someonesomewhere Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 Hi all, So I've been dating this man for about a year. Throughout our relationship, there's always been an element of commitmentphobia from him and indecisiveness about whether he envisioned a future for us or not. Part of this, he claimed, was because of an extremely traumatic experience with his ex, which made him very nervous to trust or commit to someone again. All along, I tried to be very understanding of this, although occasionally it caused me to go through bouts of insecurity and doubt about the strength of his feelings for me. I voiced these concerns to him early and often, and he would say and do small things to reassure me, but I guess I was never satisfied that he was devoting enough attention to solving the "big issues." We met online, and he never removed his dating profile. His evasiveness about setting a course for our relationship made me insecure enough that I tortured myself for a long time by "monitoring" his profile, and I saw that he was frequently still signing onto it. He was open with me about the fact that it was still active, but assured me that it was "just words." Nonetheless, as time went on, it weighed more heavily on me until I eventually felt no choice but to pressure him to remove it. He dragged his feet through this -- first he said he'd think about it. Then he avoided the subject. Then he said he'd think about it some more, and -- since it was a paid website -- he agreed to make a decision by the subscription's expiration date. That time came, and he agreed to let it lapse. His delay in reaching this decision had aggravated my mistrust, and I continued to monitor it. He was still signing on (presumably his paid account had been downgraded to a free one). I later sussed that out of him, without letting him know I'd "caught" him, and after we talked about it some more, he agreed to remove it. We acknowledged there were bigger issues in our relationship, but agreed to table them until a specific date. In the meantime, we would see if my insecurities would ease and how he felt about this step towards commitment. Still not entirely trusting him, I checked his profile. Two weeks went by with no activity and things between us were going well, so I began to feel safer and more relieved. I felt ready to stop monitoring his profile for activity, but when I checked one more time (this time out of idleness more than compulsion or mistrust), there he was. I confronted him angrily. The next day, after processing what transpired, I went to see him to try and seek out some explanation and figure out whether there was any hope for reconciliation. He was very angry to see me, told me to leave him alone and that he didn't want me to contact him, etc. He calmed down a little and then told me that he doesn't want a relationship with me, that he was just afraid of hurting my feelings, that if I ever want a friendship with him in the future, to leave him alone. He wouldn't explain why he lied to me about removing his profile -- just that it was irrelevant, none of my business, and that he had "sexual needs." (Our physical relationship was developing very slowly because of certain health concerns; it's part of why his profile made me so insecure and full of doubt, but he'd always reassured me that his hesitation was just borne out of caution, not lack of attraction or interest in someone else). I'm now still reeling from and trying to process the things he's said. His words and actions have all been so over the map, that I don't know whether what he said was the truth, or if he lashed out at me because he was ashamed of getting caught lying. I'm having a lot of trouble imagining how I will trust him again after this. We've exchanged some emails, but he thinks we need a physical separation for some time. I miss him, but I do think he needs to reach more clarity (with himself and with me) about what he wants. At this point, I know that I have to give that some serious thought, too. I don't know if I want to or can work things out with him, but I don't think I have enough information or facts about the situation right now to make that decision in a fair and informed way. I understand that he wants space to figure out what he wants, but I think I need the same opportunity, and I don't know how I can do that if he won't talk to me and give me some answers (specifically about what else he may have lied to me about). Any advice, please?
Viv Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 This might sound a bit harsh, but he isn't treating you properly and the fact that you are putting up with it may mean you have a low self-esteem. He should not be on dating websites while he's with you, and by you even discussing it with him it makes it sound like its OK. I think it should have been one of those, 'you either stop, or I'm out of here moments'. If he's like this now he's not going to change, and you don't sound like you are happy with it. Why are you even considering trying again, do you ever see yourself being happy with him? Don't you think you're worth more than being lied to and told to leave him alone?
Author someonesomewhere Posted September 28, 2011 Author Posted September 28, 2011 (edited) This might sound a bit harsh, but he isn't treating you properly and the fact that you are putting up with it may mean you have a low self-esteem. He should not be on dating websites while he's with you, and by you even discussing it with him it makes it sound like its OK. I think it should have been one of those, 'you either stop, or I'm out of here moments'. If he's like this now he's not going to change, and you don't sound like you are happy with it. Why are you even considering trying again, do you ever see yourself being happy with him? Don't you think you're worth more than being lied to and told to leave him alone? I've been clear that I can still imagine being happy with him, but some things would need to change and I would need to see a concerted effort towards healing our relationship. I've been very clear that I need to be able to trust him and feel safe in the relationship, and that's going to require some more concrete steps towards commitment than what he's shown so far. (My short list is 1. Remove the profile, 2. Come with me to couples therapy). I think I reached my tolerance for his hedging reached a limit, and that's why we're in this situation now. Bear in mind, I'm NOT sure I want to or can give it another try. That's what I'm trying to decide. His actions have undermined my trust to a point that I don't know if I have the motivation do to that. He says time apart to think about these questions would do us both some good, and I'm inclined to agree, but I think he has a fuller picture of the situation than I do, and I can't make an informed and fair decision about what I want to do for myself without more information from him. (e.g., Has he cheated on me?) The problem is, I don't know how to press for that information while still respecting his request for "time to himself" to think about things. Edited September 28, 2011 by someonesomewhere
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