mutual breaks up - getting back together

[Dblock10]

people who mutually break up, do they have a higher chance of getting back together again than other people?

 

lets say they both mutually agreed to go there own ways for now, and its because one of them is going to travel the world for 6 months.. but then the one staying changes there mind and wants to stay with that person whilst they go, but the one leaving doesn't change their's and feels for now its best to not be in a relationship and to truly be free on this once in a life times experience.

 

oh and they had been going out in a committed relationship with one another for 7 months prior to this.

 

reason i ask is because i am the one staying behind. And i'd like to think she would come back, but reality isn't looking to bright at the moment based on nc from her.

 

i last spoke to her last sunday when i txt her to say good bye and have a great journey. she replied with a thanks and have fun back at uni.

 

so now what do i do>? i cant keep pestering her whilst she's away. I could go into LC but then i could be in danger of becoming a friend or like a massive safety net for her to fall back into.

 

or it would be a good idea to try and talk to her, and so that she cant forget me and she cant move on. Really dont know what to do from here on out. she will be out the country for 6 months now.

Edited September 29, 2011 by Dblock10

[Cowboy1015]

This doesn't look like a mutual break up. I think she does want to break up and you just kinda agree but deep within you, you don't. And that is why you have second thoughts now. How the discussion of break up came up?

[Rorschach64]

No contact, that's it. If she wanted to be with you, she would be, stop worrying about the percentage of chance and all that. I know it is hard man, I was there and hell I am sort of still there now but in time you will adjust.

 

If she talks to you then fine as long as it isn't stupid breadcrumb crap, I am pretty sure I already stated that you need to be fun, polite, and just be you. She may NEVER come back or she may, that's it but you cannot wait for something that may never happen.

[norajane]

or it would be a good idea to try and talk to her, and so that she cant forget me and she cant move on.

 

She won't forget you, but the bird has flown.

 

Right now, all she's thinking about is her adventure. Not about men, but her adventure - she's going to travel the world for 6 months! How awesome is that?

 

She wants to have that experience without being responsible for a long distance relationship while she's traveling from place to place. So I don't think trying to talk with her would give you the reassurance you need.

 

She's not going to forget you. But she doesn't know how this experience will affect her and her life.

 

Really dont know what to do from here on out. she will be out the country for 6 months now.

 

Have your own adventures in uni. There's lots to do - have your own adventures. It's your life, so don't waste this time pining for her. Live.

[Rahuldesp]

Hi,

 

I dont know what is the reason behind your seperation, but whatever it may be, she thinks its imp to her.

 

Now, for you, Please Move on for her eyes. Post you latest activities in Facebook or Orkut where you both are connected. Not to forget, dont post your unhappy state. I know, "Move on" is easily said than done. Still try.

 

Remember one thing pal - if you are not loving yourself, how can anyone else love you.

 

If there was any truth in both your love, she will be watching you as you are now doing, will be back atleast as a frd if she feels curious again and also if she feels safe to be free with you.

[Dblock10]

I am obviously naturally going to move on. i wont purposely post my latest activities etc in order to get a reaction from her. she probably doesn't even care. she didn't check my fb wall for 7 weeks, so much so that she didn't even know about my nan passing away. she is too caught up with her own life. really isn't interested in my fb.

 

She never said or told me she loved me. so i assume to her i wasn't rally much. hence why she can just move on so rapidly.

 

Ok so she wont forget me, but will she ever contact me again? i guess she may, but it would just be to briefly ask how i am, whilst shes off on the next adventure.

 

right now she isnt thinking about men or me sure. How long will it be before she goes to a party and hooks up though. shes only human, and i know her track record.

 

Yeah she basically told me she doesn't want any re stresses whilst she's away, she is travelling with a single best mate of hers. she has had two long distance re before and told me they dont work. she is bad at staying in touch. she said, she wants to feel free and that she has now finally finished all her education life and wants to forget about all the exams and stresses.

 

so basically wiping the slate clean and leaving me behind with it.

