PollyIvy Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 My H and I separated in May when we both moved far away. Haven't seen him since. He is doing N/C with me because he is seething with anger and just the sound of my voice makes him hyperventilate and struggle to remain calm. He is continuing his affair even though he doesn't live near her anymore, either. After we separated he sent me an email with no title saying he wants a divorce because he can't stand me anymore. He calls the kids and talks with them. Me: moved to a new place with our 3 kids, have been trying hard to take care of them and give them stability. Have been struggling to cope with my heartbreak, fears, anger, overwhelm, etc. Doing pretty good - got a therapist, doing meditation, taking things slow. 2 steps forward 1 step back. You all know the drill. Here it is: he is getting on a plane and coming to see 'his kids' in Oct. He will stay in a hotel and rent a car. He does not want to see me. I am 100% financially dependent on him. I have no job, and I have the 3 kids. I am freaking out here. I have no idea what to expect, cannot talk to him about logistics... he is going to be here for TWO WEEKS. I want the kids to have a good visit with their father, but not sure how I am going to hold up through the avoidance, the hostility, and yes, he will pull some emotional drama. (and after, is going for a secret love-vacation with his secret girlfriend). Any advice and how to cope with this much appreciated! He is in full-blown midlife crisis and blames me for everything.
Owl Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 Setup a schedule with him in advance. Setup a "drop point" where you can exchange the kids without being required to meet or have any interaction at all. Grandparent's home, neighbor's house, daycare facility...you get the idea. Have planned drop off/pick up times, with the kids having a 'layover' of a half an hour at the neutral place, so that there's no risk of the two of you meeting "by accident". Have the kids carry a journal with them in which either of you can leave notes like "please send them with swimsuits tomorrow, we're going to the pool" and such. You need to start documenting EVERY interaction with him in which he is emotionally abusive/etc... What's the "future plan" for the two of you? Divorce? What is preventing that from happening?
Author PollyIvy Posted September 28, 2011 Author Posted September 28, 2011 Ooo, Owl, thanks for the good ideas. I like the notebook idea so we can jot notes on what is going on the following day. I was thinking of emailing him a schedule of everything that is going on (sports practices and games, etc) - the kids' timetables. I think he wants to come in the house and hang around, put the kids to bed, etc. Not sure how that is going to pan out. He told me by email that he wants a divorce in August, so I am still digesting the news. As a typical dumpee, I am needing time to let go of the dream. But we have to wait because we have bothed moved to places where we can't file. So it will have to happen over Christmas and summer vacation when we are 'home'. I always marvel on here how many people have spouses or ex'es who actually speak to them. It's so hard for me to plan a visit, co-parent, plan a divorce, etc.
whichwayisup Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 Can I just ask one thing? And if it's too personal, I understand.. Why does he have so much resentment and venom towards you? Since HE was the one who cheated and had an affair..Why on earth is he being such a d^ck to you? There's no reason for him to be treating the mother of his children this way. He should respect you, and be courteous, polite for the kids sake. Doesn't have to hang out, talk about 'life', all he has to do be pleasent enough when it comes to the kids.
carhill Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 WWIU, this post from the OP might lend some clues. IME, admittedly with MW's, they develop enormous resentment for their H's over years of infidelity, regardless of the H's true actions or feelings. Their words rationalize their perspective, creating a 'monster' who any otherwise unknowing person would certainly agree deserves such disdain and ridicule. If this experience has traction, then H has created the OP as a similar 'monster' in his mind, a perspective which imbues his actions and words with the observed tone.
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