Should i tell his wife the truth?

[geek101]

Hi

I recently split from a married man but last week, we got back together for a talk that ended up with us having sex. (I know, i know, big mistake)

 

The next day his wife looked through his phone and found all our text messages. I was in a kind of shock and it seemed so surreal to me, i couldn't believe it was happening. I know it's a cliche, but i truly never wanted to hurt her.

 

He threw me under the bus promptly, texting me never to contact him and that he wanted this to end. No problem.

 

She called me that night and my God, she was the sweetest woman i have ever spoken to...even apologised for bothering me late at night, telling me that it wasn't my fault, that she blamed her husband, etc.

 

I am very ashamed to say that i covered for him when she called me. He had texted me earlier telling me what to say (that nothing happened, that the other night was the only time he had come to my house and that was only to tell me i had to stop bothering him)

 

Looking back, i don't know why i didn't tell her the truth there and then. I think actually speaking to her on the phone and hearing her sweet voice, i felt like i couldn't do anything else to hurt her more.

 

since then, i have struggled with this and every fibre of my being tells me to text her again (she even sent me a text the next morning, saying...thanks) and tell her the truth.

 

Now this is what compounds this feeling for me. I have spoken to him 3 times since this happened, because i wanted to know what was going on. NOT so i could see him again, but because i was interested to know how he was dealing with it.

 

In 3 conversations, not once have i heard him say anything about how he has hurt her. I'm coming to realise what a despicable man he truly is. I knew he never loved me, but to know how he is lying to her even now...wow.

 

And then yesterday...i spoke to him for the third time and he told me these little gems:

 

"She's not accepting what i am telling her...I told her...I Told you, she told you, why aren't you believing me?"

 

"I got angry with her because she said she needed time. I said, fine, have your time and when you realise i am right, tell me."

 

Yes. Wow.

 

I know i have done wrong in the first place....i know i did wrong in covering for him. But by God, i want to do the right thing now and tell her.

 

Because all i keep thinking, is....he's treating her like ****, he's basically saying to her...accept what i am telling you and stop trying to figure this out yourself.

 

The text messages she found were explicit in their meaning...it was obvious that we had been having sex, and yet he is expecting her to believe otherwise. It must be driving her insane. She doesn't deserve this.

 

Should i tell her the truth?

 

I can't sleep, i am breaking out in rashes and spots...I think i have already made up my mind but i'd like to know what you guys and gals think.

[bentnotbroken]

Yes, you should tell her the truth.

[FirstNobleTruth]

She can read; she already knows the truth.

 

She called you; she has shown she wants to be told the truth.

 

If I were her, I'd rather not live the rest of my life thinking my husband thought so little of me that he wouldn't tell me the truth even when I could see it for myself on his cellphone.

 

If I were you, I'd contact him and tell him he has 24 hours to treat her with a little dignity by telling her the truth. And when the 24 hours is up, no matter what he says or does, you're going to contact her, apologize to her for lying when she called, and tell her everything she wants to know.

 

And never speak to him again.

[geek101]

I have told him since she found out...tell her truth, she deserves to know the truth...and yet i went and lied to her too.

 

She has already told him she won't leave. She is Indian and very traditional. But i still think she deserves to know simply because he is treating her like an idiot.

 

Your idea is good. Thank you.

[NoIDidn't]

No, telling him he has 24 hours is not the best idea when you already know how much he is gaslighting her.

 

Just tell her you want to tell her the truth and DON'T alert him before hand. He will only use it to more forcefully throw you under the bus.

 

Call her and tell her. Don't warn him. Its awful what he's doing to her.

 

He's angry because she's smart enough not to believe his lies. Let her know her gut is right.

[geek101]

NoIDidn't.....so if i warn him, it may give him time to think up some more lies to tell her?

 

I can totally see him doing that. I think i'm just going to do it...call her this morning and tell her the truth.

What you said about her gut being right....that's what is getting to me...i imagine myself in her shoes and it would drive me crazy...knowing the truth but having my husband swearing blind that i was imagining things.

 

I've posted about him before on here and the consensus was that he was a narcissist. Thing is, i always expected him to treat me like crap...but he would tell me she was the perfect wife, that he loved her so, so much. To see how he is now expressing this love, makes me sick.

[woinlove]

I have told him since she found out...tell her truth, she deserves to know the truth...and yet i went and lied to her too.

