bbronco Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 I've been reading a lot of threads lately on this site and I must say they're helping me a lot - but now I think it's time to seek out advice on my own situation. I'm in my late 20's and my ex boyfriend is as well. We were together for 2 amazing years but towards the end of our relationship, I felt like between his stresses with work, constant exhaustion, and issues with his finances, our relationship was not a priority in his life. At the time I decided to break up with him, I felt like I had a clear head. I told him it was best for him to focus on getting his life on track and maybe down the line we could try again. I told him how much I love him and how he's the only one for me. That was a couple months ago. Since that night, I regretted my decision immediately. I tried to remind myself about what had frustrated me but I failed. In the beginning, I texted him sad saga novels about my regrets, my love, my reasonings as I felt that since I broke up, I had to go into overdrive mode to reassure him and convince him that I was sincere and willing to make it work. We had conversations on the phone where we both cried, then later, just me crying. He told me he was hurting and missing me but wasn't ready to go back and needed time to figure out himself. That what I said was true. Meanwhile, I didn't want to abandon him during this time and I honestly don't feel like he's making life changes and buckling down when he's still partying with my friends. Regardless of that, I know the changes he's seeking will take a looong time and I don't want us to get distant. Initially in the dialogue we had he would tell me he'll always love me, that he still loves me, that it's too soon to see eachother, and that I was making it so hard (by me crying, pleading, begging him to meet me, see me, give me a chance). I felt like he had a tug of war going on and if I could just sway him - so I sent him the mushy card and mushy email, and cried some more over the phone. I was told the card was sincere and I got no response to the email. At this point, I don't know what to do anymore. He knows how I feel, he knows how sorry I am. He just stopped talking to me and it tears me up inside. It's been over 2 weeks that I've stopped begging him via text. Since our breakup was mutually sad and unwanted by us both (mostly a timing issue), I'm not sure why he's refusing to get back together now? How come he can be so strong and not cave and text me when I'm a wreck? I'm hopoing NC works and I hear back from him soon. The final part of the story is that I heard from mutual friends that right after we broke up, he reached out to his ex before me and she took him in for cuddling and god knows what else. I'm in no position to give anyone the time of day so now I'm not sure if this is a sign that he's hurting and going to the most easy and available option to distract him...or if he really is a douche. The worst part is, he was reaching out to here while he was telling me how much he was hurting. I only wish I'd find that information out sooner so I could have cried less and started NC sooner. I just want to make things work for us and I'm not sure what to do
antz2411 Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 what do you expect? you broke up with someone who you say you love because he is going through a tough time? if i were him i would have done the same thing and go to someone else for comfort since the person who says loves me abandoned me in my time of need! i would not care if you pleaded and cried which i think he feels as well. it shows you have no back bone as a woman. and just like how i woman wants a man with a back bone a man also wants a woman with a back bone. you def. made your bed on that one and he is saying you might as well lay on it as well! good for him!
TLCbear Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 I just want to make things work for us and I'm not sure what to do What you need to do is try your best to move on with your life. You ended the relationship and you tried to get him back...unfortunately, he doesn't want that now...so it's really nothing you can do at this point. Next time, just make sure you really want to end the relationship before you do.
