Have you gone long periods with no interest in anyone?

[TheSingleGuy]

So you make your interest known to a guy, he approaches, gets your phone number, pursues you and for whatever reason, you then decide you just aren't sexually attracted?

[Nexus One]

I have had such periods and they were often carefree. However that changed. For example right now there's no one in particular I'm crushing on. There has been that Emma Stone girl, but I haven't seen her for months, so that doesn't feel realistic anymore.

 

I have this desire to bond, yet it's not at all like sex drive. I'd say sex drive is easy to deal with. The desire to bond is not, because you can't quench it when you want to. Since December 2010 I've had this strong desire to bond and that feeling hasn't been leaving me alone for even one day since then, it has been unrelenting. I can't sleep and sh*t and I used to be an amazing sleeper. It's tearing me down.

 

Believe it or not, right now I feel no pressures in life, not regarding work/business, not regarding finance, not regarding my personal life...nothing at all. No pressure, except the pressure this desire to bond is putting on me, and like I said it's unrelenting, so it's pressing on me constantly and that's creating stress. That stress isn't only psychological, it's so intense that it becomes physical pain. It's like your organism punishes you for not having an SO.

 

Yet I'm focused on business right now and I have important things to finish first before I can fully focus on looking for the love of my life. The things is, it's like my organism is saying: "That's not my problem, I'll increase the pressure regardless, you are going to subject and submit, I'll make you."

There's no reasoning with it, how can you, it feels like there's only one way to lift that pressure and that's to do what it wants you to do. But I can't right now, so I'm in an unnatural situation, it's like different parts of me are at war with myself.

 

So right now I feel like this thing is either going to push me to greater heights, pushing and pulling me to exactly what I want in life, or it's going to tear me down to the point that it destroys me. It's that intense.

 

If this is what all guys start feeling when they hit 30, then may the universe have mercy on us.

 

And that's the first time I posted a sad smiley face on Loveshack.

[january2011]

You are a very, very lucky person. Great guys don't come along for me at all.

 

Perhaps yes, perhaps no. I have had one very long relationship that took up most of my adult dating life and I try to go for relationship-oriented guys, though there have been a few blips along way. I also live in a big metropolitan city where there are so many opportunities to meet people. When I'm single I also like to do and try lots of things and make the most of not having to invest resources into a partner.

 

It's okay to go for periods where you are not interested in anyone. However, I think that when you go for periods where no one is interested in you, that indicates that something might be amiss. In the first scenario, you might be too busy on other things but you're still getting expressions of interest even if they are not from people you want to say yes to. In the second scenario, you appear to be invisible or somehow behaving in a way that inhibits anyone from approaching you.

[iris219]

So you make your interest known to a guy, he approaches, gets your phone number, pursues you and for whatever reason, you then decide you just aren't sexually attracted?

 

It's more a compatibility thing. I quickly realize he's either an alcoholic, unemployed or underemployed, weird, rude, completely uninteresting, sleeps with lots of random women, etc., so I lose interest and move on.

[D-Lish]

How would you feel about going out alone? I've been considering this because I work late a couple nights a week, and thought it would be nice to go have a drink and dinner right after on my own, but I never do it.

 

It would probably be a good way to meet people.

 

For some reason, I have no issues going out alone while on vacation. The last time I went to Florida- I went out alone, made tons of friends, and scored a vacation boyfriend.

 

I don't know if I'd go out on my own now where I am. I think men would see me as a target or a slut.

[iris219]

I have this desire to bond, yet it's not at all like sex drive. I'd say sex drive is easy to deal with. The desire to bond is not, because you can't quench it when you want to. Since December 2010 I've had this strong desire to bond and that feeling hasn't been leaving me alone for even one day since then, it has been unrelenting. I can't sleep and sh*t and I used to be an amazing sleeper. It's tearing me down.

 

Believe it or not, right now I feel no pressures in life, not regarding work/business, not regarding finance, not regarding my personal life...nothing at all. No pressure, except the pressure this desire to bond is putting on me, and like I said it's unrelenting, so it's pressing on me constantly and that's creating stress. That stress isn't only psychological, it's so intense that it becomes physical pain. It's like your organism punishes you for not having an SO.

 

Yet I'm focused on business right now and I have important things to finish first before I can fully focus on looking for the love of my life. The things is, it's like my organism is saying: "That's not my problem, I'll increase the pressure regardless, you are going to subject and submit, I'll make you."

There's no reasoning with it, how can you, it feels like there's only one way to lift that pressure and that's to do what it wants you to do. But I can't right now, so I'm in an unnatural situation, it's like different parts of me are at war with myself.

