Break Up (Go NC) and Hope to Get Back Together?

[NoIDidn't]

I'm reading this a lot in threads where the MP has been kicked out of their home and the OP is being advised to give the MP "space" to "make a decision".

 

This is a major difference between dating a MP and a single person. And it seems counter-intuitive.

 

How does one break up and hope they are the chosen one? How does that make a person feel?

 

Didn't want to threadjack.

[SoMovinOn]

An interesting thought. It's not a concept unique to affairs, although, I suppose in most cases when the plan is for a couple to spend some time apart, that usually signals the end.

 

In the case of an affair... the MM/MW always had the choice to make - stay married, or D and date, just the dating starts before that decision is fully made in some cases. The idea then of the MM/MW spending some time alone to sort things out and make a decision on what they want to do, before proceeding further in either direction, doesn't then seem unreasonable to me.

[NoIDidn't]

An interesting thought. It's not a concept unique to affairs, although, I suppose in most cases when the plan is for a couple to spend some time apart, that usually signals the end.

 

In the case of an affair... the MM/MW always had the choice to make - stay married, or D and date, just the dating starts before that decision is fully made in some cases. The idea then of the MM/MW spending some time alone to sort things out and make a decision on what they want to do, before proceeding further in either direction, doesn't then seem unreasonable to me.

 

My point being that its not something done in relationships without the complication of one of them being married during the course of the relationship. I'm not suggesting that its unreasonable, its just not a natural course of action in most relationships.

 

If I were dating a single person and they wanted to break up while they cleared their head, that pretty much signals the end of our relationship. It doesn't usually mean that we might become a "legitimate" (as in going out in public, being introduced to family and friends, type stuff) couple.

 

Its another odd thing to have to do, or feel like you have to do, to move to the next level of the relationship. Even the thought that my BF was deciding between me and another woman would just be the end for me. Might not be a permanent end, but I'm not waiting around while he weighs the possibilities of losing me vs. losing some other woman.

[SoMovinOn]

My point being that its not something done in relationships without the complication of one of them being married during the course of the relationship. I'm not suggesting that its unreasonable' date=' its just not a natural course of action in most relationships.[/quote']

 

True enough, it is unique to A, as we both agreed in other relationships, while it does come up, it is pretty much always the end of a relationship. In those cases, I think "Taking some time apart" is intended as an easy let down.

[MissBee]

I'm reading this a lot in threads where the MP has been kicked out of their home and the OP is being advised to give the MP "space" to "make a decision".

 

This is a major difference between dating a MP and a single person. And it seems counter-intuitive.

 

How does one break up and hope they are the chosen one? How does that make a person feel?

 

Didn't want to threadjack.

 

My reply to one of those threads still stands here: I want someone who chooses me fully, whom I would also choose fully.

 

I am not into sitting around waiting for a man to make a choice between me and another woman....that entire process and the fact that he has conflict about that, would signal to me that this is not a situation I'd like to be in.

 

Women sometimes say they want to be #1...and I always say, I don't want to be #1, as that implies there is a queue and there are #2s, 3s and whoever else.

 

If we are casually dating and you're dating multiple people and have decided that I am above the cut and the one you want to be exclusive with, then that's different. That is what dating is for and it's not as though I would be sitting around as you deliberate (unless this is some reality show, and I would also never be on those "love" reality shows as the same ridiculous concept applies there). However, for us to already be in a "relationship" and you're with someone else too and then break up with me to decide if you want me.........ermmmm....keep on walking and don't turn back please.

[Circular]

I'm reading this a lot in threads where the MP has been kicked out of their home and the OP is being advised to give the MP "space" to "make a decision".

 

This is a major difference between dating a MP and a single person. And it seems counter-intuitive.

 

How does one break up and hope they are the chosen one? How does that make a person feel?

 

Didn't want to threadjack.

