Author Mace Fremonti Posted October 1, 2011 Author Posted October 1, 2011 Thanks for all the unfiltered replies! She finally told me because we have been so close and happy over the past year and it was just constantly nagging her that she was hiding it from me. She has been extremely apologetic and I feel quite sincere in her attempts to help me deal with it. We're not divorcing and I'm 100% sure that she is completely focused on us and our family. I just need to learn how to lock it up and throw away the key. I understand how and why it happened with this particular guy. Has anyone in my situation ever contacted the OM's spouse?
Osiris1234 Posted October 1, 2011 Posted October 1, 2011 Lots have. Call the spouse up, itll be hilarious.
nyrias2 Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 Thanks for all the unfiltered replies! She finally told me because we have been so close and happy over the past year and it was just constantly nagging her that she was hiding it from me. She has been extremely apologetic and I feel quite sincere in her attempts to help me deal with it. We're not divorcing and I'm 100% sure that she is completely focused on us and our family. I just need to learn how to lock it up and throw away the key. I understand how and why it happened with this particular guy. Has anyone in my situation ever contacted the OM's spouse? Sure. Do contact her. It is a way to get back at the OM anyway. Just know that it will not ease your pain though. You have to do that yourself.
sadcalifornian Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 I know you love your W, and upon seeing her cries and what seems to be true remorse, you want to forgive her and move on. I can see you are itching to do that. But, forgiving too fast and too easily is a big no no, in any case. There has to be consequences so that they truly learn the mistake they made and they will never do it again. The least of the consequence is the exposure to the OM's W. This also serves the purpose of completly sealing off any possibility of future contact as there are two sets of eyes watching them. Just because it happened a long time ago, do not go so easy on her. This is the least you should do. Contact the OM's W right now!
Space Ritual Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 Thanks for all the unfiltered replies! She finally told me because we have been so close and happy over the past year and it was just constantly nagging her that she was hiding it from me. She has been extremely apologetic and I feel quite sincere in her attempts to help me deal with it. We're not divorcing and I'm 100% sure that she is completely focused on us and our family. I just need to learn how to lock it up and throw away the key. I understand how and why it happened with this particular guy. Has anyone in my situation ever contacted the OM's spouse? Your wife is so full of crap her teeth are floating....So you will sweep this under the rug in the false belief that you can just "nice " your wife back to this marriage... Your distress has only just begun. Why don't you provide some specifics as to how you are 100 percent sure your wife has not taken this underground.. what you are getting is right out of the cheaters handbook, page 46....right under the sub section "Why don't you just get over it". sounds to me like the only reason she came out with this revelation is that your wife got thrown under the bus by one of the Other men, or someone was going to expose her so she just decided to beat them to the punch. Yeah I may sound bitter and harsh but every sackless wonder that comes through here with the "revelation" tends to believe it or that their situation is unique...it isn't. and they don;t discover that until its too late...
jnj express Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 Hey Mace---so you understand why and how it happened-----tell me, cuz I don't understand, in any way shape or form, how adultery, ESPECIALLY IF YOU HAVE SMALL CHILDREN, happens Mace, how DOES it happen that she took his phone call, walked across to the market, got in his car, drove to a country road, and spread her legs for him---I DON'T UNDERSTAND, explain it to ME You just don't wanna deal with it---didn't this all happen AFTER you asked her about her contacts with this guy, and she said she was going NC Your wife wasn't just dropped on the earth, she KNOWS what adultery is/does---she knows it wrecks lives, she knew it would wreck yours, yet she went anyway, Isn't it a fact she continued to use trips to her mothers, to hook up with this guy---how do you know for sure it was a one and done situation How do you know for sure she still isn't deeply underground hooking up---you can't tell me for sure, cuz you didn't know then, and you don't know now---as was pointed out above---why come clean, she was gonna take her dirty, dark, little secret to her grave, and it was safe--YOU KNEW NOTHING------why tell and wreck the lives of everyone around her----I don't think you KNOW AND UNDERSTAND ANYTHING
Author Mace Fremonti Posted October 4, 2011 Author Posted October 4, 2011 I managed to track down the OMW's work email address and contacted her.....she already knew! The OM told her when I clamped down on any contact. I was the only one who didnt know......sigh. After he told her he apparently needed A LOT of therapy to get over my wife. I also learned that there was quite a bit more to their teenage relationship. OM was the first guy that my wife ever performed oral sex on and vice versa. He was completely obsessed with her as a teenager and his obsession continued when they found each other on Facebook.....not an excuse for what happened but it does provide insight into their state of mind at the time.