 

so yeah, talking to her wont give me any reassurance, just make me look needy i guess. so there isnt a lot i can do. if she talks to me, i will talk back, but wether that will happen or not i don't know.

 

last words spoke where that i said to her have a great time etc and she said have fun at uni.

 

So all i can do is have my own adventure at uni, make the most of it, it will soon be over! cant be sad about a girl who left right?

 

Yeah rosch i understand if she wanted to be with me she would/ but realistically its not possible. she wont be in the same location for 6 months! we had only been together for 6-7 months prior to this journey.. she felt it wasnt practical, and that she wants to be stress free from relationships and work etc! not that she didnt "want" me.

 

well thats what i hope anyway. such a shame.

[norajane]

So all i can do is have my own adventure at uni, make the most of it, it will soon be over!

 

Yes, absolutely!

 

And there are plenty of girls at uni...might be that you'll meet one that you adore. Don't miss out - open your eyes!

[Dblock10]

yeah this is true. but i have totally gone past the point about caring for a relationship. i know thats bitter but its true. i wont look at another girl in the same light again. maybe forever, who knows.

[norajane]

yeah this is true. but i have totally gone past the point about caring for a relationship. i know thats bitter but its true. i wont look at another girl in the same light again. maybe forever, who knows.

 

 

Oh, you will!

 

I know you're hurting now and it doesn't seem possible, but there will be a day when a girl with a charming smile that gets your attention...

 

Don't despair. This is the hardest part. It gets better.

[Dblock10]

yeah the one with the charming smile left.

 

its what i noticed about her first. her amazing smile. no one is going to have the same perfect smile as her.

 

she is so cute and pretty.

 

this is going to be so hard to get over. i have been trying with not much luck for a while now.

[Rorschach64]

Dblock,

 

You seem like a nice dude, really and truly.

 

I understand it is hard to stop thinking about the ex and the possibilities of second chances and the future and all that tooth fairy stuff.

 

I understand that your ex might be all that you said she is, physically speaking.

 

I understand what I am about to say is harder said than done, but come on already man just stop, please! Please! You are probably a very capable dude, who cares about your ex! She is just some girl and there are so many out there that can be perfect for you.

 

I am proud that you have been NC her for the most part but you gotta forget her as she is long gone and dead for all extensive purposes.

 

You want something to work on man? Work on your degree, work on your run time so you can run 4 miles in 40 minutes, read psychology books ( I have been reading a lot of these since my break up because all this insanity is interesting oddly enough ), just do something to improve yourself, if not for yourself anymore for ME

[Dblock10]

ah man, i appreciate your words! i'd like to think i am a good dude and i find it hard how she just up'd and left. maybe i wasn't good enough for her. we did have a lot of small arguments, because it always felt like she didnt "think" about me or my feelings.

 

its like there are two halves of me, one half that wants to forget and just put it down to bad timing and experience, and realises that she just didn't care enough about me and wasn't attached as much as i was. and the other half, desperate not to let go, and not to move on.

 

but i guess the game has changed now anyway, she wont be coming back to my uni where we met, she will probably never talk to me during this trip.

 

i just cant let go of the past, "hadn't i brought up that our lives would be going down different paths, and that she wouldn't want ties etc etc. she must have thought i wanted out, she must have thought i dumped her. when really its not what i wanted, i was basing decisions on her actions or in-actions at the time, so that i wouldn't stay with her then later get hurt. i.e her drifting away from me, or getting dumped later down the line after hanging on (if we had stayed together) and that if i had waited, once she's back she would more than likely be off doing something else involving not being around for months at a time.

 

its hard seeing her pop up on my face book chat at night, so she is obviously doing a good job of staying in contact with her friends or who ever. So she basically lied to me when she said she was a bad communicator etc.

 

seriously to her i must just be some ex whom she was with for the last bit of university. it sucks. i dont mean anything to her.

 

i guess i cant handle rejection and being ignored by her. it really pisses me off.