 

One of the big differences between a normal single/single relationship and an A is that a single/single relationship goes through the entire relationship lifecycle. When someone takes a break, or says 'we should date other people', etc... they are ending the relationship, one or both partners has recognized that it's not going to work, it's not a good fit, there's no real love there to preserve and work on - it's fully rationalized in one of the partners heads, the relationship ends and very rarely is there a need to look back.

 

In an A the lifecycle never completes it's always stuck in an early phase because the parties can't truly be together in a way that allows both to see what day to day life would be like. Even dating is a rarity. This is one of the reasons that relapse can happen many times, neither partner gets full resolution and closure and there are lingering 'what ifs' - neither partner can get a full rationalization to end the relationship because there are too many unknowns, this gets increasingly complex as the A partners fall deeper into love with each other. Lets face it, nobody ends a relationship when there's uncertainty as to why.

 

For an A NC is a bit of a different animal, it's used in two ways. One, to permanently end an A just like one would end any relationship - though I'd say in an A it's a lot more difficult. And, secondly to give both A partners breathing room so they can individually find clarity as to what the end-game really is, what their intentions are - the time apart allows both to make decisions.

[MissBee]

One of the big differences between a normal single/single relationship and an A is that a single/single relationship goes through the entire relationship lifecycle. When someone takes a break, or says 'we should date other people', etc... they are ending the relationship, one or both partners has recognized that it's not going to work, it's not a good fit, there's no real love there to preserve and work on - it's fully rationalized in one of the partners heads, the relationship ends and very rarely is there a need to look back.

 

In an A the lifecycle never completes it's always stuck in an early phase because the parties can't truly be together in a way that allows both to see what day to day life would be like. Even dating is a rarity. This is one of the reasons that relapse can happen many times, neither partner gets full resolution and closure and there are lingering 'what ifs' - neither partner can get a full rationalization to end the relationship because there are too many unknowns, this gets increasingly complex as the A partners fall deeper into love with each other. Lets face it, nobody ends a relationship when there's uncertainty as to why.

 

For an A NC is a bit of a different animal, it's used in two ways. One, to permanently end an A just like one would end any relationship - though I'd say in an A it's a lot more difficult. And, secondly to give both A partners breathing room so they can individually find clarity as to what the end-game really is, what their intentions are - the time apart allows both to make decisions.

 

I would tweak that to add that there is an inherent imbalance, unless you are dealing with APs who are both married or seeing other people while in the A. Usually it is a one-sided situation, and often, the MP is the one who is doing the choosing and deciding while the OW/OM is essentially waiting to see if they are the choice. I believe that is what NoIDdidn't is especially referring to...how one feels waiting for "the verdict".

 

I do understand an affair in which both are married, how it wouldn't seem so bad if both are deciding on whether or not to leave their marriages, but the discomfort is a lot greater when one person essentially has already chosen the other and is waiting for the married AP to come to a decision about them (which is usually the case in the single OP/MP As). That lack of mutuality is what is disheartening IMO.

 

In a single relationship, most times you aren't waiting to be chosen over another person when you "take a break".

Edited September 27, 2011 by MissBee

[Quiet Storm]

I think that many times an OW self esteem slowly erodes over the course of the A, causing her to accept less and less. She often feels that the negatives in the relationship are purely situational, and that once MM takes care of his problem (being married), all will be good.

 

OW are always chasing the dangling carrot, and MM know this and take advantage of it.

 

We see so many threads, where after an A ends, the OW asks "Did he really love me? " or "Was it all a lie?"

 

The OW desperately wants to believe that their heartache, their sacrifices, and the time and effort put into the relationship were not a waste. They want it to mean something, because it was so important to them. Even after it ends, even after MM's choice is clear, they may still rationalize things to make the truth more palatable. They will ignore MM's actions (staying married) and instead focus on feelings (our was love real), as a way to cope with the loss.

 

When MM needs "space" to end the marriage, OW often see it as a positive step. Because after all that waiting, something has finally changed. An action is finally being taken. I think they see NC or "space" as just another sacrifice in a long string of negatives related to being with a MM. After everything that OW has been through and put up with, it's not that difficult to add one more turd to the *****pile. Because when he chooses OW, it will all be worth it.

