The lack of chase is turning me off...but I really want to like him :(

September 28, 2011

There's this guy (let's call him Fred)that I've known since high school. We had a crush on each other and always kind of flirted but both of us were too shy at the time to make a move, so nothing happened back then. Both of us went away to separate colleges and we drifted apart for about 6 years, occasionally running into each other if we visited out hometowns.

I was in a long term relationship with someone else all through college and became single almost a year ago. I've been really enjoying my single life this past year and I'm so content just spending time/going out/going on vacations with all my girlfriends and meeting new people.

So, a few weeks ago Fred messages out of the blue asking me to go for drinks with him and catch up on life. We go and have a great conversation, talked about our new careers, old friends, and traveling. Overall, I had a good time and enjoyed his company. I even thought about the possibility of us being together and I could tell by the things he was saying that he is looking to settle down and wants an LTR.

We have since been on 2 dates, plus one party with him and all of our friends (all initiated by him). We've kissed a few times and I somewhat enjoy it but I'm not sure how I feel about him. The problem is that I really do like him as a friend and he's a great guy but so far I am not feeling that spark and excitement that you feel when you first start dating someone. I don't have the desire to just grab him and kiss him, etc,etc. We're going on another date tomorrow and I'm not looking as forward to it as I did our first few dates.

I think the reason behind this is that he is so attainable and I know I can get into an LTR with him if I want to (I know, I probably sound very immature and unappreciative of someone so good to me...trust me, I feel like a jerk). My friends think I should give him a chance and go out with him a few more times to see if my feelings for him grow deeper. But at the same time, I don't know if I'd be leading him on.

This is so disappointing to me because I've always been so fond of him and sometimes wondered what it would be like if we had gotten together in our high school years. It's like I'm throwing it all away!

What would you do if you were me? Give it a fair shot and go out a few more times or stop seeing him?

September 28, 2011

If you really do want something with him, then this could be your chance. You could at first see where it goes and go from there. Just because he's a bit shy to aggressively chase and attainable as you say doesn't mean you guys will not be happy together.

And if you just want to grab him and kiss hem, then do it. Guys want to see signals of reciprocation too.

One thing is worrisome though and that's your doubt. You don't seem sure about him. Do you feel attracted enough to him for an LTR?

September 28, 2011

It's possible that your high school crush just faded over the years. Maybe try going out with him once more, and if you're still not feeling it, let him down gently.

September 28, 2011

This happens all too often. Don't push something that's not going to last, if the spark isn't there now, it won't appear later. Save the relationship for someone who constantly gives you butterflies.

September 28, 2011

Yeaaa, you guys are right. I definitely don't want to force something that just isn't there. I will go out with him tonight and see where things go, then make my decision.

I don't want to jump into a relationship with someone I feel mediocre about just because I don't want to be alone. I want to feel the butterflies!!

Another thing that could be the problem that I neglected to mention before is that I've had another guy who is less attainable on my mind. Go figure. I'm afraid that thinking about this borderline jerk is clouding my feelings for Fred.

September 28, 2011

Fred sounds like a straight shooting nice guy type, while you apparently want someone who is a bit more manipulative and into playing games. Doesn't seem like it will work out, so no point in leading him on.

September 28, 2011

Fred sounds like a straight shooting nice guy type, while you apparently want someone who is a bit more manipulative and into playing games. Doesn't seem like it will work out, so no point in leading him on.

Ugh, but I knowwww the manipulative guy is no good for me, and I know Fred is good for me. I hate that I feel this way about Fred. I always tell my forever single friends that they go for the wrong guys (manipulative, player types) and that they should go for a good guy who knows what he wants (the Fred types).

...And now I'm finding myself in my forever single friends' shoes. I just want a good guy that isn't a doormat at the same time, that isn't ALWAYS going to agree with what everything I'm saying. For example, we went to a movie last week and I told him I really enjoyed the movie, and he agreed that it was a great as well. Then days later at a party his friends told me he hated it! If he has a different opinion, he can say it you know, I'm not gonna bite! lol.

