caseinpoint Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 How many of you think the "spark" could be created and at a later stage, even if you don't immediately like or are not at first attracted to a person? I'm asking because I wonder if there's a point in trying to go out with someone a few more times to see if there will be a spark later. Opinions and real life experiences to share?
shocked_confused Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 How many of you think the "spark" could be created and at a later stage, even if you don't immediately like or are not at first attracted to a person? I'm asking because I wonder if there's a point in trying to go out with someone a few more times to see if there will be a spark later. Opinions and real life experiences to share? I know exactly how your feeling! I'm in the situation right now, here's my scenario to which some people have replied: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t299858/ Honestly, I'm not sure what to do in this kind of scenario, but I think i will go out with him once more to see how it goes. Maybe you could do the same. But like someone had mentioned to me in my thread, you can't force a spark that isn't there....
Author caseinpoint Posted September 28, 2011 Author Posted September 28, 2011 I know exactly how your feeling! I'm in the situation right now, here's my scenario to which some people have replied: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t299858/ Honestly, I'm not sure what to do in this kind of scenario, but I think i will go out with him once more to see how it goes. Maybe you could do the same. But like someone had mentioned to me in my thread, you can't force a spark that isn't there.... I want to give it a go because he's one great person I feel is worth a shot. But I don't know if it will happen. Though I haven't known him for too long.
sunshinegirl Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 In general, I think this happens rarely. That being said, it happened to me! I was not initially interested in or attracted to a guy I met at a BBQ (though he was interested in me). 4-5 months later, after we spent some platonic time together, there was a bit of a spark. Then it ignited...then we got married...now we're expecting a baby. My husband was incredibly patient during that period where I wasn't interested but was kinda-sorta warming up to him. And the lack of spark had to do with ME, not him; I wasn't in the right head space for dating at first. Once I sorted myself out and was ready to date, I pretty quickly realized that he was what I had been looking for. (And, I should say, I came around in the nick of time because he had pretty much given up on me and had set up a blind date with someone else for the following week!)
counterman Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 Try going out with him again and see how it goes. Personally, if I don't feel, then I just don't feel it. Everyone of my experiences with this, I've moved on pretty much straight away. Many of my friends have criticised me though and have said that I don't know the other person well enough to just dust them off like that. One of my girl friend says she fell in love with her boyfriend after spending time with him, when originally there were no sparks. A lot of my friends got together because something more developed later on. But in saying that, I've learnt to not base my decisions on "chemistry", well I learnt not to put too much emphasis on it anyways. The last dozen or so girls I have approached, I've felt that spark or chemistry from, that spurs partly from physical attraction and partly due to their personality. However, the deeper things I'm looking for matters more, in regards to a relationship/partner, IMO. Coming straight from the mouth of the last girl I dated, "I know he's a great guy and all...but I just don't feel the chemistry!", or something along those lines.
Author caseinpoint Posted September 28, 2011 Author Posted September 28, 2011 In general, I think this happens rarely. That being said, it happened to me! I was not initially interested in or attracted to a guy I met at a BBQ (though he was interested in me). 4-5 months later, after we spent some platonic time together, there was a bit of a spark. Then it ignited...then we got married...now we're expecting a baby. My husband was incredibly patient during that period where I wasn't interested but was kinda-sorta warming up to him. And the lack of spark had to do with ME, not him; I wasn't in the right head space for dating at first. Once I sorted myself out and was ready to date, I pretty quickly realized that he was what I had been looking for. (And, I should say, I came around in the nick of time because he had pretty much given up on me and had set up a blind date with someone else for the following week!) Wow. That's great for you. What changed your mind about him? Try going out with him again and see how it goes. Personally, if I don't feel, then I just don't feel it. Everyone of my experiences with this, I've moved on pretty much straight away. Many of my friends have criticised me though and have said that I don't know the other person well enough to just dust them off like that. One of my girl friend says she fell in love with her boyfriend after spending time with him, when originally there were no sparks. A lot of my friends got together because something more developed later on. But in saying that, I've learnt to not base my decisions on "chemistry", well I learnt not to put too much emphasis on it anyways. The last dozen or so girls I have approached, I've felt that spark or chemistry from, that spurs partly from physical attraction and partly due to their personality. However, the deeper things I'm looking for matters more, in regards to a relationship/partner, IMO. Coming straight from the mouth of the last girl I dated, "I know he's a great guy and all...but I just don't feel the chemistry!", or something along those lines. One reason I'm willing to try, though apprehensive about whether sparks would happen eventually, is because he seems a better catch and person than a lot of guys I've dated. Someone you probably can spend your life with even if not have a fling with. Now I remember. There was this other guy that I eventually developed chemistry with. I grew to like him.
rie39 Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 Yes definitely. I felt no spark with the guy that I am currently dating on our first few dates. However I gave him a few more chances and after a few more dates I have started to like him and feel we now have a connection. He is a different person to who I thought he was early on in our dating. If I had not given him a chance I would be missing out on something incredible! Some people take a while to get to know, or to feel comfortable with, and are worth giving several chances to see if they are really compatible with you. Sometimes feeling that "spark" or connection is not something that just happens instantly.
