26.2 Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 I started dating this guy I think is adorable. He makes me laugh, relaxes me, and the conversation flows easily. We were hanging out for about 3 weeks and everything was cool and casual, yet exclusive. I started to develop some deeper feelings for him recently and I had to call things to a halt yesterday. The reason for this is his chronic pot use. At least twice daily (usually morning and night) although not a whole lot at a time. I knew this before we started hanging out but I guess I didn't expect my feelings to develop. It matters to me now that I have formed an attachment to him because: 1. I have a problem with the daily pot use morally, 2. I have children and don't want this around them in the future, and 3. I can tell that the amount and years of his smoking has somewhat killed his motivation. He currently doesn't have a car and his job is not too great. I honestly feel that he could be amazing if he could stop this addiction. Anyway, I told him yesterday that I couldn't handle the pot thing and that it wasn't my place to judge him or try to change him and I know that we would end up fighting over this in the future. I said because of this, I felt like our best chances of salvaging the friendship (which was established for months before the 3 weeks of dating) was to stop sleeping together now. His response was "Sweet, I was pretty much over it too ... I didn't see anything going anywhere between us anyway." I found this to be pretty hurtful because I never said I was "over it" and the thought that he never saw anything serious with me burns . He then blocked me on facebook and quit responding to my texts in which I was trying to tell him I didn't want to quit hanging out, just not sleeping together. I'm trying to figure out if his response was out of hurt and defensiveness or if he really feels like I'm now a waste of time and it was fun while it lasted but "screw her now" if she's not gonna put out. It doesn't make sense that he would throw this away so easily, I spent time with his brother and mom and he started hanging out with my group of friends. On paper, he seems like a guy who a sensible goal oriented single mother shouldn't waste her time with. Face to face, he is one of the only guys I've ever really felt comfortable around and well, I just really really like him. Should I just leave him alone?
Hot Chick Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 Just let him go. He's a waste of space of a human being. I got to the first sentence of the 2nd paragraph. Yep, you did the right thing. He has probably never had a woman as classy as you, and is feeling pretty crappy which is why he was so defensive when you dumped his ass. Don't let a loser like this get to you. Don't have any contact with him whatsoever.
Trolly Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 I think that tend to be a little too forgiving and often give people the benefit of the doubt so I light of that I hope what I say is of value. I think that you should try to speak to him face to face and discuss the matter with him in a composed sensible matter. If doesn't comply then just let go of him. Normally I try to sort things out to the end, but his reaction and complete distancing from you is not warranted and certainly inappropriate. One chance to clear the air and that's it.
skelterhelter Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 I actually just got out of a similar situation, OP. Like you, I won't date a chronic pot smoker (or anyone with an addiction, really). In my experience (and I realize not everyone is the same), pot smokers never really go above and beyond for the relationship. The pot smoking will usually come first at the expense of YOU. And, sorry, but I feel I'm more important than a plant, so frankly I'd never date anyone who thought otherwise. It's also a compatibility issue. If you're wholeheartedly against pot smoking, you're never going to agree or feel comfortable with it no matter how hard you try. You were right not to change him -- it won't work. I'm sorry you're bummed about it I can totally understand. I really liked the guy I was dating too, but the pot smoking was just too big of an issue. My guy did apologize and try to get me back.... I'm wondering just how your guy felt about you, judging by his response. Seems very tactless to say he was "over it".
Feelin Frisky Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 He's what is known as a a55hole. Sometimes a55holes can be nice-looking and sweet-talking and pretty convincing that have everything figured out. But, the priority in the end is to stay the same and do what they do and make believe that they don't need to kick themselves in the ass and be someone for real. Sorry you've been burned. It happens to the best. Mary Jane use is an insidious thing that needs a very discerning mind to understand. I'm for decriminalization but with a radical change in education and health care to lead people to understand what the DEVELOPMENTAL risks are. I'm an ex pot head and can attest.
Cypress25 Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 Yeah, he only wanted you for sex. Without sex, he sees no point in spending time with you. Sorry, hon, I know it sucks. At least you only wasted 3 weeks on him and not 3 years!
Author 26.2 Posted September 29, 2011 Author Posted September 29, 2011 Thank you guys for responding! I think I knew deep down that I did the right thing, I just needed to hear it. I guess what bums me out the most is that I felt so comfortable with him... it was so nice for once! I am normally a pretty uptight worry wart. I over-analyse EVERYTHING. With him, I just felt totally ok, didn't really worry about what he was thinking and why he didn't call at specific times and such. I trusted him for some reason. I never trust anyone! So it stinks that he has this addiction. And yeah, his response was totally unexpected. He also said he didn't like being judged. I guess he just jumped to that reaction rather than really thinking about what I said. I really wasn't trying to judge him, just sparing us both the stress that would come later. I don't expect him to change for me. I also said that I thought he should be with someone who feels ok with his lifestyle. He does have plenty of girls willing to date him despite his negative qualities. I was hoping to keep the friendship. I thought I was being pretty reasonable.
