Trying to deal with wive's EA that turned into a ONS...*very long

[Mace Fremonti]

First a little history...wife and I have been married for 16 years. She is the only woman with whom I have had sexual relations with. She comes from a divorced household and may have been sexually abused by her cousin when she was a child. During the time that we dated I learned that she was fairly naive as a young teenager and as a result she lost her virginity when she was 12 to a guy who she thought she loved. She had two serious relationships before she met me. The first one lasted for 2 years and ended amicably. The second one was five years long and ended when her fiance cheated on her and completely crushed her emotionally. She met me a few months later.

 

She is the love of my life. When I met her there was no way I thought I had a chance just due to her sheer (in my eyes) beauty and sexual energy. Sort of the sexy cute country girl type of vibe. I pursued her with a passion though. Flowers, picnics, romantic walks...the whole nine yards. She was all I could think about. One ear later she asked ME to marry her!

 

We had our son in 1997 and his sister arrived in 2001. To me all things seemed pretty normal...just the ups and downs of being married, having children, working, making ends meet etc....

 

In 2008 my wife discovered the joys of Facebook. She soon made contact with many of her friends from growing up including a couple of men. She was pretty upfront about it at the time and would tell me who she found and how they were doing. We'll call these guys EA1 and EA2.

 

EA1 was someone she grew up with in her early teens. He lived a few houses down from my wife when she was living with her father. They were some feelings between the two at the time although nothing ever came of it. EA1 apparently always thought of my wife as the one girl in the neighborhood who he "let get away". They had last spoken sometime around 1990 and he currently lived about 3 hours away. EA1 was on his third marriage and had no children. I was aware of the fact that my wife and EA1 communicated both on Facebook and texting a few times a week but I never really was worried as she was pretty open about who she was talking to and when..hindsight is always 20/20!

 

EA2 was best friends with my wife's ex fiance in high school. They had last spoken sometime in the mid 90's. EA2 seemed to be using my wife as therapy as he would usually be crying about love problems to her. EA2 still lived in the same neighborhood where he grew up...about an hour away. EA2 was single but had two children from a previous marriage. As with EA1 they would converse both on Facebook and texting a few times a week...again I really don't remember worrying about it too much at the time because my wife was so open about it....and again hindsight is 20/20!

 

 

In April of 2010 I came home from work sick early one morning and was surprised to see my wife was home. I came in the house and heard her talking upstairs. I overhead my wife telling someone on the phone "...don't worry...is still tight...I'll be there....Saturday night....". Needless to say I was completely stunned....I recorded the rest of the conversation with my phone until my wife hung up and got in the shower. I quietly walked downstairs without her hearing me and waited for her to come downstairs. A few minutes later she did.

 

Surprised that I was there she asked me why I was home. I asked her if there was something she needed to tell me and pushed play on my phone...after it finished playing I again asked her what was going on. She eventually told me that her and EA1 had been communicating for the past six months and had really connected. Back in March 2010 my wife had went to her mother's house one weekend to celebrate her birthday with her family. I usually work on Saturday so I didn't go. EA1's family rents out the house where he grew up and he was there that weekend working on it. He suggested that they get togethor and catch up face to face. She agreed.

 

That night while she was out with her brother and his wife she met up with EA1 and they talked for a few hours, caught up on old times, hugged and said goodnight. I asked her if anything else happened or if they had met up again since then. She said that they hadn't met up again and the farthest anything went was just a hug. She told me that I overheard them making plans for the upcoming weekend (again I had to work and she was going to her mother's to hang out with her family.) Since they met in March EA1 had began calling and texting her everyday and it made her feel sexy, wanted and appreciated. She said that she really hadn't been happy with our relationship over the last year or so and that she felt we had drifted apart.

 

She also told me that she communicated with EA2 everyday and that she had met up with him one time when she took our kids to a pizza arcade and he came with his kids. They talked about old times and watched the kids play.

 

We talked the rest of the day and I let her know that she meant the world to me and if she was unhappy to TALK TO ME about it and I would do whatever I needed to make things right but she was going to have to cut all contact and communication with these guys to make this work. She agreed and a few days later she told me that she had informed both EA1 and EA2 that her husband and family came first and that she would not be contacting them anymore. She gave me their phone numbers and her Facebook password and also sent an email to EA1's wife saying she was sorry to have caused her any grief because apparently EA1 had to start going to therapy to get over my wife(!) - although I never got to read it.....

 

In July of 2010 our family went on a cruise and had the time of our lives. The last year and half have been the most wonderful time of my life. My wife and I have been getting along unbelievably and the kids are great. It's exactly what a healthy marriage is supposed to be. Every so often I would check my wife's phone log, texts, and Facebook posts to make sure nothing was going on and discovered nothing. My life was just about perfect....

 

Until August 5th, 2011.....

