FreeMe Posted May 13, 2004 Posted May 13, 2004 My boyfriend lives with me. He is in the process of getting a divorce. When he first moved in he wanted to marry me. NOW he says he's not marrying me anytime soon, but will still marry me eventually. I thought a year after the divorce was a reasonable amount of time, but he says we can DISCUSS it a year after the divorce. He has made a decision on his own without talking to me about it, to build a house on some family property. I was upset about that because it's a pretty big decision to make about where you're going to live and all. Plus, the property is his sister's so it wouldn't belong to just the two of us even after we were married. He's decided that and he told me take it or leave it. Let's just say I accept that. Now, he wants to back off even more. He wants to maintain a room at his mom's. I feel like we're going backwards. He wants to date me and see me whenever he feels like it, and stay over whenever he feels like it, but run somewhere else and not deal with anything whenever he feels like it. This is not what I bargained for. We were supposed to get married and have a life together and everything is changing. I think if he can't deal with living with me and his feelings obviously have subsided a bit, then how or why would he ever marry me? And we're going backwards - from wanting to get married and living together - to dating. WTF. I think this is just the handwriting on the wall so I told him if he wants to stay at his mom's then it's finished. We're done. I'm in my late 30s and don't want to just be kept hanging on for years. What do you all think?
Pyrannaste Posted May 13, 2004 Posted May 13, 2004 I think this is just the handwriting on the wall so I told him if he wants to stay at his mom's then it's finished. We're done. I'm in my late 30s and don't want to just be kept hanging on for years. You told him what most ladies would have never had the strenght/courage to tell their boyfriend and you are to admire for this. I think it was the right thing to do, it's not like you broke up....you just informed him that you don't want to be kept hanging on for years, when he was the one backing off! the 'take it or leave it' is a terirble attitude. He did not discuss with you about buying a house. He did not *even*inform you *before*he did it. It alone is a big red flag. Very well done......I guess he can still make up his mind and ask you to marry you if he realizes you are too important to lose you. but you are not going to waste years with a man who risks ending up not marrying you at all.
Author FreeMe Posted May 13, 2004 Author Posted May 13, 2004 Thanks for your support Pyrannaste. I'm so disappointed. He's moving out this weekend. I feel insulted that he expects me to accept "dating" when we were supposed to get married and have a life together. I don't know why he thinks it's ok for me to settle for someone who's offering me nothing but "having a good time and enjoying each other's company".
2ndConfusedfemale Posted May 13, 2004 Posted May 13, 2004 I agree with you. You seem to know what you want/don't want, and what you'll settle and not settle for, so don't sacrifice your beliefs for him (you'll only hate yourself later for it)...If he wants to "date" you, I think that you should make it clear to him that he will not be having fiance' priviledges, it will not be exclusive, I think that he needs to know that he cannot put you on hold, and deal with you at his convenience. You don't have to be nasty about it, but I think that you should just put it out there that you want THIS, and if he can't give it too you, as much as it's going to hurt, you're going to find someone else who wants to give "this" to you.
Pyrannaste Posted May 13, 2004 Posted May 13, 2004 I can feel your disappointment..... it is understandable that people change their mind sometimes, and that people can act stupid and rush enthusiastically into relationships and make promises and say things they won't be able to hold to, but I don't like one bit the way he is acting. Did this new attitude of him come completely out of the blue, like one day tells you he hopes to marry you soon, and the next one makes this decision without consulting you and wants to get back to dating again, or has he been backing off gradually? Be strong whatever is going to happen, I hope he will realize he is losing you and realize it is you he wants to be with, but if you'll end breaking up keep in mind you did the very best thing for yourself.
SoleMate Posted May 13, 2004 Posted May 13, 2004 I agree with you, 2ndConfusedfemale. (You actually don't sound confused at all.) FreeMe, you can't control your bf, as you know...but you can control yourself! You know what you want, so don't settle for less. Actions speak louder than words, and his actions clearly say, "FreeMe does not participate in important decisions about my future." I don't want to just be kept hanging on for years... Brava! I wish every woman out there who's "waiting for commitment" would just get up and say, "Bite me." It ain't gonna happen. Once a fella gets comfy in some half-baked setup, he'll settle in for the long haul, and when the woman says it isn't working, he just turns up the volume on the TV. Some "couples" spend decades this way. We all only go around the circle of life once. Let's spend it doing what we value most.
Author FreeMe Posted May 13, 2004 Author Posted May 13, 2004 Originally posted by SoleMate his actions clearly say, "FreeMe does not participate in important decisions about my future." Thank you Solemate - that made me giggle. Thank you all for your support. I just know that I'm going to get more and more panicky about waiting, and that waiting for a committment and this backwards walk of his also does not make me feel very secure. It's not that I'm dying to marry for the sake of getting married. But I'm at an age where if I'm not getting married then I need to start planning for my future ALONE. Not planning for a future with someone who may or may not be in it. To answer your question Pyrannaste - it has been kind of gradual. I have been accepting less and less and I'm tired of it. I feel like I deserve more. He's telling me it's all or nothing with me, but that's not true. I have compromised again and again. He's the one who has the "take it or leave it" attitude. Times when I've said he has not been affectionate or has been distant, he has said to me "this is the real me and I'm not going to change. If you have a problem with it, tell me now. You either accept it or you don't."