AHardDaysNight Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 Yeah, I agree that you did the right thing. He sounds like someone who shouldn't be involved with a parent, or someone who wants kids. And plus, the drug use is just irresponsible.
Hot Chick Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 In addition to everything everyone else has stated and you have yourself stated - he's never going to be able to obtain a decent job if he continues smoking pot. All the places which hire that require you to have a brain require a drug test.
norajane Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 His response was "Sweet, I was pretty much over it too ... I didn't see anything going anywhere between us anyway." I also said that I thought he should be with someone who feels ok with his lifestyle.If he had just left off the first part, you two would have said almost the same thing to each other. You didn't see it going anywhere anyway, either, since you were telling him to find someone else. But, he had to say it in such an unflattering way! And then to just cut you off? Obviously, he wasn't the man you thought he was or could be. It's a shame, but this is not a man who can be a friend to you. You might be better off just letting it go and moving on.
Author 26.2 Posted September 29, 2011 Author Posted September 29, 2011 If he had just left off the first part, you two would have said almost the same thing to each other. You didn't see it going anywhere anyway, either, since you were telling him to find someone else. But, he had to say it in such an unflattering way! And then to just cut you off? Obviously, he wasn't the man you thought he was or could be. It's a shame, but this is not a man who can be a friend to you. You might be better off just letting it go and moving on. Yeah, sigh... He isn't who I thought he was. The crazy thing is that he got me going back to church! I went with him and his mother. It's rather ironic in a sense. He is quite devoted to his church and there were a couple times where I made him miss it unintentionally and I knew it bothered him. So now, I'm here telling him I have an issue with his addiction... and I did thank him for encouraging me to go back to church in the last text I sent. Man, lol! I am just going to hope that we both gave each other something. He brought me back to church and maybe, maybe I planted a tiny seed or added to the bigger picture which will eventually lead him to turn his life around. I don't expect it. But it just floors me that he goes to an alcoholics recovery service with his mom who attempted suicide earlier this year and is working on sobriety.
TheBigQuestion Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 In addition to everything everyone else has stated and you have yourself stated - he's never going to be able to obtain a decent job if he continues smoking pot. All the places which hire that require you to have a brain require a drug test. Uh, no. Patently false. The military, law enforcement, pharmaceuticals, certain other positions in the health industry, and a lot of retail jobs? Sure. Academia, research and development, IT, private law practices (I have personal experience there) generally don't drug test you. And even if they do, it's not difficult to detox, and most jobs don't drug test you on a regular basis.
The Outlaw Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 As much as it hurts to move on, you're better off without him. People like that don't make the best partners- And as you've already been told, you've done the right thing. But you would be better off finding someone who returns the feelings that you have for them. Good luck
Emilia Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 He will be in touch at a later stage but I'm guessing this isn't the first time that he got rejected over his useless pot smoking so he got mad. Potheads usually become aware at some point that the rest of society sees them as useless. That doesn't matter. If he isn't man enough to quit his addiction, he isn't man enough for anything else. No good would have come from dating him. I used to date a pothead and we had big rows over this because his previous girlfriend was a pothead too and he was surprised by my vehemence. Years later after he'd quit he told me I was the reason he started considering quitting. I made him realise he was wasting his life.
