How silly is this ?

[Kilty]

Ok - i dont really know why i am posting this cos as the title says it's really silly ! (and i'm not a daft wee boy or the likes)

 

In fact if anyone else was to post this i would either say "get a life" or "get out of your fantasy world"

 

And i would also be able to give great advice as to what the next step is - which is no contact.

 

However - it's a long story about how i met this girl online (she is from the USA and i am from the UK) but basically i contacted her to find out about a relative of hers, also from the USA, that i met a good few years ago.

 

Anyway after a week or so talking, in which i made her fully aware of the past etc - and she also shared some intimate stuff about herself, something happened.

 

You know that moment when you really click with someone and get on so well over and above the initial attraction - well it happened.

 

I know that sounds ridiculous when you consider you havent met them in real life or the likes but there it is.

 

So in the last month it has been pretty intense - talking constantly, emailing, texting etc but deep down the feeling for both of us of "just my luck to meet someone so great and they stay so far away.

 

I mean thats ridiculous as well as it could turn out in real life that you dont get on at all.

 

Anyway last night i got the dreaded - "I really like you but this will never work - we are so far away from each other and all i'm doing is getting attached to someone i'll never see. Its just best to remain friends, you know it's for the best too. I still want to talk to you, i just cant do this long distance thing its too hard for me. I hope you dont hate me"

 

Now deep down i know she is right, but it's only the initial stages of our friendship for gods sake.

 

All i said in return was "You never know what could happen but i understand, and i could never hate you"

 

I have went complete no contact since then as im not sure what to do really.

 

Is that the best and then see what happens ?

 

The thing is i would jump on a plane and go see this girl even though we have only known each other for short time but i guess the killer would be if we really did hit it off - what then. So i know where she is coming from.

 

Sigh

 

When i read that back it all sounds so silly & immature - but i guess some peeps may have been in the same boat.

 

I mean there isnt even a bond as such between us because we havent met in real life - but it feels that way a little

[KathyM]

I don't think it makes sense to invest time in a LDR when it is very unlikely that either one of you will relocate to another country. She was wise to put the relationship on a casual level before it had advanced. I don't see the point in continuing to correspond with her, but if you do enjoy talking to her, then you might send her an Email once in a while, and just be pen pals.

[Kilty]

Thanks Kathy

 

I do know all this and it is the response i would most likely give anyone else as i said.

 

However personally i have no ties and as i said to her - who knows what could happen.

 

The thing is i did say to her a week or so ago that the distance thing was not good at all.

 

Her response was - what doesnt kill us would make us stronger.

 

And hypothetically if in real life we were to get on then you would think you would try to do everything you could to make it work out.

 

But she jumping before we even got started. And i agree with you thats the sensible thing

 

Daft eh

[KathyM]

Thanks Kathy

 

I do know all this and it is the response i would most likely give anyone else as i said.

 

However personally i have no ties and as i said to her - who knows what could happen.

 

The thing is i did say to her a week or so ago that the distance thing was not good at all.

 

Her response was - what doesnt kill us would make us stronger.

 

And hypothetically if in real life we were to get on then you would think you would try to do everything you could to make it work out.

 

But she jumping before we even got started. And i agree with you thats the sensible thing

 

Daft eh

I guess she wanted to nip it in the bud before strong feelings developed which would make the long distance thing more difficult to deal with. She's right to be doing that. It makes sense. If you really think there may be a chance and you may be willing to relocate in the future, you may want to keep contact by Email. But I would suggest taking it pretty slow, and not getting your hopes up. Very hard to work out a LDR. People need personal contact to build a relationship.

[Kilty]

Yeah i know. Obviously just emotions ruling my rationale

 

Thanks

[Paper Roses]

I understand that connection with someone you've never met, Kilty. Don't feel silly.

 

I'm in the process of ending a 5 year online relationship with a guy I'm absolutely crazy about. I tried to end it after we knew each other for 2 months and it didn't quite work out. Throughout these years we've both 'ended' it more times than I can remember. We always wind up going back to each other. One of us breaks and texts or calls. It's a miserable mess.

 

On the one hand, we've spend so many nights talking about everything in the World and in many ways he knows me much better than people I know in my real life. I guess it's a little comforting having such a good friend out there. Totally not worth the pain I've gone through over it.

 

Then again, what if you DO meet in person someday and do get along? Honestly, if you can realistically see yourself moving to be with this girl, I say give it a go.