 

makes me want to say something

[norajane]

i am a good dude and i find it hard how she just up'd and left. maybe i wasn't good enough for her.

 

You're taking this personally. I understand why you are, and I'm not saying you shouldn't. However, she probably doesn't mean it to come off as a personal rejection in the way that you are feeling it.

 

I can't stress enough: she is traveling the WORLD for 6 months. That is a HUGE adventure. HUGE.

 

So, it's NOT that you aren't good enough for her! It's that she is undertaking a huge life experience, all over the world, and it's not a good time to also try and maintain a relationship with you (OR ANYONE ELSE).

 

I guess I'm saying, as gently as possible, that it's not all about you. She's not rejecting you. She would have done this no matter who she was seeing. Adventure and life experience is taking precedence over relationship. That's the kind of woman she is at this time in her life.

[Dblock10]

You're taking this personally. I understand why you are, and I'm not saying you shouldn't. However, she probably doesn't mean it to come off as a personal rejection in the way that you are feeling it.

 

I can't stress enough: she is traveling the WORLD for 6 months. That is a HUGE adventure. HUGE.

 

So, it's NOT that you aren't good enough for her! It's that she is undertaking a huge life experience, all over the world, and it's not a good time to also try and maintain a relationship with you (OR ANYONE ELSE).

 

I guess I'm saying, as gently as possible, that it's not all about you. She's not rejecting you. She would have done this no matter who she was seeing. Adventure and life experience is taking precedence over relationship. That's the kind of woman she is at this time in her life.

 

nora, you hit the nail bang on the head, I am glad you can understand this and maybe a little of her thought process!

 

i guess she did say she "didnt want to" have to break up but there wasnt a foreseeable option given the situation. it was the circumstances that ended us not because we stopped liking each other. however, i am confused about the lack of communication leading up to her actually going... and that when she is on facebook in the evenings how she never says hello. Surely if she still liked me or didnt want me to move on, she would have made effort to stay in contact with me. i dont understand this girl fully.

 

so given that she is on this life time adventure and doesn't want any complications such as managing a relationship hence the split, how do i play this to my advantage? so far i feel i have done pretty well. ive not cracked and broken down to her, i have remained in nc for the most part, and have been mature sending a farewell text before she left.

 

so with what you have said, what should I do? continue to just leave her to it? or speak to her when she is on fb chat now and again? really confused with this one.

 

most people say remove her from my fb/life..

 

you are right she would have done this regardless of whom she was with. i guess deep down she didnt want to stay in a relationship with me or had it been with someone else them either, because as you say, she is on an adventure, not wanting re stresses. pretty much what she said when i saw her that final time and i had to accept her final decision, even though it wasnt what i wanted.

 

what options do i have given that i would like her back. but at the same time, seeing her with other guys (should that happen) or if she slept about, that would put me off her quite a fair chunk i would have thought.

 

i totally understand that a relationship just wasnt the highest thing on her agenda at this point in time, and she had to work so so much before she left to go on the trip.

 

however she never booked time off for us to before she left. she never organised anything for my birthday... only got time for her friends.

 

its like she totally discarded me as soon as she knew it wouldnt work out and that she wanted to do this alone.

[Rorschach64]

Nora is right it is just she wanted to go out there, plus you know there might be other unforeseeable reasons man. The point of the matter is it isn't your fault in the end and I know you made a little mistake but it would have panned out this way anyway.

 

Here is an example of someone that doesn't care or love someone:

 

*Has you fly 9,531 miles costing 4,000USD just to tell you mid trip they aren't in love with you and fell out of attraction and wants a break to be single to rekindle the relationship but doesn't try.

 

*Falsly accuses you of cheating

 

*Demeans your parents' marriage and yourself for defending yourself

 

So you my good sir are fine and are someone that deserves love so slap on a big smile and work on your school and physical training. This is not the end of the world and you are worth a damn!