 

OW is under the impression that MM and happiness are just within her grasp, and that hope allows her to rationalize accepting less than what she desires. I think she often (rightly) feels that rocking the boat, or making demands will send him back to the marriage, so she treads very carefully.

 

I think most times, OW truly feels that she will be the chosen one. MM usually paints an unflattering picture of his wife and homelife, and OW can't fathom that he would prefer THAT over HER.

 

So for many OW, NC and space does not signify the end of the relationship. They see it as a sign that something is changing for the better, IMO.

[NoIDidn't]

I need to add, that in the threads I didn't want to get technical in, the MP has been kicked out of the home. It looks like the marriage IS ending, yet the MP is still telling the OP they need to "make" a decision of whom to be with.

 

This is where the going NC is brought up quite a lot. Its suggested to give the MP space to make a decision as they are finally in that position.

 

I've seen this advice given to married couples on the verge of divorce, to separate to make a decision on staying together. But there isn't supposed to be another person in the picture while they decide.

 

It seems so hurtful to tell a person that you are deciding between them and a spouse you already told them you don't want AND are finally out of the house to act on what you already said. I can't see why this needs to be further rationalized that things are difficult for them when they seem to be saying they want to stay married and are trying to figure out how to do so AND keep the OP as well.

[MissBee]

I think that many times an OW self esteem slowly erodes over the course of the A, causing her to accept less and less. She often feels that the negatives in the relationship are purely situational, and that once MM takes care of his problem (being married), all will be good.

 

OW are always chasing the dangling carrot, and MM know this and take advantage of it.

 

We see so many threads, where after an A ends, the OW asks "Did he really love me? " or "Was it all a lie?"

 

The OW desperately wants to believe that their heartache, their sacrifices, and the time and effort put into the relationship were not a waste. They want it to mean something, because it was so important to them. Even after it ends, even after MM's choice is clear, they may still rationalize things to make the truth more palatable. They will ignore MM's actions (staying married) and instead focus on feelings (our was love real), as a way to cope with the loss.

 

When MM needs "space" to end the marriage, OW often see it as a positive step. Because after all that waiting, something has finally changed. An action is finally being taken. I think they see NC or "space" as just another sacrifice in a long string of negatives related to being with a MM. After everything that OW has been through and put up with, it's not that difficult to add one more turd to the *****pile. Because when he chooses OW, it will all be worth it.

 

OW is under the impression that MM and happiness are just within her grasp, and that hope allows her to rationalize accepting less than what she desires. I think she often (rightly) feels that rocking the boat, or making demands will send him back to the marriage, so she treads very carefully.

 

I think most times, OW truly feels that she will be the chosen one. MM usually paints an unflattering picture of his wife and homelife, and OW can't fathom that he would prefer THAT over HER.

 

So for many OW, NC and space does not signify the end of the relationship. They see it as a sign that something is changing for the better, IMO.

 

This makes quite a lot of sense and is often reflected here in a lot of stories.

[MissBee]

I need to add, that in the threads I didn't want to get technical in, the MP has been kicked out of the home. It looks like the marriage IS ending, yet the MP is still telling the OP they need to "make" a decision of whom to be with.

 

This is where the going NC is brought up quite a lot. Its suggested to give the MP space to make a decision as they are finally in that position.

 

I've seen this advice given to married couples on the verge of divorce, to separate to make a decision on staying together. But there isn't supposed to be another person in the picture while they decide.

 

It seems so hurtful to tell a person that you are deciding between them and a spouse you already told them you don't want AND are finally out of the house to act on what you already said. I can't see why this needs to be further rationalized that things are difficult for them when they seem to be saying they want to stay married and are trying to figure out how to do so AND keep the OP as well.

 

Yess very true and contrary!