It's things like this that bother me. I really don't want an ********* type whose going to treat me like scum at the bottom of his shoe, but i want a guy who has some backbone too. Is that too much to ask? Am I being unrealistic?

September 28, 2011

Ugh, but I knowwww the manipulative guy is no good for me, and I know Fred is good for me. I hate that I feel this way about Fred. I always tell my forever single friends that they go for the wrong guys (manipulative, player types) and that they should go for a good guy who knows what he wants (the Fred types).

Women always say they want a nice guy who's going to treat them right, while secretly pining for jerks. This is nothing new. The reason why women gravitate towards jerks has to do with the fact that women are emotional creatures and "jerks", through their behaviour, expose women to constant emotional ups and downs, which to the female brain is more additive than crack.

...And now I'm finding myself in my forever single friends' shoes. I just want a good guy that isn't a doormat at the same time, that isn't ALWAYS going to agree with what everything I'm saying. For example, we went to a movie last week and I told him I really enjoyed the movie, and he agreed that it was a great as well. Then days later at a party his friends told me he hated it! If he has a different opinion, he can say it you know, I'm not gonna bite! lol.

It's things like this that bother me. I really don't want an ********* type whose going to treat me like scum at the bottom of his shoe, but i want a guy who has some backbone too. Is that too much to ask? Am I being unrealistic?

Now you are just trying to rationalize your irrational attraction to jerks. As stated above, women gravitate towards manipulative player types because those guys satisfy their emotional needs. To make it simple, there are three types of men:

1) @$$holes

2) Nice guys

3) Jerks

Women don't like @$$holes because they provide nothing but negative emotions. Likewise, women don't like nice guys because they provide only positive reinforcement, which women find boring. Jerks, on the other hand, expose women to a wide range of emotions...they can be sweet one minute and mean the next. They are unpredictable and exciting. And that's why women love them.

If a woman is not exposed to

September 28, 2011

What would you do if you were me? Give it a fair shot and go out a few more times or stop seeing him?

You need to get over this need for a storybook drama to happen in order to find attraction. Seriously.

So let's imagine you decide to FZ him and run out seeking the drama you need. This leads you to many guys whom you're hot for who end up vanishing on you or even the "pump and dump". Then you get some guy who also gives you that drama, but it's a constant rollercoaster where one day it's a wonderful romance, but many other days you're complaining to your friends on how badly this guy treats you.

Finally, the bad part hits. It could be a broken condom and you pregnant...or you marry Mr Drama and then find him banging some younger girl at a later time...thus ending up in divorce.

You're now in your mid-to-late 30s, wondering why you couldn't get the good husband, house, kids, ideal life, etc.

That's when you regret dumping Fred...but he'll be married with kids and totally treating his wife the way you want a man to treat you.

Grow up...seriously. Think longer term. Sparks, fireworks, etc...that has to be made by BOTH OF YOU. To expect it all to just come without any effort is why many women end up in that later age full of angst/regret...wondering where all the "good men" are.

Those are the women irc333 writes about who have POF profiles that go on and on about how there are no decent men, sick of the liars, blah blah blah.

I didn't feel sparks with my fiance when we started going out. Those sparks came later...and in all actuality, it's a comfort knowing someone loves you and you love them. When you're in love with the other person and the life you have...not in lust for a fantasy or a moment you imagine out of chick flicks or romance novels.

September 28, 2011

You need to get over this need for a storybook drama to happen in order to find attraction. Seriously.

So let's imagine you decide to FZ him and run out seeking the drama you need. This leads you to many guys whom you're hot for who end up vanishing on you or even the "pump and dump". Then you get some guy who also gives you that drama, but it's a constant rollercoaster where one day it's a wonderful romance, but many other days you're complaining to your friends on how badly this guy treats you.

Finally, the bad part hits. It could be a broken condom and you pregnant...or you marry Mr Drama and then find him banging some younger girl at a later time...thus ending up in divorce.

You're now in your mid-to-late 30s, wondering why you couldn't get the good husband, house, kids, ideal life, etc.