 

Isn't it so immature and silly? I feel complete ridiculous too. You're not alone. Never met the guy in 5 years and the sight of his name on my caller ID gives me butterflies. hahaha, I'm such a big goon.....

 

She really was right to end it before you guys turn into me and the idiot I've been adoring for so long. He's acted nuts too, just like I have. This kind of relationship will make you nuts.

 

Keep me posted. I want to see how this works out!

 

Sorry, I'm probably too close to this subject to give you any meaningful or helpful advice, just wanted you to know you've got somebody here who understands.

Edited September 27, 2011 by Paper Roses
typo

[Kilty]

Thanks PR

 

I guess it's a good sign that she did what she did. Obviously if she didnt feel anything it wouldnt have mattered.

 

Have so much in common with her as well and havent smiled as much in a while with some of our talks and know she has been the same.

 

Dont think she has had a lot of fun lately.

 

I guess it's like a drug - and thats why it's been difficult saying nothing today after a month of intense contact.

 

I'll see what happens but i'm not going to initiate anything in the short term.

She has posted a couple of times on FB (the devil i know) but not enough to judge how she is feeling

 

Will give any updates - if there is any

[Tayla]

Kilty, I am not going to rain on your parade. Oddly I was the lady persuing my gent in our LDR. He was the "rational" one, and for the first "intense" six months we longed to meet. And thru much tolerance and patience on my part, he came to visit. What was once this unique online relations turned into a full blown love....We lasted for two years and never once did I regret a single moment of our time , thru chat, video or letters and gifts sent. We so much as met one anothers families, shared moments that are emblazened in my heart with such fondess. He will always be a place in my history here on earth. Eventually the Physical distance took its toll He couldnt move to my homeland and I had family who took precedence. In a different place in time I sincerely beleive we would have been more compromising ....He placed me on a plane after spending two months of glorious time in his country and the door was slammed. I knew on the ride home I would never speak with him again. He had made up his mind and to this day I sincerely beleive sometimes the pain is too much to endure for one of the beloved . ...

WOuld I do it all over again?? ABSO_FREEKIN_LUTELY!! ANd why?? Because when such an experience that Re-affirms and reminds a person that they are a PART of something so much larger then themselves and they can share it with another...its beyond the mind and goes straight to the heart.

You get to live life many times over but sometimes you only get to meet that person who sets your heart a fire once in a lifetime...you decide.

[Kilty]

Thanks Tayla x

[HeavenOrHell]

I personally wouldn't get involved romantically with someone I would never, or hardly ever see, my partner and me live in different countries but we are able to meet about every 6 weeks, so it's doable. But I wouldn't have got involved with someone further away or only reachable by plane, I won't fly, so I would keep anyone too far from me/too unreachable in the friend zone and not even go there romantically, I have a mental 'list' as it were of things I want/need from a partner and that includes their location. So if they were unreachable to me then that would be a turn off in the first place.

[Tayla]

HeavenorH*ll, I respect that position you maintain, its your boundaries. For you its the physical and that is certainly a vital part of maintaining. I think though that another vital part is the "trust", "regard" and "Adoration" be they near or far. Having Military bros and relatives maybe a person is geared different to accept that the love is there no matter where they are. IT really does make for the "physical" presence of them around that much more cherished, which lets face it, if you see the same mug everyday you tend to take it for granted...and all their quirks are magnified....

 

Kilty- You are young enough to experience and endure, I say its worth it in the long run.

[Kilty]

lol Tayla - im 44 and thats why its so stoopid

 

I dont go in for online dating or any of that stuff either - nor do i try to meet folk online that i dont know for general chit chat or anything else for that matter

 

I too am of the belief that why do that when you can meet someone close to home

 

Thats why its so daft - just a connection that i wasnt expecting

 

Anyway day 2 of no contact and keeping it up to see what develops but the initial crazyness is now somewhat waning

[LittleTiger]

lol Tayla - im 44 and thats why its so stoopid

 

I dont go in for online dating or any of that stuff either - nor do i try to meet folk online that i dont know for general chit chat or anything else for that matter

 

I too am of the belief that why do that when you can meet someone close to home

 

Thats why its so daft - just a connection that i wasnt expecting

 

Anyway day 2 of no contact and keeping it up to see what develops but the initial crazyness is now somewhat waning

 

If you think you can meet someone close to home then off you go and do it! Seriously, think about it - if it were that simple to make a real connection with another person then there would be no 'dating' forum on LS!