[Ilmhb3]

As a single OW currently waiting for a "decision", I can say it feels horrible and while we haven't gone full NC, I am starting to realize how detrimental this is. what's interesting to consider also about the "making a choice concept": are these MM/MW just putting that concept out there so that in the event they're kicked to the curb they have the option of the OW/OM with less feelings of them being 2nd choice or "fallback"?

[NoIDidn't]

As a single OW currently waiting for a "decision", I can say it feels horrible and while we haven't gone full NC, I am starting to realize how detrimental this is. what's interesting to consider also about the "making a choice concept": are these MM/MW just putting that concept out there so that in the event they're kicked to the curb they have the option of the OW/OM with less feelings of them being 2nd choice or "fallback"?

 

I'm so sorry that you are hurting right now. I hope the topic of this thread doesn't cause you more pain.

 

I do believe that the "making a choice concept" exists to keep the OP in a holding pattern. It seems that if the spouse has left the door open for them to come home, that they know the spouse is an option (until they're not), so they are trying to figure out how to keep the OP hanging on.

 

Often, when they decide to sneak back home, they don't even tell the OP. NC becomes semi-permanent or LC with the MP initiating and controlling the contact, and one day the OP finds out they made their way back home.

 

I feels horrible and it comes across as horrible. I hate to see people in this position.

[Lucky_One]

It's also healthier for the OW.

 

Far too often, the OW ends up in an unspoken, unacknowledged competition with the BS. Who is prettier, thinner, sexier, more fun, more understanding, more apt to fetch a beer and make some wings for supper, quicker to surrender the remote, less controlling, less judgmental, less demanding, quicker to give a fun BJ during halftime on Sunday afternoons?

 

And the OW can try to be all, to be everything, to be perfect. No fussing, no asking questions, no telling MM what she needs. If MM tells OW that BS was crying on the phone, then OW learns to stifle her sadness at this time of limbo. If MM says that BS was being a bitch to him, then OW bites her tongue when he wipes the wing sauce on the couch instead of a napkin. If MM says that BS used to get pissy if he had more than 2 beers, then OW makes sure she has a case of his fave chilled and overlooks that, after 4 beers, his farts stink like a cat crawled up him and died.

 

All of which is inherently unhealthy. Stepford Mistress?

[jj33]

I'm so sorry that you are hurting right now. I hope the topic of this thread doesn't cause you more pain.

 

I do believe that the "making a choice concept" exists to keep the OP in a holding pattern. It seems that if the spouse has left the door open for them to come home, that they know the spouse is an option (until they're not), so they are trying to figure out how to keep the OP hanging on.

 

Often, when they decide to sneak back home, they don't even tell the OP. NC becomes semi-permanent or LC with the MP initiating and controlling the contact, and one day the OP finds out they made their way back home.

 

I feels horrible and it comes across as horrible. I hate to see people in this position.

 

Interesting thread NID. I think if the MP says I need space to make a decision the APs desire to be with the MP keeps them in a holding pattern.

 

However if the AP breaks off the relationship and says I dont want to speak to you again unless you are ready to start a full time relationship with me and have filed for divorce thats a different story. The APs feelings may still keep the AP on the hook, but the MP also has the opportunity to see what life is like without the AP filling the gaps in his/her life

[Silly_Girl]

Plenty of 'normal' couples split up and reconcile with no one involved, or take a break from one another, maybe due to needing to travel for work or other outside influences. I know a couple who split for 10 months after living together, and had virtually no contact. One wanted a baby and one didn't, but they DID want to be together. They needed space. Did both of them the world of good actually, despite how painful it was at times.

[heartinlove]

I need to add, that in the threads I didn't want to get technical in, the MP has been kicked out of the home. It looks like the marriage IS ending, yet the MP is still telling the OP they need to "make" a decision of whom to be with.

 

This is where the going NC is brought up quite a lot. Its suggested to give the MP space to make a decision as they are finally in that position.

 

I've seen this advice given to married couples on the verge of divorce, to separate to make a decision on staying together. But there isn't supposed to be another person in the picture while they decide.