Author bbronco Posted September 28, 2011 Author Posted September 28, 2011 Thanks for the input..I just have so many mixed emotions going on. I really do care about him more than anything, but it wasn't fair to keep us in a relationship that put more pressure on him than was needed. The break up was nearly mutual. Then the guilt set in that maybe I had abandoned him and all my feelings of longing returned. I'm hopeful that it's not a lost cause forever only by the fact that back when we did used to text somewhat, he'd apologized for being so distant because whenever he spoke to me, he'd get too emotional. I understood we were both in pain, I just don't get why he won't make it easy on both of us to reconcile when the decision is regretted and clearly unwanted by us both :/
antz2411 Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 Thanks for the input..I just have so many mixed emotions going on. I really do care about him more than anything, but it wasn't fair to keep us in a relationship that put more pressure on him than was needed. The break up was nearly mutual. Then the guilt set in that maybe I had abandoned him and all my feelings of longing returned. I'm hopeful that it's not a lost cause forever only by the fact that back when we did used to text somewhat, he'd apologized for being so distant because whenever he spoke to me, he'd get too emotional. I understood we were both in pain, I just don't get why he won't make it easy on both of us to reconcile when the decision is regretted and clearly unwanted by us both :/ you made the decision and as a man he is making you stick to your decision. i dont know about him but i was dumped by my girl and took me a week to realize i wanted her back in my life but i made the decision to do nothing unless she comes back begging on her knees.. she didnt get on her knees but she did a good enough acting job n i just gave her 1 more week of hell knowing i had the upper hand in the situation. i guess i felt a little guilt but you know what they say - ALL IS FAIR IN LOVE AND WAR
Author bbronco Posted October 18, 2011 Author Posted October 18, 2011 Hi everyone, Just wanted to post my latest update with getting the ex back. After what felt like pulling teeth to make it happen, he agreed to meet for dinner last week. I had told myself I'd be strong going into it, but after not seeing him since the breakup, I cried - lots. Fail. The conversation was a lot about friends and work..then I tried to shift it to why he'd been so distant and I hardly knew who he was anymore, why after all my efforts to apologize and reach out and pour my heart out - he either ignored me, had a loss for words, and pretty much made me feel like I did him a favor with the breakup and that I wasn't worth it to him. He told me that wasn't true, where was I coming up with all this, we'd figure everything out, he'd answer my questions later, and can we not have this conversation and have dinner. I thought later meant later during the dinner but he avoided talking about us and his feelings altogether. My goal with the dinner was to figure out if there was hope for us to try again...and all I got out of it was him telling me that it should mean something that he's at the dinner with me, that he'd told himself he wouldn't cry going into the dinner, and lots of hugs, hand holding, and a kiss on the forehead later and it was over. I haven't heard from him since and seeing him did not help. I figured he'd use the dinner avenue to finally say everything that needed to be said but now again I'm left wondering if I should continue to fight the fight alone to get him back or he obviously knows how I feel, is the only one that can change things, and I should just give up? I'm dissapointed again that he hasn't reached out at all...and I'm debating just asking him when he said my fears weren't true and that he'd explain later, where does that leave us? But I'm not sure I'm pressuring him too much if he already knows how I feel and what I want. Any advice would be soooo appreciated! It's getting exhausting remaining hopeful and relentless...!
leoc1973 Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 Ok my situation is pretty much the same as yours. I know my ex broke up with me for the same reasons you broke up with him. I sometimes think she wants me back but she knows how to play the games to a T. She knows how to play hard to get how to use jealousy how to make me miss her. When she broke up with me I was so pissed off at her for leaving me during a difficult time. I did need to get my life back on track and thanks to her dumping me I did. Every time I started seeing someone else she seemed to sense it and start coming around again. Every time I felt like I could get over her she would come around and we would get dinner or coffee. She would tell me she didn't want a boyfriend but she was dating just for fun. That gets a guys mind wandering. What does just for fun mean? Is she sleeping with everyone. What if she gets pregnant or some kind of disease that would end us forever ugh on and on. So every time she would cut it short tell me don't be a stranger and when I would contact her she would always wait two days to get back a hold of me. I know you probably think your love isdeeper than everyone elses but truth be told they are all the same. I don't understand how you women can keep doing this to guys and then when they find someone else all of the sudden you want your property back. Just cause we are men doesn't mean we are not people. we have feelings. When a man really loves a woman he looks to her for support and comfort and he likes to think that he is the most important thing in your life. When you take that away there is no greater pain. Its as bad as if you had died, maybe worse. That being said I think he either is trying to make you pay for what you did and teach you that you better never do it again or he just seriously is too hurt to every trust you to not do it again. You had better play it cool with this guy and let him know that you just needed to talk to him face to face one last time because you are interested in someone else. He needs to think he is gonna lose you forever or else you won't get him back. You are gonna have to play a little bit of games with this one. If you don't he is going to keep you hanging for a long time. You better be a good actress because if he thinks you aren't going anywhere ever he is gonna keep partying while you suffer.LOL and part of me thinks you deserve to a little but I think he probably still loves you and doesn't want to lose you. If he was that upset when you left him he still has some serious feelings for you. My ex has pushed me to the point where she played too many games. I don't know what I would do if she wanted me back at this point. Good luck stay strong and a little hard to get and he will be back.
