My Story

[celticthor]

I am posting here hoping that by typing this out I will start to heal, I know my story might not be as bad as some but here it goes....

 

I have been with my wife for 4 years (married for 2) we are both in our late 20s. It started about 4 months into our relationship one evening when I asked for her cellphone to see pictures of a trip we took, she readily handed it over where I stumbled upon a text where she was attempting to set up a date with an ex "Dave". I should note that all of her past relationships have been more FWB. I asked her about it and she was apologetic and said she was just bored but never met up with him and we left it at that.

 

Fast Forward to a year ago, during a rough spot in our relationship she admitted to almost going and meeting up with "Dave" to have an A. We discuss our problems and I explain that she needs to cut off all contact with "Dave" she agrees to remove him from her phone but wants to stay friends on FB while stating she rarely talks to him on there, and she gives me full access to her FB and phone whenever I want.......I agree

 

August 2011 I come across an old FB message from April where she is asking "Dave" to choose his name which struck me odd at 1st, she texted me earlier to ask my permission to text him to discuss a Homeowners Association matter with him (he is a property manager) and I agree. When she gets home I check her phone to find out she put his number in her phone under a girl's name (from the texts about the HOA issue) I confront her where she proceeds to make up one excuse after another about why he is under a girl's name (one of them was that it was a nickname...right) I confronted her again and she admitted she can't cut him completely out of her life due to her knowing him for 11 years and he was there for her during some traumatic events in the past. I try to be a bit understanding stating she can keep him in her phone under his name.........I know mistake.

 

From August till two weeks ago everything seemed back on track, not nearly as much arguing and getting along great until I have a weird feeling and check her FB where I find an archived message from May between them where she is describing she is thinking about meeting up and them detailing what they would do to eachother. I am 95% sure nothing physical happened because in the messages he keeps asking "when" and she replies she doesn't know also she confided in another male friend of hers (gay so not a problem) that she hasn't done anything although he tried to get her to do something. I flip out and immediately text her telling her what I found, she comes home an hour later and states that she is extremely sorry and that she never should've done it adding that she only did it during our big fights. I proceed to give an ultimatum (something I should've done a long time ago) stating that if she doesn't want the marriage to end immediately she will cease all contact and delete him from her phone and facebook which she complies with.

 

Since then I have tried to return to some semblance of normalcy around her but this still is driving me nuts which is causing me to constantly check her FB (even watching her chats) and her phone multiple times a day. I don't know what I can do to put this behind me and move on like she thinks we are.

 

Thank you for reading my rant

[Spark1111]

Your wife was obviously embroiled in an emotional affair and hoping for it to turn physical except you kept busting her.

 

What did you do to repair the marriage? Did you and she go to individual counseling? Marriage counseling? Did she share every detail you needed to know?

 

I think you still have trust issues because..... you do not trust her. It really is that simple.

 

Chatting up an old boyfriend after every fight is very immature in my opinion. Gaslighting you on why it should be okay is another issue entirely.

 

She needs to work on WHY she needs this attention and the both of you need to work on ways to make your marriage stronger.

 

I think you have residual issues because you BOTH swept an affair right under the carpet as quickly as you could.

 

It doesn't heal or go away that way, unfortunately. And she should NEVER talk to Dave again, ever, friend or no friend, is she values her marriage with you.

 

Are you chatting up old girlfriends? Doubt it. It is so disrespectful to one's spouse.

[celticthor]

We talked to our Pastor since we could not afford a MC along with us both working hard to be more attentive, loving and not let little things blow out of proportion. That has worked out great and before two weeks ago the previous six weeks were excellent. She of course wants to move past my finding as quickly as possible since we were doing so well. I on the other hand am finding it harder to just move on.

 

She hasn't spoken to him at all and since he never initiates a conversation on FB or phone I am not worried about him messaging her (I went so far as to block him from her FB, and she either hasn't noticed or cared)

 

I want to believe she has cut him out of her life and from by borderline obsessive checks it looks like she has, however this has turned me into someone I never was: A jealous husband constantly checking on his wife behind her back. Since we have been married not once have I had any contact at all from any past flames.

 

I've thought about confronting the OM that somehow that might bring closure but I quickly dismissed that idea (not because he is physically imposing or anything just that it might get me riled up more) My wife doesn't want to discuss it anymore and wants to move on but I'm stuck.

[sadcalifornian]

This kind of mistrust is a slow acting poison to your marriage. If I were you, I would treat this matter more seriously and consider this "Emotional Affair". I would request her to send him a NC letter stating he should never contact her ever again. And, if you cannot afford MC, then at least get you and your wife an Affair-related book explaining the concept of EA. You should not let this swept under the rug. Otherwise your resentment will linger on forever to damage your relationship with your wife.

 

Although the contact was limited, this has been going on throughout your entire marriage, and the fact she went the distance to cover up her relationship says volume about how strong her feeling for him is.