 

So right now I feel like this thing is either going to push me to greater heights, pushing and pulling me to exactly what I want in life, or it's going to tear me down to the point that it destroys me. It's that intense.

 

If this is what all guys start feeling when they hit 30, then may the universe have mercy on us.

 

And that's the first time I posted a sad smiley face on Loveshack.

 

Sorry my post inspired a sad face.

 

I can SO relate to everything you've said. It's like having this deep unquenchable yearning, and nothing can make go away. It's not sexual at all. In fact, it makes the thought of random sex repulsive. I crave that same bond with another person as well and it's frustrating that everything else in my life is so good. I feel like I do everything "right" and yet I still can't find anyone.

[iris219]

For some reason, I have no issues going out alone while on vacation. The last time I went to Florida- I went out alone, made tons of friends, and scored a vacation boyfriend.

 

I don't know if I'd go out on my own now where I am. I think men would see me as a target or a slut.

 

That's exactly how I feel. It would be fine if I was on vacation, but not in my own city. We should try it sometime though! It might be worth it.

[thatone]

I'm sure, but I think this is much more difficult for women to do than for men. It would just feel weird (unless I was traveling and had no other option).

 

I'm prone to think that people negatively judge women if they're out alone. It's my own insecurity, I'm sure, which makes me think this.

 

What would you think if you saw a women at a bar or restaurant alone?

 

there was an attractive vietnamese girl who used to go to the restaurant that my dad and i both used for business meetings.

 

always alone, but no one ever approached her, whether she was at a table or the bar.

 

reason? the way she dressed.

 

i asked a waiter about her one day and it turns out she went to the casino in that area all the time, and didn't like the casino food so she came to eat at this place afterward. the reason she was never approached was the way she dressed, though, none of the bar crowd there paid any attention to her. always in a white blouse with a jacket, no cleavage, usually pants but if a skirt it was to the knee.

 

how you're dressed determines what men will assume of you without talking to you. put on your best slut wear, and you'll get players. go in the more conservative clothes that you probably go to work in, and you'll get people just looking for conversation.

[Nexus One]

Sorry my post inspired a sad face.

 

I can SO relate to everything you've said. It's like having this deep unquenchable yearning, and nothing can make go away. It's not sexual at all. In fact, it makes the thought of random sex repulsive. I crave that same bond with another person as well and it's frustrating that everything else in my life is so good. I feel like I do everything "right" and yet I still can't find anyone.

 

I guess you're in a somewhat similar situation as I am, however you can't find a compatible guy. My problem is that I have to control myself from hitting on women for the time being, because right now I have other priorities.

 

Some time ago there was this girl waiting in front of me somewhere. She was beautiful and she was constantly turning around and looking deeply into my eyes and I looked back into hers. And I could see she was so hoping I would hit on her, but I didn't. Then when she had to leave, she looked back at me one more time with the saddest look on her face. She was sad I didn't hit on her and asked her out, I just know it, even though not a word was said. And I felt so sorry, I still feel sorry for that. Not just towards her, but towards myself.

Edited September 29, 2011 by Nexus One

[LadyWriter]

 

I have this desire to bond, yet it's not at all like sex drive. I'd say sex drive is easy to deal with. The desire to bond is not, because you can't quench it when you want to. Since December 2010 I've had this strong desire to bond and that feeling hasn't been leaving me alone for even one day since then, it has been unrelenting. I can't sleep and sh*t and I used to be an amazing sleeper. It's tearing me down.

 

Believe it or not, right now I feel no pressures in life, not regarding work/business, not regarding finance, not regarding my personal life...nothing at all. No pressure, except the pressure this desire to bond is putting on me, and like I said it's unrelenting, so it's pressing on me constantly and that's creating stress. That stress isn't only psychological, it's so intense that it becomes physical pain. It's like your organism punishes you for not having an SO.

 

Yet I'm focused on business right now and I have important things to finish first before I can fully focus on looking for the love of my life. The things is, it's like my organism is saying: "That's not my problem, I'll increase the pressure regardless, you are going to subject and submit, I'll make you."

There's no reasoning with it, how can you, it feels like there's only one way to lift that pressure and that's to do what it wants you to do. But I can't right now, so I'm in an unnatural situation, it's like different parts of me are at war with myself.

 

So right now I feel like this thing is either going to push me to greater heights, pushing and pulling me to exactly what I want in life, or it's going to tear me down to the point that it destroys me. It's that intense.

 

If this is what all guys start feeling when they hit 30, then may the universe have mercy on us.

 

And that's the first time I posted a sad smiley face on Loveshack.

 

This produced a real-life sad smiley for me.

