Petrichette Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 Hi, my husband won't stop cheating yet won't leave me. Believe me if I had a choice I'd leave him, but 3 children, one special needs..I'd be housed miles away taking them away from school. Wouldn't be fair and he knows I wouldn't do that to them. He can leave just like that, he has places to go. But it's also unhealthy for the children living in a house of stress. I asked him to just behave until he leaves me. Just for my sanity. It's horrible feeling like a fool, facing women in the street he's been with. He won't. He won't tell the truth either, the most amazing, laughable even, excuses for the evidence I come across (I no longer deliberately snoop, I can't take the stress but sometimes he leaves himself logged in..) it's been over 3 years of this crap. I don't blame him for cheating, he lost his job, I am critical of the financial mistakes he makes (how can I not nag, I have children to feed), so women telling him he's wonderful boosts his ego make shim feel better but it's so destructive. What hurts is the lying, that he can't tell me the truth...even when went to counselling he still cheated leading me to believe he wanted to make it work. We are all miserable, I just want him to make a decision. I am also incredibly frustrated, he meets the needs of other women, the EA is worse because he engages in conversations he refuses to with me, so I never get that kind of experience. He's always been a bit of a prude with me and it hurts incredibly that he isn't with them. He says he does it because I don't believe he loves me and he's furious that I could think that of him! Well he may say the words but his actions tell me something else. I am in counselling on my own as well as couples to try and cope with my situation, life is too short. Why won't he let me move on, either to work at our marriage or to separate? He must be miserable too!
oldguy Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 Hi, my husband won't stop cheating yet won't leave me. Believe me if I had a choice I'd leave him, but 3 children, one special needs..I'd be housed miles away taking them away from school. Wouldn't be fair and he knows I wouldn't do that to them. He can leave just like that, he has places to go. But it's also unhealthy for the children living in a house of stress. So your saying you can not leave him but you want him to leave you? I asked him to just behave until he leaves me. Just for my sanity. It's horrible feeling like a fool, facing women in the street he's been with. He won't. He won't tell the truth either, the most amazing, laughable even, excuses for the evidence I come across (I no longer deliberately snoop, I can't take the stress but sometimes he leaves himself logged in..) it's been over 3 years of this crap. I don't blame him for cheating, he lost his job, I am critical of the financial mistakes he makes (how can I not nag, I have children to feed), so women telling him he's wonderful boosts his ego make shim feel better but it's so destructive. And now your making excuses for him to cheat? Really? What hurts is the lying, that he can't tell me the truth...even when went to counselling he still cheated leading me to believe he wanted to make it work. We are all miserable, I just want him to make a decision. I am also incredibly frustrated, he meets the needs of other women, the EA is worse because he engages in conversations he refuses to with me, so I never get that kind of experience. He's always been a bit of a prude with me and it hurts incredibly that he isn't with them. He says he does it because I don't believe he loves me and he's furious that I could think that of him! Well he may say the words but his actions tell me something else. Again, I'm confused; he cheats because you don't love him & that makes him angry... so he cheats? I am in counselling on my own as well as couples to try and cope with my situation, life is too short. Why won't he let me move on, either to work at our marriage or to separate? Why don't you take control? You want him to leave you because it would be better but you won't do it? He must be miserable too! Yes, the poor thing, I'll just bet he is. Your situation sucks and your waiting for your tormentor to make it better, WTH!? And your in counselling? Seriously? What does your councilor doing for you?
oldguy Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 (edited) duplicate msg Edited September 28, 2011 by oldguy
Author Petrichette Posted September 28, 2011 Author Posted September 28, 2011 No I love him still, but because I question his love for me that makes him angry and that's why he does it, that's his reason. I don't leave because of the children, took many years to get the right support for my autistic son at school and I can't take him away from that. I'd feel too guilty doing that just so I can be happier. Why my husband doesn't feel that guilt I don't know! I want him to leave or stay and work at our marriage. Ideally the latter.
oldguy Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 No I love him still, but because I question his love for me that makes him angry and that's why he does it, that's his reason. I don't leave because of the children, took many years to get the right support for my autistic son at school and I can't take him away from that. I'd feel too guilty doing that just so I can be happier. Why my husband doesn't feel that guilt I don't know! I want him to leave or stay and work at our marriage. Ideally the latter. Gotcha, your married to a jerk & your hoping he miraculously turns into a prince. That sucks. I'm guessing you live in a smaller community as well.
Lexygirl Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 First off, I want to say that you seem to be making every excuse in the book to stay with him hoping that some day he will stop cheating and become the father and husband you all deserve. Obviously that's not going to happen judging by his past behaviour. Regarding your son, schools have files on each child which tells exactly what the child's issues are and accommodations that are being used. These files are transferable to ANY school. So if you need to change schools, the files will go with him and the new school absolutely should be able to give him the help and accommodations that he was receiving at the old school. Only you can decide how much you can take but it sounds like you are at your wits end and if that's the case, you need to put your foot down and make some changes. The clock doesn't ever stop tickin ... believe me. Use all the supports around you that you have to make your changes. Good luck.
Author Petrichette Posted September 28, 2011 Author Posted September 28, 2011 I know if I absolutely had to leave I could, but the fall out would be huge, I am self employed and it would be detrimental to my business and the school issue. He can't afford to rent this house on his own anyway. I want to avoid as much upheaval as possible...try and make him see sense and make a decision without upsetting everything even more. We've been to couples counselling, it's fairly superficial, just about making time to talk to each other and it was sort of going ok but only because I was less angry, because I thought he'd stopped cheating and there was hope. But he lied to the counsellor too! I found texts arranging to meet a girl on the same day we had counselling. He lies in general so I do think he needs help, lies even when it's not important, silly things, exaggerating. But he tells me he went to a counsellor once who said it was all my fault. I know it doesn't work like that having had counselling on my own for over a year now. Mine is mainly for self esteem as it's pretty non existent now. If the man I gave 14 years of my life to and 3 children thinks I'm not worth the truth, that my life is his to waste and play games with then nobody else will think I'm worth anything. This women appear to not mean anything...there seems to be a pattern. He has a bad day and then he goes fishing, messaging a few women at a time to see who goes for it. Some have been more serious and PA (he said he bought condoms to upset me on purpose...) but he still denies it despite me talking with these women, dates adding up where he was away all night etc. He clearly wants support that I can't give him while he is hurting me like this. I wish he'd realise if he stopped this I would be able to give him what he needs.
Owl Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 Here's what you need to recognize. He's not going to stop, he's not going to change. You've described a type of man who simply is completely self-centered to the point of not caring who he hurts as long as he gets what he wants. This isn't a fluke, this isn't a string of accidents...it's all an indication of personality and long-term behavior. Knowing that...knowing that he won't change and that you can't change him...then it all falls back to this...what are you going to do, knowing that if you stay with him as things are, nothing will ever change? You can either stay and learn to accept it as the cost of "keeping him"...or you can take the risks and leave in the hopes of having a better life. Those are pretty much the only choices you have in this situation. Sorry I can't paint a nicer picture, but if you're going to make a choice of any kind, you need to do so with your eyes wide open.
Recommended Posts