My criticism of marriage

[y2k]

I know the religious folks around here will have a heart attack after reading this. But this is more for those who like questioning and challenging concepts.

 

Marriage, as it is known today, is one of the worst and maybe most harmful things in existence. Ok, not as bad as war or things like that, but marriage, as it's known today, is not a good thing. And I say this not as a joke, but as a concept to ponder about.

 

I do believe in love, but I don't believe in having it "on paper" and having marriage be "a commitment" or "an obligation" or "something to work on". If you have to do any of those things, the said marriage/relationship shouldn't exist.

 

There is a reason half of marriages end in divorce, and half the time there is cheating. It's because by nature, we humans may very well not be suited for only one "mate" for a the rest of our existence UNDER THE TERMS MARRIAGE DEFINES/FORCES IT TO BE (read those words well and don't mis-understand them). Am I advocating people cheating/lying??? No. In ANY relationship, I'd want honesty, NOT forced "commitment".

 

Plus the feeling of love is not something you control. Marriage automatically states that both parties control such a feeling for the remainder of their lives. That's why half the time it ends up in disaster.

 

Plus marriage makes people lazy. When a woman meets and dates a man, she gets to only see the best of him, hence the reason she probably falls for him. The man always puts on his "game" in dating, and if he is good at it, the female will fall. In marriages, the men (and women too many times) stop playing the game. They stop playing because under marriage, they feel that they've done their job, and that their wife (or husband) is automatically theirs. This is a very flawed part of the concept of marriage. This is also why both men and women end up looking for love elsewhere. This is why there are plenty divorces, second and third marriages, etc. If the "game" doesn't come naturally, and if the attractions and feelings of love isn't there, then the marriage should seize to exist. Yet many people still in unhappy marriages because of the sense that it's a "duty" or "obligation" to stay in them. It only hurts them in the long run.

 

Now I know a portion of you here will ask "then what about true love and people getting old together, etc???". Well I still believe such situations can happen, but I believe it must happen naturally. My grandfather never took his wife for granted. The man always had his "game" on so to speak, and my grandmother never stopped going crazy for him. My grandfather was the first to tell me that a marriage needs to be natural and mutual FROM THE HEART, NOT an obligation put on paper forcing people to stay together. He used to tell me if the sparks and happiness die, then end that marriage crap. He and my grandmother lived happy TOGETHER till they both died. They were married, but if you heard my grandfather speak, it was irrelevant to him what was written on paper or what "vows" he took. His marriage to his wife was something from the heart, mutual from both sides.

 

 

People will bring up the topic of children. I believe the topic of children does not belong in the topic of marriages/relationships as much as people bring them up to be. Parents are still parents whether they're with the mother/father of their children, or not. Being a parent does not mean being a husband/wife. Those are two separate things. And please don't give me that "a family has to be a mother and father with children under one roof PERIOD" stuff, because even sociology has stopped defining the family in such terms.

 

I could speak more on the topic but I'd rather hear some opinions.

[Mme. Chaucer]

What words in your post do you think would be difficult to understand?

 

I think you are only viewing marriage from a very one dimensional and young perspective. I'm sure you're aware that the institutions of marriage and the traditional nuclear family were thoroughly challenged and deconstructed in the 1960's, in western cultures. People who still choose to adhere to them in their traditional forms probably are fully aware of what they are doing.

 

For the record, I am not religious and I never, ever "dreamed of" nor intended to marry. But, I ultimately did choose to marry.

 

Mature, conscious people making a choice to travel through life as partners, and to weather the waxing, waning and changing of feelings, is beautiful. If people choose to do this, vows taken can be full of deep meaning.

 

Have you been in a long lasting (I'm talking years) and very serious relationship? They do take work, whether the people are married or not. If you don't want to "work on" a relationship, you won't be having successful ones. At least, not of any depth.

 

In any case, you are the one who points to the prevalence of divorce. Nobody is 'forced' to remain in an unhappy marriage.

 

If YOU don't want to get married, and you think the institution is one of the most harmful things in existence , you definitely should NOT get married.

 

Personally, I think that the institution of marriage is not even on the short list of "the most harmful things in existence." I'm much more concerned about backyard dog breeders. Or the tea baggers; trans fats. Or, the fashion trend that compels me to see young men's underpants on city streets.

[StoneCold]

AMEN....preach on

[praxisdorian]

Marriage isn't for the weak to be sure. If you think that everything should revolve around you, then yes, marriage is probably not for you. However, if you believe in the virtue of selflessness and believe that it is better to give than to receive, then you are probably a good candidate.