 

She has already told him she won't leave. She is Indian and very traditional. But i still think she deserves to know simply because he is treating her like an idiot.

 

Your idea is good. Thank you.

 

I would tell her the truth. I agree that having evidence on one hand and her husband on the other hand insisting something completely different is likely making her feel insane. I would NOT warn the husband. If you do, I think he will try to make you out to be crazy, jealous, after him, making up lies to try to get him for yourself, blah, blah, blah. From what you write, he sounds like that kind of person.

 

I would not give the H any clue and I would contact the W and try to present her with as much concrete, verifiable information as possible so that she knows you are telling the truth. Keep in mind, her H will likely do whatever he can to convince her that anything you say is lies.

 

Giving her the truth would be an act of kindness in my opinion. I applaud you if you are strong and kind enough to do this, as many OW are in such pain, they are unable to think of the BS (or anyone but their own pain and feelings) for quite a while. But do keep in mind if what you tell her is only you say/her H says, she will still be in a position of thinking she is crazy. It is best if you can offer her something more concrete.

 

ETA: wrote the above before I say NID and following posts. I agree with them.

Edited September 27, 2011 by woinlove

[geek101]

This! I think it will give you some relief if you tell her because it's ugly what he is doing to her.

 

 

It IS ugly, isn't it? I can't believe how he is acting. When i have spoken to him...all i have heard is..."my life is ruined, i am stuck now, my life is very tough right now"

 

All..me, me, me.

 

And one other thing that's kind of creeping me out about him...is that he just SOUNDS like he doesn't care. Three times i have spoken to him and 3 times i have come off the phone thinking...hmm, he is unbelievable.

 

And when we were together, i recall a time when i asked him...was he calling some other girl from work. He told me;

 

"Who are you going to believe? Me? Or some stupid girl?"

 

Alarm bells are ringing now, i can tell you. And this isn't out of revenge, at all. That's what i think i am struggling with the most here. Every time i get the text ready, i don't send it, because i want to be sure i'm not doing this out of revenge. But i know i'm not.

 

I feel for her...and i know that sounds hypocritical after what i have done..but i thought that when she found out, he would show some decency and tell the truth.

[NoIDidn't]

I am generally not one to ever suggest telling the W out of the blue. But when she is looking for the truth, I think she should be told.

 

I don't think you are doing this out of revenge. You don't sound like you want to hurt him, but want to free her from his lies. I see a difference there.

 

Its horrible what he's doing to her. Be forewarned though, it will incense him that you broke your agreement to lie to his W for him.

[geek101]

woinlove......i agree, i need to tell her.

 

I can't say i am in much pain at all regarding him...the only pain i feel right now and for the past week, is for her. I was over him, thats what makes it more tragic. If i hadn't give in that last week and saw him, this would never have happened. Or maybe it would. I don't know. The guilt is killing me.

 

She is SO sweet. Can you imagine, apologising for calling the OW late at night? Can you imagine texting...thanks...to her?

 

And the fact that he told me he got angry at her...if i was next to him when he told me that, i would have punched him. How dare he get angry at her for needing time? It's been one week!

 

The fact is, i don't have anything to prove it to her. She saw the texts, she must know herself. I could definitely tell her certain nights he came and the excuses he gave her. Would that be enough?

[geek101]

I am generally not one to ever suggest telling the W out of the blue. But when she is looking for the truth, I think she should be told.

 

I don't think you are doing this out of revenge. You don't sound like you want to hurt him, but want to free her from his lies. I see a difference there.

 

Its horrible what he's doing to her. Be forewarned though, it will incense him that you broke your agreement to lie to his W for him.

 

Honestly, i don't care how it makes him feel. He's a coward, that much i DO know about him. He can't hurt me. What's weird, is that when i stop to think about it, i know it won't even bother HIM that much. He knows she won't leave...so while she gets the peace of mind she deserves, he'll just see it as being something else he needs to give her time for.

[woinlove]

woinlove......i agree, i need to tell her.

 

I can't say i am in much pain at all regarding him...the only pain i feel right now and for the past week, is for her. I was over him, thats what makes it more tragic. If i hadn't give in that last week and saw him, this would never have happened. Or maybe it would. I don't know. The guilt is killing me.

 

She is SO sweet. Can you imagine, apologising for calling the OW late at night? Can you imagine texting...thanks...to her?

 

And the fact that he told me he got angry at her...if i was next to him when he told me that, i would have punched him. How dare he get angry at her for needing time? It's been one week!