sadcalifornian Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 Well, you did the right thing contacting the OMW. Your W seems remorseful and committed to M, so you just have to find a way to heal your wounds. I suggest finding good MC to help you deal with your recovery. Having said that, I do still have a lingering doubt that that one encounter was indeed the only sexual encounter they had. Sorry to put another doubt in your mind. But, I just couldn't help it.
jnj express Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 Good old facebook---the boon to adultery---before facebook, high school sweethearts didn't meet up, cuz they for the most part had moved on, and lost contact, but good old facebook, they took care of that problem Problem is that many high school sweethearts , were/are the 1st true love, or were serious relationships, and they were/are always there lingering in the backround, and now facebook, has let them loose on the world of mge.
drifter777 Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 I just need to learn how to lock it up and throw away the key. I understand how and why it happened with this particular guy. God, this is sad. You can lock it up and throw away the key, but it will come busting out at some point in the future - that is a guarantee. I'm not sure why you focus so much blame on the OM when your wife is the one who cheated and betrayed you. Let the OM deal with his own problems while you deal with yours. What you need more than anything right now is time to sort out your feelings and it doesn't sound as though you are equipped to do this yourself. You should start seeing a counselor as soon as possible as it can be a great help in getting at the feelings that you are trying to "lock" away. You also may need some time away from your wife as she is really not interested in your well-being right now; she is only interested in trying to convince you to "get over it" and let the past be the past. She told you about it because she was afraid the OM or his wife were going to tell you due to the emotional problems he was having in the wake of cheating with your wife. This is just my opinion, but it makes the most sense based on your story. You came to LS for some help, and if you only remember one thing it should be that your wife will NEVER tell you the truth about what happened between her and OM. She will take that to her grave. You simply cannot believe her account of the incident. Just about every BS who posts their story after D-day asks the same questions as you have. The answer is that how long the pain, shame, anger, and mental images last varies widely from person to person. Some of the hurt is permanent. Like you will never be able to fully trust her in the same way you trusted her before she betrayed you. And you will likely be plagued by mental images of her and OM screwing for years to come. All you can do is work to get your feelings out so you don't make yourself sick. If you decide you really want to stay with her and work on reconciliation, be prepared for a long, tough journey that can take years. The other option, divorce, may be equally tough in the beginning. But be aware that there are numerous threads on LS that support the fact that BS's who did divorce their cheating spouse have no regrets. Many of the ones who reconciled also believe they did the right thing, but there are many who regret that they stayed with the cheater who betrayed them.
aloneinnyc Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 I don't have advice, but I wanted to let you know you're not alone. We're in a similar situation. My H of 16 years cheated on me three months ago (with a woman who worked for him). They didn't have sex, but they made out 3 times, and I can't get the images out of my mind. I kicked him out of the house, and we've been separated since I found out. But we have a son, so I see him almost everyday because of that. And whenever I see him, I have those images of him grinding up against her with clothes on, kissing her and touching her, and it makes my physically sick. I can't imagine letting him touch me again. I know he's sorry, and he was planning on stopping it before sex (I caught him when I found a note he wrote about how they needed to end it even though they both wanted to go further). But it doesn't seem to matter. The trust is gone -- like you, I asked him when I became suspicious to tell me if something was wrong, but he lied. So, without trust and with those awful images in my head, I feel like there's not much hope for us. We're both in IC and in MC, and that's helped me see what might have been the underlying issues with him. But knowing that doesn't help me get the images out of my mind. I don't feel good about myself when he is around me; I feel like I have no respect for myself because I'm around someone who showed no respect for me or himself. (He got fired today because it violated company policy.) Anyhow, I just wanted to let you know I know what you're going through. Three months out, I feel the same way, and I don't see it ever ending.