 

It seems so hurtful to tell a person that you are deciding between them and a spouse you already told them you don't want AND are finally out of the house to act on what you already said. I can't see why this needs to be further rationalized that things are difficult for them when they seem to be saying they want to stay married and are trying to figure out how to do so AND keep the OP as well.

 

Since Im in the position you are speaking about I will add my perspective. Circular I think has the best grasp on whats going on. Everyone keeps speaking about the choice as if its a choice between one woman versus the other woman. This IS NOT what the heart of the issue is.

 

If you break it down into me versus her, of course, who wants to hang out to see who is chosen. The issue is between being with me or his family, meaning the family structure he has created with his children where he lives with them full time and they have mom and dad in the same house. The issue is does he do his best to repair that marriage or hang in a marriage where he is not in love with his wife in order to keep his family together for his children or does he choose who he is in love with.

 

On an emotional level he has already chosen me. The flooding of emotions of guilt, shame, not being a good man, not being a good husband or father that happens to men in this situation is profound. The loss of who you thought you were. That is what is happening to MM. No matter how much love he has for me, he may never work through those emotions and feel he is entitled to choose love. His choosing to love me has caused immense pain to a wife he once was in love with who now knows all about me. This is hard to be with and forgive himself for. This is not a simple choice of which woman to be with. Given all that complexity, space can help someone find their own truth and work through all that complexity. But it is hard to follow through with since we naturally want to be with the one we are in love with.

[MissBee]

Since Im in the position you are speaking about I will add my perspective. Circular I think has the best grasp on whats going on. Everyone keeps speaking about the choice as if its a choice between one woman versus the other woman. This IS NOT what the heart of the issue is.

 

If you break it down into me versus her, of course, who wants to hang out to see who is chosen. The issue is between being with me or his family, meaning the family structure he has created with his children where he lives with them full time and they have mom and dad in the same house. The issue is does he do his best to repair that marriage or hang in a marriage where he is not in love with his wife in order to keep his family together for his children or does he choose who he is in love with.

 

On an emotional level he has already chosen me. The flooding of emotions of guilt, shame, not being a good man, not being a good husband or father that happens to men in this situation is profound. The loss of who you thought you were. That is what is happening to MM. No matter how much love he has for me, he may never work through those emotions and feel he is entitled to choose love. His choosing to love me has caused immense pain to a wife he once was in love with who now knows all about me. This is hard to be with and forgive himself for. This is not a simple choice of which woman to be with. Given all that complexity, space can help someone find their own truth and work through all that complexity. But it is hard to follow through with since we naturally want to be with the one we are in love with.

 

Great post!

[NoIDidn't]

Since Im in the position you are speaking about I will add my perspective. Circular I think has the best grasp on whats going on. Everyone keeps speaking about the choice as if its a choice between one woman versus the other woman. This IS NOT what the heart of the issue is.

 

If you break it down into me versus her, of course, who wants to hang out to see who is chosen. The issue is between being with me or his family, meaning the family structure he has created with his children where he lives with them full time and they have mom and dad in the same house. The issue is does he do his best to repair that marriage or hang in a marriage where he is not in love with his wife in order to keep his family together for his children or does he choose who he is in love with.

 

On an emotional level he has already chosen me. The flooding of emotions of guilt, shame, not being a good man, not being a good husband or father that happens to men in this situation is profound. The loss of who you thought you were. That is what is happening to MM. No matter how much love he has for me, he may never work through those emotions and feel he is entitled to choose love. His choosing to love me has caused immense pain to a wife he once was in love with who now knows all about me. This is hard to be with and forgive himself for. This is not a simple choice of which woman to be with. Given all that complexity, space can help someone find their own truth and work through all that complexity. But it is hard to follow through with since we naturally want to be with the one we are in love with.

 

Putting it this way makes the OW is waiting for him to bail on his family, since you do say the choice isn't between the W vs. the OW, but the family he created with the W vs. the OW. I can see why its a heartbreaking choice to make and how its often easier to let go of the OW that abandon your own creation.