 

On that day, when I got home from work, my wife looked very sad. I asked her what was wrong and she said she had been struggling with something for a while now and needed to tell me something. She said she loved me and that she would not trade her current relationship with me and the kids for anything. What she told me next completely destroyed me in a matter of seconds...she told me that the on the night that she had met up with EA1 he had called her later that night after she had gone back to her mother's. He asked if she wanted to hang out some more and she said sure. He told her to walk across the street to the supermarket and he would pick her up. A few minutes later she hopped into his truck and they drove off down a back road. He stopped along the side of the road and they started talking. One thing led to another and they started kissing and eventually ended up having intercourse in the front seat of his truck. When they were done he drove her back to the supermarket and dropped her off.....

 

I didn't know what to say. I felt completely surprised, angry, disgusted, sad, useless. I didn't know what to do or what I was supposed to do. All I could do was just cry.

 

My wife kept telling me she was sorry and that it was a mistake. She said that he had brought condoms and had worn one and that he had pulled out before he ejaculated. She was crying, I was crying - it was the absolute worst moment in my life. I couldn't believe my beautiful wife who meant the whole world to me had sex with another man in his ****ing truck alongside a ****ing dirt road.

 

I told her I needed sometime to think so that night she slept downstairs and I stayed in our room. I didn't sleep at all that night. I thought about EVERYTHING that night. Our whole lives togethor. Did she enjoy him? Was he built better than me? How could this happen? It was my fault. It was her fault. It was his fault. Should I find him and hurt him? Should I divorce her? Should I stay? What about the kids? It was a loooong night.

 

By morning I had decided. She is the love of my life. Up until the night before our lives were perfect. Easy decision. I told her it was OK. That was the past. She was unhappy at the time and was most likely taken advantage of and manipulated by someone she thought was her friend. I told her we would survive this and be just fine......

 

The problem is that now September 28th WE are doing great but I am not. Not a day goes by that I don't think about him being inside her. Not a day goes by that I don't think about ****ing this guy up to within an inch of his life. Not a day goes by that I don't just cry at some point.

 

When I'm intimate with my wife I picture them together.

 

When does the pain go away?

 

When does the hurting stop?

 

When does it just fade away?

 

When do I just stop thinking about it?

 

WHEN?

[Chi townD]

Dude, you just found out a little more than a month ago. You're riding the roller coaster of emotions and it's going to get worse before it get any better. I strongly suggest that you go to marriage counseling. Reconciliation from a cheating spouse can take YEARS to get over. And you never fully get over it. You'll always remember that you were betrayed.

[Bryanp]

She claims he brought a condom to screw her in a truck alongside a dirt road but pulled out before ejaculation. What is wrong with this picture? If he was using a condom then why would he not finish within her. If she was telling you the truth (which I doubt) the only reason he pulled out was because he was not wearing a condom. How could you buy this story? I am sorry what you are going through but it is quite common that the cheating spouse never tells you the full story.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

If (and only if) this was a 1X thing, the hurt the OP feels and the obsession, not of the cheating, but if the OM was better, bigger, what they did, why...... pretty much sums up how many men (in particular) respond. Also see Dark Prince's posts and the how it is all about the OM and what they did to their spouse's during the SEX act.

 

Also the EA component is spurious or you can simply say shows the weakness and issues in the marriage.

 

Take a deep look at what was missing, why your spouse would physically cheat and why she told you.

Edited September 29, 2011 by Toodamnpragmatic

[nofool4u]

When does the pain go away?

 

after you divorce her and find a decent and good woman

 

 

When does the hurting stop?

 

to get rid of the hurt, you have to get rid of the source, your wife

 

When does it just fade away?

 

When do I just stop thinking about it?

 

WHEN?

 

same as written above.

 

and I say these things in all seriousness.

 

if you stay with her, you will always be haunted by what she did.

 

don't you ever wonder what a great life you can have with another woman? a good woman?

 

hell, forget being with another woman. you can have a much better life being single!! I'm living that now and enjoy the company of women here and there.

 

and I can tell you if I had stayed with my wife, the memories of what she did would still hurt today. I'd look at her from time to time and wonder why I am settling for a cheating dirtbag.

 

You need to do what you think is right for you. I'm simply telling you like it is from my perspective.

 

But what I can tell you is, if you stay with her you will never be truly at peace.

[nofool4u]

Take a deep look at what was missing, why your spouse would physically cheat and why she told you.

 

 

the "whys" are nothing but excuses. she'll learn a very valuable lesson if he does this, and that lesson is: when I screw other men, I can get hubby to act how I want.

[reboot]

When I'm intimate with my wife I picture them together.

 

When does the pain go away?

 

When does the hurting stop?

 

When does it just fade away?

 

When do I just stop thinking about it?

 

WHEN?