Author Mace Fremonti Posted October 8, 2011 Author Posted October 8, 2011 So sorry to hear that. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one going through something like this. In a weird way it is comforting to find out that other people are feeling the same pain and confusion. Today is 2 months since D-day and I can honestly say it has gotten a LITTLE bit easier to deal with day to day. I really believe my wife truly loves me and is 100% on board for making US work. Although the pain comes from something she has done she has really been there for me the last few days and it has made a big difference...
Space Ritual Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 (edited) Mace, You did not answer the real question.... What makes you think your wife is 100 percent committed to reconciliation? was there a NC letter in place? Is she being transparent? Have you access to her passwords for all electronic and social media? Has she written out a timeline for you? Has she been an open book, answering any question you have without reservation and easily verifiable? You can believe your wife until the cows come home, but unless you have specifics and some very basic things such as these in place, then I'd say you are still getting buffaloed. as far a the pain going away....be prepared for another 2-5 years for you to be able to really say your wife loves you and is committed. Edited October 11, 2011 by Space Ritual
Bryanp Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 I am glad you are getting better but I have to tell you that I think her story is so full of holes and she sold you a bill of goods.
Author Mace Fremonti Posted October 11, 2011 Author Posted October 11, 2011 You have to remember when she came clean we were at a very good place in our relationship. I have all her passwords, I know all pertinent cell numbers, I know what she does and where she goes. Everything is 100% transparent. It took a little time but at present I've had all my questions answered - including all the intimate details- and I feel I know all there is to know. Maybe my situation is just an exception to the rule...I honestly believe she only saw him face to face that one night and all of their communication ended when I found out about the EA. I confirmed that by checking all the cell, home, and text phone logs between then and now. Over the last week or so I have really come to grips with what happened. The only problem now is that I am getting angrier and angrier at the OM and am constantly thinking of ways to completely f*ck his life up.........any suggestions?
sadcalifornian Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 Well, if law allows it, a shotgun to his groin might give you the satisfaction you are looking for, but... Frankly, he is just not worth it. Do not dwell on such thought. She is with you, and she loves you. I know he has taken something that should be yours only, but it's like he managed to get a taste of something yet can never have. He is the sad and pathetic loser in all this and leave it at that.
Farrah Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 Your article brings tears to my eyes. I know how it feels when you catch the one whose most precious to you with other people. I recently after being married one year caught my good looking husband gmailing, webcaming, texting multiple women.My world is shattered all I thought was true was not.I always had a gut feeling things were strange around his cell, lap top,...and recently without telling me he started a facebook with only pics of him and a japanese woman added to his friends list who lives in Vegas. Daisy Liao who refuses to know him. Again its not the girls its him.He is sick and for his sicknessfor lust he is losing the marriage. This is couplked with lies disappearing for three nites in a row,a travel pouch and a pair of clothes in his car, passwords on his lap top and cell. I finally got into his android and was sick to my stomach.I know its hard but move out.Take time off get busy working doing what you enjoy and seek group help.Sometimes removing yourself from that persons life no matter how long it takes for them to realize your importance is the only way...why would you be intimate with her. If a child misbehaves do we reward them with a candy or give them time out?Think with your mind not your heart. She needs to be deserving of your love right now she isnt.She is off track the path God designed for holy matrimony. First a little history...wife and I have been married for 16 years. She is the only woman with whom I have had sexual relations with. She comes from a divorced household and may have been sexually abused by her cousin when she was a child. During the time that we dated I learned that she was fairly naive as a young teenager and as a result she lost her virginity when she was 12 to a guy who she thought she loved. She had two serious relationships before she met me. The first one lasted for 2 years and ended amicably. The second one was five years long and ended when her fiance cheated on her and completely crushed her emotionally. She met me a few months later. She is the love of my