Author caseinpoint Posted September 28, 2011 Author Posted September 28, 2011 Most of the guys I've dated were those I was at least almost immediately attracted to. I want the butterflies in my stomach before every date.
counterman Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 Well, if he seems like a good catch, you owe yourself to at least give it a few more tries It's just in my experience, there haven't been any girls that I thought were keepers... chemistry or not. But if I met one who really stood out, I would definitely try and see how it goes, if there weren't sparks to begin with. Sometimes this happens though, a person doesn't feel it for another originally so he/she decides to not date anymore. Then after a few weeks or months, he/she realises what a catch the other person was or he/she sees the other person dating someone else, and that usually ignites something. No harm in giving it another go right? If you're really not feeling it then, move on...
Author caseinpoint Posted September 28, 2011 Author Posted September 28, 2011 Well, if he seems like a good catch, you owe yourself to at least give it a few more tries It's just in my experience, there haven't been any girls that I thought were keepers... chemistry or not. But if I met one who really stood out, I would definitely try and see how it goes, if there weren't sparks to begin with. Sometimes this happens though, a person doesn't feel it for another originally so he/she decides to not date anymore. Then after a few weeks or months, he/she realises what a catch the other person was or he/she sees the other person dating someone else, and that usually ignites something. No harm in giving it another go right? I'm going to give it a try. He's a good person and I like him for that. It would be nice to be with someone fine and not have to go out with another lame guy again. I just don't have much experience going out with someone consciously knowing that I wasn't attracted to. The other time a spark developed with the guy I mentioned in an earlier post later happened unknowingly. I'm not sure how well I'll be on a date without the sparks.
counterman Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 (edited) I'm going to give it a try. He's a good person and I like him for that. It would be nice to be with someone fine and not have to go out with another lame guy again. I just don't have much experience going out with someone consciously knowing that I wasn't attracted to. The other time a spark developed with the guy I mentioned in an earlier post later happened unknowingly. I'm not sure how well I'll be on a date without the sparks. Good on you The girl I had a date with a few months ago, she said that she went out with this guy who she was instantly sexually attracted to him. She told me it was the first time she's ever felt that way about someone. Later turns out he was a player. I am the good guy and would treat her right but she doesn't feel that chemistry. Ideally, you would want to have both...those butterflies you feel and the good person you're feeling them for, but I would go with someone who treats me well over someone who doesn't but I'm attracted to. So, maybe a date with a good guy is a welcomed changed from the lame guys I completely understand though. If you're conscious of the fact that you're not attracted to him or even subconsciously, it'll be hard to interact on a more intimate level. IMO, you should just move on if it continues that way... I do believe though, if you spend enough time with someone alone, you will develop feelings for them, maybe moments of vulnerability, loneliness, etc. All the girls I haven't felt attraction for, I just couldn't be bothered seeing them again; it was too much effort. It felt really forced and felt really out of my way to even try again. Man, it's been a while since I've felt those crazing feelings that makes me really want to see someone. Just enjoy what the date is about, give it your best effort, smile graciously and you'll be right If you realise that you're really not feeling it, let him know and let him know why too, 'cause he's probably thinking you're feeling it for him if you're accepting his dates. Edited September 28, 2011 by counterman
Author caseinpoint Posted September 28, 2011 Author Posted September 28, 2011 Good on you The girl I had a date with a few months ago, she said that she went out with this guy who she was instantly sexually attracted to him. She told me it was the first time she's ever felt that way about someone. Later turns out he was a player. I am the good guy and would treat her right but she doesn't feel that chemistry. Ideally, you would want to have both...those butterflies you feel and the good person you're feeling them for, but I would go with someone who treats me well over someone who doesn't but I'm attracted to. So, maybe a date with a good guy is a welcomed changed from the lame guys I completely understand though. If you're conscious of the fact that you're not attracted to him or even subconsciously, it'll be hard to interact on a more intimate level. IMO, you should just move on if it continues that way... I do believe though, if you spend enough time with someone alone, you will develop feelings for them, maybe moments of vulnerability, loneliness, etc. All the girls I haven't felt attraction for, I just couldn't be bothered seeing them again; it was too much effort. It felt really forced and felt really out of my way to even try again. Man, it's been a while since I've felt those crazing feelings that makes me really want to see someone. Just enjoy what the date is about, give it your best effort, smile graciously and you'll be right Once you decide that you're really not feeling it, let him know and let him know why too, 'cause he's probably thinking you're feeling it for him if you're accepting his dates. Good advice. The player bit reminded me of what happened recently. I met this player and felt instant connection with him. Turned out, unsurprisingly, he just wanted to go straight to bed. But I was so attracted to him even though he wasn't all that attractive. I don't know whether it's because I feel like good men are either dead or taken that I feel I need to grab this opportunity. It's like subconsciously I'm telling myself that I have to take this no matter what because the pool is getting smaller. Not sure how fair that would be on him.
