Luckless Posted September 27, 2011 Posted September 27, 2011 Together for almost two years, we're in our 30's. Over the weekend I found out through my BF's internet history that he reactivated his account w/ a dating website. I saw that he must have viewed at least 30 profiles. Then I saw he de-activated it. I was trying to think why he would do that since I would never peg him the type to cheat, I've never trusted a man more than him in fact. I thought maybe he was looking for his brother since his brother uses that site. So I confronted him. First he said that he didn't have a profile on that site, and for me to search for him. I already knew I wouldn't find him since he de-activated that acct. I know before he met me he would use those sites from time to time so I'm guessing this acct is several years old. He said that the site once in a while emails him and that lays no blame on him. I said, I saw the history, not emails. THEN he fessed up. He said something along the lines of he may have felt things were shaky with us and that's why he looked (that was yesterday). I've ignored all calls/texts since. This morning he texts and says that he looked at the site because he was BORED. I said I didn't buy it. He then says that he thought I may go back with my ex (WTF?!) and if I were to leave him he wanted to see what was out there. He says he was only looking at pics, and he didn't contact anyone, which I believe. This comes from a man that has always says even chatting/flirting with someone is a form of cheating. So what is this then? We've up to now have had a great relationship, we NEVER fight, we considered each other best friends. I would have said that we were head over heels for one another. He's told me countless times he's never been happier or loved another more than me. I know he didn't physically cheat on me, but looking at that many profiles hurts. I am so disgusted that he lied/denied it. It ruined the trust I had for him. He texted me last night asking if I was breaking up with him. My no reply indicated I was. Am I over reacting?
Lucio Posted September 27, 2011 Posted September 27, 2011 i don't know ur bf well, but if he deactivated it very quickly, then there's a possibility that he might have "repented" and tried to stop whatever he was doing. small possibility though. i'm not defending your bf's behavior. i find one excuse extremely questionable too. why would he think that u are going back to your ex?? have u done something (unknowingly)? if u had contacted ur ex (even as casual as just bumping into him on the streets) and kept it from him thinking that he doesn't (need to) know, this is just a get back at u. if it's a get back, whether you are over-reacting depends on how you confronted him. if u had gone straight up in a stern manner like a discipline mistress, u have left both of you with no room to maneuver. if u had pretended to probe casually, there's still space for "diplomacy". it also depends on his track record. if he's cheated before, ur reaction is perfectly justified.
Author Luckless Posted September 27, 2011 Author Posted September 27, 2011 Lucio, I don't know how that site works. I don't know if activating an account reposts your profile, or if it just allows you to browse. Maybe if it reposts he didn't want someone seeing him and telling me, I don't know. I haven't seen my ex in over a year. He doesn't call me. SO I think that was just a BS excuse on his behalf. Maybe somehow to take the blame from him? When I found out about the dating site, my attitude did change. However I kept it in for a day or so. He finally asked what was wrong with me, that I wasn't acting myself. I asked, pretty calmy, Do you want to tell me about that dating site?? He of course then BLEW UP, up and down said he didn't have any profiles and denied everything. He pretty much said I was crazy! He's never cheated on me, that I know. I don't think he's ever cheated in his life, that goes beyond his character.
Lucio Posted September 27, 2011 Posted September 27, 2011 I see. If you r very certain that it's beyond his character to cheat, then his action is pretty incomprehensible. This issue will definitely be a huge question mark in you. If you wish to work things out, possibly u need to tell him "look, this issue really affects me, and affects my trust in you. If we cannot work it out, it will remain the dividing factor between us." hopefully it will make him see that it doesn't help at all to lose his temper or come out w lies. If he still is unable to see your point... I guess theres nothing much further to do.. Its also pretty natural for girls to feel somewhat cheated in this case I guess, so it's ok too if u dont want to do anything. He should be the one coming clean on his own if he really treasures u.
Chi townD Posted September 27, 2011 Posted September 27, 2011 Well, whether you overracted or not...that's for you to decide. If he didn't PHYSICALLY cheat on you and he de-activated the account COULD have been truthful that he was just curious....But you have to live with him so that's something for you to decide. However, if you are going to break up with him, at least let him know that it's over instead of keeping him wondering.