2ndConfusedfemale Posted May 13, 2004 Posted May 13, 2004 Originally posted by SoleMate I agree with you, 2ndConfusedfemale. (You actually don't sound confused at all.) thanks. I'm that type that can do okay with everyone else, but when it comes to myself I can't see things objectively. It doesn't help that I confuse love with wanting to win (I'm working on that)... ANYWAY, FreeMe, it's not that you should start "preparing" for a future alone (he's not the end of the world, and your getting older isn't the end of the marriage possibility either), but I think that right now you should be preparing for a future which may not have this guy in your life they WAY that you wanted him to be. And since the idea of you (possibly) not getting married isn't that hard for you, you should be able to take comfort in knowing that you aren't going to sacrifice your beliefs, and self respect for a maybe/might from this guy. I'm 21, and I've never had a real boyfriend, and there are guys who say stupid things like why haven't you had a boyfriend, you could've been my girl (this statement comes from guys who are asking me to help them cheat), and my response is always, "I don't want ANY kind of relationship, or a boyfriend like you" --getting a boyfriend is easy, getting a good one is what I want.
Author FreeMe Posted May 14, 2004 Author Posted May 14, 2004 Originally posted by 2ndConfusedfemale It doesn't help that I confuse love with wanting to win (I'm working on that)... Wow, that's a new one to me. I've never heard that. Interesting. I'm 21, and I've never had a real boyfriend, and there are guys who say stupid things like why haven't you had a boyfriend, you could've been my girl (this statement comes from guys who are asking me to help them cheat), and my response is always, "I don't want ANY kind of relationship, or a boyfriend like you" --getting a boyfriend is easy, getting a good one is what I want. EXACTLY!!! Guys always say "Oh, it's so easy for women. They can always find someone." yeah, we can always find a psycho or an a**hole. That IS easy. It's finding someone decent that's difficult. Thanks for your input. You're right in what you're saying. I feel I already have sacrificed some of my self-respect. I have compromised over and over and the last couple of months I haven't been happy and I think that's why. It's like he makes the rules, there's no compromise on his part, and I have to either accept it or end it. Those are my choices over and over again. And I've for the most part accepted the "rules". I'm not doing it anymore. He wants to go stay at his mom's and continue to see me when I feel that doing that would be allowing myself to be used, and that goes against my principals. I'm not going to keep accepting his rules and chipping away at my self-respect and self-esteem. But that said, it's not that easy. His two major faults are that he can be a really cold person and he can be very rigid in his thinking. Otherwise, he's a good guy. But I can't allow him to decide when or if we're getting married, where we're going to live if we do, or that he wants to live with me then doesn't want to live with me but still wants all the benefits of living with me. He wants his own space but he wants to be able to come and go in mine whenever he feels like it. If he wants to be away from me, he's going to know what being away from me really feels like.
Author FreeMe Posted May 14, 2004 Author Posted May 14, 2004 Update: I suggested an alternative to him and he turned it down. I said that we should take a break from each other for some space - he could stay at his mom's a few weeks, but not move out of my place. We'd spend the time apart, alone, thinking. He could clear his head and then we could decide. If we came to the same conclusion, at least we spent some time thinking about it. His response was: "I'll have my stuff out by the end of the weekend." It's his way or the highway.
Author FreeMe Posted May 17, 2004 Author Posted May 17, 2004 Another update: He kind of caved in this weekend and asked if I would be okay with him staying through the summer and then re-evaluate things (his divorce is final at the end of the summer). He'd rather not talk about the future until that's all over. He did backpedal a little on the getting married issue - at first he had made it sound like it would be years. Now he's saying that he wasn't thinking of putting it off for years. We talked about some other things - I told him the misgivings I had and he said maybe he should move out, we wouldn't see each other for the summer, and then we could reevaluate things after the divorce. Then we started talking about the summer and it just seemed stupid to spend the summer apart if all we're doing is taking a "break". So we decided to stay together and see how things go. I'm still not sure things will work out, but at least he knows I was serious about it ending and I didn't back down. If things don't go well or feel right, we can still part. What do you think? Do you think I'm being a coward or what??
Pyrannaste Posted May 17, 2004 Posted May 17, 2004 Thanks for posting the update...... it sounds like good news. I hope he *really* understood you were serious. Hopefully by the time he will have got the divorce, you'll be engaged. I really hope he'll make up his mind soon. Spending the summer together sounds like a good idea to me. My personal opinion is that it is easier to decide if you really want to marry someone while you're spending time with them than when you are apart. Anyway make sure he knows he had better decide soon, since you can't allow to waste much time on a man who won't commit!
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