That's when you regret dumping Fred...but he'll be married with kids and totally treating his wife the way you want a man to treat you.

Grow up...seriously. Think longer term. Sparks, fireworks, etc...that has to be made by BOTH OF YOU. To expect it all to just come without any effort is why many women end up in that later age full of angst/regret...wondering where all the "good men" are.

Those are the women irc333 writes about who have POF profiles that go on and on about how there are no decent men, sick of the liars, blah blah blah.

I didn't feel sparks with my fiance when we started going out. Those sparks came later...and in all actuality, it's a comfort knowing someone loves you and you love them. When you're in love with the other person and the life you have...not in lust for a fantasy or a moment you imagine out of chick flicks or romance novels.

In general, the one thing men on this forum need to realise is that attractive women really can follow their emotions, chasing sexual 'chemistry' and romantic euphoria, and in the process treating people more or less how they want. Why? Because men will always let them.

September 28, 2011

Yeaaa, you guys are right. I definitely don't want to force something that just isn't there. I will go out with him tonight and see where things go, then make my decision.

I don't want to jump into a relationship with someone I feel mediocre about just because I don't want to be alone. I want to feel the butterflies!!

Another thing that could be the problem that I neglected to mention before is that I've had another guy who is less attainable on my mind. Go figure. I'm afraid that thinking about this borderline jerk is clouding my feelings for Fred.

I can promise you this, 10yrs from now when you are single & possibly with a kid or two & the father is AWOL & fred has a lovely wife & kids you will be sad & wonder why you two never got together.

I'm not trying to change your mind because I can't. You want a jerk & fred isn't one.

I'm just telling you how it's going to be down the road.

September 28, 2011

You need to get over this need for a storybook drama to happen in order to find attraction. Seriously.

So let's imagine you decide to FZ him and run out seeking the drama you need. This leads you to many guys whom you're hot for who end up vanishing on you or even the "pump and dump". Then you get some guy who also gives you that drama, but it's a constant rollercoaster where one day it's a wonderful romance, but many other days you're complaining to your friends on how badly this guy treats you.

Finally, the bad part hits. It could be a broken condom and you pregnant...or you marry Mr Drama and then find him banging some younger girl at a later time...thus ending up in divorce.

You're now in your mid-to-late 30s, wondering why you couldn't get the good husband, house, kids, ideal life, etc.

That's when you regret dumping Fred...but he'll be married with kids and totally treating his wife the way you want a man to treat you.

Grow up...seriously. Think longer term. Sparks, fireworks, etc...that has to be made by BOTH OF YOU. To expect it all to just come without any effort is why many women end up in that later age full of angst/regret...wondering where all the "good men" are.

Those are the women irc333 writes about who have POF profiles that go on and on about how there are no decent men, sick of the liars, blah blah blah.

I didn't feel sparks with my fiance when we started going out. Those sparks came later...and in all actuality, it's a comfort knowing someone loves you and you love them. When you're in love with the other person and the life you have...not in lust for a fantasy or a moment you imagine out of chick flicks or romance novels.

Women are naive creatures who think if its not a scene out of a romantic comedy movie where the earth stops and music plays in the background and nobody on earth seems to exist except you two the minute you meet somebody for the first time that its not gonna work..

Kinda pathetic that its grown adult women with these thoughts,the male species seems to grow out of this and be smart enough by around age 13 while women carry this into their middle age years.

September 28, 2011

Give it one or two more dates and if you don't feel it, move on so you can free yourself to meet someone you do feel a spark for. Life is too short to be with a guy who doesn't light your fire.

Ignore all the other comments from the guys on here - they are all unattractive guys who are bitter that they are unsuccessful in attracting women and have never actually had a relationship themselves.

September 29, 2011

Give it one or two more dates and if you don't feel it, move on so you can free yourself to meet someone you do feel a spark for. Life is too short to be with a guy who doesn't light your fire.
Ignore all the other comments from the guys on here - they are all unattractive guys who are bitter that they are unsuccessful in attracting women and have never actually had a relationship themselves.

