Don't play the NC game in getting your ex back

[Cowboy1015]

Some of you might have already read my old posts when my ex broke up with me. It was 2 weeks ago. I'm pretty much doing better now. But last week I spent a lot of time watching youtube, reading ebooks, about "getting your ex back". And they are all talking about NC. And they're talking about it in the sense of manipulating your ex.

 

In my opinion, you do NC in the purpose of moving on and not about trying to get your ex back.

 

NC might work but it depends on how your ex broke up with you. You need to understand why your ex broke up with you. NC will work if she's only trying to manipulate you by breaking up with you.

 

But, If your ex broke up with you because they're simply losing interest in you, doing NC will not do good for you if you are trying to get her back. She'll just quickly move on. You should do limited contact. But never contact your ex if you are not in complete control of your emotions. You need to get over the break up first.

 

So if your ex was losing interest and you want to get your ex back, what you should do is accept the break up in good terms and get over it quickly! Read ebooks about how get over it quickly. If your ex offers you friendship, don't reject it, just don't say anything. You don't have to be a friend, but at least you will have contact with her to work your way back into her heart.

 

Now the purpose of NC is help you get over your ex. But like I said, get over it quickly so you can start over in re-attracting your ex. If you know your mistakes/flaws, you need to fix it if you want her back.

 

When you start LC with you ex, you need to focus on the QUALITY of your contact. Don't talk about the break up, that is the past. Talk about the present. Talk to your ex the way you talked to her/him before you had relationship with her/him. You need to to LISTEN to how your ex say what she/he says and use this information on how you interact with your ex. This is how new emotional bonds are formed and old positive emotions reactivated.

 

This is what I'm doing with my ex. But since I'm almost over the break up, it doesn't really matter if I get her back. It's a win-win situation.

 

This is a pretty good read.... read the last paragraph.

http://torontosnumber1datedoctor.com/blog/how-to-tell-what-your-ex-needs-from-you/

[chuggingalong]

Some of you might have already read my old posts when my ex broke up with me. It was 2 weeks ago. I'm pretty much doing better now. But last week I spent a lot of time watching youtube, reading ebooks, about "getting your ex back". And they are all talking about NC. And they're talking about it in the sense of manipulating your ex.

 

In my opinion, you do NC in the purpose of moving on and not about trying to get your ex back.

 

NC might work but it depends on how your ex broke up with you. You need to understand why your ex broke up with you. NC will work if she's only trying to manipulate you by breaking up with you.

 

But, If your ex broke up with you because they're simply losing interest in you, doing NC will not do good for you if you are trying to get her back. She'll just quickly move on. You should do limited contact. But never contact your ex if you are not in complete control of your emotions. You need to get over the break up first.

 

So if your ex was losing interest and you want to get your ex back, what you should do is accept the break up in good terms and get over it quickly! Read ebooks about how get over it quickly. If your ex offers you friendship, don't reject it, just don't say anything. You don't have to be a friend, but at least you will have contact with her to work your way back into her heart.

 

Now the purpose of NC is help you get over your ex. But like I said, get over it quickly so you can start over in re-attracting your ex. If you know your mistakes/flaws, you need to fix it if you want her back.

 

When you start LC with you ex, you need to focus on the QUALITY of your contact. Don't talk about the break up, that is the past. Talk about the present. Talk to your ex the way you talked to her/him before you had relationship with her/him. You need to to LISTEN to how your ex say what she/he says and use this information on how you interact with your ex. This is how new emotional bonds are formed and old positive emotions reactivated.

 

This is what I'm doing with my ex. But since I'm almost over the break up, it doesn't really matter if I get her back. It's a win-win situation.

 

This is a pretty good read.... read the last paragraph.

http://torontosnumber1datedoctor.com/blog/how-to-tell-what-your-ex-needs-from-you/

 

Yep and as soon as your ex hooks up or starts hanging out with someone else, your world is shattered! (You're not over your breakup which is why you are trying to justify LC). Don't believe me, wait until you find out your ex had sex with someone else and tell that doesn't move you. There is no "right" way to getting an ex back. You can't put a formula on people's emotions, it doesn't work that way.

[Cowboy1015]

You shouldn't care if she starts hanging out with other guys. It's not your business if she sleeps with other guys. She's single now!

 

That is why you need to get over the break up and accept the fact that she is no longer your girlfriend. The LC is for trying to get her back.

 

There is a right way in trying to get your ex back, and that is "understanding" of what went wrong and "acceptance" that she is your ex now. You need to let go first before you get her back. And by "understanding", you will know your chance of getting her back.

 

If you want her back and you go NC without understanding why she broke up, your ex will meet new guys and will create new good memories with other guys. And you will be forgotten.

[smudge21]

But surely in order to first get over the ex and be able to be LC with them, you have to heal and in reality only no contact and time heals. Still being around the ex and in contact will never heal, if anything it will always hurt more. Still seeing that person you love dearly and watching them meet someone new, yeah, never nice that.

