehow "need" to cause you all of the hurt you imply here? If so, just what was the root of that "need" of hers??

 

When you in your own mind can offer some other legitimate cause for that "need" she had, then and only then can you justify remaining with her.

 

I don't agree with any of that. Guilt is a terrible thing and being introduced to sex when you are too young to understand it does bad things to your entire person. Not only do I know this from having lived with a survivor of it for 12 years, but I spent 10 years as a police officer dealing with it more than anyone should ever have to.

[notmel]

the "whys" are nothing but excuses. she'll learn a very valuable lesson if he does this, and that lesson is: when I screw other men, I can get hubby to act how I want.[/quote Yes I concur perhaps you could just get welcome tatooed on your forehead as opposed to worrying about what drove her to commit the ultimate betrayal.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I don't agree with any of that. Guilt is a terrible thing and being introduced to sex when you are too young to understand it does bad things to your entire person. Not only do I know this from having lived with a survivor of it for 12 years, but I spent 10 years as a police officer dealing with it more than anyone should ever have to.

 

 

 

Sark, you are obviously "too young to understand..."

 

 

Indeed "guilt" is a terrible thing when in situations where the so-called "guilt" is entirely the fault and responsibility of ANOTHER PARTY (which was the case in most of your many witnessed experiences).

 

In situations where "guilt" equates only to humans being unwilling to bear responsibility for their own actions or inactions, then it's on them, and not on somebody else to deal with their "guilt".

 

That is to say that a 5yo victim of child abuse feeling guilt in the event that he 'tells' somebody of the abuse is indeed wrong. Not so much the adult cheater who is entirely responsible for his own guilt.

 

Now we all know which way the instincts of most 5yo abuse victims lean with regard to 'telling' or 'not telling'... (regardless of what we'd wish for)

 

 

That YOU didn't derive even that much understanding from those twelve years of police work sure doesn't say a whole lot for our men in blue.

[Sark]

Sark, you are obviously "too young to understand..."

 

 

Indeed "guilt" is a terrible thing when in situations where the so-called "guilt" is entirely the fault and responsibility of ANOTHER PARTY (which was the case in most of your many witnessed experiences).

 

In situations where "guilt" equates only to humans being unwilling to bear responsibility for their own actions or inactions, then it's on them, and not on somebody else to deal with their "guilt".

 

That is to say that a 5yo victim of child abuse feeling guilt in the event that he 'tells' somebody of the abuse is indeed wrong. Not so much the adult cheater who is entirely responsible for his own guilt.

 

Now we all know which way the instincts of most 5yo abuse victims lean with regard to 'telling' or 'not telling'... (regardless of what we'd wish for)

 

 

That YOU didn't derive even that much understanding from those twelve years of police work sure doesn't say a whole lot for our men in blue.

 

Spoken like a true political General; plenty of analytical ability, but absolutely no idea how to logically apply it in a practical sense.

[Richard Friedman]

Thanks Space. I understand where you are coming from. I really do. I just can't get past the anger and pure hatred I have for this guy. It really feels as though I let him just walk right on in, have his way, and walk on out.

 

I actually have been in individual counseling for almost 2 weeks now. It doesn't help. I just don't see any end to the hatred...

 

 

Your anger is misplaced man. You aren't brave enough to leave your wife for whatever reason, so you're trying to rationalize that somehow he's responsible, that he stabbed you in the back.. You are a man. You should know full well that a hot piece of tail makes most men go crazy. Do you think most guys would pass up a shot at essica alba or adriana lima, just because they're married? It it was not him it would've been someone else. What you've gotta do now is end this sham of a marriage. You know in your subconscious that you're being played for a fool, that you are a cuckold. You're wife was the one who made you look ridiculous. Address this instead of trying to protect your ego.

[Mace Fremonti]

Update-

 

On the outside and towards my wife all things are going great. I could not ask for a better relationship between the two of us and our children. On the inside tho....things are ugly. The thought of him inside her, grabbing her hips and pounding away does not leave my mind...EVER.....

 

I invested a lot of time and energy into researching this douchebag and finally tracked down his current cell number and called him. Initially he hung up when he realized who I was. I called him back (blocking my own cell number) and we talked for about 20 minutes.

 

He told me he and his wife were having problems at the time and he didnt mean for things to go as far as they did. According to him it was a very emotional and unplanned event. Contradicting my wife's version of events he said he didnt bring condoms with him....sigh.....I pretty much lit his ass up and told him he was going to pay. He told me I needed to get over it (obviously) and that he was sorry and he apologized. I pressed him on the issue of whether he wore protection or if busted nut inside her but he avoided the question and told me I knew what happened....

 

Going to take some time to process this...I hope it helps and gives me some closure.....I dont feel that it will....

 

BTW Counseling is the biggest crock of bull**** in the health care industry...what a waste of 4 weeks of my life....NO **** it's going to take me time...NO **** I have issues with my wife being intimate with another man....NO **** if I hadnt been working 60+ hours a week she wouldnt have had the free time to start an EA with this guy.....NO **** her teenage relationship with this guy played into it. What a waste...