life. When I met her there was no way I thought I had a chance just due to her sheer (in my eyes) beauty and sexual energy. Sort of the sexy cute country girl type of vibe. I pursued her with a passion though. Flowers, picnics, romantic walks...the whole nine yards. She was all I could think about. One ear later she asked ME to marry her! We had our son in 1997 and his sister arrived in 2001. To me all things seemed pretty normal...just the ups and downs of being married, having children, working, making ends meet etc.... In 2008 my wife discovered the joys of Facebook. She soon made contact with many of her friends from growing up including a couple of men. She was pretty upfront about it at the time and would tell me who she found and how they were doing. We'll call these guys EA1 and EA2. EA1 was someone she grew up with in her early teens. He lived a few houses down from my wife when she was living with her father. They were some feelings between the two at the time although nothing ever came of it. EA1 apparently always thought of my wife as the one girl in the neighborhood who he "let get away". They had last spoken sometime around 1990 and he currently lived about 3 hours away. EA1 was on his third marriage and had no children. I was aware of the fact that my wife and EA1 communicated both on Facebook and texting a few times a week but I never really was worried as she was pretty open about who she was talking to and when..hindsight is always 20/20! EA2 was best friends with my wife's ex fiance in high school. They had last spoken sometime in the mid 90's. EA2 seemed to be using my wife as therapy as he would usually be crying about love problems to her. EA2 still lived in the same neighborhood where he grew up...about an hour away. EA2 was single but had two children from a previous marriage. As with EA1 they would converse both on Facebook and texting a few times a week...again I really don't remember worrying about it too much at the time because my wife was so open about it....and again hindsight is 20/20! In April of 2010 I came home from work sick early one morning and was surprised to see my wife was home. I came in the house and heard her talking upstairs. I overhead my wife telling someone on the phone "...don't worry...is still tight...I'll be there....Saturday night....". Needless to say I was completely stunned....I recorded the rest of the conversation with my phone until my wife hung up and got in the shower. I quietly walked downstairs without her hearing me and waited for her to come downstairs. A few minutes later she did. Surprised that I was there she asked me why I was home. I asked her if there was something she needed to tell me and pushed play on my phone...after it finished playing I again asked her what was going on. She eventually told me that her and EA1 had been communicating for the past six months and had really connected. Back in March 2010 my wife had went to her mother's house one weekend to celebrate her birthday with her family. I usually work on Saturday so I didn't go. EA1's family rents out the house where he grew up and he was there that weekend working on it. He suggested that they get togethor and catch up face to face. She agreed. That night while she was out with her brother and his wife she met up with EA1 and they talked for a few hours, caught up on old times, hugged and said goodnight. I asked her if anything else happened or if they had met up again since then. She said that they hadn't met up again and the farthest anything went was just a hug. She told me that I overheard them making plans for the upcoming weekend (again I had to work and she was going to her mother's to hang out with her family.) Since they met in March EA1 had began calling and texting her everyday and it made her feel sexy, wanted and appreciated. She said that she really hadn't been happy with our relationship over the last year or so and that she felt we had drifted apart. She also told me that she communicated with EA2 everyday and that she had met up with him one time when she took our kids to a pizza arcade and he came with his kids. They talked about old times and watched the kids play. We talked the rest of the day and I let her know that she meant the world to me and if she was unhappy to TALK TO ME about it and I would do whatever I needed to make things right but she was going to have to cut all contact and communication with these guys to make this work. She agreed and a few days later she told me that she had informed both EA1 and EA2 that her husband and family came first and that she would not be contacting them anymore. She gave me their phone numbers and her Facebook password and also sent an email to EA1's wife saying she was sorry to have caused her any grief because apparently EA1 had to start going to therapy to get over my wife(!) - although I never got to read it..... In July of 2010 our family went on a cruise and had the time of our lives. The last year and half have been the most wonderful time of my life. My wife and I have been getting along unbelievably and the kids are great. It's exactly what a healthy marriage is supposed to be. Every so