Author Luckless Posted September 27, 2011 Author Posted September 27, 2011 Well, I think it's clear to him I was upset and I had no intentions of talking. He wanted to talk last night so he could explain. I really don't think you can explain how you were looking at 30some profiles, while you've been in an extremely committed relationship, at least on my end. We even have talked about marriage, he would say that we were "unofficially engaged". So you would think hearing that, the man was happy and content. I know men tend to look at other women, maybe at a bar, but to look at a dating site? Then say if I left him, he wanted to see what was out there? He texted me this morning and said he would not be contacting me anymore. BTW, about 6wks ago, an old friend of mine called and asked to do lunch. We rarely ever get together/talk. This male friend is an old coworker, friends for 10yrs. He's TWENTY years older than I am, married for 25+ years, with adult children. We're just that, friends. His kids even facebook friended me! So I told the BF I was having lunch, he FREAKED out! He said it was INAPPROPRIATE for me to have a meal with another man! Well, that lead to a small fight, and later he apologized for his behavior, he said he took it the wrong way. I guess it's wrong to have a burger w/ a friend, but it's ok to browse the local meat market, just in case......
Lucio Posted September 27, 2011 Posted September 27, 2011 Hmm. He sounds... to be having an issue. I cannot fathom how his thinking works either, But this can be a blessing in disguise. Imagine you've gone ahead w marriage. It's likely to escalate n he can get angry over u receiving something from the postman.
Author Luckless Posted September 27, 2011 Author Posted September 27, 2011 Lucio, you may be right, perhaps it was good (or maybe fate) that I found out. Live and learn, right?
Chi townD Posted September 27, 2011 Posted September 27, 2011 I really don't think you can explain how you were looking at 30some profiles, while you've been in an extremely committed relationship, at least on my end.QUOTE] LOL! Not to be mean, but I know happily married men who still look at porn on the internet.... Guys are very visual creatures by nature. AND SO ARE WOMEN to some degree. So, he looked at the menu but he didn't order from it. However, we're talking about you and what you're comfortable with. I still say you need to tell him it's over though....
Author Luckless Posted September 27, 2011 Author Posted September 27, 2011 Chi Town! That is too matter of fact. I know men like porn, errr love porn. When I met him I knew he browsed internet porn, and he had ONE dvd. That didn't really bother me. He said, well since I've known you I've probably watched porn once, why would I need porn, I have you. Ok, I believed that since we had a very healthy sex life. Progress to 6 wks ago, he gets a smartphone, something he didn't have before. I joked and said, now you can watch porn at work! I was JOKING. He said, nah, videos are kinda slow. So I believed that, since we have the same carrier/phone model. The other day I showed him how to download a pic of himself from the web and save it to his phone so he could email it to his mom. I hit save, and it brought up the saved files. You know, camera, downloads, VIDEO. I thought, huh, video? I click on it and wouldn't ya know, PORN videos! Yeah honey figured how to download alright! So that night I checked the phone's internet history just to see what his new hobby was about and it was porn sites after porn sites, after more porn sites. That's how I ended up seeing the online dating history! ** He's always said he had nothing to hide, I could look at his phone anytime. Which, I never did, because I trusted him! He got caught because he didn't know the phone saved your web history!! Rookie mistake!
Lucio Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 Well though it's common for an adult (male or female) to surf porn every now n then, porn sites after porn sites is not exactly healthy. If u watch C.I. Channel, that's the kind of ppl police officers raise an eyebrow at. Though it's not physically cheating, women do get extremely disgusted w it. I have a close friend who tore her ex bf's laptop into two. The porn site issue aside, I think the part where u shared to us his reaction after u met another male friend is a big red flag. This sort of thinking does not go away after he apologizes and will only escalate with time. My father does the same to my mom, and my sister n I will tell him off. But it does not go away, he doesnt think he has an issue, and my mom has to be wary when she's outside. The good thing is my dad is not physically abusive type. I think u don't want to live the rest of your life having to be cautious when u brush past members of the opposite sex. That's y I said it may be a blessing in disguise.