 

I can relate to the situation, and the intensity...then I scold myself for feeling that way at my age, when everyone keeps telling me "You've got plenty of time left." Well excuse me, but until they know what it's like, they can't possibly understand. It's an incredibly intense feeling and not something I would wish on my worse enemy, seriously!

[iris219]

I guess you're in a somewhat similar situation as I am, however you can't find a compatible guy. My problem is that I have to control myself from hitting on women for the time being, because right now I have other priorities.

 

Some time ago there was this girl waiting in front of me somewhere. She was beautiful and she was constantly turning around and looking deeply into my eyes and I looked back into hers. And I could see she was so hoping I would hit on her, but I didn't. Then when she had to leave, she looked back at me one more time with the saddest look on her face. She was sad I didn't hit on her and asked her out, I just know it, even though not a word was said. And I felt so sorry, I still feel sorry for that. Not just towards her, but towards myself.

 

This thing is just f*cking ridiculous, because this is not how people are supposed to live. A man should be able to be a man. It frustrates me so badly, it's tearing me in half. I so want this situation to end, I'm pushing myself so hard to make it happen as fast as I can, but I can't control every variable. I'm at the mercy of things outside of my control.

 

Hmm, I can't say I've had to refrain from looking at/flirting with a man I found attractive, and I'm not sure why I would (unless he wasn't single). I don't know the specifics of why you don't approach women, and you don't have to reveal that info if it's personal. I hope your situation improves soon. I hate feeling like things are out my control as well.

 

I wonder if the lack of an intimate, emotional bond gets easier to accept after awhile. It's beyond feeling lonely. It's a heaviness that's always there, no matter what I do. There always something lacking, something missing because of the desire to have this bond with someone. The desire is always there, but I try to suppress it by staying busy.

[Nexus One]

It's an incredibly intense feeling and not something I would wish on my worse enemy, seriously!

 

I've had the exact same thought. Must be something to it that makes a person think that. And I think that "something" is suffering. It feels like deprivation of the fulfillment of the desire to bond, i.e. feeling deprived of love.

 

It makes me realize humans need love, they need it like water.

[Nexus One]

Hmm, I can't say I've had to refrain from looking at/flirting with a man I found attractive, and I'm not sure why I would (unless he wasn't single). I don't know the specifics of why you don't approach women, and you don't have to reveal that info if it's personal. I hope your situation improves soon. I hate feeling like things are out my control as well.

 

Technically I could hit on women, but I have several goals set for myself regarding some business related stuff and that has priority. But like I said, some things are outside of my control. I've had a pretty sh*tty business month, I've missed out on several small and large business deals due to people being slow or not focused and a supplier of mine also made a huge mistake that could have cost me a lot of money, but I dodged that bullet for the most part. Those things in itself don't cause me stress though, it's just money I missed out on, but it causes me to have to push my love life ahead.

 

I was secretly hoping I would have reached my business goals before my 30th birthday. But I might be looking at another 1 or 1.5 years. Sigh.

 

I wonder if the lack of an intimate, emotional bond gets easier to accept after awhile. It's beyond feeling lonely. It's a heaviness that's always there, no matter what I do. There always something lacking, something missing because of the desire to have this bond with someone. The desire is always there, but I try to suppress it by staying busy.

 

I feel the same way, but even when busy, it's always there in the background.

 

That being said Iris, how are you going to solve your problem, i.e. the problem of not being able to find a compatible guy. You said you're in a small town and you're stuck there. At least I'll be "off the hook" once I've reached my goals, but what about you? How can you solve that predicament?

Edited September 29, 2011 by Nexus One

[LadyWriter]

And I think that "something" is suffering.

 

Your right...the gut-wrenching kind.

 

 

It makes me realize humans need love, they need it like water

 

I always hate to hear someone say "I don't need a man/woman to make me happy." Most are just trying to not make themselves seem vulnerable. It's a rare case to find someone who truely doesn't desire that kind of connection with another person.

[Red Arremer]

I have had such periods and they were often carefree. However that changed. For example right now there's no one in particular I'm crushing on. There has been that Emma Stone girl, but I haven't seen her for months, so that doesn't feel realistic anymore.

 

I have this desire to bond, yet it's not at all like sex drive. I'd say sex drive is easy to deal with. The desire to bond is not, because you can't quench it when you want to. Since December 2010 I've had this strong desire to bond and that feeling hasn't been leaving me alone for even one day since then, it has been unrelenting. I can't sleep and sh*t and I used to be an amazing sleeper. It's tearing me down.