Sorry hunny ive never had a problem attracting women ive just seen first hand the unrealistic expectarions especially early on

And with a name like "hot chick" could you be any more pretentious?

September 29, 2011

Hey guys!

I'd like to thank you all for the really good advice (even if some were a bit harsh, I appreciate it nonetheless ) To the ones that mentioned that I would regret it later on when i'm in my thirties and single and wondering where the good men are, I know what you mean. And i don't want that to happen. I really care about this guy and I don't want to screw it up over something silly.

So here's some good news:

Well we went on our dinner date tonight and it went so well!! We do connect really well and have amazing conversations and that's what I enjoy about Fred. I'm comfortable and feel like myself around him.

I think when I saw him at the party the other night I was just having an off night altogether and wasn't feeling anything. But tonight things were much better and I'm feeling optimistic. I still want to take things slow, but I definitely want to see where things go with Fred. He's awesome

September 29, 2011

You've always been attracted to Fred, right?

That's probably an "easier" situation than mine. I don't know if I'm attracted to the guy I mentioned in the other thread.

September 29, 2011

I can promise you this, 10yrs from now when you are single & possibly with a kid or two & the father is AWOL & fred has a lovely wife & kids you will be sad & wonder why you two never got together.

I'm not trying to change your mind because I can't. You want a jerk & fred isn't one.

I'm just telling you how it's going to be down the road.

If she marries Feed though, she will grow to hate him, cheat on him, and eventually divorce him. So you are not exactly doing Fred a favor by trying to convince the OP to come around.

September 29, 2011

If she marries Feed though, she will grow to hate him, cheat on him, and eventually divorce him. So you are not exactly doing Fred a favor by trying to convince the OP to come around.

Well, I said I wasn't trying to convince her.

I was just predicting her future should she not learn to change what she is attracted to (we can do this by the way, I have learned to stay away from certain types of women regardless of how hot they are)

I sadly know WAY too many women that pissed their life away chasing jerks while not even giving the decent guys a chance.

Their now pushing 40 with a kid & the father barely pays child support.

I will not date those women regardless of how hot they are.

September 29, 2011

In general, the one thing men on this forum need to realise is that attractive women really can follow their emotions, chasing sexual 'chemistry' and romantic euphoria, and in the process treating people more or less how they want. Why? Because men will always let them.

That goes back to my topic on how people with loads of options can "break the rules" as much as they like...because someone will always forgive it.

That's just life.

Women are naive creatures who think if its not a scene out of a romantic comedy movie where the earth stops and music plays in the background and nobody on earth seems to exist except you two the minute you meet somebody for the first time that its not gonna work..

Kinda pathetic that its grown adult women with these thoughts,the male species seems to grow out of this and be smart enough by around age 13 while women carry this into their middle age years.

Yeah...but these are the women I tell guys to walk away from.

They are also the ones who get knocked up and abandoned, or end up lamenting to death on how there are no "good men" out there.

Give it one or two more dates and if you don't feel it, move on so you can free yourself to meet someone you do feel a spark for. Life is too short to be with a guy who doesn't light your fire.
Ignore all the other comments from the guys on here - they are all unattractive guys who are bitter that they are unsuccessful in attracting women and have never actually had a relationship themselves.

I hear you on the idea...but I also know that every woman I've seen who took this "never stop looking" ideology are now in their mid-30s, most with kids (but these women never married) and are upset that no "amazing perfect man" ever came for them.

You're making some harsh generalizations...which is no better than if I were to say that all women love to be abused and hate to be treated like ladies. It's not true. No more than the idea that we're all bitter and can't get a woman. I'm engaged btw.

If I had thought like you or the OP, then I would have not bothered with my fiance. I would have kept chasing club chicks who have nothing more to offer than a pretty face and a hot body...or "professionals" who still think some doctor or lawyer will marry them.

I took a chance on thinking long term, seeing what was in front of me...and now I think she's the most beautiful woman on the planet.

Hey guys!