Rorschach64 Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 Porn issue aside, I don't think it was exactly right to have broken up with him over being on a dating website IF he was looking for friends since I know a few people including myself have made friends on them while clearly stating being in a relationship. However, he was on there directly cause of his insecurity and lack of trust in you. Though I do understand his initial response was denial/anger because that seems to be a typical self defense mechanism but if he owned up to his mistake then I see no problem and tacked on an apology. Granted, the jealousy/trust issue might have been a problem down the line and possibly led to an actual cheating situation and/or abuse.
Rorschach64 Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 My suggestion to you is, if you love him, TALK to him and give him an ultimatum! Tell him how it made you feel that he was on that site because he was insecure/jealous and that it is unfair in general that you can't go hang out with male friends. Then suggest that you gts two go to a counsler and work this out. Nothing in this life is easy and you must acknowledge that! Relationships are things that need work on from time to time as people aren't perfect, so at least give him a chance, I'm sure you'd want the same if you were in his shoes.
geegirl Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 (edited) That's the first I've heard about people in relationships going on a dating site to make friends. While there are those that are in Rs that are on there for other reasons, I'd safely say there are other ways to "make friends" through legitimate social networking sites with the objective of expanding your social circle. Maybe I am behind the times. Personally, if I caught my bf checking profiles of other women, he'd be gone. The focus should be on each other in a relationship and not what's swimming out there. Hd got caught with his hand in the cookie jar, hence the lame excuses and blame shifting. Edited September 28, 2011 by geegirl
leoc1973 Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 hey I think you might be way over reacting. I get emails from those sites all the time and I think some of them soon as you click them they reactivate for a trial. Go on them and you will see that you can go through 30 profiles really fast he might have been just a tad bit curious to see who was on there. Maybe he had an ex that someone told him was on there and he wanted to check it out but then figured that would sound worse than the excuses he gave you. Everyone gets curious and since he deactivated it right away he made it so no one could respond to him so I don't think he had any kind of malicious intentions. That is a very small thing to throw away a great 2 year relationship on. I don't want to mislead you but you gotta give the guy the benefit of the doubt especially since you never suspected him of any other wrongdoing ever.
leoc1973 Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 My best friend's ex left him for a "guy friend" 22 years older than her with kids her age. So the way a lot of guys minds work is that if he has a penis then he has no right having a meal with his woman.
Hote204 Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 I would like to contribute to this as i have been in this position. My ex was always pulling this and it hurts like hell. He was found one 1 site by my friend and when i tackled him about it, he gave me the password and asked me to deactivate it. I found he had been "browsing" and had sent a message to a girl saying "she blew him away". I too forgave the indescretion and fast forward 2 years, he joined another site. That too was because he was "bored" and yes, that hurt like hell too. Infact, it was a huge part of us splitting up. Whats not witnessed is the emotional trauma it has and how badly it shakes how you feel about that person. My ex was also a serial flirt in every way. by text, email and facebook. It didnt ever get any better!
antz2411 Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 what i really dont get and you guys need to ask yourselves this question is - why do you let a person who supposedly "loves you" devalue your character? realize how much your worth, take a stand and the offense wont be repeated! it is not even about being strong or weak, its about realizing your self worth and the reason why you get treated like crap is because they know you dont value yourself enough to be loved and respected, so why should they?
Mack05 Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 (edited) I would have broken up with my girlfriend if I found out what you found out. While he didn't physically cheat on you, he went on that dating website with intent. That was a betrayal to you in my eyes. I mean what else is this guy up to, that you don't know about. It is very hard to get trust back, when your partner has crossed the line like this. I can see both sides of the argument, but when I enter a relationship with a woman I explain cheating on any level will not be tolerated. To me he crossed the line. For other posters he wouldn't have. What I do know your first reaction is normally the correct one. It's your inner voice and inituition telling you to leave the relationship. I am quite sure you will take him back upon reflection and him begging. Time will tell if that is the right decision. Edited September 28, 2011 by Mack05
leoc1973 Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 Just be careful cause in the past I have clicked on one of the hundreds of spam mails from those dating sites just outta curiosity and boredom and before you know it you are just clicking through girls just completely outta curiosity. With my ex there was no other woman in my eyes, just her. I would never have even thought about cheating but I still have been bored and curious and clicked on those sites thats all I am saying we are all human and you can't throw out a perfectly good man for nothing. I mean why would you be going through his phone or emails anyways? Trust is a 2 way street.