 

You won't ever forget it, but you can learn to manage it, and for most people, it takes years. After only a month, you're still on the raw edge.

[Untouchable_Fire]

The problem is that now September 28th WE are doing great but I am not. Not a day goes by that I don't think about him being inside her. Not a day goes by that I don't think about ****ing this guy up to within an inch of his life. Not a day goes by that I don't just cry at some point.

When I'm intimate with my wife I picture them together.

When does the pain go away?

When does the hurting stop?

When does it just fade away?

When do I just stop thinking about it?

WHEN?

 

It never goes away. You can get to a point where you control it.

 

However, I can say first hand that it vanishes permanently if you find someone else to love.

[nofool4u]

why manage or control the pain or frustration, when you can just get rid of it?

 

why stay with someone you have to wonder about for the rest of your life?

 

I can tell you from my experience that NOTHING is better than getting rid of a cheater and finding someone decent. Or hell, just dating around and having to answer to nobody for a while.

 

don't manage or control the pain and anguish, get rid of it.

[reboot]

why manage or control the pain or frustration, when you can just get rid of it?

 

why stay with someone you have to wonder about for the rest of your life?

 

I can tell you from my experience that NOTHING is better than getting rid of a cheater and finding someone decent. Or hell, just dating around and having to answer to nobody for a while.

 

don't manage or control the pain and anguish, get rid of it.

 

That's really easy for you to say, not always so easy to do in real life. For most of us, our emotions can't be turned on and off like a faucet. Bravo that you can, but not all of us are able to.

[DepressedinDenver]

I don't know if it ever goes away. I am currently in the middle of divoce and it is still there looming high.

 

You guys are not fine. It has only been a month and this is obviously killing you. You can't keep it all in that is not healthy. I think you need to seriously consider separation. You have made some rash decisions in only a month. Your wife seems to need outside connections and that may not stop with you taking her back and forgiving her so damn fast.

[DepressedinDenver]

why manage or control the pain or frustration, when you can just get rid of it?

 

why stay with someone you have to wonder about for the rest of your life?

 

I can tell you from my experience that NOTHING is better than getting rid of a cheater and finding someone decent. Or hell, just dating around and having to answer to nobody for a while.

 

don't manage or control the pain and anguish, get rid of it.

 

And I agree with this. It helps a whole lot getting away from someone whose love for you is suspect and best.

[Owl]

why manage or control the pain or frustration, when you can just get rid of it?

 

why stay with someone you have to wonder about for the rest of your life?

 

I can tell you from my experience that NOTHING is better than getting rid of a cheater and finding someone decent. Or hell, just dating around and having to answer to nobody for a while.

 

don't manage or control the pain and anguish, get rid of it.

 

According to several friends of mine, the pain doesn't mystically vanish all on it's own the moment the divorce decree is final either.

 

I know several friends who are divorced...some due to infidelity...and the pain didn't just up and vanish completely.

 

What deals with the pain is dealing with the problem. Some marriages can recover...some cannot.

 

There's no magic eraser to make it go away once it's happened.

 

I"d suggest that the OP consider marriage counseling and/or individual counseling to help him sort through all of his emotions right now, and to help him decide if their marriage is recoverable, or not. And further, if it is, to help him sort through what needs to happen in order for him to recover personally AND as a couple.

 

Time, and dealing with the problem, will be the only "answer" to his questions. Whether that includes keeping his wife in his life in the future or not remains to be determined.

[nofool4u]

That's really easy for you to say, not always so easy to do in real life.

 

sure it is, I've done it. mind you divorce is difficult when going through it, but once its over, the world has been lifted of your shoulders. which, IMO, is better than a lifetime of grief, even if suppressed.

 

 

For most of us, our emotions can't be turned on and off like a faucet. Bravo that you can, but not all of us are able to.

 

understood, but this is precisely why I advise leaving after being crapped on. because it will be a roller coaster of emotions that doesn't do anyone any good, and that can be alleviated by excising the betrayer from your life.

[nofool4u]

According to several friends of mine, the pain doesn't mystically vanish all on it's own the moment the divorce decree is final either.

 

Oh I agree. but it will diminish quicker, IMO, than staying with someone you can't trust. and when that person starts dating again, I guarantee life feels MUCH better.

 

now I know you reconciled your marriage, and congrats. I think, however, it is rare when staying with a cheater is a good thing. but I'd consider you one in a million.

[reboot]

But he wants to stay with his wife, so you're giving him the wrong advice. He wants to know how to deal with his raw emotions, his mind movies, his fears. I daresay he already knows he can just leave. That's pretty useless advice for this particular poster.

[Owl]

Oh I agree. but it will diminish quicker, IMO, than staying with someone you can't trust. and when that person starts dating again, I guarantee life feels MUCH better.

 

Well, see here's the thing. I would never, ever recommending being married to someone you can't trust.

