1 Year Later after Staying Friends- Lost & Broken

[BLuvv]

It's been a year since I broke up with my ex after a 3 year relationship and I feel like I'm back at square one. Over the years we've been off and on but it was just over a year ago that I ended things for the last time, he had broken up with me twice but had asked me back out again both times within a short time, so we were not apart for very long ever. I regretted breaking up with him as soon as I had done it and apologized and tried to take it back even though I was unhappy for a long time because he never would make a commitment to me which he outright admitted he was scared of. So this past year we have stayed friends and never cut contact for very long at all. Occasionally I would go days or up to a week not calling or texting, but always either contacted him or heard from him. And he's still continued to be my best friend and one of the only friends, as well. I've had a hellish past two years for so many reasons and for the most part he's been there for me through it all- death of family members, putting my dog to sleep, being screwed over by my best girl-friend and losing an 8 year frienship, financial stress, being in a horrible hit and run which left me in the hospital, etc.

 

I've also had depression and anxiety for years and it's gotten to be worse than ever. I recently started going to a psychiatrist and trying new medicines but if anything they have worsened my anxiety and I've been feeling horrible. I know me being this way didn't help our relationship at all, but he was happy to see I was finally getting help. He always tried to help but ended up getting frustrated with me quite frequently. Problem is I feel like my self-esteem being so low led me to put up with things I shouldn't have and accept the little scraps he throws me. After a time of being broken up we started sleeping together again. And even when I told him it made me feel horrible and used and he said it would never happen again, of course I can't say no to him. I never stopped loving him and I desperately want to be close to him. Even thought that momentary good feeling leaves me and I feel worse afterwards. And he's always been so busy and has so much going on and I just don't, so I feel like I'm waiting for him to squeeze me into his schedule all the time. He gets mad at me if I say anything though. And then a number of times he makes plans with me and then cancels last minute because he forgot he had something else. He also never invites me out with his other friends anymore or include me in stuff he does like he used to. And during a move when I had no one else to help he wouldn't because he claimed that was a "boyfriends" thing to do and said I'm expecting him to be that and we're not boyfriend/girlfriend, basically insinuating I'm being unreasonable.

 

Last night was a breaking point, we had made dinner plans and half an hour before he cancelled because once again he forgot and his work had messed up scheduling some event. I tried to calm down and didn't even answer his text for a couple hours I was so upset and angry I was shaking and sick to my stomach. I finally wrote back and pretty much went off and said how disappointed I was and didn't appreciate him wasting my time. He insisted he forgot and went off and said it's not all about me. He always says I make everything about me when I share my feelings, yet when I didn't he said he didn't like that either. I was like wtf why are you getting mad at me when I did nothing wrong and he cancelled on me. He then apologized and I did too because I didn't know the situation that it was a scheduling issue. But I told him I was angry because it want the first time this has happened. Then he went back to texting all nice and normal but I didn't bother answering. I was too upset and spent the night bawling my eyes out. I felt like back at the beginning where I want to crawl in bed and give up and broken and confused. I'm still on the verge of tears all day.

 

Honestly, I have so much on my shoulders and I could write forever. I just don't know why I can't get over him or let him go. I've had a history of bad relationships and honestly he has been the kindest caring guy I've ever dated and I don't want to lose him. But I'm sick of missing him and hurting and going along on this emotional rollercoaster. I just am scared to lose him because I'm so alone in my life and feel like without him I will have no one to turn to. I'm just so lost and confused.

 

B

[sleepykitten]

Oh Bluvv...I really feel for you. I can understand how low you are feeling, i went through similar with my ex, although we were in a relationship and the last 8 mths of it he changed and became "busy" "shattered" stopped making any effort etc, we had split up a few times before only for a few days but the damamge was done. I became like you, needy, clingy, insecure, lost, sad, felt hopeless. My self esteem was on the floor and so is yours, this is why you are scared to walk away, but look-you are not happy. He is treating you terribly and you are letting him, nothing will change and it will only get worse, its like constanly taking knock after knock and doing nothing about it.

You need to be brave, make a decision to be your own best friend-look after yourself, you need to build your self esteem and self worth, you wouldnt put up with this crap if you had self worth. What would you say to a good friend that told you all of this.

It will be hard because you think you need him to keep you safe, you dont. You need to be happy on your own, be emotionally self sufficiant, otherwise this situation will continue and you will find yourself this time next yr wishing you had done something about it.

Be strong. Tell him its over, no more friends with benifits, you deserve much more. Dont contact him.