I'd like to thank you all for the really good advice (even if some were a bit harsh, I appreciate it nonetheless ) To the ones that mentioned that I would regret it later on when i'm in my thirties and single and wondering where the good men are, I know what you mean. And i don't want that to happen. I really care about this guy and I don't want to screw it up over something silly.

So here's some good news:

Well we went on our dinner date tonight and it went so well!! We do connect really well and have amazing conversations and that's what I enjoy about Fred. I'm comfortable and feel like myself around him.

I think when I saw him at the party the other night I was just having an off night altogether and wasn't feeling anything. But tonight things were much better and I'm feeling optimistic. I still want to take things slow, but I definitely want to see where things go with Fred. He's awesome

I'm so happy for you.

I hope in a few years that we hear of him putting a diamond on your finger.

Kudos!

September 29, 2011

You've always been attracted to Fred, right?

That's probably an "easier" situation than mine. I don't know if I'm attracted to the guy I mentioned in the other thread.

Yea I was always attracted to Fred, we drifted apart while I was in college and with another guy, but I always thought of what could have been during this time. Mine may be easier because I've known him a long time and have always cared about him.

But maybe you should still go on a few more dates with him to see if anything is there.

I'm so happy for you.

I hope in a few years that we hear of him putting a diamond on your finger.

Kudos!

Thanks grkBoy, hopefully there will be a good outcome! And thank you for your constructive advice. It's much appreciated!

September 29, 2011

Question for Shocked & Confused:

The title of the thread is "lack of chase is unnattractive". What does that mean...lack of chase?

I am assuming it means the guy was kind of shy with you about contact and asking you out. Please explain.

September 29, 2011

Question for Shocked & Confused:

The title of the thread is "lack of chase is unnattractive". What does that mean...lack of chase?

I am assuming it means the guy was kind of shy with you about contact and asking you out. Please explain.

Hey Single Guy,

By that I meant that he is always so agreeable with me (and too nice). If we were going to share an appetizer at the restaurant, i would always have to choose because he would say that he'd eat whatever I wanted. Another example is that he told me he liked a movie we saw because he knew I loved it. I later found out from his friends that he actually hated it. Just things like that, if a guy disagrees with something i want him to say it! I'm not going to get mad, I can handle a good debate.

Maybe he was just nervous and wanted to please me. But I noticed tonight that he's starting to relax a little around me, so that's a step in the right direction at least

September 29, 2011

So here's some good news:

Well we went on our dinner date tonight and it went so well!! We do connect really well and have amazing conversations and that's what I enjoy about Fred. I'm comfortable and feel like myself around him.

I think when I saw him at the party the other night I was just having an off night altogether and wasn't feeling anything. But tonight things were much better and I'm feeling optimistic. I still want to take things slow, but I definitely want to see where things go with Fred. He's awesome

Keep thinking about all the good and awesome feelings you get around him, and you'll be well on your way to falling in love.

Have fun!

September 29, 2011

Maybe he was just nervous and wanted to please me. But I noticed tonight that he's starting to relax a little around me, so that's a step in the right direction at least

Yes, I think you're right. He contacted you out of the blue - I'm sure he wants to please you. So, he's overdoing it a little. He probably was nervous around you.

Give him time to relax more with you He might want to take it slow, just like you do. So take it slow and have fun getting to know each other again!

September 29, 2011

I think the guys who replied are going a bit to far. from my understanding you want someone who is nice and caring but at the same time got some personality. a guy who pretends that he liked the movie even though he didnt and couldnt say that to his "old" high school friend sounds not very exciting to me.

what guys don't understand is that almost everyone is attracted by the leader type people: well articulated, not afraid to say what they think, smart etc etc

and yes, some jerks correspond to those criteria because they don't care about others and yes, people eventually settle down without finding the "ideal" one. but don't continue with this person just because you think "you can't find better anyway and he is nice". in order for a relationship to work, both have to care about it, and if you are not genuinely in love with this person, you won't care and the relationship won't last long anyways. it would also be unfair for this person: i would hate people dating me because they think that "the ideal type doesnt exist anyway".

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The lack of chase is turning me off...but I really want to like him :(

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