 

Look, we all wind up in the grave. I'd rather know that my life was meaningful to someone else, that there was a front row seat to my existence by someone that had my back, instead of an endless string of what could easily be considered nothing more than mutual masterbation.

 

The problem today isn't marriage. The problem is that people are weak and will take the easy way out when the **** hits the fan. Making that deep of a commitment, only to toss it aside when it doesn't suit you, doesn't speak of integrity, love, or any other virtue.

[OliveOyl]

I will agree that the one of the worst things that can happen in a marriage is taking each other for granted; the feeling that one doesn't have to "try" anymore since one has already "sealed the deal." That was one aspect that slowly ate away at my marriage after several years. And I agree it can be a form of laziness. However it's not usually so simple; there's a lot of complexity in a long-term marriage. Often several factors come together to bring about the demise of a marriage, not just one.

 

I personally don't see marriage as terrible and harmful; nor do I see the ending of a marriage as necessarily terrible and harmful either. It may be a flawed social construct but at least in this modern world, we are free to redefine relationships and what marriage means for us personally, and that is a wonderful thing.

 

(Speaking of which.... Mme. Chaucer, you're one of LS's resident newlyweds, right? How's married life treating you?? )

[KathyM]

Marriage is a beautiful thing, but it is not for everybody. To be a success, it takes someone who values commitment, has a strong will to make it work, and enjoys the feeling of having someone permanent in your life that you love and care for. People who doubt their ability to stay committed to one person, or their strength to withstand the difficulties of maintaining a marriage, shouldn't bother to ever get married. What would be the point, really? If they want to keep their options open and be free to take off whenever the desire arose, they really have no business getting married.

[bigmomma1974]

I had to take some time to think about what you wrote. I am a married woman and I wouldnt change it for nothing in the world. I love my husband and enjoy our life together. Your views on marriage is how you feel, noone can change those except for you. My marriage isn't about a piece of paper, or vows or anything like that. My marriage is based on love, trust, respect and the fact that 2 people wanted to get married and share a life together. Life changes, and with those changes people change so marriage is work just like anything in life, but the work that comes with my marriage is rewarding to both my husband and myself. We make mistakes along the way, yet we learn from them and grow and that makes us love each other more then ever.

[oldguy]

I have to agree with everyone here, at least up to this point, and add;

 

Not to be splitting hairs or getting off subject but; That 50% divorce number that has been bantered about for the last few years is highly inaccurate. It's more around 35%, which is still disturbing enough.

"There are lies, damn lies & then there are statistics" ~ Mark Twain.

 

Maybe one of the reasons for a high divorce rate is that some people put more stock in, 'that piece of paper' than they do each other.

 

Bottom line is; Your free to choose to marry or not & there really isn't the same social stigma there once was about a couple living together.

 

I particularly have to agree with; Mme. Chaucer's first line; "I think you are only viewing marriage from a very one dimensional and young perspective".

That is the impression I got.

[TBH]

I'm married and to be honest was never really that bothered, as in it wasnt my view that unless I got married then I didnt have a proper relationship, or that my partner could stray.

we all know of course if a person is going to cheat they will do it anyway regardless.

 

we got married because it felt right. nothing more.

 

one thing that does intruige me is I know many couples who were together happily for 10+ years, then decided to get married and within a year it was over. would they have still been together if they hadnt got married?

 

marriage does introduce a different dynamic so I kind of think if you've been very happy for years together, changing any dynamic could be a recipie for disaster.

[frozensprouts]

AMEN....preach on

 

 

about marriage or about seeing young man's underpants on city streets ( the problem stated in Mme. Chaucers response right before yours)?

Edited September 27, 2011 by frozensprouts

[xxoo]

I do believe in love, but I don't believe in having it "on paper" and having marriage be "a commitment" or "an obligation" or "something to work on". If you have to do any of those things, the said marriage/relationship shouldn't exist.

 

Plus marriage makes people lazy. When a woman meets and dates a man, she gets to only see the best of him, hence the reason she probably falls for him. The man always puts on his "game" in dating, and if he is good at it, the female will fall. In marriages, the men (and women too many times) stop playing the game. They stop playing because under marriage, they feel that they've done their job, and that their wife (or husband) is automatically theirs. .

 

I think these two passages conflict each other. Relationships (married or not) DO take "work"....and much of that work is what you refer to in your second passage: putting your best self forward for your partner, and appreciating your partner. It doesn't always come naturally or easily, but it is necessary for any relationship to thrive.