We are all here to support you.

[Kageytn]

So many red flags. I have just gotten out of a relationship a lot like yours. In the beginning, I couldn't discuss my feelings with him because that was a boyfriend thing to do. We couldn't be seen in public because I started as his student (I was 30 something at the time). The whole relationship was based on his rules, his boundaries and his needs. It was not based on my needs, my boundaries or my rules. And I took it until I had enough and broke it off. Then, he inched toward me, I relented and we were back. Then we did it again. And again and again. Until this final time when he broke it off with me. I won't be going back.

 

With the help of many posters here and lots of reading, I realize our relationship was toxic. There was no intimacy, no trust, no foundation. We weren't even really friends. I thought we were but we weren't. I think your relationship might be the same. It is based on air. It is based on nothingness and you deserve more. Read it again.

 

Repeat it. I deserve more. I am not a friends with benefits. I am not a quickie. I deserve more than that.

 

This website has been invaluable to me:

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/

 

Read the blog entry about red flags. It was wonderful. Her newest one about excuses is great too.

 

I am so sorry.

[Chi townD]

Your not being friends, you have this hope that he's realize that you are the one and he'll come back. Always keeping yourself on the sidelines in hopes that he'll look over and fall head over heels in love with you. Sorry, you can't be friends with someone you're still harboring deep feelings for. You're wasting your time.

 

However, I am a true believer that there is a guy out there for you. That will commit to you, that will love you, that will take you out and would love to show you off to his friends. He's out there right now, looking for you. But, he's NEVER going to find you if all you're doing is making yourself available to a guy that doesn't truely love you.

 

You deserve the opportunity to have the right guy find you.

[BLuvv]

@sleepykitten: Thanks, sk. I can definitely understand. In my mind I know I can't keep doing this but I feel like I can't do any better so I hold on and the worst is I just keep trying to be "good enough". Obviously he doesn't think I am worth it because he hasn't really been there. Even as a friend he's kind of a crappy friend. It's so hard to feel like there are so few people left for me to turn to. Long ago, I was engaged to a guy who was emotionally abusive and controlling and he isolated me and I lost a good group of friends. So even going into this relationship this time around I was not in a good place and to have a guy who constantly would remind me why I was not good enough and when I said something threw it back at me and acted like I made everything about me, obviously it just beat me down further. I just don't want to be alone and I'm terrified of that.

 

@kageytn: It's good you're being strong. And I agree, the red flags are there, I've just always made excuses for him. The thing is too, while he said it was about me always, I felt like he was so selfish. We always had to go to his place, he refused to stay at my house, he always wanted to hang with his friends- the few occasions I had stuff with friends or family, he refused to go and said he hates family things, even though I'm really close with my family and he knows how important it is to me, I had to confront him about never introducing me as his girlfriend, and so many other things, and he had a million activities but never planned activities with me or would stop doing so much so he would have more time for me, but I was there at the drop of a hat. I drove Friday nights after work all the way back to my house (I have a 50 mile commute) and then back to his house another 30 miles when he had only a 15 mile commute, but refused to ever come to my house. But I tell myself, he always calls, he eventually comes through and hangs out, he was generous and always treated me, blah blah blah. There were so many good things. Even my mom thought I was being rash in breaking up with him and basically said I had made a mistake. I felt like I had too and that I was just taking him for granted. Once again I just felt like I had to fix myself and be a better person. I avoided confrontation and became a doormat.

 

@Chi townD: It hurts my heart to read that, but I know you're so right. And recently I told him I don't want to friends and I want to be more than that and I was upset. He just said the same thing as he always does, we tried already and he doesn't want to go down that road again. I was crushed over again and I don't even know why I tried to have that conversation, it's the same, like a broken record. I just am so broken I honestly don't believe I can find anyone better. I don't want to try and I'm terrified I'll be stuck alone. And I feel like I'm reaching an age where things I wanted are gone- especially like having kids and I feel like after wasting my time in bad relationships and a miserable job I'm also afraid to leave- some things are too late. I just don't know how to find that hope. Even after leaving an abusive relationship where I was scared for my life, I had hope. And yet somehow this relationship where he wasn't "outright mean" but rather just didn't seem to care has torn me down even more.