 

But that's really not the question that I am asking in my OP. I'm asking why does it make sense to start a relationship but a committed person and right at the point when you think its going to become just you and the MP, you have to give them space.

 

I appreciate your answer. I do feel the space should come before it got that far, while realizing it doesn't always work out that way because of the not-so-wise choices of humans. I just don't see how the start-space-start again pattern is good for a relationship. We all know a few that it has worked out for, but I'm sure we all know plenty more for which it didn't work out for.

 

 

Thanks HeartinLove. I want to understand why a people allow themselves to get into these positions. It is much simpler to frame it as woman vs woman than woman vs. family.

[NoIDidn't]

Plenty of 'normal' couples split up and reconcile with no one involved, or take a break from one another, maybe due to needing to travel for work or other outside influences. I know a couple who split for 10 months after living together, and had virtually no contact. One wanted a baby and one didn't, but they DID want to be together. They needed space. Did both of them the world of good actually, despite how painful it was at times.

 

THis is not what I'm asking about. In your scenario, there is no third party with a vested interest in them staying apart. AND they are making their decisions with everything on the table about the life they want vs. the life they may have to accept.

 

Different scenario, but thanks for your contribution.

[Circular]

Since Im in the position you are speaking about I will add my perspective. Circular I think has the best grasp on whats going on. Everyone keeps speaking about the choice as if its a choice between one woman versus the other woman. This IS NOT what the heart of the issue is.

 

If you break it down into me versus her, of course, who wants to hang out to see who is chosen. The issue is between being with me or his family, meaning the family structure he has created with his children where he lives with them full time and they have mom and dad in the same house. The issue is does he do his best to repair that marriage or hang in a marriage where he is not in love with his wife in order to keep his family together for his children or does he choose who he is in love with.

 

On an emotional level he has already chosen me. The flooding of emotions of guilt, shame, not being a good man, not being a good husband or father that happens to men in this situation is profound. The loss of who you thought you were. That is what is happening to MM. No matter how much love he has for me, he may never work through those emotions and feel he is entitled to choose love. His choosing to love me has caused immense pain to a wife he once was in love with who now knows all about me. This is hard to be with and forgive himself for. This is not a simple choice of which woman to be with. Given all that complexity, space can help someone find their own truth and work through all that complexity. But it is hard to follow through with since we naturally want to be with the one we are in love with.

 

Thank you for explaining it 1000x better than I obviously did

[heartinlove]

Putting it this way makes the OW is waiting for him to bail on his family' date=' since you do say the choice isn't between the W vs. the OW, but the family he created with the W vs. the OW. I can see why its a heartbreaking choice to make and how its often easier to let go of the OW that abandon your own creation.[/b']

 

But that's really not the question that I am asking in my OP. I'm asking why does it make sense to start a relationship but a committed person and right at the point when you think its going to become just you and the MP, you have to give them space.

 

I appreciate your answer. I do feel the space should come before it got that far, while realizing it doesn't always work out that way because of the not-so-wise choices of humans. I just don't see how the start-space-start again pattern is good for a relationship. We all know a few that it has worked out for, but I'm sure we all know plenty more for which it didn't work out for.

 

 

Thanks HeartinLove. I want to understand why a people allow themselves to get into these positions. It is much simpler to frame it as woman vs woman than woman vs. family.

 

Reading that first sentence I have to say is just heartbreaking for me. That is the strangest part. I don't want him to bail on his family. I hate that he is even in a position that this is the choice. I know that may sound so strange for me to say that.

 

As for the second part the space part. He and I have many times said that is what we needed to do. We have agreed to take space. Then the love, the desire to connect is overpowering for both of us so we reconnect. But then inside there is still this impossible choice. Then we decide to take space again and again fail, because as circular said the affair relationship is not coming to a natural conclusion. As MM has said to me recently how do you let go of someone you are in love with. On the flip side, how do you let go of the creation of your family. It is an impossible situation. Now because there is such pain, space is again being taken to allow MM the space from both his family and I to come to clarity.