 

The fact is, i don't have anything to prove it to her. She saw the texts, she must know herself. I could definitely tell her certain nights he came and the excuses he gave her. Would that be enough?

 

Yes, information like that sounds good because she will have already heard the excuses. Also, to have you say things that make complete sense in light of the texts will help. What seems obvious to you (the texts telling the truth) may not be so obvious when one has an H who is doing everything he can to make her believe otherwise. But once she hears a sensible story compared to a nonsensical one, it will likely sink in and mean something to her.

 

Likely she is just a sweet person. But apologizing for call you late, under the circumstances, makes me think she might also be beaten down by her H and feel not worthy of being treated respectful, of deserving answers.

 

I'm glad to hear you are not in real pain. I think we all feel better when we can focus some of our attention on others and how they are feeling and try to treat them with some kindness. I don't find this so odd under the circumstances. Sounds like you thought things were one way with MM and you have since come to see him in a different light and have also learned a bit about his W. Along with that new realization, comes your compassion for his W.

[geek101]

Yes, information like that sounds good because she will have already heard the excuses. Also, to have you say things that make complete sense in light of the texts will help. What seems obvious to you (the texts telling the truth) may not be so obvious when one has an H who is doing everything he can to make her believe otherwise. But once she hears a sensible story compared to a nonsensical one, it will likely sink in and mean something to her.

 

Likely she is just a sweet person. But apologizing for call you late, under the circumstances, makes me think she might also be beaten down by her H and feel not worthy of being treated respectful, of deserving answers.

 

I'm glad to hear you are not in real pain. I think we all feel better when we can focus some of our attention on others and how they are feeling and try to treat them with some kindness. I don't find this so odd under the circumstances. Sounds like you thought things were one way with MM and you have since come to see him in a different light and have also learned a bit about his W. Along with that new realization, comes your compassion for his W.

 

 

Excellent post, thank you so much. I just hate that she had to feel any pain for me to feel compassion for her. It shouldn't have been that way.

[alexandria35]

Tell her Geek. Maybe some OW do tell for vengeful puposes, but you are not coming across that way at all. You sound sincere and he sounds disgusting. She deserves to know even if she stays if for no other reason then it will validate her reality and she will know she is not crazy for not believing her husband. I'm sure he is doing all that he can to convince her that this is all in her head and she is nuts. I can't believe the nerve of him. Acting like he is being hard done by because his wife won't believe his lies. what a jerk!

[woinlove]

Excellent post, thank you so much. I just hate that she had to feel any pain for me to feel compassion for her. It shouldn't have been that way.

 

Yeah, well, I've been an OW and have had that same experience. One learns. I find being compassionate and kind is actually a life-long learning experience. Be kind to yourself too. Okay to hate it for a while, as that is part of the learning experience. Then you show compassion to yourself and forgive yourself.

[geek101]

Tell her Geek. Maybe some OW do tell for vengeful puposes, but you are not coming across that way at all. You sound sincere and he sounds disgusting. She deserves to know even if she stays if for no other reason then it will validate her reality and she will know she is not crazy for not believing her husband. I'm sure he is doing all that he can to convince her that this is all in her head and she is nuts. I can't believe the nerve of him. Acting like he is being hard done by because his wife won't believe his lies. what a jerk!

 

 

Yeah, thats all true. She DOES deserve to know. It must be terribly painful for her right now. She saw the texts, and trust me, some of them even talk about how it was good last night, etc. And i added to those lies, to her pain. I can't do it anymore.

 

Later this morning, i am calling her. Thanks.

[geek101]

Yeah, well, I've been an OW and have had that same experience. One learns. I find being compassionate and kind is actually a life-long learning experience. Be kind to yourself too. Okay to hate it for a while, as that is part of the learning experience. Then you show compassion to yourself and forgive yourself.

 

woinlove...thank you. Brought tears to my eyes, reading that. Thank you.

[whichwayisup]

Yeah, thats all true. She DOES deserve to know. It must be terribly painful for her right now. She saw the texts, and trust me, some of them even talk about how it was good last night, etc. And i added to those lies, to her pain. I can't do it anymore.

 

Later this morning, i am calling her. Thanks.

 

Just own your part in this, don't put all the blame on him, it takes two to have an affair... Let her know that you will answer everything, all that she needs. Also let her know that you do feel bad and don't intend on contacting him ever again, you wish to never to see or speak to him again!

