Bruised Not Broken Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 Some days I get it some days I don't. He is not coming back. My attempts at NC remain epic failures. I continued to converse...and in case anyone was wondering...it does nothing but make you hurt more. He is interested in how my dating/sex life is...wants me to find someone to love me for me and not just for the sex....gee thanks. I find myself saying things hoping to shake him into wanting to come back...and each time it blows up in my face like a firecracker. It hurts so much today. Because last night was my "ah ha" moment. He is not coming back. And it hurts so much I can't breathe. His life is moving on and he finds life without me better than life with me. I find life without him isn't worth living. Kinda sucks we aren't on the same page huh? I can't even say my heart is broken...it was annihilated. The fact that Sunday he loved me and can't wait to see me and on Monday he was just over me like I never existed hurts me to my core. I want answers..I want to understand...I want it to be the way it was. Well....before he lied and cheated...because after I was always scared and anxious...and insecure...which was why he left me. I turned into a neurotic mess. Now I'm broken beyond repair. Today is a day I just dont' want to go on in this pain. sorry for whining....I just needed to get it out before it made me cry at work AGAIN.
Kageytn Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 I'm really sorry. I think we have all been there and it hurts like hell. Call a friend for lunch or dinner. Exercise. Go somewhere but be active today and treat yourself kindly. No more contact! We can do this. We should start a support group-survivors of dating *******s!
Author Bruised Not Broken Posted September 28, 2011 Author Posted September 28, 2011 I need a support group. I look at my bottle of anxiety medicine and have thought many times 'just take them all...you'll go to sleep and it will be all over...no more sadness'. I don't know how much longer I can handle feelign this way.
littleme Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 I read the best piece of advice on thoughts like that. If you give in and take all your medicine you're denying the person you're meant to be with of meeting you. You may not know who they are yet, they may not know you but they're out there and you can't take the chance to be with them away from yourself or them. Things will get better, I'm trying to believe it myself but there's a little positive voice in my brain that keeps telling me not to give in, we'll survive and we'll be happy.
Author Bruised Not Broken Posted September 28, 2011 Author Posted September 28, 2011 Things will get better, I'm trying to believe it myself but there's a little positive voice in my brain that keeps telling me not to give in, we'll survive and we'll be happy. Thank you. I hope you are right. After almost 4 months I would think I'd feel better...but I just am still feeling like I don't want to go on. some days are better than others...but some days are so dark. I have children...so I would never harm myself...I know would hurt them more than any pain I am experiencing...but some days it's harder than others to remember that.
Yuzuki Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this pain. I've been there too. I'm almost three months out, I've lost count of the amount of times I cried at work and I still haven't stopped doing it. I've even ended up on the floor of the restrooms a few times, crying like hell and not finding any strength in me to get back up. Last night I had nightmare after nightmare about him and in the end I just lied awake crying until it was time to go to work. I guess what I want to say is... you're not alone. It really really sucks, but other people have made it through and so will we. As for a support group, have you seen this topic? A few people (including me) left their e-mail address there for you to contact them whenever you want to vent.