verhrzn Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 I think it depends on the gender and the specific people. I've known a lot of girls who didn't initially like a guy at first but later warmed up to him. It's never happened that way for me... if I don't feel a spark in the first two or three conversations, I absolutely never will. However, I have yet to meet a guy that wasn't initially attracted to a girl and then grew to want her. Guys seem to need at least some spark at the beginning.
counterman Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 Good advice. The player bit reminded me of what happened recently. I met this player and felt instant connection with him. Turned out, unsurprisingly, he just wanted to go straight to bed. But I was so attracted to him even though he wasn't all that attractive. I don't know whether it's because I feel like good men are either dead or taken that I feel I need to grab this opportunity. It's like subconsciously I'm telling myself that I have to take this no matter what because the pool is getting smaller. Not sure how fair that would be on him. It's such a powerful thing, isn't it? I don't know what's the deal but I met a girl recently who said she's only dated jerks/players. I think most girls knowingly wouldn't date those guys... but those guys do ramp up the attraction in them, whereas she wants to date a good guy but he may not do it for her attraction wise. Funny how that works. Most good men I know are taken by good women. It is an opportunity, not just for you but for him... obviously he sees something in you, or else he wouldn't be going out with you. So, you're giving yourself and him a chance at something. It would only be not fair on him if you're not feeling it but you're trying just because he's a catch because I think he's feeling that chemistry for you and he might be thinking that you're really into him as well. But, at least you have some clarity now. Try a date (maybe two) to see how things go... If you're not feeling it, let him know and move on. If you see something developing and it's getting you excited, awesome! If you decided to move on but later you find yourself still thinking of him, give him a call before he's taken Verhrzn, that's the case with me. I need something at the beginning... That's basically why I approach only girls I find attractive.
Author caseinpoint Posted September 28, 2011 Author Posted September 28, 2011 I think it depends on the gender and the specific people. I've known a lot of girls who didn't initially like a guy at first but later warmed up to him. It's never happened that way for me... if I don't feel a spark in the first two or three conversations, I absolutely never will. However, I have yet to meet a guy that wasn't initially attracted to a girl and then grew to want her. Guys seem to need at least some spark at the beginning. You're right. I'm willing to give this a shot. I'm not sure many guys would do it. It's such a powerful thing, isn't it? I don't know what's the deal but I met a girl recently who said she's only dated jerks/players. I think most girls knowingly wouldn't date those guys... but those guys do ramp up the attraction in them, whereas she wants to date a good guy but he may not do it for her attraction wise. Funny how that works. Most good men I know are taken by good women. It is an opportunity, not just for you but for him... obviously he sees something in you, or else he wouldn't be going out with you. So, you're giving yourself and him a chance at something. It would only be not fair on him if you're not feeling it but you're trying just because he's a catch because I think he's feeling that chemistry for you and he might be thinking that you're really into him as well. But, at least you have some clarity now. Try a date (maybe two) to see how things go... If you're not feeling it, let him know and move on. If you see something developing and it's getting you excited, awesome! If you decided to move on but later you find yourself still thinking of him, give him a call before he's taken Verhrzn, that's the case with me. I need something at the beginning... That's basically why I approach only girls I find attractive. Player attraction is really something. I wonder how they do it. But I left before it went any further because I wasn't up for being jerked around. I guess if I never felt the attraction for him and I saw him some time later with another woman, I might feel a little loss.
counterman Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 By the way, I'm curious, does he flirt with you, tease you, create any sexual tension? Has he kissed you?