 

Plus the feeling of love is not something you control. Marriage automatically states that both parties control such a feeling for the remainder of their lives. That's why half the time it ends up in disaster.

 

Love is a noun (feeling) and a verb (action). Marriage isn't about promising the feeling, but rather the action.

 

But it is only partially true that we can not control feelings. We do have some control over our feelings. In some part, our feelings follow our actions. What we water grows best. Of course, you can water a rock all day, and it won't grow anything by mildew. It takes two.

[TigerCub]

Y2K,

 

I see what you're saying, but at the same time, I don't think of marriage is an evil practice in this world.

 

Sure some people rush into it, some people do it for the wrong reasons (to hedge their bets so to speak and not end up alone)

 

As for the getting lazy part - that's definitely been known to happen. I've noticed in your post that you mention the men that stop their "game" - what about the women that let themselves go and stop putting out?

Its a fault on both sides.

 

Personally I don't think marriage guarantees anything, but I don't think its the worst practice humans have. Its not a bad thing if people actually love each other, are committed, have trust and respect for one another, what's wrong with getting the piece of paper if they both want it?

 

Personally I think that forever is a LONG time and anything can change, but maybe that's what life is about, be happy in the now, don't expect it to last forever and deal with it when it changes.

[Reuben Kinkaid]

Plus marriage makes people lazy. When a woman meets and dates a man, she gets to only see the best of him, hence the reason she probably falls for him. The man always puts on his "game" in dating, and if he is good at it, the female will fall. In marriages, the men (and women too many times) stop playing the game. They stop playing because under marriage, they feel that they've done their job, and that their wife (or husband) is automatically theirs. This is a very flawed part of the concept of marriage. This is also why both men and women end up looking for love elsewhere. This is why there are plenty divorces, second and third marriages, etc. If the "game" doesn't come naturally, and if the attractions and feelings of love isn't there, then the marriage should seize to exist. Yet many people still in unhappy marriages because of the sense that it's a "duty" or "obligation" to stay in them. It only hurts them in the long run.

 

People who believe marriage makes people lazy should not get married. Marriage or any long term romance is the opposite of lazy. I could charm the pants off anyone because I enjoy doing it, it's easy. I like putting on my "game" and just being the most charming ******* at the party. The real work, the difficult part is what happens later. It takes work to be honest, to be both selfless and selfish as the situation requires. It's the opposite of lazy, if you're successful.

[Mme. Chaucer]

 

 

(Speaking of which.... Mme. Chaucer, you're one of LS's resident newlyweds, right? How's married life treating you?? )

 

Yup! Married to my darling hubby for 3 weeks tomorrow, if we make it that long .

 

I was married before, too, and also went into that marriage with eyes wide open and fully conscious of my choice, rather than blindly following a social program.

 

My ex husband and I were both "recovering" addicts and very sadly (and profoundly destructively on every level) he went back to using drugs.

 

If that had not happened, I believe that we would have remained "happily" married.

 

Quotes because I believe that "happiness" is a transient feeling, and a "happy" marriage needs to exist with the acceptance that the feeling of "happiness" will not always be present.

 

Anyway, we were compatible, grateful for each other and all the good things in our lives, and actively working on keeping it that way.

 

Until "the demise." But that's a story about addiction, and not about the institution of marriage.

 

And even though that marriage was "good" for a long time, I still learned about things to work towards and avoid in my new marriage.

[Cedrick2073]

Àâòîðó íóæíî ïàìÿòíèê ïîñòàèòü çà òàêîå! äà, åùå õîòåëà ñêàçàòü ó íàñ Âû ìîæåòå ïðèîáðåñòè òðàíøåéíûå êðåïè, îòìåííîãî êà÷åñòâà. áóðîâûå óñòàíîâêè äà åùå ñ ñîáëþäåíèåì ïðàâèë òîðãîâëè. È êðîìå òîãî: Âèáðîïîãðóæåíèå

[John Bigboote]

It's because by nature, we humans may very well not be suited for only one "mate" for a the rest of our existence UNDER THE TERMS MARRIAGE DEFINES/FORCES IT TO BE

 

You're speaking as if marriage is a monolithic, well, institution, into which the bride and groom must adapt themselves. As if it were a full-on third party to the arrangement.

 

Marriage isn't, or doesn't have to be, that. It doesn't have to DEFINE/FORCE anything. YOU get to define IT, not the other way around. The people in a marriage get to decide its terms. If you don't like the traditional terms, then change them to suit your relationship, or, if you prefer, don't get married. Enjoy.

Edited September 27, 2011 by John Bigboote