 

But to ALL, thank you soooo much for taking time out of your day to write to me, it means so much. I want to go no contact, I do. I'm just so weak and it feels like an addiction. Every time I check my phone I hope there is something from him. I feel like a crazy person and I hate living this way. I actually feel like if he were more of an a-hole it would be so much easier. But he will listen and talk to me when I need to talk. The sad thing is he is the only guy in my life who ever listened. My dad has always been hyper-critical of me and I could never do ANYTHING right- I got yelled at for breathing too loud or chewing- and I spent my life walking on eggshells hoping his temper would not blow and hope that I wasn't the target of that temper. I just feel like I've spent so many years pretending to be "okay" that I've become a shell of myself. Sometimes I feel like I need to completely change things like sell my house and move away and start over- but maybe I'm just being too extreme. I just don't know how to move on and how to be happy again.

 

B

[Kageytn]

I don't mean to be harsh but family members are not often who to listen to for advice. My mother just tells me to get over him, man up and move on. It's not helpful. Plus, we are often in these types of relationships because of our familiy patterns. I am, for example, totally dating my father. Ex treats me just like my father does.

 

I see myself so much in your thread. I am trying to be stronger but I still see my ex and talk to him. It is an addiction. I tried cold turkey then beat myself up constantly for not being able to do it. I am now in very limited contact. And soon NC at all.

 

Reading books about toxic relationships, manipulative men, being emotionally unavailable has really helped. I also read a great book about being addicted to a person. It was humbling but true.

 

I go to therapy once a week. It has been quite helpful. I suggest trying to find some low-cost therapy if you can't afford it. I go to my church counselor.

 

I'm going to start attending a support group for anxiety. My anxiety overwhelms me. Then, it when it overwhelms me, I contact him. Then, I feel horrible and it repeats.

 

We are here for you. I spent the first month not even believing it happened. Total denial. He broke up with me three times. August was a blur of pain and panic attacks. Sept. has been better. The fog is lifting. Oct. I hope to be awesome.

 

I don't love him anymore and I text him drunk that I hate him. I think I do hate him in a lot of ways.

 

We both deserve better. Much better. And we will get there

[geegirl]

I second Kage with her recommendation - http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk

 

Natalie is a beast and her articles got me through ending a very toxic and damaging relationship and her tips on NC was what set me straight. Your R sounds very much like some of the things I had to go through. Start reading and grasping the articles. It is of great help. Good luck to you.

[BLuvv]

@Kagetyn: Yes, I can see what you're saying. My mom means well, but somethings she says just make me feel worse. But then she is caught in a toxic relationship with my father and I see her and she's been doing this for many, many years longer than I have. She's occasionally got angry and tried to leave and ended up being scared and then deciding she had to stay and just try harder to not make him angry with her. I see so much of myself in my mom. Thing is in comparison, a few years is nothing.

 

My psychiatrist has recommended some counselors but I haven't had the money to go yet. I'm hoping soon my finances will be a little better. I emailed the psych also because I think the new medication I have been taking is making my anxiety so much worse. It's such a struggle to deal with feeling that way- I feel like I just endure every day and don't enjoy it. I waited desperately for those moments with my ex. It's really pathetic how I've become. I actually would rather be angry and hate him- I think I would be more determined if I was angry and to be honest blowing me off yesterday did make me angry. In a way it's almost a good thing, the straw that broke the camels back- I was furious because last time it happened he swore up and down he would try so hard to not do that to me. I felt like a fool for believing him and angry that he seemed to think so little of it- he's like there is plenty of time to hang out, the world isn't ending. Maybe not, but it probably should be the end of us hanging out. I feel like I let him get away with crap like that and he thinks he can just do what he pleases and I'll be there waiting- and he's been right all this time. I don't want to be a doormat and I want a guy who would want to be there and wouldn't make me feel bad for having feelings and being upset. Because God knows I was there for him anytime last minute he wanted to do something, spending hours upon hours driving to him. He never even met me halfway...literally and figuratively.

 

And I thank you again for sharing and being there to listen! I am glad there are people out there taking the time to share and talk to. It truly means more than I can express!

 

B

[BLuvv]

I second Kage with her recommendation - http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk

 

Natalie is a beast and her articles got me through ending a very toxic and damaging relationship and her tips on NC was what set me straight. Your R sounds very much like some of the things I had to go through. Start reading and grasping the articles. It is of great help. Good luck to you.

 

Thanks again for the suggestion, I will check it out! Keeping busy typing in reading is more time I'm not talking to him...so that's a good thing!