 

Believe it or not, right now I feel no pressures in life, not regarding work/business, not regarding finance, not regarding my personal life...nothing at all. No pressure, except the pressure this desire to bond is putting on me, and like I said it's unrelenting, so it's pressing on me constantly and that's creating stress. That stress isn't only psychological, it's so intense that it becomes physical pain. It's like your organism punishes you for not having an SO.

 

Yet I'm focused on business right now and I have important things to finish first before I can fully focus on looking for the love of my life. The things is, it's like my organism is saying: "That's not my problem, I'll increase the pressure regardless, you are going to subject and submit, I'll make you."

There's no reasoning with it, how can you, it feels like there's only one way to lift that pressure and that's to do what it wants you to do. But I can't right now, so I'm in an unnatural situation, it's like different parts of me are at war with myself.

 

So right now I feel like this thing is either going to push me to greater heights, pushing and pulling me to exactly what I want in life, or it's going to tear me down to the point that it destroys me. It's that intense.

 

If this is what all guys start feeling when they hit 30, then may the universe have mercy on us.

 

And that's the first time I posted a sad smiley face on Loveshack.

I definitely can relate to this. In fact I'd say it's even worse for me, because in addition to this "you need to find someone/get married/have kids NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!" nagging I feel pretty much constantly, I am also completely incapable of forming emotional connections of any kind. I've posted about this before, but it really, really, really sucks wanting something but at the same time feeling like nothing you could possibly do will enable you to get it. So I look for casual instead, but since I'm not a 10 and don't have self-confidence coming out my ears it's nothing doing on that front too.

 

And to answer the question in the OP, aside from pining over people I've let get away in the past, I'd say I haven't really come across a woman I've truly been interested in in years myself. I'm in a huge city, but I'm locked away in an office most of the day during the week and I have no social life to speak of. If it wasn't for the occasional gaming meetups I host, I would probably never come into contact with other people at all outside of work or the grocery store.

 

And for the record I'm almost 30 myself. I've tried the "not caring" thing in the past, but since I don't have anything to fill the hole that not caring about this stuff leaves, I just feel empty and nothing improves.

Edited September 30, 2011 by Red Arremer

[carhill]

I always hate to hear someone say "I don't need a man/woman to make me happy." Most are just trying to not make themselves seem vulnerable. It's a rare case to find someone who truely doesn't desire that kind of connection with another person.

Don't hate the messenger

 

Desires and needs are issues I see completely separately.

 

I personally find intimate relationships to be quite inspirational and desirable. I need to eat and hydrate every day and a shower every once in awhile helps.

 

I love to share the depth of emotion and happiness from a lifetime of living with someone, and did for awhile. She didn't make me happy. I made me happy and shared it with her. She let me.

 

Topically, honestly, it's only been the period since my exW and I split up that I've truly lived with 'zero', as in the empty set of 'I love you'. In the distant past, for many years, there was an interest in the back of my mind but, perhaps in a twist of fate, she set me free just about the same time my exW did. It's an incredibly peaceful place to be, to not have all that happiness leaving all the time for parts unknown. Right now I'm smiling while watching 'Chicago' and remembering how happy I was seeing it in person on Broadway. Small happinesses. Mr. Cellophane.

[Beachgirl8]

You mentioned an interest in potentially going out alone. What's the worst thing that can happen? So, some strangers judge you or whatever. Who cares? It beats sitting at home alone in your living room. Even if it doesn't yield the result you want (meeting someone worthwhile) it might get you some new friends, a laugh, and a night out that might shake up your routine and be the catalyst for additional change. At worst you will have a polite or awkward conversation with a bartender and the weirdo sitting next to you, get a bite to eat and go home. It won't make you die.

 

I've gone out by myself when I've moved to a new city and didn't know anyone. I met one of my best girlfriends that way. We are still friends. And it's a good way to get out of a rut. It's only one night. The time is going to pass anyway. I say go for it.

[betterdeal]

There's a local animal sanctuary that does singles nights here. That appeals to me because it's for charity and it won't be anywhere near as tidy and stuffy as commercial singles nights. That's the sort of thing I think you're more likely to meet someone interesting at - something a bit left-field.

 

Some supermarkets have unofficial singles nights too, don't they? You know, Tuesday night is when all the bachelors and spinsters do their weekly at Sainsburys or such like. That appeals because (a) got to do the shopping anyway (b) no entry fee © see what's in each other's trolley (d) it's pretty low pressure - you *could* actually just be shopping (and checking out other shoppers is entirely by coincidence)

 

Saying that, this is one of the times in my life I have not felt the urge to latch onto someone else, and have consciously avoided certain women who were getting too close for comfort. I have other stuff to deal with right now - new job, new home, changing my diet, autumn schedules have finally arrived so TV is much better - that sort of thing.