antz2411 Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 (edited) A few things, this is why I am a huge proponent of self worth. You have none. how could you take a cheating partner back? your tone, suggests, that you think he is the catch, not you. you think you are lucky to be with him and all your actions prove it, playing house, shacking up so quickly. No, I dont' give a damn how good the sex is i'm not fucng a woman 6 days a week becuase I have a life outside women. just how you should have a life outside men. You don't make yourself unavailable because it helps you, you should be unavailable because you are busy living. I think after a while, he saw you for for what you are and got tired of it. We are very quick to blame others in relationships, you were no challenge and you had no qualms about letting a man treat you the way he did. what man that thinks his worth a damn is going to stick around for that crap? I can't think of any. Edited September 28, 2011 by antz2411
Author Bruised Not Broken Posted September 28, 2011 Author Posted September 28, 2011 Antz...I'm not sure I'm "blaming" him....I have accepted the blame, that after he lied and cheated, I was having a hard time rebuilding the trust...and yeah, he got tired of me doubting him....but keep in mind, that after he lied and cheated, and tried to rebuild trust, I caught him AGAIN. So, I blame myself, for a) taking him back and accepting that treatment b) for not being able to get past the trust issues and being slightly neurotic after the other women came into the situation and c) for still wishing it could be fixed. I don't "blame" him for anything. We had a conversation about a month before we broke up where he admitted he needed to have some "new experiences" meaning other women...but wanted me to be ok with it. He wanted to get laid...but a bunch of random women. and...No I wasn't okay with that. So, that was ultimately where the beginning of the end came. So...Do I want THAT relationship back? No. Do I want what it was originally...or at least, what I thought it was? Yes. I guess it never truly was what I thought it was. So perhaps part of me just feels f'ing stupid. Maybe I wish I had left him when he treated me poorly and now my ego just can't handle having been cheated on AND dumped. Makes me feel like I wasn't good enough...despite him telling me repeatedly then and now that no one ever loved and cared for him like I did...but he is in a "selfish place" right now. So...if he got tired of me being who i was...well, that's pretty f'd up...because the only thing he didn't like about me was my anxiety that he caused. Still don't blame him. Maybe that is my problem.
antz2411 Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 you forgive yourself for taking back a man who wasn't even worthy of you from the start, you forgive yourself for not having any self respect, and forgive him for all the nasty crap he ever did to you. then you move on and live well! it sickens me to see good hearted people being devastated by crap like this. best redemption is growing up and moving on.
broken-and-lost Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 A few things, this is why I am a huge proponent of self worth. You have none. how could you take a cheating partner back? your tone, suggests, that you think he is the catch, not you. you think you are lucky to be with him and all your actions prove it, playing house, shacking up so quickly. No, I dont' give a damn how good the sex is i'm not fucng a woman 6 days a week becuase I have a life outside women. just how you should have a life outside men. You don't make yourself unavailable because it helps you, you should be unavailable because you are busy living. I think after a while, he saw you for for what you are and got tired of it. We are very quick to blame others in relationships, you were no challenge and you had no qualms about letting a man treat you the way he did. what man that thinks his worth a damn is going to stick around for that crap? I can't think of any. bit harsh m8, if he cheated or lied then that for someone with low confidence is going to cause major problems and we all know that we are blinded when we are in love and even when we know something is wrong or not working it's still very hard to walk away
broken-and-lost Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 Antz...I'm not sure I'm "blaming" him....I have accepted the blame, that after he lied and cheated, I was having a hard time rebuilding the trust...and yeah, he got tired of me doubting him....but keep in mind, that after he lied and cheated, and tried to rebuild trust, I caught him AGAIN. So, I blame myself, for a) taking him back and accepting that treatment b) for not being able to get past the trust issues and being slightly neurotic after the other women came into the situation and c) for still wishing it could be fixed. I don't "blame" him for anything. We had a conversation about a month before we broke up where he admitted he needed to have some "new experiences" meaning other women...but wanted me to be ok with it. He wanted to get laid...but a bunch of random women. and...No I wasn't okay with that. So, that was ultimately where the beginning of the end came. So...Do I want THAT relationship back? No. Do I want what it was originally...or at least, what I thought it was? Yes. I guess it never truly was what I thought it was. So perhaps part of me just feels f'ing stupid. Maybe I wish I had left him when he treated me poorly and now my ego just can't handle having been cheated on AND dumped. Makes me feel like I wasn't good enough...despite him telling me repeatedly then and now that no one ever loved and cared for him like I did...but he is in a "selfish place" right now. So...if he got tired of me being who i was...well, that's pretty f'd up...because the only thing he didn't like about me was my anxiety that he caused. Still don't blame him. Maybe that is my problem. Sorry your going through so much i was in similar position last year and it still hurts today but not as intense now. I refused to blame anything on my ex who dumped me and still today i put it all onto myself but the truth is both parties in some way share blame in a relationship failure try to remember his actions originally pt you in the mental state you were in which began to destroy your relationship if he had cared and loved you correctly you wouldn't have started having anxiety problems in relation to your relationship Try to hold your head up high and take every day as it comes
antz2411 Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 sorry, i know i do come off as harsh most of the time but i mean well :-)
Author Bruised Not Broken Posted September 28, 2011 Author Posted September 28, 2011 sorry, i know i do come off as harsh most of the time but i mean well :-) Sometimes tough love is all that works. I understood what you meant, even though you were a tiny bit rough...it helped. thanks. I won't lie...I did blast off an email...it was very cleansing...and it said basically screw you...I loved you and gave you all I had and you lied and cheated and then tried to blame me for the demise of our relationship...I deserved better and you will go on to suck the life out of the next fool. I won't let anyone do this to me again...You know how much love and care I have to give..and I am thankful that you have finally let me go to share it with someone that is truly deserving. YOu wanted to move on to some hot piece of ass...and guess what...that shallow bitch will just do to you what you did to me...use you until she find the next shiny new thing....and you will get what you deserve. So good luck. You lost someone that was truly amazing...and it's finally time I realize that and find someone equally as amazing to be happy with" Maybe if I say it...someday I'll believe it....NOW BRING ON THE NC.