[BLuvv]

Another day and I haven't heard from him. I've been good and haven't contacted him. One of the good things is long ago I had already removed him from Facebook, etc (I've actually since deleted my entire Facebook because I felt like it was making me more depressed). I hate leaving things open where basically it was left in our last convo that we would hang out later. But I know I'm weak and if I talk to him I will not be able to stick to my guns and stand up for myself to keep the distance. Even when I'm so upset I would avoid confronting him. I didn't want to ruin our times together by fighting, so I held stuff in. Part of me is angry because I feel like the nicer I am the more I get taken advantage of. It makes me angry that he just took me for granted and never really appreciated the effort I made. I know this is bittnerness speaking and yes I suck for being such a doormat. I just get so discouraged because I feel like i'd have to be a major b**** to be respected at all- but that's just not me. No matter what I just try to be nice and smooth things over and let it go to avoid a fight or any kind of confrontation. But I just worry so much about being good enough to the point I lose sight of what I want or if I'm even happy with them. I once told my ex I felt like I had to jump through hoops to please him. And yet no matter how much he hurt me I still can't hate him and I actually feel bad saying anything negative of him. People in my life I avoided sharing the issues because I didn't want to have people think bad of him. The times where he was making excuses and wouldn't be there, I made excuses for him. I suppose it really boils down to growing up in a household where I walked on eggshells all the time, even to this day my dad can make me feel like crap. All we had to do was always worry to not make him angry, no matter if he was being unreasonable it was always on us to try not to make him mad, but it's impossible like I said- even just breathing or being present annoyed him. You couldn't win no matter what, you just hoped every day he wouldn't blow up on you.

 

Sometimes when I think of everything I have to deal with, my ex seems like such a minor issue, yet why does he take up so much of my thoughts?? I can't stop thinking of him, to the point minutes feel like hours and I can't stop checking my phone. And there is even a part of me that feels like he really is a good guy but my issues are the reasons it didn't work out. Maybe if I had been more assertive or confident he would have treated me better? I've often gotten so down on myself for how things went. It sucks to think I may have lost him because of my issues.

 

I just don't know what to do sometimes. I'm not even sure what to say if he contacts me or if I should even answer when he does? It just sucks though because he's off keeping busy and unaffected and I'm feeling so hurt.

 

B

[Chi townD]

Okay, so you spend some time being single right now. There's nothing wrong with that. Some women might even envy you right now! The point is, you can take this time to work on you! To correct things that you think are lacking within yourself. To learn to love yourself and who you are!

 

Funny thing about falling in love with the right guy; it usually happens when you least expect it. So, don't rush it. Enjoy being single for a for a while. Meet up with friends, go on a mini vaction to a place you've always wanted to go for a few days! Time to heal and decompress.

[BLuvv]

@Chi townD: yeah, I can't even imagine dating anyone else right now, it's the last thing I want to do. Even though I don't want to be single. I'll admit it makes me feel insecure that I don't have a partner and it doesn't help that my ex has been my one true friend so losing him is leaving a gigantic gaping hole in my life. I would love to take time off and go somewhere but I'm beyond broke and have already missed too much work. I just wish I could get past my anxiety about things and stop letting it hold me back in life.

[Chi townD]

Don't feel insecure about not having a partner! Embrace your independence! I'll tell you, there's nothing sexier than a girl that's fun and has her act together. If I was dating, that's exactly the girl I'd be looking for. A girl that doesn't NEED to be with me, but rather WANTS to be with me. There's a big difference!

 

And as far as taking a mini-vacation. I'm not saying drop everything RIGHT NOW and hop on a plane to Paris. Save just a little bit out of your paycheck at a time. You could easily save and fly down to the Florida Keys....Just did a search and you could stay at the Hyatt Key West for 4 nights, full accommodations, round trip air fare for under $800. Four days laying out and sunning in the Caribbean Sea...tell me that wouldn't re-charge you. Look, All I'm saying is that, sometimes you need to pamper yourself. You deserve it.

