PIM Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 I've been dating a girl I've met online for about a year now. Up until this point I've never been in a serious relationship. I've been on many dates from an online site and had dates outside of a dating site but I've been either too much of an idiot or too much of a wuss to make them work. Basically I've always been too scared to make a move and get rejected. So now I'm in my late twenties and I'm completely clueless when it comes to relationships. My question is that a year in is it normal that sometimes I don't find her that attractive. Other times I definitely do but sometimes I don't know I'm kind of like 'eh'. Right now I'm trying to figure out how much I care about her and I'm not quite sure. I think I'm comfortable but I wonder if this is all normal? After just one year should I still be all hot and heavy for her?
Voldar Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 Now I can't technically answer your question. However, it is to my assumption that you have to work hard to keep a relationship flowing well. It is my opinion that you could love anyone you choose to if you work at it, as long as there are some attractions to each other. It takes two people to make the relationship work. There are probably times when you lose a bit of interest, but renewing that interest is how you keep the relationship going. That's my 2 pennies on the matter.
Lucky_One Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 In general, I would say that you just aren't that in to her. "Comfortable" is wonderful, but it needs to come after a few years of incredible attraction. Otherwise, you don't have the time/memories/background/bonding issues to fall back on when you meet some other woman that you are attracted to (and you WILL meet someone else that you are attracted to). If all you have is comfort and all you see in the future is comfort and all you remember in the past is comfort, then most people throw away the comfort and go for the passion.
Author PIM Posted September 28, 2011 Author Posted September 28, 2011 I sometimes am really attracted to her and our sex life is good but I wouldn't say amazing. The first few months I was really into our sex life. I couldn't get enough of her basically be all over her as soon as we were alone. That period seems to have faded away now and right now the sex is good and I do care about her. There are also things I really love about her how she laughs, her smile, sense of humor, frugal and how she melts over things that are cute. And mostly my issues are the physical I sometimes don't like how her skin looks, wish sometimes she had bigger boobs and sometimes I look at the wrinkles around her eyes and they're a turn off. Now I guess my question is, am I being completely shallow and stupid? Or is this just a normal phase of a relationship and it's just that the Honeymoon period is over?
Author PIM Posted September 28, 2011 Author Posted September 28, 2011 Another thing I'm afraid of is that since this is my first serious relationship that I'm just hanging on because I'm afraid I won't get anyone better. I'm too chicken to actually go up and approach women in the street or in bars. I've done speed dating without much success. So far online dating has been my best avenue and the girl I just met has absolutely been the best one.
Cee Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 This is a hard question to answer because you have stumbled upon one of the central truths of relationships - that timing matters. I met a wonderful man who was hands down one of the best people I have ever met. But I was 18 and the timing wasn't right. We had a wonderful, one-year relationship and I knew I needed to move on. I was simply too young for a settled relationship. Our break up was peaceful and mutual. Choosing yourself over someone else is hard. You aren't leaving her for a clear reason, but to be single and live life apart from her. I suspect you have fallen out of love with her. But you still care for her as a person and admire her amazing qualities. I cannot give you an answer, but I can tell you that what you are feeling is natural. Let your gut instincts and your heart guide you.
Lucky_One Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 My young friend, if you think her wrinkles around her eyes are bad now, you are in for a rude awakening as she ages. Seriously, I never even NOTICED imperfections in either of my H's. They were just part of the man I loved.
Author PIM Posted September 28, 2011 Author Posted September 28, 2011 I'm not saying the wrinkles are hideous but I do notice the crows feet. This is why I'm thinking I might too judgmental about her looks. I do have a tendency to be very picky about the girl I'm with and I'm wondering if I'm doing that with her. I look around at all the girls in my life whether it be friends, girlfriends of friends, and etc... she's the most appealing to me by a wide margin. Obviously there are girls that are knock outs in the office, walking the street, some here and some there on match.com or some other dating websites but those women, if I'm being reasonable here, are way out of my league. I don't think I have the confidence or experience to ever get those girls. Ugh... but then again I wonder if I'm settling and if I'll be an old man with regrets... God sometimes I really wish all my emotions would just go away. I'm getting complete mixed signals. And I wish I could trust my gut/instinct but I wonder if I can since I have such little experience with women/relationships?
Cypress25 Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 And mostly my issues are the physical I sometimes don't like how her skin looks, wish sometimes she had bigger boobs and sometimes I look at the wrinkles around her eyes and they're a turn off. You know, some women don't wear makeup every day. That's what you're seeing. You'll never find a woman who has perfect skin and no wrinkles without makeup. Even the most gorgeous female celebrity you can think of probably looks quite ordinary without makeup. And everyone has laugh lines around their eyes. You're being too picky, my friend.
Eddie Edirol Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 PIM, if theres things that bug you about her now, they WILL bug you even worse in the future, and you will kill your relationship because of it. YOu have to think of it in terms of how much would you miss her if she dumped you right now. Also, if youre going to be that picky, (I am too) then you have to do the research and work that it takes to get the woman you really want. It could be immature, it could be superficial, but if it bugs you, it wont ever stop bugging you. Even if she dumped you, and you got her back, and appreciated her more, we are adaptive creatures, you will get used to her again, and you will find yourself in the same place with her. So dont stay with her because you dont think you can do any better. LEARN how to do better so you can find someone that you will truly be satisfied with. And make sure you improve yourself so that the woman you date will be totally satisfied with you.
Author PIM Posted September 28, 2011 Author Posted September 28, 2011 Actually we're on a break right now that I initiated because I thought I might go and roll the dice and try to get a girl that I find more attractive but after a few weeks I started to miss her like crazy. I started getting scared I might lose her forever to another guy. So I reached out and we're suppose to meet soon to talk about our relationship. Here's the thing as much as I miss her now, when I was with her those weeks ago I definitely thought why not roll the dice and see what I can get but then I started thinking about what if the new girl doesn't have her sense of humor, isn't as fun as her, doesn't share the same values, is someone I don't trust, doesn't have her smile, isn't as sweet and affectionate as she is, and etc... And on top of that I'm suppose to find her sexy after a year in? Who's to say that will happen either and if it does I think it might be worst if I get blinded by beauty and basically with a person cause they're hot and I love to see her naked then to settle for a girl that I do see the flaws but has so many other things that are amazing. I just really wonder the chances of finding that person seems impossible and that my pickiness will eventually leave me alone and regretful. But again that's my logical brain. The smaller one tells me to go find and **** as many hot girls that will have me. And some how some way I'll transform myself into a guy that will have hot girls all over him even though this has never really been the case. I've had girls be interested in me that I thought were way out of my league but that was few and far between. It's so frustrating.... I would love to be in love with this girl but I'm not sure that I am. I care for I want her to be happy but at the same time I'm afraid of either wasting her time because I know she wants to have kids and a family or me being in a bad marriage. After a year together I know I care for her but I don't know if I love her. Am I suppose to know if I love her and want to spend my life with her after one year? She told me she's in love with me but I haven't been able to say it yet.
Eddie Edirol Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 You have plenty of time to find someone else that will be as much fun as she is. Also, you wont be blinded by beauty, because you will have sensitive radar, and you wont settle for a boring personality to get beauty. You will be able to get what you want, as long as you dont look back, and you dont put a time limit on it, and you have no problem bieng alone. Theres a bigger picture, and you dont have to get the perfect looking woman, just one that you wont have a problem with in the future. And you will find one that could be more fun than your gf is now. You'll see. You just have to date around to see it. You will run into more personalities and learn more of what you want and dont want. Just have patience.
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