often I would check my wife's phone log, texts, and Facebook posts to make sure nothing was going on and discovered nothing. My life was just about perfect.... Until August 5th, 2011..... On that day, when I got home from work, my wife looked very sad. I asked her what was wrong and she said she had been struggling with something for a while now and needed to tell me something. She said she loved me and that she would not trade her current relationship with me and the kids for anything. What she told me next completely destroyed me in a matter of seconds...she told me that the on the night that she had met up with EA1 he had called her later that night after she had gone back to her mother's. He asked if she wanted to hang out some more and she said sure. He told her to walk across the street to the supermarket and he would pick her up. A few minutes later she hopped into his truck and they drove off down a back road. He stopped along the side of the road and they started talking. One thing led to another and they started kissing and eventually ended up having intercourse in the front seat of his truck. When they were done he drove her back to the supermarket and dropped her off..... I didn't know what to say. I felt completely surprised, angry, disgusted, sad, useless. I didn't know what to do or what I was supposed to do. All I could do was just cry. My wife kept telling me she was sorry and that it was a mistake. She said that he had brought condoms and had worn one and that he had pulled out before he ejaculated. She was crying, I was crying - it was the absolute worst moment in my life. I couldn't believe my beautiful wife who meant the whole world to me had sex with another man in his ****ing truck alongside a ****ing dirt road. I told her I needed sometime to think so that night she slept downstairs and I stayed in our room. I didn't sleep at all that night. I thought about EVERYTHING that night. Our whole lives togethor. Did she enjoy him? Was he built better than me? How could this happen? It was my fault. It was her fault. It was his fault. Should I find him and hurt him? Should I divorce her? Should I stay? What about the kids? It was a loooong night. By morning I had decided. She is the love of my life. Up until the night before our lives were perfect. Easy decision. I told her it was OK. That was the past. She was unhappy at the time and was most likely taken advantage of and manipulated by someone she thought was her friend. I told her we would survive this and be just fine...... The problem is that now September 28th WE are doing great but I am not. Not a day goes by that I don't think about him being inside her. Not a day goes by that I don't think about ****ing this guy up to within an inch of his life. Not a day goes by that I don't just cry at some point. When I'm intimate with my wife I picture them together. When does the pain go away? When does the hurting stop? When does it just fade away? When do I just stop thinking about it? WHEN?
robf1971 Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 I am getting angrier and angrier at the OM and am constantly thinking of ways to completely f*ck his life up.........any suggestions? Not for you to do. However, if he keeps hooking up with married women, one will eventually have a husband more prone to physical violence than you.
Author Mace Fremonti Posted October 27, 2011 Author Posted October 27, 2011 Finally decided that to get over this I need to confront the ******* that ****ed my wife...
analystfromhell Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 Before you confront anyone- what is your goal with this? My wife had an EA and I ended up mailing the guy's wife their conversations. This all happened between Jun and August of this year. So last week he comes up to me in the parking lot of my wife's work and introduces himself. I had no idea what he looked like and not sure how he knew me. First he assures me "nothing happened" and then, seething anger clear in his eyes and manner as he coursed, suggested that "next time" I talk to him "man to man". For a variety of reasons I passed up the opportunity to engage with the guy and just turned and said whatever before I hopped into my car. There's a lot more to the story of course but my point is - what do you hope this guy to do and what do you intend to do during this confrontation? I'm pretty sure he envisioned some course of events, none of which took place. Likewise, I got nothing out of it other than a reaffirmation in my mind that the guy is a colossal dick. What do you hope to happen?
Author Mace Fremonti Posted October 28, 2011 Author Posted October 28, 2011 I just feel like I have done nothing. This man essentially maneuvered my wife into being his sex toy by using their past teenage relationship and the state of our marriage at the time. He hasn't paid for his crime. I want to get into his head like he is in mine. I want him to wonder everyday is this the day I pay for my misdeeds? I want him to quiver and cry in front of me. I want to see him for the insignificant piece of garbage that he is. I want to give him unending mental torture. I NEED him to PAY!