 

The only way he and I would ever have a chance at a real relationship is if he ends his marriage because it is truly over, not to be with me, and if Im completely removed from the affair dynamic. Through alot of heartache I have come to this place. This time i intend to be strong enough to hold the ground for all of us. Is space bad for a normal relationship, absolutely. Are affairs normal? Not at all. The space is for him to come to terms with what he will choose with his marriage.

 

As to why anyone gets themselves in this predicament. Well, he and I were the closest of friends. By the time we ever talked about our feelings for each other, those feelings had been building for years. When they got spoken, it was as if a tidal wave was released. The love we found with each other, neither one of us expected. An affair was something neither one of us ever thought we would be in. It is an impossible scenario.

[Circular]

As to why anyone gets themselves in this predicament. Well, he and I were the closest of friends. By the time we ever talked about our feelings for each other, those feelings had been building for years. When they got spoken, it was as if a tidal wave was released. The love we found with each other, neither one of us expected. An affair was something neither one of us ever thought we would be in. It is an impossible scenario.

 

 

Yes, this was exactly my situation and I too was amazed at what we found between us, it was a surreal experience, I never thought it would become an A. Once we started talking feelings though it was like this huge knot in me finally came undone and the first time we kissed, well, honestly there was nothing ever like it I'd ever experienced.

[heartinlove]

Yes, this was exactly my situation and I too was amazed at what we found between us, it was a surreal experience, I never thought it would become an A. Once we started talking feelings though it was like this huge knot in me finally came undone and the first time we kissed, well, honestly there was nothing ever like it I'd ever experienced.

 

Same for us. I also think that if he does decide to stay in marriage, I will have alot of the same feelings you still have, because it sounds like we had similar experiences.

 

I think alot of OWs or OMs experience is that there is alot of bad experiences that occur inside of the affair that degrade the affair relationship. So those people its easier to move on when they can say the MM or MW was a total ass. So for those of you who felt MM was a big ass at the end of the day, I think you are lucky in some ways. Its easier to move on.

 

In my case and what sounds like in yours, because we were friends first and because we both understood the complexities of all of this, there has been complete understanding of MM and I through this whole process. We've never even argued. We've been able to communicate through everything openly with each other all of our emotions and have been loving to each other throughout. We both feel we have a connection on every level, spiritual, emotional, physical and have great communication and to top it off have so much fun together. So seriously, I know Im in for a lifetime of what if's and coulda beens if he stays in the marriage.

[Circular]

Same for us. I also think that if he does decide to stay in marriage, I will have alot of the same feelings you still have, because it sounds like we had similar experiences.

 

I think alot of OWs or OMs experience is that there is alot of bad experiences that occur inside of the affair that degrade the affair relationship. So those people its easier to move on when they can say the MM or MW was a total ass. So for those of you who felt MM was a big ass at the end of the day, I think you are lucky in some ways. Its easier to move on.

 

In my case and what sounds like in yours, because we were friends first and because we both understood the complexities of all of this, there has been complete understanding of MM and I through this whole process. We've never even argued. We've been able to communicate through everything openly with each other all of our emotions and have been loving to each other throughout. We both feel we have a connection on every level, spiritual, emotional, physical and have great communication and to top it off have so much fun together. So seriously, I know Im in for a lifetime of what if's and coulda beens if he stays in the marriage.

 

You are a very clean and clear writer btw, I'm always impressed how clearly you express your experience.

 

Our experience was very similar, I think though when she struggled because of her kids and her responsibilities she started to close down towards me, just the guilt, being conflicted, etc... I could tell she was having a hard time easing her mind. That shift really started to break-down our ability to communicate, understandably. Post-A the communication has been odd at best as I think we've both found it can be easy to slip-back to where we were. I want her kids to be her priority so I'm learning to just deal with it.