jas87 Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 Im 23 shes 19 We've been together 4 months but over those months Ive heard about people shes been with.. Ive accepted some of her past experiences... not easily but am getting really hung up that fact she went home with someone nearly twice her age when she was 18... Its at the stage where im struggling to get it out of my mind and hard to look at her the same. I realise its her past and all but it still bothers me...I think of other friends who are 18 who would never consider sleeping with someone twice there age.. Is this something ive just got to get over? If so how do i get these thoughts out?
Eddie Edirol Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 Why does it bother you that she was with someone twice her age? If you cant pinpoint a reason, you have no right to be concerned about it.
Author jas87 Posted September 29, 2011 Author Posted September 29, 2011 I dont know It just does...Its not something that I would have done, It doesnt seem right and I suppose it goes against my values. Picturing her going home with a man twice the age sort disgusts me abit i suppose. I had accepted other things that i didnt like but this I cant seem to get my head around I have a past but at the same time I have my standards
Eddie Edirol Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 I dont know It just does...Its not something that I would have done, It doesnt seem right and I suppose it goes against my values. Picturing her going home with a man twice the age sort disgusts me abit i suppose. I had accepted other things that i didnt like but this I cant seem to get my head around I have a past but at the same time I have my standards Youre stroking your own ego and dont even have a real reason why? Youve stated nothing about what she wants, and only what you would and wouldnt have done, that has nothing to do with her. So why does the older man disgust you? Hes a person too yknow.
Author jas87 Posted September 29, 2011 Author Posted September 29, 2011 I just believe an 18 year old shouldnt be sleeping with someone whos nearly as old as her dad? I guess she has a differant set of morals than me?...And yeah I suppose my ego is playing a part. The older guy is a person... a creep if you ask me
smudge21 Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 You can't and should never enfore your own morals upon someone else, especially in a relationship (unless you want to push them away). The fact is, we all have a past, some good, some bad. But as long as the past doesn't affect our future then carry on. Only be concerned if past events really start to affect later choices in life, as they sometimes do. I think you need to work out why this bothers you so much and do it soon, rather than letting it build up to the point where it destroys the relationship.
oldguy Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 It's sounds like a form of retroactive jealousy & that is 100% your issue. It has nothing to do with her. Suggesting that your. 'morals' & hers are different rather than her... 'preferences', & yours are not inline may show some insight. You may have been intimidated by an older man, for instance, & that could be the root of disdain for you.
denise_xo Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 I think you should let her go so she can find someone who appreciates her, and you can find someone who has a different sexual past since that's important to you.
oldguy Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 (edited) I forgot to mention, you can get help for your issue as it is may very well be something that's from your past. It is almost always a focused if not generalized esteem issue. Here is a good example; at 10 yo you are bullied by some playground bully. When you are in your 20's one of your SO's ex's reminds you of the old playground bully and this insecurity manifests itself into retroactive jealousy. What your feeling is very real & very painful & very much YOURS. If you decide to get help & the first shrink just tries to tell you why it's unreasonable, find another shrink. Edited September 29, 2011 by oldguy
Emilia Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 I just believe an 18 year old shouldnt be sleeping with someone whos nearly as old as her dad? I guess she has a differant set of morals than me?...And yeah I suppose my ego is playing a part. The older guy is a person... a creep if you ask me Well my first proper boyfriend was 36 when I was 19. He was a ski and tennis instructor with a proper full time job too, basically better looking (fitter) and a million times more interesting than boys at my age. MUCH better in bed too. I was sick of teenage fumblings that ultimately weren't really satisfying. Not quite sure where morals came into that.
oldshirt Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 People can preach all they want about how you should let the past be the past but the truth is once the cat is out of the bag and it bothers you it bothers you. I don't know if any amount of consolation will help if it really bothers you that much. I think the real lesson here is people should learn to be discrete. What goes on behind closed doors is noone's business except the people who are behind those doors. There really is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! positive that can be gained by hearing about your partners past. NOTHING! NOTTA! ZIP! People should really adopt a don't ask-don't tell-don't listen policy. We are inquisitive creatures and there is always curiousity but as adults move forward in their lives they acquire baggage and sharing that baggage with others serves absolutely NO positive benifit. It really doesn't. You may think it does, but it doesn't.
denise_xo Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 People can preach all they want about how you should let the past be the past but the truth is once the cat is out of the bag and it bothers you it bothers you. I don't know if any amount of consolation will help if it really bothers you that much. I think the real lesson here is people should learn to be discrete. What goes on behind closed doors is noone's business except the people who are behind those doors. There really is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! positive that can be gained by hearing about your partners past. NOTHING! NOTTA! ZIP! People should really adopt a don't ask-don't tell-don't listen policy. We are inquisitive creatures and there is always curiousity but as adults move forward in their lives they acquire baggage and sharing that baggage with others serves absolutely NO positive benifit. It really doesn't. You may think it does, but it doesn't. I disagree with this very strongly. Most people come with a past today, and there's no point in pretending that it's not there like some ostrich in la-la-land. That's just delusional. If people want to meet someone without a past, that's perfectly fine, but then they need to find someone without a past - not someone with a past and then pretend that the past isn't there.
GoodOnPaper Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 People should really adopt a don't ask-don't tell-don't listen policy. We are inquisitive creatures and there is always curiousity but as adults move forward in their lives they acquire baggage and sharing that baggage with others serves absolutely NO positive benifit. I agree. If your partner has some suspect things in his or her past but they truly do not affect the current relationship, then there shouldn't be any red-flag behaviors to worry about. Otherwise, the red-flag behaviors in and of themselves will alert you to potential problems. I would certainly not want to reveal how embarrassingly few past partners I've had. If there are no intimacy problems with my current partner, the issue would never come up anyway . . .
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