Space Ritual Posted October 28, 2011 Posted October 28, 2011 I just feel like I have done nothing. This man essentially maneuvered my wife into being his sex toy by using their past teenage relationship and the state of our marriage at the time. He hasn't paid for his crime. I want to get into his head like he is in mine. I want him to wonder everyday is this the day I pay for my misdeeds? I want him to quiver and cry in front of me. I want to see him for the insignificant piece of garbage that he is. I want to give him unending mental torture. I NEED him to PAY! WRONG! Listen to me.... You are placing way too much blame on the other man, when in fact you should placing the blame squarely where it rests...on your cheating wife. He did not recite any vows to you, your wife did. By doing this, you are doing exactly what I knew you would, allowing your wife a "get out of jail free card" while she convinces you she really has no blame in this. It was all him. He had the writing skills of Shakepeare, the manipulation powers of Rev. Jim Jones, and the cock of Ron Jeremy... only those three things matter as he suckered your wife into a late night bone fest in his pickup truck.....yep its all his fault. Mace, I will try to be as gentle as possible.... Get your head out of your ass You are obsessing on the Other Man without realizing that it could have been ANY other Man. This was your wife's decision...all on her own. ONLY when you begin to realize that and hold your WIFE accountable for her actions will you even begin to recover. Your specifics on the transparency were a non-starter. Your situation is nowhere near unique. I',m sorry, for we all feel the same way and that no one has ever been in our situation...could not possibly feel the way you do... Read some threads....you'll find yourself in everyone else's posts. Please stop wishing thsi will go away if you just "nice" your marriage along. The reason I am so adamant about what I say is that I was once in sort of your shoes. I was the guy that walked in on my fiance and one of my friends. I was the one who decided to take immediate and brutal physical action. I was the one who spent YEARS behind bars for that decision. If there is a poster boy for misplaced anger, its me. I am still paying the jackwagon's medical bills nearly 20 years later....don't be me, Mace.
Space Ritual Posted October 28, 2011 Posted October 28, 2011 Did your wife ever send this guy a No Contact Letter after her confession? Have you installed a keylogger? sounds like you are taking all her excuses as Gospel. Look, It's up to you how you want to handle it, and none of us can blame you for wanting to keep your marriage. It's obvious you love her, hence why you are in this mini rage phase. But just be warned that this is only the beginning and without some real honesty form your wife, your life is about as good as it going to ever be at thsi point, and I suspect you will have more frequent bouts of this rage. Get into some IC for yoruself, and attempt a 180......
Space Ritual Posted October 28, 2011 Posted October 28, 2011 I did not say it was totally wrong to have negative feelings against the OM. Those feelings are natural. However I do have a problem with Mace's wishes for such a confrontation. Speaking from experience I wish I could have taken mine back,(confrontation, as I chose to let mine spin out of control, and although I walked in on them in the act, I could have responded in better way than putting someone in the hospital, and losing my freedom(which I did). If you read Mace's last 2 posts, I sensed he has basically absolved his wife of any wrongdoing and as opposed to really looking at the problem (his wife) he continues to see it as manipulation in toto by the Other man, and believing that his wife had absolutely no free will not only in engaging in the act, but also in keeping it from him. what that does is give Mace a false sense of fighting for his wife's tainted honor when in reality she tainted it herself by spreading her legs for another guy in his pickup truck. And has subsequently brow beaten him with a modern day cheaters version of the Nuremburg defense and he has decided rather than face the truth, that if he acts indignant that he can sweep this under the rug and it will just return to like it never happened. Look I hope Mace finds what he is looking for, but until he shows his wife some consequences she knows she will be able to keep Mace in the Cage and eventually when things are not going well, or when she just does not want to talk about it anymore, she will be right back at it....wanting Mace to just get over it...
Space Ritual Posted October 28, 2011 Posted October 28, 2011 (edited) Yeah I would never advocate acting like I did. I have had the luxury of 20 years to revisit those few moments of my life every now and again. More ashamed of myself that I was not able to walk away(but it was kind of hard to being it was my home...lol). Originally I thought I had made out worse than anyone in the situation (my actions cost me 4 years in jail, A violent felony on my record and the loss of my career). It took me nearly 2 decades to build my life back up from what I did. But in the end I am better off now than I was. Just sucked that my decision made in anger has effected every day of my life since. But I have no one to blame but myself. I just know that when it comes down to these confrontations that no good will come out of it. Edited October 28, 2011 by Space Ritual spelling...sorry I'm American
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