othersideofthepillow Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 you broke up with him. I sometimes think she wants me back but she knows how to play the games to a T. Every time I felt like I could get over her she would come around and we would get dinner or coffee. She would tell me she didn't want a boyfriend I don't understand how you women can keep doing this to guys and then when they find someone else all of the sudden you want your property back. Just cause we are men doesn't mean we are not people. We have feelings. When a man really loves a woman he looks to her for support and comfort and he likes to think that he is the most important thing in your life. When you take that away there is no greater pain. Its as bad as if you had died, maybe worse. You had better play it cool with this guy I agree completely with everything that leoc1973 said except the part of starting to play games. Look, i know that you want your ex back, i still love my ex too, but think about it this way - would you like games being played on you if the tables were turned? or if you did get back together you found out that he played games to get you back at that it wasnt genuine....how would that make you feel? in the end, you made the decision to break it off....u made the choice to end it (regardless of why you did it). when my ex left me it was the worst feeling in the world. things had gotten a difficult the last month of our relationship but i was 100% willing to work thru it, to fight for it, but you know what see wasnt - she up and left when the going got tough and abandoned me. now i am no fool to think that she "needed" to stay or what not but perception is everything. like leoc1973 said, we men like woman to BE THERE FOR US when the going gets tough. im not trying to come across as completely against you by any means, im just letting you know a guys perspective. and yes he probably still has a great amount of feelings for you but you hurt him greatly and he will need time to work thru that pain. next time if you do see him, PLEASE do not bring up the break up or bad memories right away! at some point you will need to bring that conversation up but you need to build a NEW relationship together...also remember that the old one you had together is over and in the past...so just leave it there... hope that helps you out a little
Author bbronco Posted October 18, 2011 Author Posted October 18, 2011 Leoc1973...I wish I could be a good actress but I've been playing the relentless lovesick fool card. It's one thing if I'd come back around and changed my mind about the whole thing a few months later...but I pretty much have been consistent with my regret since day 2 of the breakup. Which, yes, I feel like an idiot for even putting myself into this situation if I knew I cared about him this much. I honestly felt like it was the best option for us - I just didn't think he wouldn't want to come back. As a further update, he texted just minutes ago asking if I'd like to do dinner again soon and that it was great seeing me. I mean he obviously has to know what my expectations are with him so I'm not sure I'm up for another dinner where I'll just cry looking at him and nothing comes of it. But then again...I feel like I need to take any offer I get from him at this point since they're so far and few inbetween...?
Author bbronco Posted October 18, 2011 Author Posted October 18, 2011 othersideofthepillow...I'm sorry that there's a group of women out there that pretty much leave when the going gets tough. It was extremely tough for me and the guilt I carry about the whole thing is fresher than ever...it doesn't seem to go away. I've shed tears, I've written cards, I've given gifts, I've made it very obvoius I'm not interested in any other guy...heck, every new guy I meet I ask for advice on my ex - resulting in some very angry text convos with new prospects lol. It's like I'm a party girl turned nun suddenly. All for him...but suffering solo seems pointless when I'm not getting a lot of results. All my friends are fed up with me now saying I've given him all the power, he can come and go as he pleases and knows I'll be there...but I agree - it shouldn't be a game. If you realize you love someone you should be willing to make it work...it's not like I cheated on him or had an angry breakup...our issues can be worked out if he really felt it was worth it to try again. Which is a sucky feeling knowing he hasn't...
Mary-Jane Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 I think the reason he's behaving the way he is simply because he's got another girl he's interested in, namely his ex, so he is not emotionally as invested in you. If and when she's out of picture he will be much more receptive to you. Sorry. Wait it out if you can.
othersideofthepillow Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 our issues can be worked out if he really felt it was worth it to try again. This is exactly how i feel with me ex. the issues that presented themselves during our relationship are literally no longer there, however, she "says" that its still hurts her to see me in person.....keep in mind im not the one that dumped her....does she not think that im dying inside the times i have seen her???? oh well guess thats just a selfish way to look at it but thats on her not me. the whole "power" game is a bit tricky...when ive put my foot down, she was blown up my phone, shown up at my work at the time i get off to "talk" as well as shown up at my apartment at 1230am stating how shes sry for everything and cant have me out of her life - than tells me its to hard to see me so she has to start over.....terrible things to do to someone regardless of how confused you might be. what maryjane said does hold some merit since he does have someone else interested in him...BUT...keep in mind that you did leave him and he is prolly only around her now because of everything that has transpired between the 2 of you and once that initial hurt goes away you can start fresh. thats great that he wants to meet up as well...and like i said before....DO NOT BRING UP THE BREAK UP....its not the right time yet....that will come later. when you are on this date, make sure to not hold it to to high of a standard and think you are getting back together right off the bat just keep in light and try and reconnect!