phillyfan Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 I started dating this guy I think is adorable. He makes me laugh, relaxes me, and the conversation flows easily. We were hanging out for about 3 weeks and everything was cool and casual, yet exclusive. I started to develop some deeper feelings for him recently and I had to call things to a halt yesterday. The reason for this is his chronic pot use. At least twice daily (usually morning and night) although not a whole lot at a time. I knew this before we started hanging out but I guess I didn't expect my feelings to develop. It matters to me now that I have formed an attachment to him because: 1. I have a problem with the daily pot use morally, 2. I have children and don't want this around them in the future, and 3. I can tell that the amount and years of his smoking has somewhat killed his motivation. He currently doesn't have a car and his job is not too great. I honestly feel that he could be amazing if he could stop this addiction. Anyway, I told him yesterday that I couldn't handle the pot thing and that it wasn't my place to judge him or try to change him and I know that we would end up fighting over this in the future. I said because of this, I felt like our best chances of salvaging the friendship (which was established for months before the 3 weeks of dating) was to stop sleeping together now. His response was "Sweet, I was pretty much over it too ... I didn't see anything going anywhere between us anyway." I found this to be pretty hurtful because I never said I was "over it" and the thought that he never saw anything serious with me burns . He then blocked me on facebook and quit responding to my texts in which I was trying to tell him I didn't want to quit hanging out, just not sleeping together. I'm trying to figure out if his response was out of hurt and defensiveness or if he really feels like I'm now a waste of time and it was fun while it lasted but "screw her now" if she's not gonna put out. It doesn't make sense that he would throw this away so easily, I spent time with his brother and mom and he started hanging out with my group of friends. On paper, he seems like a guy who a sensible goal oriented single mother shouldn't waste her time with. Face to face, he is one of the only guys I've ever really felt comfortable around and well, I just really really like him. Should I just leave him alone? Dude he was SO into u, n he is hurtin now, this is his way of movin on, he needs 2 shut u out completly. Dont think he didnt care but let him do his thng he needs space 2 get ova u. Also he kinda know wat u said was d truth, he knows he messed thngs up with the pot n the bad choices, but i guess its a big kick in the gut 2 be reminded of it by d girl he is so crazy about wen shes in the proces of dumpin him. But hey mayb ths is cwat he needed if it aint 2 late mayb he will sort his sh*t out n ull hav done him a big favor.
ShannonMI Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 I started dating this guy I think is adorable. He makes me laugh, relaxes me, and the conversation flows easily. We were hanging out for about 3 weeks and everything was cool and casual, yet exclusive. I started to develop some deeper feelings for him recently and I had to call things to a halt yesterday. The reason for this is his chronic pot use. At least twice daily (usually morning and night) although not a whole lot at a time. I knew this before we started hanging out but I guess I didn't expect my feelings to develop. It matters to me now that I have formed an attachment to him because: 1. I have a problem with the daily pot use morally, 2. I have children and don't want this around them in the future, and 3. I can tell that the amount and years of his smoking has somewhat killed his motivation. He currently doesn't have a car and his job is not too great. I honestly feel that he could be amazing if he could stop this addiction. Anyway, I told him yesterday that I couldn't handle the pot thing and that it wasn't my place to judge him or try to change him and I know that we would end up fighting over this in the future. I said because of this, I felt like our best chances of salvaging the friendship (which was established for months before the 3 weeks of dating) was to stop sleeping together now. His response was "Sweet, I was pretty much over it too ... I didn't see anything going anywhere between us anyway." I found this to be pretty hurtful because I never said I was "over it" and the thought that he never saw anything serious with me burns . He then blocked me on facebook and quit responding to my texts in which I was trying to tell him I didn't want to quit hanging out, just not sleeping together. I'm trying to figure out if his response was out of hurt and defensiveness or if he really feels like I'm now a waste of time and it was fun while it lasted but "screw her now" if she's not gonna put out. It doesn't make sense that he would throw this away so easily, I spent time with his brother and mom and he started hanging out with my group of friends. On paper, he seems like a guy who a sensible goal oriented single mother shouldn't waste her time with. Face to face, he is one of the only guys I've ever really felt comfortable around and well, I just really really like him. Should I just leave him alone? Yeah forget this guy. If he chooses weed over you then that should tell you everything you need to know. He responded that way out of defensiveness I would imagine. I just broke up with a guy that was a daily pot smoker. I tried to get him to quit and he didn't want to hear it. My issue with his pot smoking was the fact that he is bipolar and I felt the weed triggered his mania. I just couldn't deal with it anymore. Plus I just don't like pot. Period. There were also other reasons for the breakup, but the weed issue was a big one. So don't worry about this fool. Find someone else who doesn't have a drug addiction and who doesn't put it first over relationships, jobs, etc., etc. You deserve better then that.
homersheineken Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 In addition to everything everyone else has stated and you have yourself stated - he's never going to be able to obtain a decent job if he continues smoking pot. All the places which hire that require you to have a brain require a drug test. Huh? I know attorneys, doctors, judges and high level execs who smoke pot.