[Bryanp]

If the roles were reversed do you honestly think that your wife be so accepting as you have been? She is showing you total disrespect and clearly there are no consequences to her actions. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. She is talking about what she wants to do to him sexually and you seem very calm. I have to tell you that this would be a deal breaker for a lot of men. It is sad that she keeps doing this and showing you and your marriage such little respect. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

[celticthor]

I honestly don't believe she met up with him due to their conversations where he kept asking when they were going to finally meet, etc. It's a possibility she has another account or a prepaid cell phone however its unlikely due to the fact that her work computer has a keylogger (she works for a small company and I am their IT person) which was requested by the owner on all of their computers. I have monitored that and she only signs into the FB acct that I have access to.

 

I don't notice her sneaking around like she is texting and trying to hide it. She is not big on going out with friends unless I come along (she might go to dinner with one of her friends once every few months) the rest of the time its a group thing with all of us. Since we both work the same schedules there isnt any time where she can sneak off.

 

Divorce is my last option since I want to make this work. I dont believe it is continuing but what's making me the jealous husband is the fact that it has the possibility of starting up again especially if we have an argument.

 

I am far from calm even though it might seem like it

Edited September 27, 2011 by celticthor

[celticthor]

I am not actually jealous her actions have made me act like I am (ie constant checking up on her online activities) I know this is not my fault, we had our issues and I'm not saying I am perfect by any stretch of the imagination. She did tell him not to contact her anymore (he sent her an email 5 mins ago) and to lose her number which from his response he agreed to.

[Chi townD]

Do you think your wife would be so forgiving if she caught you doing all of this? Doubt it. I mean, your vows weren't, " For better or for worse except when you REALLY tick me off..."

 

I would strongly encourage you two for marriage counseling. Or talking to the Pastor OR doing some marriage retreat.

 

Point is she wants you to forget about it and sweep it under the rug. Sorry, TOUGH TOENAILS!!! She's the cause of all this, now she has to see it through to make it better. Thing is, I don't think she realizes how much she hurt you. The only thing she's thinking of is that she dodged a bullet on REALLY screwing up her marriage, but she doesn't realize that, due to your present state, she did screw it up pretty good.

[Andymk]

Sorry to hear you're going through a bad time Celtic. Sounds very similar to my situation.

However, you say she has ended the relationship with him, that's a good step forward isn't it?

 

You need to look at other issues in your marriage, find where the source of the problems are. I get the feeling that the EA my wife is having with her ex, is actually a symptom, and not the original problem.

However, she is lying so much about it, its now doomed our marriage.

 

Just remember, mistrusting her and checking her messages every 5 minutes is not a healthy lifestyle. It will screw you up inside and turn you bitter.

 

And when you figure how to deal with that, let me know. (said with bitter resignation)

[seren]

It sounds like the OM isn't respecting her boundaries, he contacted her, I am wondering if she told you, or you found out. Why not ask her to write a NC letter to him as in, stop contacting me, if you continue I will take legal action, extreme I know, but if this is what it takes. Is he married? If he is telling his wife or partner might stop it. What you have lost is trust and that isn't so easy to rebuild, it comes with time and it comes with looking at what was so broken that your wife crossed boundaries she shouldn't have crossed, address those then discuss how they can be fixed.

 

Checking emails, FB accounts, keyloggers etc will not rebuild your trust, but will just drive you crazy. If someone is going to have an A they will find a way around it all. Of course you are jealous and hurt, you are human, but there has to come a time when the A is not the main issue, but your marriage. How to rebuild it, how to address what has gone wrong, what do you both need to change to make it work, where and why has it changed, the focus being on you both, not the A.

 

Does the OM know that you know? tell him that you do, not shouty, that achieves nothing, I would go more for the I know, we have asked you to stop, so stop or we will take legal action. Plain and simple, dignified and to the point and in control. Nothing works better than a calm, collected don't go there, than yelling.

 

I hope you can both talk and listen and then change, trust takes time but is possible. I hope it all works out.

[jnj express]

You should not apoligize for being vigilant---had you been vigilant the very 1st time she contacted her former buddy---this might not be going on now

 

The problem is you did not get married to be a prison guard/parole officer, so you need to figure out how to deal with the situation

 

One thing you should do is make her sign a POST--NUP agreement with a duress clause, with terms very favorable to you should you be forced to D., her, due to her continued cheating

 

At some time in the future you are gonna have to tell her, you are gonna stop checking on her, BUT, you cannot control her actions, but, by the same token you do control your actions, and if she so much as looks cross-eyed at another guy---D. is on the table, immediately

 

She must know you are now deadly serious about her cheating, and it will not be tolerated, in any way, shape, or form.

[SadDazedConfused]

I think the NC letter is a must. Absolutely DO NOT let her attempt to sweep this under the rug and move forward. It must be dealt with, or you will always have it in the back of your mind (questions about what really happened, questions of being able to trust her, etc.). Moving forward and focusing on the good things is what is maybe best for her. Then she doesn't have to answer questions or deal with what was going on. The more you talk about it, the more she might slip up and the more you find out the truth. Deal with it all now that it is fresh in your minds, and not 5 years from now when some new detail comes out and you fall back to where you are now.