 

But...there's also the question of who is more trustworthy...someone who cheated, went through the painful end of that relationship, and then stuck around to learn from their foolishness, and actually addressed their issues that led them to become an untrustworthy person...or...someone who's never gone through that painful learning experience and come out with that same knowledge?

 

That's why I might recommend reconciliation with someone who cheated ONCE...but I never recommend reconciliation with a serial cheater....because they've demonstrated that they CAN'T/WON'T learn from bitter experience.

 

No relationship is immune to the possibility of cheating. Not a brand new one with someone you're just learning about, and not a marriage that's been up and running for 30 years.

 

now I know you reconciled your marriage, and congrats. I think, however, it is rare when staying with a cheater is a good thing. but I'd consider you one in a million.

 

Thanks. In all honesty, I don't think the odds are quite that bad. They're not always good...don't take me wrong. Many marriages cannot recover. But many can. The people who determine that are the ones in the marriages, and how they address the problems that led to the affair as well as the problems created by it.

[nofool4u]

But he wants to stay with his wife, so you're giving him the wrong advice.

 

that being the case, only words I can offer to his questions are:

 

he will never forget what she did

 

he will have triggers that cause him pain here and there

 

he will never be truly trusting of her again. maybe some can be gained back, but certainly not all

 

 

He wants to know how to deal with his raw emotions, his mind movies, his fears. I daresay he already knows he can just leave. That's pretty useless advice for this particular poster.

 

counseling, but I think its a waste. a counselor cannot erase his memory.

 

just like a counselor wouldn't have been able to erase mine. I still have flashbacks once in a blue moon even now that I am not with her, but they no longer hurt whatsoever

[nofool4u]

Well, see here's the thing. I would never, ever recommending being married to someone you can't trust.

 

But...there's also the question of who is more trustworthy...someone who cheated, went through the painful end of that relationship, and then stuck around to learn from their foolishness, and actually addressed their issues that led them to become an untrustworthy person...or...someone who's never gone through that painful learning experience and come out with that same knowledge?

 

the latter. and the latter deserves the benefit of the doubt.

 

 

 

No relationship is immune to the possibility of cheating. Not a brand new one with someone you're just learning about, and not a marriage that's been up and running for 30 years.

 

I agree. but its like asking, which is safer to get, a pit bull, or a yorkshire terrier? of course the yorkie is safer, but that doesn't mean you won't get bit at least once. but why put yourself in harms way with an animal that has more of a killer instinct?

[Owl]

I can see your viewpoint, even though I don't agree. Guess we'll have to respectfully agree to disagree, and both continue to offer our advice to the OP. I've got no issue with that...the world would be a boring place if everyone always agreed.

[Osiris1234]

Just to let you know you have her on your leesh so you can literally demand anything from her at this point. This is gonna take a very long time for you to get over this so she should doing everything in her power (no matter how exhausted she gets). SHE ****ed up and owes it to you to do anything to fix it.

 

Tell her you want a 3 some, im sure she is willing to do it since hirting you. It is every guys fantasy to have a 3 some and youll get 2 women at once!

 

:cool:

[sadcalifornian]

One thing that puzzles me is why she confessed now after all that time. I suspect she wants to alleviate her guilt maybe. But, I have a nagging feeling that there is more to the story. D or R is upto the OP, but he must try digging for the truth even if it means to demand polygraph.

 

I agree that even D will not get rid of the pain immediately, but I do think the pain will go away more quickly if he can find suitable replacement soon. But, I in no way want to push him to seek D just to lessen the pain. He must look at her as a whole if he wants to grow old with this particular person. If she feels worth it, then he should seek MC or what else to find peace in his heart.

 

OP may not acknowledge this, but the big part of the pain comes from the fact he cannot trust her as he once used to and he still does not know the complete truth. So, I strongly recommend him to dig for the truth with all his might, and then and only then he may feel her remorse to be genuine and may be able to reconnect.

Edited September 29, 2011 by sadcalifornian

[nofool4u]

I can see your viewpoint, even though I don't agree. Guess we'll have to respectfully agree to disagree, and both continue to offer our advice to the OP. I've got no issue with that...the world would be a boring place if everyone always agreed.

 

absolutely agree

[nofool4u]

Just to let you know you have her on your leesh so you can literally demand anything from her at this point.

 

well, while its not quite like that, he should have the upper hand and she should let him have it without much complaint if she is every serious about making it up to him or making this work

[nyrias2]

that being the case, only words I can offer to his questions are:

 

he will never forget what she did

 

he will have triggers that cause him pain here and there

 

he will never be truly trusting of her again. maybe some can be gained back, but certainly not all

 

That is fair. And of course it is HIS decision to stay in a relationship with those conditions.

 

In the other thread about second wives in China, spouses have endured MUCH worse conditions to stay in a marriage. It is really up to the OP to decide.