 

It's a sad fact that sometimes people do 'settle' because they don't want to be alone, so if you think you've found someone really special how can you just give up before you've even started? People who don't take risks can end up leading boring and mediocre lives.

 

Of course, if you think you will 'never' relocate then there isn't any point, but if you did meet and she turned out to be someone you can't imagine living without, are you so sure you wouldn't move?

 

You say you would jump on a plane to find out it if she's special - my fiance did that - a 12,000 mile/30 hour flight from NZ to UK. That was two years ago and he still thinks it was the best decision he ever made. Yes, it's difficult, it's hell at times, but do I regret getting involved - absolutely not!

 

Of course, if it's her decision not to pursue things then you don't have much choice but to let her go. However, I don't think what you're currently feeling is silly at all.

[Kilty]

Thanks LT

 

I totally agree with you regarding the taking chances thing however i dont really know what to say to her after she made this decision.

 

The thing is if i have learned anything in life it's once someone in any sort of relationship makes a decision like that then the best course of action is to accept it as usually no amount of reasoning or trying to get them to change their mind helps - in fact it can make things worse.

 

And it makes it doubly difficult as i totally understand where she is coming from and respect how she feels so to try and work something out gives the impression i dont - as well as being needy and all the rest.

 

Also the longer NC lasts the harder it becomes to actually make the first move anyway.

 

I mean for all i know it could be a complete cop out and she has other reasons for saying what she did - or she could be just as pissed about the situation as i am -but no point in second guessing and best just to accept what she has said.

 

I'll maybe give it a couple of more days and see how the land lies then

 

Maybe the no contact after the intensity of what went before will affect her too

[folieadeux]

Hi Kilty, where in Scotland are you?

 

I think you should give it a go...it's better than wondering about the what ifs in life. I think it's too early to tell from your original post...but it sounds like she really is interested but is just freaked out by the distance. LDRs aren't for everyone...people say that alot but it really is the truth. With that being said, if you're both equally as committed to making things work...it's worth a shot. I rather suffer from the pains of being in my LDR any day than settle for someone local.

[HeavenOrHell]

I hear what you're saying.

 

When partners have gone away working (military) or otherwise, it's a little different to meeting someone online and trying to establish a r/ship where you don't see much of them, if I'd been with someone in a long term r/ship then we are already established and spent all that time together and grown close that way.

If my ex (together 18 years) had worked away for months at a time, I would have waited for him, no question.

I feel loved and I feel close to my partner, and I trust him, but I'm still getting to know him really (18 months together, met up about 11 times) and wish we could spend more time together, having said that I don't constantly miss his physical presence, I would if we didn't have enough contact. I enjoy what we have.

I think you're less likely to take someone for granted in an LDR, it keeps things fresher as it were, but it is still possible to take someone for granted even when they're not with you much of the time.

 

 

HeavenorH*ll, I respect that position you maintain, its your boundaries. For you its the physical and that is certainly a vital part of maintaining. I think though that another vital part is the "trust", "regard" and "Adoration" be they near or far. Having Military bros and relatives maybe a person is geared different to accept that the love is there no matter where they are. IT really does make for the "physical" presence of them around that much more cherished, which lets face it, if you see the same mug everyday you tend to take it for granted...and all their quirks are magnified....

 

Kilty- You are young enough to experience and endure, I say its worth it in the long run.

[Paper Roses]

How are you holding up, Kilty? You know I was the level headed one in my online relationship who ended it before it got out of control. We went for a week before he called me. I had never been so happy to hear from anyone in my entire life. Going through details of my story will bore you, but, I'll tell you that I love this guy and if he has had a change of heart about us being together. I want him. Even if it ends horribly, I still want him. Never have I had such a strong connection with anyone in my life and even though it has caused me untold pain, it was worth every second. Just knowing him at all makes me feel wonderful.

 

I'm 34, he is 31, on New Year's Day we will have 'known' each other 6 years. We both live in the US and have both done quite a bit of growing up since we started chatting. I think he's finished with me, but I'm hoping that he's not.

 

Are you sure you really want to let this lady go? I know she was the one who said you should end it, but it was me who wanted to end it with my online guy and you know how I feel. She might feel the same way or maybe she can't stand you. If I were you, I'd find out! Because your situation is hitting me on a personal level, I care about this and want you to have that damn, damn fairy tale!!!