leoc1973 Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 It really shouldn't be about games but it is. I think we are wired that way in wanting what you can't have. I mean he is thinking he can go back to you any time he wants so why not have some fun while he is single. I mean the way he is looking at it is he is gonna teach you to never do this to him again and you are playin right into it. If he truly loves you I can understand making you work for it a little bit but enough is enough. He asked you to a second dinner? Well I think he still wants to be with you a lot more than he is letting on. When I broke up with an ex from way back I did everything in my power to avoid her because I didn't love her anymore and didn't wanna sit there and watch her cry. It tore me up inside doing that to someone that at one time was the most important person in my life and if he is asking you to a dinner knowing you were gonna probably cry like that then he still wants you! That is the only reason I am bringing up the play the game thing because he is taking advantage of the situation and he needs to **** or get off the pot! Good luck. Oh and I didn't realize that you tried to get him back pretty much from day 2 I thought maybe you put him through hell or something. Try telling him that if he loves you then he really doesn't need to put you through this maybe he will quit the crap if he knows he is hurting you so badly!
othersideofthepillow Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 I agree with you leo....i believe that people play games when most of the time they might not even realize they are doing it! if i were you i would do what i did with my ex. i flat out told asked her do you have feelings left for me and want to start again to which she said no. i than told her thats your right to do but do not contact me anymore, dont text, dont call, dont send me pics of us when we were together, dont tell me you miss me, etc...u get the point lol. we after that i got maybe 2-3 texts over the next few weeks but never responded to them and than she starts freaking out and wanting to know what im doing, where im at, why havent i contacted her back.....even though i told her not to contact me. imo i believe that getting a ex back will take a lot of time and patience. if you do some research online you will see that a lot of times there is what they call "push/pull" meaning there will be times you think you are getting back together and times when they make it seems like u mean nothing. its all about time. you'll see that some people get back together within days - and you'll see some take months....it all depends on both ppl wanting the same thing at the same time. def blows i know but thats in the end what it comes down too.
immitable Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 Your post makes me think of some mental tricks our exes pull on us to where they almost make you break up with them. During the relationship they complain how stressed they are how life is not giving them enough sometimes it goes as far as faked illnesses etc. This may be the case here, not sure though but judged by that what you provided it seem so. Do you know what is he up to lately is he seeing someone else? Just my 2 cents.
othersideofthepillow Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 Your post makes me think of some mental tricks our exes pull on us to where they almost make you break up with them. During the relationship they complain how stressed they are how life is not giving them enough sometimes it goes as far as faked illnesses etc. This may be the case here, not sure though but judged by that what you provided it seem so. Do you know what is he up to lately is he seeing someone else? Just my 2 cents. when i saw this post it SCREAMED my ex! at the end she was always talking about stomach pains and what not, i even picked her up from work one morning because she was in "so much pain" and she still talks about how much stress she is under
Author bbronco Posted October 19, 2011 Author Posted October 19, 2011 Ya, immitable, he had a short stint where he went back to his ex before me less than a month after we broke up. I haven't inquired about it with my source since I found out last month..so I'm not sure if the sleepovers are still happening. Now that's a ****ty feeling...knowing you're groveling and he doesn't come back to you but goes to her. Ew. I did ask about his ex during our dinner and he said that they haven't talked, then changed it to she reached out to him, that she's always liked him, nothing happened, she doesn't mean anything to him, and I shouldn't be worried about that. I didn't push further on the subject. As for ex's almost laying out the foundation for a break up...it seems so true! Before we broke up there were many times that I'd comment on how sleep and apparent exhaustion from work were the priorities in his life..like we were almost becoming friends - watching movies and passing out on weeknights with hardly a sex life at all. There were so many opportunities to try and ignite a spark but when I'd bring it up...he would always say that he didn't know why things were the way they were. That work was taking over his life. It's crazy how I'm so interested in going back to this relationship sometimes...but it's kind of like, all the frustrations have been removed during the breakup and all you think about are the sweet moments. Dinner #2 is tentatively scheduled for next week...so I'll keep you all posted!
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