Author caseinpoint Posted September 28, 2011 Author Posted September 28, 2011 By the way, I'm curious, does he flirt with you, tease you, create any sexual tension? Has he kissed you? Actually if you ask me, I could never tell he was attracted to me on our first meeting. He even seemed like he was being civil and keeping a distance. But after he asked me out again, I appreciated his persistence. I haven't known him a long time so we haven't kissed. He flirts a little but I don't think there was sexual tension. It seems quite slow, now that you mentioned.
youngskywalker Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 I wasn't head over heals at first with the current g/f I'm with. I gave it some time and I grew to like her. But there WAS some initial attraction to the point that the dates naturally kept coming. I just liked her. If the guy isn't into you then I doubt it would get past the third date. Maybe he's just on the sidelines and it's going to take some more time. I think it's worth continuing as long as you don't see major disinterest... meaning, you're chasing him. Don't forget men like what they can't have. You can always move on and see if he comes around but by that time you hopefully will have someone else you're seeing.
counterman Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 Actually if you ask me, I could never tell he was attracted to me on our first meeting. He even seemed like he was being civil and keeping a distance. But after he asked me out again, I appreciated his persistence. I haven't known him a long time so we haven't kissed. He flirts a little but I don't think there was sexual tension. It seems quite slow, now that you mentioned. Wow, he seems like a true gentleman. I though there wouldn't have been any kissing or intense flirting. No wonder why you're not feeling those sparks. Basically, making a move and not making a move was the difference for me a second date... and I think the reason why was because the girls didn't know I was really attracted to them...but then again, if a girl was really interested in me, she could wait a least one more date for the kiss right? I think if he was more aggressive, you'll be feeling it. Slow is sometimes a good thing, if there's sexual tension... it builds anticipation, and then you get this explosion of feelings. Slow is sometimes a bad thing, as it might signal disinterest to the other person. So, I don't know!
Author caseinpoint Posted September 28, 2011 Author Posted September 28, 2011 I wasn't head over heals at first with the current g/f I'm with. I gave it some time and I grew to like her. But there WAS some initial attraction to the point that the dates naturally kept coming. I just liked her. If the guy isn't into you then I doubt it would get past the third date. Maybe he's just on the sidelines and it's going to take some more time. I think it's worth continuing as long as you don't see major disinterest... meaning, you're chasing him. Don't forget men like what they can't have. You can always move on and see if he comes around but by that time you hopefully will have someone else you're seeing. He's doing most of the chasing. What I mean by slow is that his interest didn't show in person. I wouldn't have been able to tell from body language if not for words. Strange?
Author caseinpoint Posted September 28, 2011 Author Posted September 28, 2011 Wow, he seems like a true gentleman. I though there wouldn't have been any kissing or intense flirting. No wonder why you're not feeling those sparks. Basically, making a move and not making a move was the difference for me a second date... and I think the reason why was because the girls didn't know I was really attracted to them...but then again, if a girl was really interested in me, she could wait a least one more date for the kiss right? I think if he was more aggressive, you'll be feeling it. Slow is sometimes a good thing, if there's sexual tension... it builds anticipation, and then you get this explosion of feelings. Slow is sometimes a bad thing, as it might signal disinterest to the other person. So, I don't know! Aggressive would be good if I feel it at the moment of "aggression." Aggressive would be bad if it scared the hell out of me and I wanted to run.
counterman Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 Aggressive would be good if I feel it at the moment of "aggression." Aggressive would be bad if it scared the hell out of me and I wanted to run. Touche Aggressive but not too aggressive and aggressive at the right moment is good Let us know how it goes!
grkBoy Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 I think it depends on the person in question. Some people want things to happen initially or they'll forever write someone off. Others will take time, get to know someone, keep it friendly, and then suddenly like this person because of how "real" they are.
sunshinegirl Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 Wow. That's great for you. What changed your mind about him? There were two initial barriers for me. The first was that I really was on a dating hiatus so I wasn't in a romantic frame of mind, period. That barrier lifted once I ended the guyaitus a few months later and started going on dates here and there with a couple of different guys. The second initial barrier is that my H didn't "fit" my physical type. He's a bigger guy and was starting to bald a bit, and I had always dated more athletic types who weren't losing their hair. For a long time, then, I just didn't feel a physical spark toward him. But what I couldn't deny was how much fun we had when we spent time together. He was great to talk to, made me laugh more than anyone I've ever known, and as I got glimpses of his character and values, I liked what I saw. I held him at arm's length for a couple of months (poor guy!) but finally some girlfriends convinced me that if I wanted to know whether there would ever be any spark with him, I had to kiss him. So I did. And there was the beginning of a spark. So we went out a few more times, I was open to more physical contact, and I grew more and more attracted to who he is in his entirety. And before long the spark grew into a fire.
Cee Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 I usually give things my best shot. I bring my A game and try to be charming, playful, and lively. And if I feel like a leaden lump at the end of the date, I know something is off. One time I had a friend I kind of liked. He was an adventurer and well traveled. But I wasn't physically attracted to him. We worked together for a documentary screening at a local theater. We spent 6 hours a day together for 10 days. It was an intense experience because we spent so much time together, mostly him and I. By the end of the 10 days I was gaga. And we became a couple. I don't think you can simulate that kind of intensity with a casual dating thing. Might work better with a friend.
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