 

Oh, and women in the early thirties are delicious!

Edited September 30, 2011 by betterdeal

[thatone]

I have had such periods and they were often carefree. However that changed. For example right now there's no one in particular I'm crushing on. There has been that Emma Stone girl, but I haven't seen her for months, so that doesn't feel realistic anymore.

 

I have this desire to bond, yet it's not at all like sex drive. I'd say sex drive is easy to deal with. The desire to bond is not, because you can't quench it when you want to. Since December 2010 I've had this strong desire to bond and that feeling hasn't been leaving me alone for even one day since then, it has been unrelenting. I can't sleep and sh*t and I used to be an amazing sleeper. It's tearing me down.

 

Believe it or not, right now I feel no pressures in life, not regarding work/business, not regarding finance, not regarding my personal life...nothing at all. No pressure, except the pressure this desire to bond is putting on me, and like I said it's unrelenting, so it's pressing on me constantly and that's creating stress. That stress isn't only psychological, it's so intense that it becomes physical pain. It's like your organism punishes you for not having an SO.

 

Yet I'm focused on business right now and I have important things to finish first before I can fully focus on looking for the love of my life. The things is, it's like my organism is saying: "That's not my problem, I'll increase the pressure regardless, you are going to subject and submit, I'll make you."

There's no reasoning with it, how can you, it feels like there's only one way to lift that pressure and that's to do what it wants you to do. But I can't right now, so I'm in an unnatural situation, it's like different parts of me are at war with myself.

 

So right now I feel like this thing is either going to push me to greater heights, pushing and pulling me to exactly what I want in life, or it's going to tear me down to the point that it destroys me. It's that intense.

 

If this is what all guys start feeling when they hit 30, then may the universe have mercy on us.

 

And that's the first time I posted a sad smiley face on Loveshack.

 

speaking from experience (i'm about to turn 35) i think you may be misinterpreting it a bit.

 

i ran into the same thing at 30, and in similar situation had at that point pretty much accomplished my professional goals (or the path was well in sight at least), it's the desire for something NEW that i perceived it as, not necessarily the desire for a wife.

 

in my case i did a complete 180 when the economy started to top out. i bought a historic house to work on, and spent my extra days out in my shop building and fixing things rather than going to an office. it was pretty therapeutic, at times it still is.

 

so that's what i would recommend trying in your shoes, find something new to do. not something you can accomplish in a day or a week or a month, something new that will take years to become good at and that you can always learn something new from. it stimulates your mind and gives you a retreat when your real job isn't going so well.

Edited September 30, 2011 by thatone

[betterdeal]

Life is what happens whilst we're planning it.

[Cee]

It took me a year to learn to enjoy going out alone. Initially, I would go to a club, party, or concert and feel incredibly lonely. Then I learned the perks of going out alone. One of them is I usually get a great seat or spot at an event. Most people are in couples or groups and I could get the one, great empty seat. Or I could leave whenever I wanted. Sometimes I stayed out an hour, others I stayed out dancing all night.

 

I learned that it's not a good idea to go out alone to "seek" men. It's too forced and leads to disappointment. I learned that a relaxed approach was better. 90% percent of the time I never talked to any single men, but once in a while, I'd have a nice conversation.

[Nexus One]

in my case i did a complete 180 when the economy started to top out. i bought a historic house to work on, and spent my extra days out in my shop building and fixing things rather than going to an office. it was pretty therapeutic, at times it still is.

 

so that's what i would recommend trying in your shoes, find something new to do. not something you can accomplish in a day or a week or a month, something new that will take years to become good at and that you can always learn something new from. it stimulates your mind and gives you a retreat when your real job isn't going so well.

 

That sounds like a great idea. I will be thinking about that.

[D-Lish]

That's exactly how I feel. It would be fine if I was on vacation, but not in my own city. We should try it sometime though! It might be worth it.

 

I remember once, before I lived in Toronto I came into town overnight on a buying trip. I stayed in a hotel and thought what the hell, I'm going to go grab dinner by myself. I went to a sport's bar and ate dinner at the bar.

 

I wasn't dressed slutty, fashionable yes, but by no means slutty. Men did approach- but I swear they thought I was a prostitute! Sometimes going out alone as a woman sends a certain message I think.

 

Nex- I know what you mean about really seeking a bond with someone. I feel that as well, and it's frustrating to say the least.

[Surfer Girl]

I am giving myself a year.... I do not want to compare my relationship with someone new...If it takes longer ... whatever... I can live being alone... but do hope in time I will find someone that I want to be with... However long it takes