[sleepykitten]

You should maybe get some books about love addiction, anything by pia mellody, women who love too much by robin (i think) Norwood, and is it love or is it addiction by brenda schaffer...these are off the top of my head think thats the names but google them, they will really help. You are co dependent, and need to start somewhere as its never going to get any better, i know i was there too. Its ok to feel scared, dont let it hold you back, you can make your life whatever you want it to be, baby steps, start now.xx

[BLuvv]

@Chi townD: Once again you are right on about that. It got me thinking about the "me" from long ago before I even met my ex-fiance (him and my most recent ex were the only guys I've ever truly loved). But I was at an amazing spot in my life in so many ways and happy and enjoying life. It's probably why my ex-fiance loved me. So many things happened since then and I can definitely think back when I started losing my ground. But that past "me" is still "me" and I'm stuck thinking of the depression and low self-esteem as an identity, when, actually, it's something that's happened to me. I want to be that person again who was fun and spontaneous. Heck, even just adult life and responsibilities have been partly responsible for losing some of that. I thought today about things I used to enjoy doing and what really made me happy before I just blended into these guys lives. I let my own group of friends and my hobbies slip away. And yes, I would LOVE to go to Florida- one of my favorite places. I actually went this spring for a short trip, it was a paid for work thing but I was the happiest I'd been in a long time there. Sometimes I want to move there simply because I'm in love with the beaches and I really love the warm weather!

 

@sleepykitten: I'm actually one step ahead of you and put an order in on Amazon today! I got "Women Who Love too Much", "How to Break Your Addiction to a Person" and "It's My Life Now: Starting Over After an Abusive Relationship or Domestic Violence". The last one because I think I still am dealing with demons from past and it seemed a little more practical in putting together my life again, rather than dwelling simply on the many reasons why I'm this way. I LOVE to read and my purchase made me feel a little more solid on my decision, and I threw in some stuff from my wish list to treat myself! It really is a little step, but something positive. I also think the act of writing out that I wanted to go no contact and really realizing it's true set off something inside of me.

 

Honestly, today started out like any other, but during the course of this day I don't know what changed, but I'm sitting here feeling okay. It's almost a relief, like a weight off my shoulders to not worry about him. It's sad, but I feel like I'm doing the right thing. I'm stronger than I know and I've gotten over worse, I can do it again. I don't know why it's taken me so long, but it's better late than never. I told my mom today I decided to go no contact with my ex, and she said "you don't have to do that", she felt that it didn't have to be so drastic, but I think it's the only way. I went completely no contact with my ex-fiance and I think it saved me. I did it once, I can do it again. And certainly for a guy who really just "isn't that into me". And you know what I know I'm not perfect, neither is he, nobody is, but that's okay. I've got a lot going for me. Despite struggling through bad relationships I've managed to get my bachelors and my masters, I lived in another country for a year, learned a second language, I bought my second house and moved cities (actually I've done a LOT of moving in my years), and so many more things. I feel like if I can accomplish that while struggling with all this relationship and emotional turmoil, I wonder what I could do if I wasn't stuck under all this stress and free from worrying about some guy who couldn't be bothered to drive the measly 30 miles to my house once in a while. (As much as I drive, that is a short trip to me!!! lol)

 

I'm just surprised how much clarity you gain by making a simple decision. It's scary and I know I'm in for a rollercoaster of emotions but if I can just remind myself of these good things and hold on I think I will be okay. Once I get my books I plan to devour them and really follow what they say and put some action behind my decision. Right now I'm still unsure of what the heck I'm actually doing, but I've got that little fire of knowing that I am free now to do what I want. No more shaping my life to please him, no more giving up my friends for his, no more making excuses. I'm honestly so happy to have this community here and people who really care to help and offer support who don't even know me at all reaching out. I'm truly humbled. So thanks to everyone who writes!!! And I feel like writing out my story has helped to. All these thoughts swirling in my head make so much more sense when I put them down into concrete form. Anyways, I need to get to bed, got an early morning and will be seeing my psychiatrist to talk about adjusting my medicines- hopefully once that gets figured out it will make things easier too!

 

Good night!

 

B

Edited September 29, 2011 by BLuvv

[BLuvv]

Just a quick update: I have stuck with no contact and I had my psych appointment today. I'm trying some new medicines and I'm happy I've found a doctor who really listens and is willing to try to help find what works for me. He had very good recommendations so I'm hopeful he will be a great help. It wasn't until a few months ago I decided I needed some help beyond just friends and family- they wanted to help, but often they just didn't know how.

 

I also reached out to a friend today I haven't seen in a while- she was really happy to hear about my decision. She knows the whole history of my relationship and I know she thought staying friends with my ex wasn't probably for the best, but she's always supported me no matter what. I'm sick of wasting time on him when there are people out there who like her who really care and would be there for me in a second. I hate that I think of him so much- I hate checking my phone and hoping it's him. But today I'm still hopeful about moving on. Other people in my life matter more and without wasting my energy worrying about him I can be a better friend to those people. I'm thankful there are still people who have stuck by me all these times.

 

B