 

I do agree that if the break up was mutual and/or without anger etc, then there is always a good chance of a reconciliation and going into a LC arrangement could lead to that, but as you say, only after you've healed and no longer feel the same way.

 

In that respects, surely you need to do what it takes to heal first - even if that means 6 months of NC.

 

Plus, there's also the fact of what healing does - it often means we take the ex off that pedestal and no longer feel the same way, so often we move on too and find someone new. I know that after I've healed before, whatever the break up reasons, I've never wanted to get back with an ex. Friends fine, but never a relationship again.

 

I like your thinking, but feel that anyone attempting a LC situation should really play it carefully. It often ends up hurting even more than the break up itself.

[jordjones]

I'm about to go LC with my ex after two months of NC. She essentially lost interest after our relationship went long distance for 6-7 months. I'm back in her area now.

 

I must say that NC was important for me, and I believe has only improved my chances at reconciliation - in my mind, it has allowed the old relationship to die and myself to gain perspective on what I did wrong, which I could not comprehend in the immediate wake of the breakup.

 

It may have helped her "move on" but I also feel that I was in serious danger of being cast in the "friend zone" if I had remained in touch. Furthermore, since I was so depressed, I was behaving in a needy, unattractive manner; I'm glad her memories of myself in this state were limited by NC.

 

We'll see how the phone call and request for the "coffee date" goes this week, but I know that the balance of power has shifted dramatically already.

[chuggingalong]

You shouldn't care if she starts hanging out with other guys. It's not your business if she sleeps with other guys. She's single now!

 

That is why you need to get over the break up and accept the fact that she is no longer your girlfriend. The LC is for trying to get her back.

 

There is a right way in trying to get your ex back, and that is "understanding" of what went wrong and "acceptance" that she is your ex now. You need to let go first before you get her back. And by "understanding", you will know your chance of getting her back.

 

If you want her back and you go NC without understanding why she broke up, your ex will meet new guys and will create new good memories with other guys. And you will be forgotten.

 

Yep and I agree with you there! HOWEVER, when a breakup is fresh, don't lie to yourself. You're human, it would bother you bro, just saying....Give yourself time, what's the rush?

 

It sounds to me like you have been reading WAY too many get back together articles. While there is some truth to what you said, what about the part that says, "if you can't focus on yourself, you are hurting your chances more."

 

And no, these are not "right" ways to get your ex back because otherwise everyone would be doing it and this thread would be full of success stories. I am not trying to be rude I just don't want you to get hurt. I read those articles like you and thought that I was doing the "right" thing. You're either just friend zoning yourself, or she could be taking pity on you. Give it time bro, you seem like you have a good head so I am sure she would be back. Give her time to remember how special you are and work on yourself.

 

Also make sure that whatever issues she had in the relationship she addresses as well. It takes two to tango.

[jfLip]

Interesting thread. I'm currently on day 8 of NC; we were going out for 4 years and it wasn't a bad breakup. We were faithful and loving, we just kind of lost ourselves as individuals and needed time to be ourselves again. Last night was the first night I didn't stalk her Facebook, and I feel a lot better now. Sure, the curiosity is there but it's easier to fight my curiosity versus fighting my mind overanalyzing a status update or comment.

 

I'll be subscribed to this thread though to see what others say. And good luck jordjones. You give some good advice here.

[aerogurl87]

I believe some NC is needed. In the case of my ex and I (whom I had the chance to get a second chance with but ultimately declined), I went NC for about 6 months. No talking, no texting, nothing. During that time I was able to heal from the breakup and go through all the emotions of it without it causing any further harm to a possible reconcilliation down the road. After that I went LC and we did that for about a year which led to him getting interested in me again. After a year and a half, when he saw that I was serious about moving on, all of a sudden I started getting sincere apologies along with him begging for me back. But I decided to give the relationship I'm in now a real try, since I didn't have a messy and complicated past with the guy I'm with now.

 

So all in all, I think a good mixture of NC and LC is the way to go to get your ex back.

[flitzanu]

or LC is to convince yourself that what you say actually matters to the person that dumped you. i think a lot of people enjoy being the brunt of their ex's jokes about how much you can't let go and still call her all the time even though they are sleeping with new people.

[TheDovic]

Totally agree! No contact is only to heal yourself but isn't the answer if you want them back. Maybe it's good in the short term so you can get your **** together so you can be attractive once more, but not long term.

 

In saying that there's no point in nc or lc if you don't know how to attract her. I give this advice to all the guys on this forum because I think David DeAngelo is a genius! Read his two books "Attraction isn't a choice" and "Double your dating." Best two books I own because it told me exactly where I was going wrong with regard to attraction and what I needed to change.

 

I read a few get her back books, went nc, then met my ex and nothing had changed because I still hadn't a clue what I was doing with regard to attraction. I now know what I was doing is very unattractive to women i.e. acting like a wuss, giving her compliments, coming on too strong, CHASING HER! My point is, if you want her back know what you're up against