Author 26.2 Posted September 30, 2011 Author Posted September 30, 2011 Thanks you guys! You have no idea how much this is helping me. I did send him a text today kinda reiterating what I had said already but worded a little differently. I told him that I felt bad if he thought I was judging him and that I just knew we would fight about it later. I said I really liked him otherwise and I wished we could go back to the relationship we had before we slept together because it was fun when we hung out with my friends in a group. My girl friends all really like him because he's pretty funny and entertaining. Anyway his response was again surprising to me. He said, "You are hilarious! Of course we are friends and I'm down to hang out whenever. No hard feelings." So then I asked him if there was a particular reason why he blocked me on FB (not that it's really important but I was curious). To that he did not respond. A little while later I sent him another text because I thought maybe he didn't like being put on the spot, so I kinda flipped things around. I said, "I'm not gonna write about your penis size on your fb wall and I won't freak if you flirt with other girls, but if it makes you more comfy then it's cool how it is." To this he immediately replied, "Uh huuh :p" And then he said, "Guess what I'm doing right now? My first acrylic painting :)" So... hmmm. I was making a joke about the potential stalking, I seriously am not that kind of girl. And if I was the one to call things off, why would I do wacky stuff to his fb? I wonder if it just made him feel like he has the upper hand or something??? But it was cool that he wanted to talk to me about his painting . Just now I saw that he had sent me a message on fb earlier this morning thanking me for returning some redbox movies he had rented but I am still blocked so I'm wondering why he didn't just text that to me if he doesn't want to communicate via fb? This kinda feels like game playing :-/
Hot Chick Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 OK I think you are spending too much time thinking about this and worrying about this. He blocked you on FB, and doesn't owe you an explanation. It's clear that you are really hung up on this guy and it's clear that it won't work, so for your own good, go cold turkey with no contact. Stop thinking about it. And don't hang out with him anymore. You have kids. You should be spending your time parenting instead of texting and thinking about what this guy thinks about you and if he wants to be friends with you and hang out. Seriously. As a teacher, I have to say "Please go spend time with your kids and stop worrying about this crap. As teachers, we have to deal with the aftermath of parents like you who neglect their kids at home. Be a parent at home so we can teach your kids at school so we don't have to parent them as you should be doing yourself." OK, off my soapbox now.
Author 26.2 Posted October 1, 2011 Author Posted October 1, 2011 OK I think you are spending too much time thinking about this and worrying about this. He blocked you on FB, and doesn't owe you an explanation. It's clear that you are really hung up on this guy and it's clear that it won't work, so for your own good, go cold turkey with no contact. Stop thinking about it. And don't hang out with him anymore. You have kids. You should be spending your time parenting instead of texting and thinking about what this guy thinks about you and if he wants to be friends with you and hang out. Seriously. As a teacher, I have to say "Please go spend time with your kids and stop worrying about this crap. As teachers, we have to deal with the aftermath of parents like you who neglect their kids at home. Be a parent at home so we can teach your kids at school so we don't have to parent them as you should be doing yourself." OK, off my soapbox now. Lady, I will not even refer to you as a teacher if you are going to make such gross generalizations about someone's character having not ever met them in real life. I have joint custody of my sons. I have been posting this week when they have been with their dad. I am hardly ever on this website and I am an excellent mother. In truth, I have wasted too much thought on this guy. However, that is the only thing you are right about. Peace!
Author 26.2 Posted October 5, 2011 Author Posted October 5, 2011 Thought I'd update real quick... This guy refriended me on facebook. Yesterday he told me that he hasn't smoked pot in 3 days. He has a long way to go obviously, but I'm wondering about the likelihood of him actually quitting . I don't have my hopes up but I told him he should keep it up. He wants to see me Saturday night. Should I go? I would not be intimate with him. And he knows that I will not tolerate the pot at all anymore... ??
carhill Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 Give him a couple years in NA, perhaps with distant support, and reconsider a more intimate relationship then. Quitting for good is hard. Over that time, he can show other signs of responsibility, like having his own domicile and getting a car. At this point, he's not a healthy role-model for children nor a healthy companion for yourself. If you and he have a 'connection' in the non-Mary Jane world, it'll survive. Good luck.
sunshinegirl Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 Hi 26.2. Read your thread with interest because my husband used to be a chronic pot smoker -- years before I met him. Had we met then? Total dealbreaker, I wouldn't have gone there. His own description of how lethargic and unmotivated he was on pot would have made him completely uninteresting to me. By the time we met, though, he had independently decided to curtail the weed, and now it is an infrequent single toke with his buddies every 3-4 months. His tolerance is so low now that he doesn't like how he feels if he smokes more than that. My point? Two things: (1) it was his completely independent, self-motivated decision to stop smoking and (2) it didn't happen overnight. You don't really have either of things going for you with this guy.
Pasttense Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 "He wants to see me Saturday night. Should I go?" No. Wait a while before re-starting up the friendship. And when you do meet with him, do it with either his brother and his mom or your group of friends.
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