broken-and-lost Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 sorry, i know i do come off as harsh most of the time but i mean well :-) sure you mean well and trying to motivate her to move forward we all need to if we want to be happy and healthly individuals, in the end guess we all know that really but someone told me on here you will move on when you are ready and not before that!!! no matter what people say you already know the answers to your own questions most of the time you just need to hear and feel other people care and will listen when your in so much pain. by taking the time to write on her post Antz your showing your trying to help m8 just some people struggle with tough love when they are suffering with low self confidence i know i did.
antz2411 Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 Sometimes tough love is all that works. I understood what you meant, even though you were a tiny bit rough...it helped. thanks. I won't lie...I did blast off an email...it was very cleansing...and it said basically screw you...I loved you and gave you all I had and you lied and cheated and then tried to blame me for the demise of our relationship...I deserved better and you will go on to suck the life out of the next fool. I won't let anyone do this to me again...You know how much love and care I have to give..and I am thankful that you have finally let me go to share it with someone that is truly deserving. YOu wanted to move on to some hot piece of ass...and guess what...that shallow bitch will just do to you what you did to me...use you until she find the next shiny new thing....and you will get what you deserve. So good luck. You lost someone that was truly amazing...and it's finally time I realize that and find someone equally as amazing to be happy with" Maybe if I say it...someday I'll believe it....NOW BRING ON THE NC. bruised i posted a thread last night.. and i think this actually might help you out with the bitterness and anger you have the best thing to do if you are bitter and angry is to live and live well. understand that the person in question, is doing the best they can at the time with what they have. They are making the best decisions they can possibly make. Just because the decision is not in your best interest doesn't mean it's not the right decision for them. I am also a firm believer that everything in my life that has happened, had to happen. Everything, the good and the bad, for me to be the person i am today. Nothing teaches better/more efficiently than pain. Sometimes lessons hurt, but you still have to learn them. So in a way I am somewhat thankful. I had a girl, thegirl that brought me here, stand me up countless times, once on my birthday, called me while d runk one night while getting railed when she was suppose to be going out with me, letting me hear the dude pound her.. i had never felt so bad in my life. I had a girl i dated not long before i found this site, for 8 months mind you, all of a sudden just walks out on me. But look at me now. I'm not only not mad at her in the least bit, i'm thankful. If I wasn't treated so harshly I would have not developed into the person I am today. I would have still been a naive average chump. I've had some women do some pretty nasty things to me in the past, i don't hold it against them even to this day. I look at what i did wrong, and there is always something you could have done better regardless, and i make sure i don't make the same mistake. I don't go out of my way to prove to them anything i just move on. That is the best redemption, growing up and moving on
antz2411 Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 but good for you though, if thats how you want to treat your situation and you think it will help you move on faster then so be it. everybody works in different ways. if you fail on that approach just find a new one until you find one that works for you.