 

Please don't let the chance of a lifetime slip by.

 

And you better come tell us what happens or I'll have to go stalker on you! (< kidding.)

[Kilty]

lol PR re her not being able to stand me - she didnt get to know me long enough ha ha.

 

Im sorry about your situation and hope things work out for you too.

 

I am ok i guess - kinda hoping she will send a message but not expecting it - but the initial surprise of what she said after what had went before is wearing off.

 

Basically because rationale is taking over the emotions plus we didnt have that bond you get with someone in real life i guess - just a strong, strange and unexpected connection.

 

I am tempted to email her to see how she is but im holding strong and not doing it.

 

The last thing she said was that she still liked talking to me as i make her laugh etc - but i did not reply to that

 

Kinda breadcrumby IMO

 

Dont get me wrong i havent taken the huff and i was cool when i replied to her accepting her decision so im just gonna see what happens in the next few days - or email her in the next 5 minutes

 

Guess thats how i am just now

[Paper Roses]

email her, email her, email her, email her. i double dog dare ya!!!! you know you want to....

[Tayla]

LOL Paper Roses you are endearing to make such a comment .

 

Kilty, and Love knows age how? Sorry but when it comes knocking it doesn't necessarily ask your age and say you are being whimsy so much as ...invite it in and enjoy it for what it is. I admire your level headedness, what a pity this ladyfaire doesnt see your respectability in her regard. I find it charming to be enamored by someone from afar, its that mystery

 

You are doing just fine and its absolutely okay to place that relationship in proper perspective, just wish you the best in meeting a lady who fancy's you as you did this recent one.

Edited September 29, 2011 by Tayla

[TokyoG33kyGal]

Don't lose hope...but don't put all your eggs in one basket too. When my hubby and I met he blew me off by saying the same thing to me LOL. I actually was interested also in just having a chatmate/penpal, and an xbox live friend. we just continued talking. he obviously didn't want to lead me on and I told him I wasn't expecting anything...until he just cannot deny the chemistry and decided to see me in Japan, see if the chemistry is still there in person.

 

We didn't make it official until we are sure about how we feel in person. Plus we constantly talk about likes, dislikes, lifestyles, dealbreakers, etc to get to know each other well. LDR is not for the faint-hearted. That's why before you commit to it, make sure to settle likely issues you might encounter. For us, main issue was the visits. There's so little time to really get to know each other in person so we just thought of other ways to compensate that. if you know what you want, your issues and what to avoid (e.g. Unhealthy relationships) then it would be easy. love is a big gamble.

[Kilty]

Well we are talking again - although not as often and the best way i can describe it is as just friends ......

 

Seems all of the excitement is gone - probably because we are trying to keep it on a friends only basis

 

Its a bit testicles to be honest but we'll see what happens - it's just not the same.

 

Guess its true than nothing lasts forever

 

More than likely the convos will get more spaced out until not all

 

Will let you know any further developments & thanks for all your input

[Paper Roses]

I'm so glad you're talking to her again and don't give up on her. Me and my online lovah boy tried the 'friend' thing. Yea, that worked out.

 

Guess who called me today? *happy dance, happy dance* He is clearly finished with me and I do not know why he even calls anymore but he did today and I loved hearing his voice.

 

Kilty? I know you're from Scotland and all and everyone regionally has different phrases that they say but what does "It's a bit testicles" mean? I had one of those 'wait, what?' moments over that one.

[Kilty]

lol PR

 

It means it's a bit balls - as in a load of balls

 

Or as we say in Scotland "Baws" hehe

 

Well things are a little better and maybe getting back to the way they were a couple of weeks ago - not quite there but a little better than just friends

 

Just seeing how it goes at the moment

[Paper Roses]

Ahhh, okay. I'm from New Orleans and we have some crazy sayings and for sure, eat some crazy stuff but that bit of baaaawwwws is new to me.

 

You know my guy called yesterday and all he did was go on about how great he is, how many women are after him and how fantastic he looks. I kept thinking "Gawd, what an insecure loser." Oh wait...did I add unemployed. I miss what we had many years ago and it's never coming back.

 

I cannot stand to deal with the truth, nothing p*sses me off more. lol

 

You seem a bunch more relaxed over this situtation you've got going over there. I'm glad.