Lucio Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 well, this is just the modern version of Pandora's box. it could be indeed that it's really out of curiosity, we never know, but like Pandora, there will be consequences from his action. some of us here think it's a mistake, some of us think it's not a big deal. whichever it is, from his action, there's the reaction from us. and right now, like mack said, her first reaction is usually the inner voice and right one. i mean if it's the way round - u went out on a platonic lunch with an old friend. she flips and tells u as long as u have a penis u are not allowed to lunch with another woman. then ur girl goes out clicking on the profiles of guys on a dating site. when u tried to ask her gently "don't u want to tell me abt the site?" she blew up and called u crazy. what would you react?
lymtal1 Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 i agree with mack and coming from a male perspective i know that if i was in a committed relationship i would not feel that doing that was doing the right thing. i flat out would not be on there if i was in it 100%. however the caviat is each guy is different and their belief system is different. it could be that in the realm of the relationship this was nothing if he finds himself surfing the web often. it may have not meant anything. but then it did not seem he was being honest from the get go when you asked him about it. red flag to me. i would be very cautious in this instance but our opinion is just that our's.
Author Luckless Posted September 28, 2011 Author Posted September 28, 2011 Thank you all for the time you have put in to help. Once again last night he tried to talk to me. Firstly, was the "I Love you" text. Then it was the pleads for me to talk to him, since it would only take 5 mins of my time, I said no thank you, and he called anyway. He went on to say he did NOT flirt w. anyone and I was just throwing him away! Then he wrapped it up with he was sorry. I know he does love me, and I do love him. But I've been in relationships before where I've taken someone back when they break my trust, and guess what happens.... they just do it again!! Now granted, this case is a little different, he did not physically cheat, as he would say. IF I were to do it he'd say it's emotional cheating, which is funny because he hasn't used that term to describe his behavior. I too thought of the word "intent". Did he have intent to cheat. The more I think about it, probably not. I know of plenty of times when women have come up to him, flirted, have even invited him over (w them knowing he had a GF!), asked for his cell# etc. You would think if he was going to try something, it would be with these women that are throwing themselves. I don't see him taking the time to shop for a chick, then go through the wine and dining in hopes of getting some action. That's a lot of work, and frankly, he's too lazy for that. Now as far as his jealousy goes, it's manageable. I know he'd NEVER put a hand on me, he wouldn't even pinch me. That's never been a concern.
Rorschach64 Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 (edited) Well like I said an ultimatum would be good here. I understand the fact that your trust was broken, gotcha, and I would have felt the same initally even though I've been on dating sites looking for friends, yes it is weird to some but I never used them to cheat or go out to look at what's out there. I think communication is the key here and he deserves at least one chance to redeem himself, plus again, if you were in his shoes wouldn't you want a second chance? People make mistakes and should be forgiven at least ONCE. Oh and one last thing. My brother said to me, when I was going through my break up with my ex-f and how she used pasted relationships to make unjust calls, you don't go in to a new relationship using old relationships as a tool to judge new people. More simply put, your boyfriend/ex-bf whatever he is right now, is NOT those people that you've dated in the past, he is a completely different person and maybe totally capable of redeeming himself, given the chance. Edited September 28, 2011 by Rorschach64
Rorschach64 Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 Oh and one last thing about this, I guess this all comes down to how much do you love him, how much do you believe in him, how much do you believe in the relationship and the future of said relationship? If you can't find it in your heart to forgive him and give him one chance based on who he is and how he has treated you, then this relationship would have failed in the end anyway. Just my opinion.
Recommended Posts