[Dblock10]

yeah there could have been other reasons that i dont know about but i think i got the main points. i guess it isnt my fault entirely. she didnt tell me what she wanted to happen, she never really fought for me its like she knew deep down what she wanted but wouldnt tell me, or felt she couldnt.

 

she is so indecisive. maybe i could have said lets stay together and work it through. and been more strong on that point and reassured her it was 100% what i wanted. again.. i did tell her i'd wait.

 

during all that talk i did agree to mutually break up on good terms, so that we wouldnt fall out whilst she's away and thus ruin our future. but now times have moved on it feels like ive lost her anyway. thus regretting my actions and words.

 

yet when i was being told " i dont know what i will do once back " i cant do anything just to keep you happy. of course i went straight on the defensive with ok well i dont think it will work then... i didnt want to wait around for her and then for her to come back and break my heart again..

 

its what a friend of mine told me, she would have come to her own conclusions sooner or later regardless of what i said and when. so i hope you and them were right? my friend told me unless she was deeply in love with you it wouldnt have worked. trust me she said.

[norajane]

She doesn't know what she will do when she gets back because she has no idea how all this traveling around, seeing different cultures, having different experiences (good and bad), and learning and growing as a person will ultimately affect her. How is she to know that?

 

She WILL change as a person. It's unthinkable that she won't. You can't travel around for 6 months and come back the same person as when you left! It would be pathetic if she did - it would mean she learned nothing from her experience.

 

So yes, she doesn't know.

 

The only thing you can do is let. it. go.

 

Don't contact her, unless she drops you a line and says hello. Then just ask her what country she's in and what she likes about it. Keep it casual.

 

If you're still hung up on her when she gets back, and if she looks you up, then you can get to know each other all over again.

 

Face it - her trip is about as long as your entire relationship was. Let. it. go.

 

That's why I told you to have your own adventures. You will NEVER have this time in your life to re-do, so make the most of it NOW! Get involved in all those activities and events at uni. Meet new people. Take up new sports or hobbies or interests. Meet more new people. LIVE your life fully. Do your own learning and growing!

[Dblock10]

she said she doesn't want to settle into a career when back right away as once you go into the field she wants to go into, thats it! you have to dedicate yourself fully. and so because of this she wants to do a ski season first, which involves going to a resort for like 4-5 months. she basically isn't ready to commit to anything long term.

 

but yeah it is interesting you say she will change as a person, how though? you mean in terms of personality or in the sense that it will help her realise what she wants in life after?

 

she has done working abroad before, you know where you go off to a party capital and give out flyers for night clubs or you work on the bar making cocktails, that kind of thing she has done before.

 

 

i have let her go, i had to respect her decision. i didn't and don't want to lose her. I think closure is becoming more strong as time goes on, its like forced exceptance and i dont like it, we are or have drifted. its one of the things she didnt want to happen if we stayed together. however the fact that the last time i initiated contact with her via fb, and told her about my nan, she said oh i thought you would have said something, and "you know you can still call me to talk if you want to"...

 

so it eats me alive knowing i CAN talk to her, she isn't 100% NC on me. but she just doesn't reach out first... and that hurts, and when she pops up on fb chat, i always want to talk to her, ask if she is ok etc. but something stops me...

 

i dont want her to think i'm clinging onto her, i don't want her to feel pressured to talk to me. if she wanted to talk to me, she would? but sadly that hasn't happened once out of her own free will, since we broke up.

 

i'd love her to drop me a line and say hello.

 

most likely i wouldn't have forgotten her. i already told her before in the early stages of not knowing where i stood that i always think about her and that she isn't any girl to me, i wont just forget about her whilst she's away. she was like aw, i will miss you to.

 

yeah the trip is as long as the entire relationship, although id say we were seeing each other for around 8 months, were official for 7, saw each other for about 6.

 

my adventure can never compare to hers though. i am "just at uni" she has "been there done that got the t shirt" and its annoying because i am 24. she is 21.

 

its her birthday on the 12th...thats when she moves from america to australia i think