Author Bruised Not Broken Posted September 28, 2011 Author Posted September 28, 2011 bruised i posted a thread last night.. and i think this actually might help you out with the bitterness and anger you have the best thing to do if you are bitter and angry is to live and live well. understand that the person in question, is doing the best they can at the time with what they have. They are making the best decisions they can possibly make. Just because the decision is not in your best interest doesn't mean it's not the right decision for them. I am also a firm believer that everything in my life that has happened, had to happen. Everything, the good and the bad, for me to be the person i am today. Nothing teaches better/more efficiently than pain. Sometimes lessons hurt, but you still have to learn them. So in a way I am somewhat thankful. I had a girl, thegirl that brought me here, stand me up countless times, once on my birthday, called me while d runk one night while getting railed when she was suppose to be going out with me, letting me hear the dude pound her.. i had never felt so bad in my life. I had a girl i dated not long before i found this site, for 8 months mind you, all of a sudden just walks out on me. But look at me now. I'm not only not mad at her in the least bit, i'm thankful. If I wasn't treated so harshly I would have not developed into the person I am today. I would have still been a naive average chump. I've had some women do some pretty nasty things to me in the past, i don't hold it against them even to this day. I look at what i did wrong, and there is always something you could have done better regardless, and i make sure i don't make the same mistake. I don't go out of my way to prove to them anything i just move on. That is the best redemption, growing up and moving on Antz...I know you are right...absolutely and completely. That is, the rational intelligent part of me...then there is the bruised emotional part of me that is covering it's ears saying "la la la I can't hear you". It know it will take some time for those two parts of me to meet. But, your post was good and I'm going to keep reading it. I know it's right. Maybe I needed to go through all this to learn to demand better treatment...and not to settle for someone that is lying and cheating. Maybe in the end I will have grown into someone with a little more self respect that I obviuosly had. But, I have to say, I never viewed it as not having self respect...I viewed it as giving him a second chance....a chance to prove it was a mistake...What the reason was the second time...well, that I can't rationalize. So...I guess I just believed I didn't deserve better...and maybe through this I will learn I do. I give 110% of my heart...I love and care about those in my life more than myself. And damn it...I deserve the same!!! So..I'm going to try to learn these lessons. ONe day at a time. Right?? Thanks guys
antz2411 Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 in the end, when you're healed from all this mess and you can think clearer... you will realize that you have nobody to blame but yourself.. for putting yourself in that situation, for letting someone devalue your worth as a person, and being naive because you were inlove with the wrong person who obviously wasn't deserving. when you realize this you'll eventually a) forgive yourself which will eventually lead you to forgiving your ex for his actions towards you which will lead you to a happy and healthy lifestyle or b) you'll do nothing about it because you let bitterness beat you down which will lead you to a very miserable life. we all have to make choices in life and i hope you make the right choices when the time comes.
Author Bruised Not Broken Posted September 28, 2011 Author Posted September 28, 2011 You are a wise one Antz I know I don't want to be bitter...and I know I don't want to be angry. And truth is, I want to forgive him for how he treated me. It's just not time yet. I still have some healing to do....and I'm certain in the end I will reach the right place. Because I am a forgiving person by nature. Right now I'm just wounded too. I get angry to get rid of the sad. But...I have no doubt I will eventually forgive...him at least...me, I'm not so sure. But...that's a topic for another thread....and perhaps another website
antz2411 Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 bruised im starting to think you are really broken not bruised! lol there you go again putting others above you. unless its immediate family you should never put anyone above yourself - meaning you love yourself first and foremost, you forgive yourself before you can forgive others for their faults. self preservation! you cant possibly forgive him and not forgive yourself - in the end you will still feel like crap! i know you're not a selfish person but dont you think its about time you you love you for once?