 

One more thing.. Distance yourself and detach from this after you talk to her. Sure, I get that you want to know what is going on, what's been said, how and what he's thinking/handling things, but it really isn't your business now to know.

 

If she chooses to stay with him or divorce him, it's her choice and her business. Don't "be-friend" her during this time. You need to let go and grieve your own loss so you can heal and move on, never look back.

[geek101]

whichwayisup....i do know i am part of this, to blame for this as well. Trust me, i do know that.

 

As for distancing myself, you're right. Up until now, i have been wanting to know how things are going. But after i call her, that will be it. You're right....this will be my last interference in their marriage. I just hope she gets soemthing out of this, anything at all.

 

Thank you

[whichwayisup]

whichwayisup....i do know i am part of this, to blame for this as well. Trust me, i do know that.

 

As for distancing myself, you're right. Up until now, i have been wanting to know how things are going. But after i call her, that will be it. You're right....this will be my last interference in their marriage. I just hope she gets soemthing out of this, anything at all.

 

Thank you

 

I'm sorry I didn't mean to make you feel worse, I know you own your part in this.. She just needs to hear that too.

 

What she will get out of it is, the truth. And, this truth will set YOU free and allow you closure. Your health will improve too, once you talk to her. It won't be easy but you can do this, just speak from your heart and be genuine, be honest, even if you think information will hurt her, she needs to know.

[geek101]

I'm sorry I didn't mean to make you feel worse, I know you own your part in this.. She just needs to hear that too.

 

What she will get out of it is, the truth. And, this truth will set YOU free and allow you closure. Your health will improve too, once you talk to her. It won't be easy but you can do this, just speak from your heart and be genuine, be honest, even if you think information will hurt her, she needs to know.

 

No need to apologise...i understood what you meant.

 

I will definitely be genuine with her, i owe her that.

 

Well, it's 6.30am here and i'm going to start getting ready for the day. I'll call her later this morning and i'll update this thread after i have done so.

 

Thank you for your help

[phillyfan]

Dude TELL HER, it's the rite thing 2 do, it mite be the only way she walks away from ths abusive pr*ck if a husband whichd be the 1 good thing which comes outta this mess. In fact it'd be worth the freakin mess if u ask me. If u don't say nothin he will carry on cheatin but u can bet there ain't gona

Be anotha girl like u who wants to cut her a break. Do it tell her she deserves a littl godam respect .

[Gentlegirl]

I am just thinking what an amazing amount of courage it probably took for her to call you in the first place.

 

It must have put her in a demeaning position to have to ask her husband's lover the truth, but she did it. It sounds as though this ****wit often puts her into a demeaning position.

 

You said she was very gracious and spoke well to you.

 

Return the courtesy she showed you. Don't tell him... no explanations required. His wife asked you so please give her the dignity of know what has been happening in her life... it IS her life too.

 

He is treating her like a subhuman being who is not capable breathing independently. He is also treating you like a little piece of dog poo, asking you to carry his lies to his wife.

 

Just do it. Then walk away with as much dignity as you can.

 

He reminds me so much of xMM I am good and mad about him!!!!!!

 

Feeling less than Gentlegirl.

[Summer Breeze]

I always told xMM that I would never lie to her if she spoke to me and I never did. We had multiple ddays and I answered all of her questions. The one thing I did was tell her that if she asked then I'd give her all of the answer not just part of it. I never gave details designed to hurt but I wasn't going to cover anything up.

 

You are doing the exact right thing.

[geek101]

phillyfan...absolutely right, she DOES deserve that respect.

 

Gentlegirl...yes, she showed me courtesy and i hope i have shown her some back now.

 

Summer Breeze...thanks. Its nice to know others have been in my position and come to the same conclusions.

 

Well, i did it. I sent her a series of texts. The reason i did that instead of calling her is because she is Indian and over the phone, i think it's hard for her to understand my accent. I didn't want to talk to her and have her not understand some things...perhaps leaving her wondering later what i said.

 

With texts, i figure she can read them, digest them better. And of course, i ended with a text telling her that anytime she wanted to ask any questions, she should feel free to call me or text me.

 

So it's done. I still feel like **** to be honest, but i feel lighter somehow.

I'm not a particularly good person and there are many mistakes i have made in my life. But this time, it came down to doing the right thing or the easy thing. I hope to God i chose the right thing.