Thieves Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 So...Do I want THAT relationship back? No. Do I want what it was originally...or at least, what I thought it was? Yes. I guess it never truly was what I thought it was. So perhaps part of me just feels f'ing stupid. That's what it is, isn't it? I believe more than anything that most of us are grieving what originally was and what could've been, rather than the person themself. It's the destruction of all the love and dreams and fantasies and wishes that we built around this person, and trying to deal with that. Because now we have to start all over. Yes, we all feel a little stupid after putting ourselves in situations that weren't good for us, but that's the beauty of making mistakes. That feeling of 'stupidity' is what will keep you from making the same mistakes in the future. So the next time, if you suddenly find yourself in a similar situation where a man seems like he's cheated, and I hope you don't, you can look back on THIS time in your life and say, "Ah! But I've been through something like this before! And I know how that turned out." You'll be stronger, and have more wisdom to not settle for less. So in a way, the way you feel now - with all the unbearable pain and bruised ego -is what's going to save you from future pain. It's your saving grace, B'N'B, your shield to block out the men who are not right for you. The only thing is to not let this 'shield' prevent you from giving people a good first chance, too. Maybe I wish I had left him when he treated me poorly and now my ego just can't handle having been cheated on AND dumped. Makes me feel like I wasn't good enough...despite him telling me repeatedly then and now that no one ever loved and cared for him like I did... But B'N'B, you can't put your worth as a woman in his hands. By doing that, you're basically allowing him to shred it to pieces! And surely he would've kept doing that while you two were still together, if you had let him. I know it sounds odd to say it, but he really did do you a favor by letting you go after the whole cheating situation. He knows what he did, and he will come to terms with that himself - whether he does it now or three years later. Remember, no one can really make you feel less than worthy but yourself. The ego is a fragile thing, but it's not all of you. But you don't have to feel bad for crying, feeling pain or feeling "duped." It's your right as a woman - a naturally emotional and sensitive being - to feel your emotions all the way through. It's a beautiful thing in a way. It doesn't make you weak to cry, it makes you stronger because you're being real with yourself. You're not hiding behind anything. With each time you cry, your body is cleansing itself (which is true - there's actual scientific evidence about this), and just think, you're one step closer to that day where you won't cry anymore. And that day will come, since you'll eventually get sick to hell with crying. You just won't have the energy for it and you'll be able to put that beautiful energy into something else that will benefit you even more.
Kageytn Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 Bruised-How are you today? Have you talked to him? I've managed to go 24 hours and I feel pretty good about it. I am a little further out on my break up than you are and I promise it gets easier. It still hurts but I don't feel like a piece of me is missing. I wouldn't worry about forgiving him. I think of that line in "Kerosene" where she sings, "Now I don't hate the one that left, you can't hate someone that's dead." I was listening to it this morning running and it is so true. In his mind, make him dead to you. He was a cheater. He wanted you to be less than you. You are stronger. You are loyal. You are powerful. I hope your day goes better than yesterday. No contact.
Author Bruised Not Broken Posted September 29, 2011 Author Posted September 29, 2011 bruised im starting to think you are really broken not bruised! lol there you go again putting others above you. unless its immediate family you should never put anyone above yourself - meaning you love yourself first and foremost, you forgive yourself before you can forgive others for their faults. self preservation! you cant possibly forgive him and not forgive yourself - in the end you will still feel like crap! i know you're not a selfish person but dont you think its about time you you love you for once? LOL you made me laugh...you got me. Yes, it is time I start to love me. I'll have to start working on that one
Author Bruised Not Broken Posted September 29, 2011 Author Posted September 29, 2011 And surely he would've kept doing that while you two were still together, if you had let him. I know it sounds odd to say it, but he really did do you a favor by letting you go after the whole cheating situation. He knows what he did, and he will come to terms with that himself - whether he does it now or three years later. I do know that...he would have continued to do it. I told him that I should be thankful he finally stopped lying and disrespecting me so that I can find someone that deserves me....and I will find the love I deserve because I believe you get what you give...and so he's in for a boat load of trouble. he will find a hot little piece of ass that is always looking for her "next best thing" and he will get used. And one day he will realize what he lost. But I wish him luck. And I feel better today. I sent a very venting email...not mean...not bitter, but venting...and I didn't expect a reply and for once he didn't disappoint He couldnt' reply...he couldn't say I'm right...and he couldn't say I'm wrong....so he kept his mouth shut. And today is a good day
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